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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would it be unreasonable to take a guy back...

98 replies

CouldDoWithABrew · 17/02/2014 22:44

If he did the 'dirty' on you? Then suddenly he realises how much he wants you in his life and says 'I didn't treat you well enough then but I'm willing to now'. Then has dinner with his ex gf (once) cos she's 'just a friend'. And he fucks off on stag do's cos he thinks you'll be ok with it cos apparently you can trust him now.

But you can 'tell' he has changed for the better deep down.....

Discuss...

OP posts:

MamaPingu · 17/02/2014 22:45

Never IMO. Sounds like a terrible idea to take that person back.

I took someone back after cheating and it was the most depressing and miserable time of my life.
I never trusted him again and ended up with serious depression due to the stress of it and other things happening in my life

Original poster

CouldDoWithABrew · 17/02/2014 22:54

Even if you could tell the changes in him since said events had happened? Like he's been really trying hard since.

OP posts:

Thetallesttower · 17/02/2014 22:55

Trying isn't the same as succeeding. It doesn't sound like a goer to me.

VanitasVanitatum · 17/02/2014 23:02

Dinner with the ex.. Was he open about it? Did he discuss with you first to see if you were comfortable with it?

Amy106 · 17/02/2014 23:02

You really do deserve better than that.

ageofgrandillusion · 17/02/2014 23:11

Suppose it depends how much you 'value' yourself. Some people will put up with a lot of shit like this as they don't value themselves that highly and hence feel grateful for any guy that will have them - even if said guy is treating them like a muppet. It really is a case of each to their own.

WorraLiberty · 17/02/2014 23:16

Ignoring the command to 'discuss'...

If you think he's changed for the better, why don't you trust him?

Loopylouu · 17/02/2014 23:17

I'd run a mile.

Original poster

CouldDoWithABrew · 17/02/2014 23:18

Vanitas - yes he rang me to tell me it was happening. This was not long after I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt as it were, a chance to prove he's changed. So yes he was open and honest about it, and it wasn't just his ex, there was a small group of them that went out. However because he decided that he can be trusted and that I should trust him (he did the dirty on me when he was emotionally in a really bad place and couldn't offer me any real commitment - his words) he went ahead with the meal even tho I wasn't too keen on the idea.

I've probably painted him in a bad light - he has a good heart but he can be selfish and disregard my feelings at times. He says he underestimated how hurt I would feel with him having dinner with the ex and co, and that in hindsight it probably was unfair given the circumstances. Same with him feckin off on a week long stag go to Spain not long after he confessed he'd done the dirty on me. His view being that he is no longer in a bad place and he only wants me now and once he makes a commitment to someone he is no longer interested in anyone else. This is all the stuff he tells me and I'm inclined to believe him since he never cheated on his ex the whole 12 years he was with her. His ex left him for someone else. I even struck up convo with her on FB tho I don't really know her and she assured me he is a trustworthy guy generally.

OP posts:

ThePost · 17/02/2014 23:18

People can spout all sorts of shite. It's what they actually do that counts.

RunRabbit · 17/02/2014 23:19

But you can 'tell' he has changed for the better deep down.....

That sounds like something people say to convince themselves the person has changed.

IME people like that don't change because they don't take the time and effort to identify why they behave the way they do and change it.

The only cheaters I know who have made a positive change are the ones who were caught/confessed, went to individual and/or relationship counselling and have committed themselves to making their relationship work and even so it's still a hard and long journey for them.

The original post sounds like the person did none of these things, just waltzed back, still doesn't communicate well, and still has weak/no boundaries. So I'd be extremely doubtful he has changed.

TheCatThatSmiled · 17/02/2014 23:28

CouldDo what strikes me in your description is that not only is it all about him, but he's telling you how you should feel.

You are to trust him now, because he said so.
You have to be ok with him having dinner with his ex, because he said so.
You have to be ok with him going on a stag do nano seconds after he fucked someone else, because he said so.

Even if he doesn't accidentally trip and fall cock first into another vagina again, he sounds like an entitled twat. Get rid if you value your physical and emotional welfare. By the way have you got yourself checked out since he cheated on you or went on the stag do (some guys don't think it counts as cheating if it's out of the country and they pay for it )
Kick him to the curb, you are worth more than this!
Good luck.

Original poster

CouldDoWithABrew · 17/02/2014 23:28

Just to clarify he didn't screw me over with his ex. He had sex with someone else months before he had dinner with his ex. Since he had sex with said person (I by this point had started to rebuild my own life) he decided he actually did want me. I smelled a rat so asked him if there had been any other women on the scene to which he confessed yes, a couple of meaningless shags when he was messed up.

Obviously I was hurt by this but thought well he's had the decency to tell me and now wants to make a proper go of things. Then about two weeks after telling me this I get the call to say he's having Chinese and drinks with his ex (but also a couple of their mutual friends). I wasn't happy about it but he couldn't understand (?) why that was. And about a month after this he went to Spain on a stag do for a week.

I have noticed in more recent months he is a completely different person now. He now understands why I was hurt by him going out with his ex and why I gave him a hard time about the stag do. He says he should paid more attention to how that would have hurt me or made me anxious. But he is like a different person to be around now. I can tell he's in a better place altogether. The thing is I am now riddled with 'trust-issues' as someone earlier pointed out and while I believe he is 110% trying now, I blow up at him for the slightest of things. And yet I think the world of him and I do bloody love him. He's not perfect but he is a good guy deep down

OP posts:

Original poster

CouldDoWithABrew · 17/02/2014 23:29

I must be mental

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 17/02/2014 23:34

But you keep using the word trying

What is he trying to do exactly?

To remain faithful? To take account of your feelings?

I really think if he was that into you, these things would come naturally and he wouldn't have to try...especially so early on in a relationship.

What if he's not in a 'better place' again in future? Is fucking other women going to be his 'coping mechanism'?

I agree with a PP, he's actually telling you how you should feel and telling you to trust him.

Trust hasn't to be earned. It's not something you can demand...well not if you've broken that person's trust.

He sounds too impatient to me and quite selfish.

WorraLiberty · 17/02/2014 23:35

*has to be earned

TheCatThatSmiled · 17/02/2014 23:39

CouldDo, I may be wrong - it could turn out he's the love of your life and it's all amazing.
But, ask yourself, what do you actually get out of this?
It's not supposed to be difficult and hurtful. Especially at this stage of the game.
So he was in a bad place. Yes, that's life, it happens. But what happens if life turns difficult again and he goes back to that bad place?

HadABadDay2014 · 17/02/2014 23:41

Without trust there is no relationship.

For me I would never get over DH shagging another women, lying to me and putting my Heath at risk. I would have to get myself check out for STI.

To me it would say he didn't respect me or love me.

I think couples counselling may help if you both really want to make a go, also the slate needs to be wiped clean because in any future arguments you may have it's no good having the affair being used as a weapon during an argument.

Original poster

CouldDoWithABrew · 17/02/2014 23:41

Thank god you lot have said this stuff cos I thought I was going mad!!

He treats me much better than he used to and actually regards my opinions now.

However... I don't think iv been allowed to 'feel' what is appropriate given the situation. He has said if it takes ten years to gain my trust back he is prepared to wait that long. And he does now take account of what I think about things etc. but I don't feel I've been allowed to express my emotions properly around him regarding how he has previously treated me. He says he was an idiot for not realising what he had right in front of him but at the same time I don't feel like he's 'given' me adequate grieving time or emotional support in coping/dealing with the effects of it. So much so that I'm going for counselling as it has brought on depression. I told him I'd he's serious then is like him to come along too to get it all out in the open. I guess I just don't think he's properly acknowledged my feelings over it. He has agreed to come along to counselling tho but then again he really doesn't like me bringing it up either. Says we shud move forward

OP posts:

Original poster

CouldDoWithABrew · 17/02/2014 23:44

I told him if he's serious then I'd like him to...

OP posts:

ageofgrandillusion · 17/02/2014 23:45

Sounds like a tit. In 'a bad place.' What does that mean? Its a bollocks excuse for screwing around innit? Insulting to the intelligence. I would put massive money that this bell-end will be 'in a bad place' again within 18 months. Advice OP - tell him to grow the fuck up and stop acting like some over-grown sixth former. And then LTB.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/02/2014 23:46

In summary, when he is in a bad place, he gets to fuck around and treat you like shit. When he is in a good place he gets to go out with exes and go on stag dos to Spain because he is 'trustworthy'. In both places he gets to disregard your feelings. What if he gets into a bad place halfway through a Spain trip?

I don't think it should be this much work. Do you?

RunRabbit · 17/02/2014 23:47

And how are you suppose to move forward without dealing with your emotions?

It's that kind of behaviour that breeds resentment when emotions are unresolved and buried.

You said he had emotional problems, how did he overcome it? Did he get help? Or just screwed around and came back all fixed up and ready to go?

AnyFucker · 17/02/2014 23:47

I think your bloke sounds like a bullshitter with verbal diarrhoea

Stop listening to the white noise he is spouting and look at his actions

He is affecting your mental health, absolutely literally...do you need a person like that in your life ?

Viviennemary · 17/02/2014 23:50

Discuss. What is there to discuss. He is a complete and utter waste of space. He sounds like a manipulative controller.

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