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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

childrens party - not invited.

99 replies

meboo · 11/01/2014 16:04

My DS is 10 and ive not hosted a party for a while but always considered the invitee situation. We either invited the whole class, just the boys or a couple of friends for tea.
this always seemed the fairest way to do things.
Have just seen all the boys from DS year at a birthday party and it turns out that just my DS and 1 other have not been invited. Doesn't this seem mean to you?
give me some perspective or some reason to understand this.
both boys arent horrible just normal boys.

OP posts:

Morgause · 13/01/2014 07:17

If you pay a set rate it would be daft not to invite the maximum number allowed. Not every child will get invited to every party. Mine weren't and they were fine with that, they didn't invite everyone either.

And children shouldn't be forced to invite children they don't get on with. It's meant to be their day.

AwfulMaureen · 13/01/2014 07:45

Morgause but SheSays doesn't say that it's a set rate....these places usually go per head....and just have a max amount of kids who can take part. I disagree that she should exclude just two children. It's terribly unkind.

Morgause · 13/01/2014 09:37

Fair enough, that could be the case.

But the mother may have told her DS that he could invite a certain number and no more because that's all they can afford. Surely it's up to DCs to choose up to that number, after repaying hospitality for other parties they have been invited to.

I think if you don't have parties for your DCs it's a bit off to moan that they aren't invited to other DC's parties.

BrickorCleat · 13/01/2014 09:42

I always had a rule that mine could invite whoever they wanted but had to suck it up if they didn't get invited back. Over the years, we had parties for two and parties for forty and everything in between.

I was challenged once about not inviting a child which I though was incredibly pushy and absolutely none of that parent's business whatsoever.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 13/01/2014 09:43

*Thumbwitch" what if she's already been to the parties of 10 or 11 girls in the previous year and remains friends with those girls - should she not invite them to hers to fulfil your criteria? Will the 2 or 3 from her friendship group whom she leaves out not then be even more upset than 2 or 3 girls she has nothing in common with and never plays with and who might ot even know she is having a party would be?

How very silly. This discussioisn't a school trip, it's a private party for the birthday child, not a public service for the year group...

Dancergirl · 13/01/2014 09:47

Also, as the invitee, I would want my child to be invited for the right reasons - i.e. the birthday child likes her and wants her to be there. Not out of pity or duty.

I really think this is something that upsets the parents more than the children.

NotNewButNameChanged · 13/01/2014 09:52

When did children's parties become such hotbeds of being hard done by? And the whole concept of inviting whole classes so people don't feel left out. It's like sports days where no one wins. Sorry, life isn't fair, the world is competitive, people make their own friends and it's important children learn these things - and that parents and schools help them with that.

I'm sure a lot of it has got worse since bloody Facebook so that parents no see photographic evidence that X has had a party and Y wasn't invited.

When I was 8 my mum said I could have a small party but as we weren't well off (understatement) I could only have 5 friends to come round. So she asked who my 5 best friends were and that's who were invited. We couldn't have had all 20 from my class. Even if my parents could have afford to cater for them, we couldn't have fitted them in the house!

Did I sometimes not get invited to other people's parties? Yes. Sometimes I knew, sometimes there were probably parties to which I was not invited that I didn't even know about. Did I mind? I don't think I did and neither did my mum.

Some people really live on another planet.

Thumbwitch · 13/01/2014 10:04

what are you on about, mr tumble? what criteria of mine do you believe you are referring to?

Pagwatch · 13/01/2014 10:17

Why do people keep going on about 'we only had a few friends - people can't always be invited'
That's not the point.
It's about inviting a large group but deliberately excluding one or two which is a completely different scenario .

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 13/01/2014 10:18

Thumbwitch the criteria that out of a class with 13 girls including the birthday child, only 8 can be invited to avoid leaving only a few out.

MerylStrop · 13/01/2014 10:24

It's not very nice. My general rule has been half or less, or ALL of the class, or ALL the kids of one gender.

Thumbwitch · 13/01/2014 10:32

I'm sorry, you're not making sense.

You said this:
"Thumbwitch what if she's already been to the parties of 10 or 11 girls in the previous year and remains friends with those girls - should she not invite them to hers to fulfil your criteria? "
and then you said this:
"Thumbwitch the criteria that out of a class with 13 girls including the birthday child, only 8 can be invited to avoid leaving only a few out."

They don't make any sense together, they are unrelated.

I don't have any "criteria" for this, I was offering a possible solution to avoid leaving ONE girl out. ONE.

NotNewButNameChanged · 13/01/2014 11:22

Pagwatch - quite frankly, so what if a child of 10 wants to exclude one or two people out of their whole class? It's their business and no one else's. Maybe they really aren't friends with everyone in their class. Maybe the two they don't want there have bullied them in the past. It doesn't matter. It's their party, even if their parents are paying for it, and they can have precisely who they want. Out of my class at that age, I had some I was very good friends with, some I was friends with, some I liked well enough and a couple I really didn't like at all. I don't see why other people - parents - should dictate who a child, especially at the age of 10, should have at his party.

Pagwatch · 13/01/2014 11:36

Ok. That's your choice and you sound very pleased with it.
Of course no one should dictate what others do - do what you like.
I just think we are, or should be, teaching our children basic manners and kindness. We can happily teach them that all that matters is what they want and that seems to be a popular and prevalent view.
I prefer to try and teach mine that whilst they may not be friends with some children there is rarely the need to go out of their way to advertise and emphasise this.

People have posted perfectly reasonable scenarios where leaving out one or two children is unavoidable and I'm sure that's fair enough.
But it will often be unpleasant for the one or two children excluded and stamping ones feet about being entitled to leave out who we chose is all very well but it's just not very nice.
It isn't
We are allowed to be disinterested in the hurt feeling of other children I just think it makes us not very nice people if we easily chose to do so.

NotNewButNameChanged · 13/01/2014 11:48

Pagwatch - I think it depends hugely on the children/people involved. I think at age 10, most children have very definitely got 'friends' and others in my class', ones that play or socialise with outside of school and those they don't (if you live in a more rural area then this is perhaps a bigger issue).

As for "the hurt feeling of other children", again, by 10, I think this is quite a different thing to, perhaps, children at 5 or 6. And the OP's situation is a 10-year-old. Based on the threads you see on MN, it is generally parents who get upset or angry or stroppy about it - very rarely do they come on here to say "my CHILD was really upset"

maybefaraway · 13/01/2014 11:50

I agree pag.

I am very aware of the kids who give whole class parties, and we just have all the girls for dd and the boys for ds. This year ds also had two girls, and I was aware (and felt bad) that he didn't choose the whole class party girl, whose parties he always goes to.

How anyone could deliberately, or even accidentally tbf, leave out one or two kids is beyond me. Check before you invite, and teach the kids to be inclusive and caring.

Gileswithachainsaw · 13/01/2014 12:06

It's perfectly easily done accidentally. I'm hardly in the play ground these days. If dd hadn't told me I'd have no idea that there were new children. There are two yr groups per year, in when they moved from reception to yr one they re shuffled the class. I hae no idea who is in what class and my dds party was at a soft play. I have no idea how many from each class were invited. We invited her friends and those who had invited her to their parties plus we had a numbers/cost limit.

If someone is deliberately excluding someone then that's mean but if it just happens accidently it don't understand why the first port of call is to be so paranoid that your child was deliberately left out.

I have no idea how many from each class were invited to any of the parties the children held. I do know though that the majority of the parents I speak to are nice people who wouldn't dream of upsetting anyone.

Gileswithachainsaw · 13/01/2014 12:07

Maybe you all go to tiny schools and know everyone.

Some of us have children in larger schools where kids come and go all the time and we rely on our children

Newyearchanger · 13/01/2014 12:14

Some kids are mean and like to leave others out or be in with certain people. Birthdays are sometimes seen as an opportunity to get in with new friends and gain popularity.

This happened to my ds once, yr six, his apparent best friend invited all the other boys in their group ! And seemed quite brazen about it. Acc to ds he desperately wanted to be friends more with a couple of the other boys. O thought at first, mistake, but no I know the truth I would not invite this boa round again as he is unkind and manipulative.

Newyearchanger · 13/01/2014 12:15

I thought at first, mistake, but now I know the truth....

Gileswithachainsaw · 13/01/2014 12:18

In all honesty that probably did your Ds a favour new

Showed him that he wasn't a true friend and ensured he didn't waste any more time on him. Surely that's better than being "used" for a present and not really wanted there.

In the same note though, if you arebt having this boy around again, would you force your Ds to choose between his friends and not have the party he wanted to spare the feelings of this boy?

Gileswithachainsaw · 13/01/2014 12:22

But please tell me it happened before your Ds had selected a secondary school on the basis of where his friend was going??

BlueSkySunnyDay · 13/01/2014 12:24

I find the whole concept that hes not being invited because he doesnt have parties quite strange. Its way easier for a child who has a summer birthday to have parties that one who is a winter birthday - not everyone has the disposable income to hire somewhere and invite hoards.

Id say this lad doesnt like your son for whatever reason its sad but best to teach them that not everyone will like them, however nice they are, before they get to secondary and find that out in a more brutal way.

Newyearchanger · 13/01/2014 13:44

Ds went to different secondary school.... Good thing as it happens and happy. Also no baggage iykwim

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