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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is "I was pissed" a good enough excuse?

80 replies

neiljames77 · 30/11/2013 22:57

My DW has kissed another man in front of me (and the kids) twice now, once on holiday and once with my best mate more recently at a party at our house. Each time a bad row has happened but she said I don't shower her with compliments like other men do with their wives. When I asked for examples, all the blokes she named had cheated on their partners because they were gobby bastards with the gift of the gab. I've been with her for over 20 years and haven't cheated.
It's just a general wondering really. Does the truth come out with drink and really, she doesn't want to be with me?
I've had a drink which is why I'm asking this because I might not want to read your answers.

OP posts:
WaffilyVersatile · 30/11/2013 22:59

I think she wants a reaction. Simple as that x

(for what its worth my OH hardly ever compliments me but I know that when he does he REALLY means it so it makes it all the more special)

squoosh · 30/11/2013 23:03

Her being drunk is certainly no excuse for her to snog other men in front of you and your kids. Definitely not, however it doesn't sound as though she's happy and in my experience the truth does often come out when people are drunk. How do you feel about the state of your marriage?

AgentZigzag · 30/11/2013 23:04

I presume you're talking about a kiss that isn't a peck on the cheek/between friends kiss?

I wouldn't accept DH kissing anyone, in front of me or not, and I wouldn't accept 'I was pissed' as a reason/excuse for doing it.

You not 'showering her with compliments' maybe does show that she might feel you're not as close as she'd like, but kissing someone else isn't the solution to that.

How old are your children?

CailinDana · 30/11/2013 23:04

Her only reaction after the first timeshould have been to apologise profusely and never do it again. Instead she blamed you and did it again. She has absolutely no respect for you.

TheGinLushMinion · 30/11/2013 23:04

Honestly?

No it's not a good excuse & it does mask the truth, sorry.

HildaOgden · 30/11/2013 23:05

She's bored,and is looking for some drama.

Pretty shoddy,snogging someone else in front of the kids.(and you,of course).

If it were me,I'd be seriously considering whether I was willing to stay married to someone who treated me so disrespectfully.

Backtobedlam · 30/11/2013 23:05

She is being totally out of order, there is no excuse for her behaviour. If she is unhappy about something she should discuss it with you directly, not use it to get away with being unfaithful.

AgentZigzag · 30/11/2013 23:06

'I think she wants a reaction.'

And this, definitely.

Wants a reaction and attention (not necessarily in a stereotypical attention seeking way).

FesterAddams · 30/11/2013 23:06

She does not respect you. This will only get worse.
Get a divorce.
Sorry.

HeadfirstThroughTheTimeVortex · 30/11/2013 23:06

It sounds more like she just wants some attention from you (I'm not saying you don't give her attention) , not that she doesn't want to be with you.

Original poster
neiljames77 · 30/11/2013 23:08

It's a bit extreme though. She got her reaction. Why risk everything to prove a point.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 30/11/2013 23:10

Because she's immature? She certainly sounds it.

Lweji · 30/11/2013 23:11

Alcohol doesn't change people. It just lowers their inhibitions.

I don't think lack of compliments justifies kissing other men in front of a husband and children.

AgentZigzag · 30/11/2013 23:12

She's not proving a point, she's trying to get you to understand how she feels.

Kissing your mate is quite a betrayal though, and like you say very extreme.

How long have you been married?

Original poster
neiljames77 · 30/11/2013 23:12

The first time the kids were about 7 and 8, the second time was 6 months ago when they were 16 and 17.

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 30/11/2013 23:12

What a cow!

In front of you and your dc?

How old are dc?

I don't care how unhappy you are you don't disrespect your family like this. Twice!

I don't know what to tell you. I'd say LTB but I know it's not that black and white after a 20 year marriage and dc.

Original poster
neiljames77 · 30/11/2013 23:13

Been together 22 years, married 20.

OP posts:
Lweji · 30/11/2013 23:14

Ok, a 10 year difference is not that bad. Still, why with the same person?

AgentZigzag · 30/11/2013 23:15

What made you decide not to walk away from her/your marriage?

Retroformica · 30/11/2013 23:16

I don't agree with what she's done bit at the same time I think you should try and be more attentive. I'm sure you love her deeply, try and show it.

Pinupgirl · 30/11/2013 23:16

Do you pay her enough attention,give compliments,show her that you love her? I have never done this to dh but used to do it to ex boyf-it was my own insecurity and the fact that no man ever made me feel lovable that made me do it.

You two really need to have a serious talk to see if you can come back from this-it is unacceptable behaviour.

Original poster
neiljames77 · 30/11/2013 23:19

I suppose the 77 is a bit misleading, that's for another reason. I'm 46. As bad as it sounds, I don't look or feel it. Can I add that she also gets ridiculously jealous if I even speak to another woman. I see people as people. I find some women funny and some blokes boring and vice versa. I know if I'd have done what she did, I'd be out.

OP posts:
pianodoodle · 30/11/2013 23:22

If my husband did this I'd be gutted and mortified.

I wouldn't accept that I was to blame for the behaviour nor would I accept that alcohol was.

If there is a problem she needs to talk to you - not make a dramatic point and then expect you to accept that that was her way of telling you something.

It's a silly risky game to play if that's what it is. Another man might have been packing his/her bags the next day...

Original poster
neiljames77 · 30/11/2013 23:28

Llewji, there's 2 years between us and it wasn't the same person. The first time was some random bloke in a bar/club on holiday. Luckily, he pulled away and looked over at me and our kids and said he didn't want to know. I was instinctively going to hit him but realised it wasn't his fault.

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 30/11/2013 23:32

I hate to pull the gender card here but if a woman was posting about her dh kissing someone in front of her nobody would be telling her to pay him more attention!

OP this is her doing. Not yours.

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