Would it be unreasonable to take a guy back...

[CouldDoWithABrew]

If he did the 'dirty' on you? Then suddenly he realises how much he wants you in his life and says 'I didn't treat you well enough then but I'm willing to now'. Then has dinner with his ex gf (once) cos she's 'just a friend'. And he fucks off on stag do's cos he thinks you'll be ok with it cos apparently you can trust him now.

But you can 'tell' he has changed for the better deep down.....

Discuss...

However... I don't think iv been allowed to 'feel' what is appropriate given the situation. He has said if it takes ten years to gain my trust back he is prepared to wait that long. And he does now take account of what I think about things etc.

You're right, you haven't been allowed to feel...you've been told how to feel. The reason he told you how to feel was so that he could do whatever the fuck he wanted to, without you 'moaning' about it.

Can you give us one or two instances where he's actually proved what he's saying?

Has he been invited to any other stag do's and turned them down?

Has he turned down any more meals with his ex?

What has he actually done since he's said that?

he has yapped a fair amount

He has completely f*ed his ex off now. I'm not proud but I 'snooped' thru his phone (trust issues or what?!? I never do that sort of thing normally). I could see she has text him recently. The last text he sent to her was 'I'm sorry, I don't think I can be friends with you anymore, you hurt me too much in the past etc' and I swear to god that was nothing to do with me, I never told him to do it and never implied that he should. He came to that conclusion on his own terms. I don't have any right to say who he can and can't be friends with (as it happens I'm still in touch with one of my exes cos we had a lot of time to come to terms with our breakup and have managed to salvage a friendship from it). I had no qualms about him being friends with his ex gf, I just didn't like the way things went. But him sacking her off was his own thoughts coming into play.

I'm not possessive either so I don't mind him having lads nights out/stag do's etc. I just think it was bad timing on his part from when he dropped his bombshell on me to the time that he actually went.

He has since said that if anything like that comes up in future he would probably turn it down or at least not act/behave so impulsively and selfishly. He says e dd t realise at the time how hurt it made me feel but since iv given him a tongue-lashing about it on numerous occasions and bawled my eyes out like a loser he has said that when I hurt it hurts him but at the time he went away he didn't stop to consider that.

As for how did he 'fix' himself. I think time and acceptance with how the way things were/are in his life made him 'realise' that he couldn't behave like an ass forever. This is what he has told me and if I want this work (which I really am prepared to give it one last shot) I've gotta believe him.

BUT.... I want him to take ownership of his actions and help me thru the absolute sheer torment and utter shite he has put me thru, and if that means he has to drag it all out in a room with a stranger judging us then so be it. He knows he's on his last leg

No kids = no reason to even think about giving him another chance. Sorry to be harsh but I wouldn't consider a relationship with someone who treated me like this.

I think you want to change him and I think you want to be 'the one' he changes for.

But the truth is, if you were 'the one' for him, he would never have done anything to risk losing you.

I rarely find myself saying LTB because there are two sides to every story

But really you need to bin this one off. This is supposed to be the 'honeymoon' stage ffs and look how he's upset you so far...

As for how did he 'fix' himself. I think time and acceptance with how the way things were/are in his life made him 'realise' that he couldn't behave like an ass forever.

Translation: He bullshitted his way out of it.

which I really am prepared to give it one last shot

Good luck. I have a feeling you're going to need it.

Yep, agree with worra

There are many (sadly deluded) women who have gone before you that think they will be the one to change him

I am sure they were all told the same flavour of bullshit. I have even been there myself

it was all bollocks, and only time will tell you that

I certainly didn't listen when people tried to tell me, just like you are doing no

*now

He may well never cheat on you again, but he's already done it once so the relationship won't ever be the same again. It took breaking YOUR heart for HIM to realise how much he needs you?! That never makes sense to me!

You deserve infinitely better and it is out there I promise.

If you don't have kids together & your mental health is wrecked then just get on with sorting yourself out.

If in 6 months to a year your head is in a good place then you can think about a relationship again. (It may be with him, or with someone else entirely.)

I just think that if he's tipped you into depression then right now you are the one "in a bad place" and he can damn well step aside and wait until you've healed if he genuinely cares about you. If you truly are the love of his then he'll acknowledge that it's not about him and want you to be as healthy as possible.

A man will swim thru a river of snot for the woman he loves without complaint. He'll also wait for her as long as it takes.

If you have a child together, then joint counselling sounds like a good idea, simply because the opportunity to take a break from him isn't there in the same way.

Your priority is your relationship with yourself right now, and simply getting well.

My advice ditch him too. You can't base a relationship on what's happened. You'll regret staying with this bloke - you're worth more than that. Too messy. Different 10 years in and he makes a mistake after a solid relationship for all those years but he sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it. I almost think he likes the chase - he doesn't want to lose you because he'll lose. Once he's got you he won't treat you any better. Ditch and move on.

Anyone who took him back would be a effing idiot.

If someone genuinely changed then I may considered however they would have to drastically change before I would consider it and they would have to.prove it.

People can say a lot of bullshit, the right words they know will tempt you. In the case you have cited, action speak louder then words, they clearly say: im going to treat you like a doormat because I know you'll believe all my bs and when you finally get it together to question me I'll throw it back in your face and make you feel bad. Classic.

I think if yiu consider trying with this man you have to ask.yourself: do.I like being treated like a doormat? Am I looking forward to more instances of selfishness and poor behaviour. Am I ready to blame myself when he tells me too (which he will). If the answer.is yes theres serious issues of glutton for punishment and maytr there.

Sorry meant to say it would be different if you'd had ten good years with him and he made a mistake you might then consider not throwing it away, depending on his level of remorse, but not this early on in a relationship.

Wow seriously op don't you deserve better then someone trying to be a good dp? Do you stick with people who try to be your friends too? Don't you see how if he really wanted this qnd loved you he wouldn't need to try?

And if he respected you then he would be honest.

Wow! Thanks for your replies.

I can't emphasise this point enough but he is different to how he was with me back then. Which makes me genuinely believe he was in a 'bad place' at the time cos he acts nothing like he did then. And I must stress that all of this happened months ago.

He is a different person, however I think if I was trying to change him or had a hand in changing him I would have made sure he sucked up to me big time and he hasn't done really. So I guess I'm saying that whilst he is a better person and I believe he wouldn't do this again, he hasn't exactly been all hearts and flowers since.

But we have weathered the storm for more nearly a year now since he did what he did and whilst I feel 'satisfied' he isn't sticking his dick into other women or even contemplating doing so, I still don't think he has properly addressed the situation. Whilst he was very open and honest about screwing these 2 other women in the past (I didn't even have to 'prise' it out of him, he was matter-of-fact about it. Sounds shocking really when I put it on paper), we have only really discussed it cos I've brought it up countless times.....to the point where it's doing my head in.

I don't know what I was expecting in this situation. Him to be on his knees grovelling for my forgiveness and begging me to stay? Cos that didn't happen. I got a very factual, "I want you in my life, I want to be with you, at the time I did all that stuff to you I wasn't entirely sure what I wanted but now I am. Can we please move forward?"

But I can't just 'move forward' without exploring/resolving my feelings on the matter. I have started to trust him. He said very matter-of-factly to me "I treated you like a dick, I was a twat with you. I'm clinging to the hope that you will realise I wasn't myself at the time and the changes you have seen in me are me going back to my old self, how I used to be before I was a mess. I was with ex for 12 years and never once looked at another woman and that's how I will be with you. I'm just not interested in other women'. Having contacted his ex on FB she backs up his comments whole-heartedly and she genuinely has no reason to (She is soon to be married).

With regards to STI's I have been tested, all clear.

Op why did you.post here? What are you hoping for? Because everyone pretty much has sais that they believe you are making excuses for him and that you should seriously assess your relationship.

Yet you are still defending hon, a defense that I believe you should read back on next time he does something to upset you which he seems to gave form for.

You've obviously made up your mind here so why did you post here and why defend him to everyone? If you truly believed he had changed you wouldn't be asking the question. You aren't going to get closure from him nor from here, you have to accept that and move on.

I really hope that I don't s

I really hope for you op that he has changed or that you don't excuse him next time, I see a fair few posters constantly texting about their dp's bad behaviour and it's always the same. They defend, get annoyed at being told the truth and don't listen. One month later they are crying again. Lather rinse repeat.

Hi Mia

You are right, my mind is made up that I am willing to give it one last go. I really wanted some perspective from other people as I feel like I'm going nuts.

If my friend was in the same situation I would tell her to leave - But that's easier said than done when you are on the other side of the fence and not in the relationship with the betrayer.

I have made it clear to him that one final f**k up and I'm gone like a shot and he knows this. I don't mean to sound like I'm defending him, it's just I can only state what he has told and shown me in his words and actions in the months since it all happened. And yes i do criticise him for being very defensive when at the very least I feel he should be more understanding. I'm taking a huge risk on him cos I like to think it will be worth it. To be honest, if he did screw me over one more time I don't even think I would waste any tears on him, my heart has become so hardened. So this is where I feel counselling for both of us would help.

I appreciate everyone's replies and if someone else was in the same situation I would tell em to run! And don't look back.

But he is a lot more open with me and hasn't done anything since about a year ago. I just wanted some of your views and I am aware my actions could bite me on the ass. I just wanted to find out if the way I feel is a normal reaction. My thoughts are now so messed I can't tell if black is white anymore.

Has anyone been cheated on and found a way back from it with their partner? Or is it totally rare?

He showed you who he is, you choose not to believe him.

ProbablyNotWhatYouWantedToHearTiggaxx

Good luck op, im afraid im with dawn here. I really hope you stick to only one last chance with him. If you find yourself about to post on mn again about him I hope you read this thread again first.

Can it work? In rare exceptions when responsibility is taken and there is closure on both sides. Have I ever seen it? No because it's very rare in my belief and needs very confident and firm people.

OP PLEASE reconsider your decision to take him back.
I appreciate you have been through a lot but the relationship is still so young and it shouldn't be this much hard work already, let alone have been so damaging.
I say this as someone who went through a hideous relationship and was convinced he would change and even persuaded myself it was true, time and again.
I will be blunt. This won't be "that last chance" you give him - you will just find more inventive excuses.
You posted on here for some other perspectives, but the end of it is that YOU will only leave this relationship when YOU decide to. All the other hot air/white noise/charming chat that goes on around it is worthless - on his part and on yours.
I really wish you luck but I hope you save yourself more months or years of heartache, cut your losses and move on.
You are worth so SO much more than this.
xx

Now I'm in a predicament. What if you lot are right? Think I need to give my head a wobble.

Do you lot think I should ask for space from this guy? I know it happened months ago but you can't just trash someones feelings and expect them to get over it cos you say they should. That it my overriding feeling but I am very torn... as you can probably tell.

And if I did ask for space from this guy what the hell do I do with myself in that time. I am a friggin mess!!!

Another thing - he binned his ex because, according to him, staying in contact was too hurtful. Makes it sound like he's not over her - I'd expect a partner's feelings towards their exes to start and finish on indifference.

My goodness you deserve so much more. It really shouldn't have to take breaking your heart to make him realise he loves you.

Let's turn this around, if you had cheated on him because you were 'in a bad place' then had lunch with an ex and gone on a week long hen do to Spain, would he be willing to give you another chance? Would he fuck

Stand back and take a breath and realise you've just side-stepped a nightmare relationship that could have dragged on for years. He might be happy to spend 10 years winning you back but do you really want to risk 10 years of this drama and mis-trust?

Write him off as a bad job and wait for someone who understands straight away that you're the one for them