Would it be unreasonable to take a guy back...

[CouldDoWithABrew]

If he did the 'dirty' on you? Then suddenly he realises how much he wants you in his life and says 'I didn't treat you well enough then but I'm willing to now'. Then has dinner with his ex gf (once) cos she's 'just a friend'. And he fucks off on stag do's cos he thinks you'll be ok with it cos apparently you can trust him now.

But you can 'tell' he has changed for the better deep down.....

Discuss...

I know it happened months ago but you can't just trash someones feelings and expect them to get over it cos you say they should.

This!

It may have happened months ago, but the very fact that it happened at all, even when he was in a bad place would be too much for me to ever forgive, let alone forget, even under his orders!

OP if you had said all this happened "years" ago I still wouldn't have much sympathy with him.....but this isn't even a year ago!

You should ask for some space by all means. Then use that distance to extricate yourself from the relationship once and for all.

Honestly, the hardest part of ending my bad relationship was the loneliness I felt for the first few months. I was terrified of being alone but part of his behaviour was having alienated all my friends! But I got through it and I PROMISE you can too. I can't recognise myself now from the person I was then.

I am going to give you a very un Mumsnetty hug and say you can do this.

On a practical level, take each day apart from him at a time. Plan to do something each day - even if it's just a long walk, reading a certain number of chapters in a book or doing something really dull like hovering :)

Surround yourself with friends if you can. If you can't do that then think of other things you might enjoy doing as a distraction - creative writing, painting anything. Plan something to look forward to.

I promise that each day gets easier than the last and the days then turn in to weeks and the weeks in to months.

Sorry if I seem a bit intense but its a subject so close to my heart. It is so sad to see fantastic women broken down by men that just aren't the ones for them.

This is a great opportunity for you OP! You can do and be whatever you choose from hereon out. Then when the right man does come along you will be able to see more clearly that you don't need a man to be complete you, only to compliment you.

xxx

I highlighted that point to him. He said he is over her but how can he be if he finds the recently news that she's getting hitched painful. He said when she told him it brought up a lot of bad memories for him. But he should be a place where he doesn't care right? This is the reason why he binned off his friendship with his ex but he came to that conclusion on his own terms, I never pressured him one way or the other.

God I'm so pathetic. I'm just struggling to keep my paranoia/anxiety etc intact. He does come across as entitled sometimes and that puts me off him. I can tell he doesn't mean to do it but sometimes he has an air of his own world is more important.

The crux of the matter is I have a son from a previous relationship and putting myself aside I do NOT want him under any circumstances to get hurt. Luckily he is still very young so doesn't understand and my and my partner never discuss our relationship around him. God, what is wrong with me???

There are much better blokes out there than this charming but ultimately selfish user

Op what makes this man so special over all other potential partners and also over yourself?

You said if you heard this about a friend you would say run do what makes you so different from this friend? You said it's easier said but with no marriage, mortgage or kids what's so hard?

What makes this relationship so special that you cling to it? Because so far you sound like you are settling. Why do you not think I could find someone who will give me all the same good stuff as this man and also a whole lot more that he won't give?

At least consider a break so that you can think about you and what you want. You are the most important person to yourself op- not him. I think you need to get closure for yourself whatever your choice ends up being. You need to be with yourself for a bit to be able to think on that.

God, sorry that was meant to be hoovering, not hovering.

You are cockstruck, my love

You shouldn't be exposing your son to this sort of relationship, I am sorry to say

This bloke will discard you again when you don't live up to his very high standards (and he has those why ? what is so fucking great about a flake like him, real men deal with stuff not run away at the first sign of difficulty)

and that will hurt your son

Walk away and the your hormones will follow

You are not pathetic

You wanted this to work, there's nothing wrong with that. But I don't even know you, and I know you're worth more than this! Trust your instincts, if you were happy and confident with your decision you wouldn't have posted. You posted because you know your gut instinct is right. It is, trust it.

the

Thank you Scantily for your kind words. I asked if I did the same to him would he be willing to take me back. His reply was 'maybe in time'. I think the answer would be a very resounding 'no' but obviously he wouldn't say that cos he wants to keep me onside

And what Mia4 said

I think space from him is definitely the way go...along with that I could so desperately do with. Thank you so much posters for making me feel like I'm not going mad! It can be very isolating being trapped with your own thoughts. You lot have given me a much needed sounding board for all the shit thats been stocked up in my head for months.

He isn't a bad guy generally and we do get on great when my insecurities remain on a leash. But I don't think I should have to keep them in check as HE is the one who put them there and I am the one who has to cope with it.

OP you can even see he is trying to manipulate you then.

Trust me, if you ever dared make a mistake a man like that would haul you over the coals for it, make you beg and then keep you hanging as to whether you were still good enough to be with him.

You and your son deserve so much more; I won't keep repeating it.

I appreciate that your self esteem has taken a battering so at the moment you can't value yourself highly enough to leave because it's the best thing for you......so how about considering the example that is being given to your son about a) how relationships should function between adults and b) the level of respect you deserve as his mother.

Come on OP, you know the right answer here.

And sorry I do get a bit sweary at times but this issue makes my blood boil

I think if I was trying to change him or had a hand in changing him I would have made sure he sucked up to me big time and he hasn't done really. So I guess I'm saying that whilst he is a better person and I believe he wouldn't do this again, he hasn't exactly been all hearts and flowers since.

It's amazing how differently we can all see things but I see that ^^ as him just not giving a shit about how much he hurt you.

Thanks Worra it does sound that way doesn't it? It's amazing how feels become more real if your write them down. I guess I just needed to see it for myself and typing it out has helped

*feelings

There is a cracking line in 'heartburn' that so resonated with me when I was going out with a similar Mr I was in a Bad Place- when her fiance cheated on her she took him back. She says ' I took him back because I thought he has learnt his lesson, and wouldn't cheat again. But the lesson he had learned was- he could do what he wanted and there was a pretty good chance I would take him back'....

You mean you "get on great" when you STFU about his dodgy behaviour and don't make a fuss when he tries to sweep it under carpet ?

I predict his "Nice Guy" image will take a serious slip when you tell him you are taking some time out to think about what you want, and what is best for you and your son

I feel like my heart is breaking all over again (and I thought I had toughened up ha! )

I've had so many wrong 'uns in my time I could write a flippin book!! My GOD!!!! I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I just need to release my crazy feelings. MN seems like a good place to do this for now, since I don't get to speak to counsellor til Friday. And my anti-depressants are making me feel like trash!!!!!

Sorry, love

Sounds like the fog might be lifting for you. MN is certainly good for blowing away the cobwebs.

Sorry to go on but....what should he have done? We both know he shouldn't have been a filthy prick but given that he was and we can't change that.... how he have made this up to me?

He's made all the right noises about it...see previous posts. But cos I've had a hard time dealing with it I do bring it up A LOT! To the point where he tells me 'I can't change the past but we can have an awesome future together if we can move forwards' to which I say 'I don't know how to move forwards'. Then he says 'What can I do? What do I need to do to put this right?' and to that I am absolutely stumped. All I can say is take the pain away that you out there

*put

I don't understand the question, love

he has already shown you with his actions (1) goes out to dinner with an ex (2) fucks off on a stag do when he knows your trust has been blown

he just wants you to get back to normal.

it shouldn't be down to you to tell him what to do (or more precisely, not to do)

(1) and (2) above are examples of what not to do, and he made those choices all by himself

judge him by those actions (as much as he tells you not to)

I think he wouldn't have even tried to get another chance. He would have known how much better you deserve and would have been apologetic but aware that you should never, ever have to put up with being treated like that. He would have accepted that broken up was the right thing to do. That for whatever reason he was not in a place to give you the relationship you deserve.

Then, years and years down the line after having remained just friends with him never once trying it on or trying to get round you, you would realise that it really was just a once in a lifetime fuck up. Then you would have been able to give it another chance, but on your terms.