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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

childrens party - not invited.

99 replies

meboo · 11/01/2014 16:04

My DS is 10 and ive not hosted a party for a while but always considered the invitee situation. We either invited the whole class, just the boys or a couple of friends for tea.
this always seemed the fairest way to do things.
Have just seen all the boys from DS year at a birthday party and it turns out that just my DS and 1 other have not been invited. Doesn't this seem mean to you?
give me some perspective or some reason to understand this.
both boys arent horrible just normal boys.

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 11/01/2014 16:08

It's not terribly kind but is it a numbers issue?

My DVD have been to parties where there were limits on the number of children who could do the activity, either because of space or cost or some such .
But I understand , being one of only two not invited does feel like a snub.
I hope your son isn't upset

Onesleeptillwembley · 11/01/2014 16:12

It's up to the host.

Periwonkle · 11/01/2014 16:14

Oneslepe, of course it is up to the host but that is not really any consolation for the OP's son. It is hard, I know - just pretend you don't care. That is my advice.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 11/01/2014 16:16

meboo perhaps they invited back everyone who had invited them.

Not saying that is "fair", only that it is what popped into my head when you said you'd not hosted in a while. My kids choose their invitees but I always point out to them if they have missed out somebody who invited them, and suggest (though not insist as friendships change) they return the invite. We usually do max 10 children as we have parties at home or activities that don't work easily or are too expensive with more than 10, but 2 friends for tea isn't a party, it's a Friday Wink and I'd never make them invite "all the boys" or "all the girls-" as they invite their friends. Equally 10 never means missing out just one or two though, as they almost always invite across age groups.

PedlarsSpanner · 11/01/2014 16:16

It stings doesn't it

no advice apart from ignore and try not to make a fuss in front of your child

ExitPursuedByABear · 11/01/2014 16:20

It hurts. But probably a numbers thing. bitter memories

BabyMummy29 · 11/01/2014 16:20

I'd say it's up to the host parents. I've never been a fan of the "every child in the class should be invited" stuff because with the best will in the world there are kids who don't get on.

WhoNickedMyName · 11/01/2014 16:26

I think inviting all the boys except for two is really fucking lousy.

Don't let it get to you - easier said than done, I know Smile.

MistressDeeCee · 11/01/2014 16:30

OP - yes, it does seem mean but perhaps thats what the birthday boy wanted and the parents went with that. When all said and done as hard as it is, its best to take no notice of these situations or you'll just feel sad/hard done by in terms of your dc; and when all said and done, others can do what they want you just dont have any control over it. Its up to them, not you. When my DCs were at school I let them choose who they invited to parties, I didnt try to influence their choice in any way and I certainly didnt do 'whole class parties'. Too expensive/to prove what, exactly?, also in this world not all adults get on why isnt it accepted that not all children get on, too?...

SoldeInvierno · 11/01/2014 16:30

If you have not had a party for a while, it could be that your DS has fallen off the radar. By age 10, they tend to build their own invitee list, so if your DS has not invited the birthday boy, then the birthday boy might have decided not to invite him back. I am not saying this is nice/fair, but I think it is the way it works.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 11/01/2014 16:31

Whoknicked unless there is a class list distributed it is possible the parents didn't realise they had invited all the boys but 2... and children can be a bit socially blind sometimes when on thier own agenda and not think of it, unless it has recently happened to them. Maybe parent said you can invite 10, not realising this particular class only has 12 boys, and not thiking beyond the fact they had budget for 10 guests, for example... I have no idea if class lists are the norm in the UK as we live overseas (we do get class lists, complete with address and phone number, but I can't imagine that being the case in the UK somehow - or is it?)

GlitzAndGiggles · 11/01/2014 16:35

You don't invite everyone and neither did the mum. Sorry what's the problem?

CoffeeTea103 · 11/01/2014 16:39

It's up to the child, at 10 really they make their own mind up. It's not mean actually, if it just happens that this child does not get on with your DS why would he invite him.

pregnantpause · 11/01/2014 16:43

I left 5 children off DC Christmas card list (i know its different but I am going somewhere with this)because she was sure she'd done everyone, couldn't name anyone else in her class and had covered all the names from cards she'd got. I only found out as the teacher asked why she'd excluded some (against school policy apparently)Shock .
Perhaps the birthday boy just couldn't remember anyone else to invite and the mum doesn't interact with the school to check (child minders, separated parents, etc.)
It's probably not personal.

Gileswithachainsaw · 11/01/2014 16:44

Children invite their friends. It's ok that they aren't friends as long as they aren't actively mean or nasty to eachother.

If they don't get on he doesn't have to invite him. You didn't invite everyone so why should everyone else have to?

Even if less went the children who aren't invited would still not be invited for exactly the same reasons.

Gileswithachainsaw · 11/01/2014 16:46

As mentioned above it may just have been a case of being forgotton by accident.

Please don't make a big deal out of it and upset your Ds. Can you just invite a friend round for dinner that might?

insancerre · 11/01/2014 16:50

At 10 chldren should be able to just invite their friends and not have to invite everyone in the class.
I have never invited everyone, because of the cost and because not everybody has to be friends with everybody else.

dayshiftdoris · 11/01/2014 16:59

PregnantPause

Against school policy? Really?

My son is always excluded but at the same time we now are very exclusive about invites because he can't cope with big parties.

pinkdelight · 11/01/2014 17:09

Is your DS friends with the boy whose birthday it is? It's tricky but my DS would have most of the boys in his class come to a party but there are two or three he actively dislikes (for good reasons - past bullying pr personality clashes) and I wouldn't force him to invite them. I try to be fair but not to the point where I want his party, which is meant to be a treat, disrupting because there are kids he doesn't get on with there. If your DS is friends with the birthday boy then I agree it's baffling and hurtful but if he doesn't play with the boy and it's not part of any bigger pattern of exclusion then it could just be one of those things.

NicknameIncomplete · 11/01/2014 17:42

When we are having a party i ask my dd who she wants to invite. I dont think about how many kids in the class, how many boys/girls in the class etc. Sometimes my dd invites kids from her class, kids from other classes and friends from out with school.

The boy probably just invited who he wants. Theres nothing wrong with that.

Periwonkle · 11/01/2014 17:46

No, nothing wrong, but it is entirely normal to be upset on behalf of your child if this happens to them.

justmyview · 11/01/2014 17:49

You don't host parties yourself, but think your DS should be invited to other people's?

newyearhere · 11/01/2014 17:49

YANBU. It's not fair to exclude just one or two from the entire class, as it highlights the fact they weren't invited.

Gileswithachainsaw · 11/01/2014 17:53

How Do people even find this stuff out
There are two classes per yr at dds school. She's friends with kids from both classes. I have no idea who's in what class when we do party invites. I could really easily end up with a senario where most of one class is invited and not have the foggiest clue. The idea that someone would be thinking I was somehow actively excluding people when all i did was ask my dd to pick say 25 is very worrying.

Unless it's a recurrent event and he is never invited to any party and people are deliberately nasty to him is honestly just assume he was accidentally forgotton or just doesn't get on with the birthday child.

Hoppinggreen · 11/01/2014 17:58

Its not nice to leave one or 2 children out and I wouldn't do it but it seems some do.
However OP you did what you was right and fair, just because other people didn't do the same it doesn't change that,