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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

childrens party - not invited.

99 replies

meboo · 11/01/2014 16:04

My DS is 10 and ive not hosted a party for a while but always considered the invitee situation. We either invited the whole class, just the boys or a couple of friends for tea.
this always seemed the fairest way to do things.
Have just seen all the boys from DS year at a birthday party and it turns out that just my DS and 1 other have not been invited. Doesn't this seem mean to you?
give me some perspective or some reason to understand this.
both boys arent horrible just normal boys.

OP posts:

WillowKnicks · 11/01/2014 18:03

I think it's extremely mean & I couldn't do it & have in the past, point blank refused to do it. That is regardless of whether my children have ever been to their parties or whether they are particularly friendly. I don't think you have to invite every child of that sex to the party but to leave out 2...not nice!

I'd not be very happy with myself if I thought, I'd caused someone to feel like the OP

BabyMummy29 · 11/01/2014 18:04

school policy Since when did schools dictate to parents what they could do and spend their money on in their own time?

Nanny0gg · 11/01/2014 18:05

No, you don't ever need to invite all the class or all the boys, or whatever, unless it does mean that only one or two children are left out.

It is incredibly noticeable for the children as they see when the invitations are handed out, they listen to the chatter about it and they hear all about it afterwards.

It's unkind. And it isn't necessary if you actually monitor who your child invites.

Unless there is a history of nastiness or bullying, would it really hurt for your child to be inclusive? (obviously assuming that numbers aren't a limiting factor).

Also, some children never host a party. Does that mean they can never be invited to one?

Gileswithachainsaw · 11/01/2014 18:09

But what if the parent just doesn't know?

Kids are picked up by grand parents and child minders etc parent maybe rarely in play ground. Relies on child to provide the names. Two are missed off by accident.

Y must everyone automatically assume it's some spiteful intentional exclusion.How many of you can actually reel off every single child's name in their class????

I'm telling you now I can't bloody remember 60 Names especially as many have left and newbies joined. I rely on my DD!!

Objection · 11/01/2014 18:13

I think it's probably thoughtless at most. If it's a numbers issue I would simply invite less so not a tiny percentage were excluded.

Gileswithachainsaw · 11/01/2014 18:28

There is of course the possibility that whilst your Ds removed his coat to use as a goal post or was hanging upside down from the climbing frame ,or emptying the rocks out his pocket, or forgot up zip up his back back pack and hurled it over his shoulder that there was an invite and it fell out his pocket or bag or got shoved in his drawer and forgotten about and that actually the munis at home thinking your te rude one for not RSVP-Ing.

NicknameIncomplete · 11/01/2014 19:01

How do people know if they are excluding people from parties?

SaucyJack · 11/01/2014 19:11

Sorry- but YABU.

You haven't bothered with parties in the recent past. Other parents will notice. Some parents may be the bigger person, but not everyone has endless time and inclination to entertain your kid for "free"/no reciprocation.

lljkk · 11/01/2014 19:11

We have probably done it ourselves, as hosts. DS's have made lists of who to invite and I didn't check to see if all but 1-2 boys in the class were invited (how would I know without asking the office for a list, and they might not even want to give it out, iyswim).

hodehum, I don't really understand the "all the boys/girls" rule. Although if it's the whole class and 1 child not invited that does seem mean.

BUT, it's even meaner if the birthday child says pointedly "I only invited you because my mum made me. I wanted everyone else but you. But my mum said I had to include you if I wanted all of them." And how many 10yos would have the social graces to not say that if they really felt it?

So I am kind of neutral now on the whole thing. I know yr5 DS would rather not be invited than only be invited on sufferance.

Nanny0gg · 11/01/2014 19:50

BUT, it's even meaner if the birthday child says pointedly "I only invited you because my mum made me. I wanted everyone else but you. But my mum said I had to include you if I wanted all of them

I'd have been a bit horrified if one of my DC's had been that mean at 10 years' old.

pregnantpause · 11/01/2014 19:56

Re the school policy- if you chose to distribute Christmas cards in school then you have to give to all, the classes have a five minute card give out at the end of fridays in Dec.
The give to all policy was introduced this year - I think because it was a method used quite cruelly by some girls in year 4 last year to deliberately exclude a girl- they pointedly handed out cards to everyone but her and made it known in the playground that you'd be excluded if you gave her a card you would be excluded too. the school found out and obviously punished the bullies( this was seemingly ongoing) but the school couldn't really do anything about the cards as it was collective, and they cant discern reason for not giving. They had to chose between no distributing cards in school or all of the class only.

ukatlast · 11/01/2014 19:58

I'm on the fence, my kids are now in UK state schools and unlike when we were living abroad and had Class Lists, there is no Class List available so I have no idea of numbers/names etc so any invites would be decided by the kids themselves, I would be no wiser.

In one international school though, they had a very good inclusive rule that if you wanted the Class Teacher to give out your invites, you had to invite the whole class - in the early years this made for some excellent large parties. You could still avoid it though an do all girls/boys whatever, as you had an email list of the whole class.

2rebecca · 11/01/2014 21:20

It depends how many boys are in the year really as to how unreasonable it is. If a small school with 10 boys then just inviting 8 seems fine, if 28/30 are invited then less fine although by 10 I didn't tell my kids who to invite and wouldn't make them invite children they disliked, they rarely had more than 8 to a party at that age though.
I think you should disengage from it though, there is nothing you can do about it apart from tell your son that as you get older you get invited to some things and not to others and that's OK, just stick to getting on with the people you like and whose company you enjoy and don't worry if some people don't like you as you can't please everyone.

Viviennemary · 11/01/2014 21:28

It is absolutely not the done thing to leave out one or two children. Either invite everyone or just invite a few.

Dancergirl · 11/01/2014 21:46

OP does your ds care or even know? Please don't make a big deal of it, it's just a party, dc really don't as much time talking/thinking about parties as parents sometimes think. Yes it's not great to leave out a couple but do you really know for sure? Perhaps there are others not invited.

It always amazes me how much insider knowledge parents seem to have. My dd went to 2 parties today, just happnened to be on the same day. I wouldn't have a clue exactly how many dc were at each or if they were whole class parties or not. I also wouldn't know if dd was not invited to a party and lots of her classmates were. I'm intrigued how you find out, do you ask all the other parents if their dc is invited or what??

As for the Christmas card thing, I'm glad they don't have this rule at our school. I bought dd a box of cards, she wrote both the cards and envelopes herself, took them into school and put them in the box. I have no idea who she wrote them to.

Why are we all so over INVOLVED these days with everyday things? I didn't think it does dc any favours at all.

AlbertHerbertHawkins · 11/01/2014 22:31

Here, here Dancergirl

BabyMummy29 · 12/01/2014 10:30

Sorry Viviennemary but why should you feel obliged to invite kids that your child doesn't like or get on with.

So if your child belongs to brownies or swimming club do you have to invite every child who goes to those as well?

HappyMummyOfOne · 12/01/2014 10:41

Perhaps the boy chose his friends then his parents added those whose parties they have attended throughout the year. If you dont host then its a little unreasonble to expect invites to everyone elses.

Salmotrutta · 12/01/2014 11:57

I agree with Dancergirl - I don't remember all this angst when my two were little.

We told them they could have 4-6 friends round for tea then they played games.

Never did a "whole class" thing and the only time I remember any parent ever organising a whole class party it was for a special reason not related to birthdays.

Original poster

meboo · 12/01/2014 12:01

Thanks for the replies, its interesting to read. My son isn't too fazed by it and as it turns out the birthday boy told both of them what he was doing for his birthday and that he wasn't inviting them and that they were going to have a great time without them. So yes pretty mean.
Live and learn me says.

OP posts:

2rebecca · 12/01/2014 12:57

He sounds like an unpleasant boy that your son doesn't need in his life anyway.

mrsmugoo · 12/01/2014 13:17

I guess he's just not that into you

DingbatsFur · 12/01/2014 13:24

I think YABU. If you have not invited any of the boys around for parties etc then why would your DS be invited? These things tend to work in a cycle and I think parents do notice. Also why 'only the boys' parties. Kids are just kids who can enjoy the same things regardless of gender.
It is a shame though and I feel for your DS.

DingbatsFur · 12/01/2014 13:25

Ah, cross posted! Little boy sounds like a nasty piece of work. Your son is better off without that!

Thumbwitch · 12/01/2014 13:39

Oh how unpleasant! :( for your son to be told that.

DS1 had his first school party this year and I was very pleased that we had a set of class photos, including one with all the names of the children in his class. It made life much easier doing the guest list! but when DS1 had decided who he wanted to invite, it turned out there were just 2 boys left out so I asked him if there was any reason he wouldn't want them to come, and he said no, so they were invited too.
He also invited a few of the girls, but then (bizarrely) 2 more girls, whom we hadn't had on the list, asked if they could come too and since I knew both their mums I wasn't averse (it was a swimming party, I needed at least one parent to come with their child for safety reasons) so we added them. It was only later that I realised we'd taken it up to 3/4 of the class, leaving out only 4 girls, I think it was and I felt really bad about it!

In the end, 3 boys didn't come - 1 because his mum couldn't have cared less, 1 because he told DS1 he didn't go to parties (possibly a JW, not sure, there are quite a lot of them who live around here) and another I don't know. Didn't get a RSVP from any of those parents though.

Next year I think we'll keep it smaller, although apparently it was a really good party and everyone had a great time (28 kids in the swimming pool though, a bit much! )

So - sorry for epic post - I wouldn't want to leave out 1 or 2 boys, whether you invite the whole class or just all the boys, but I'd certainly think twice about having Rude/Mean boy along! So perhaps have only a small select group.

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