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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is "I was pissed" a good enough excuse?

80 replies

neiljames77 · 30/11/2013 22:57

My DW has kissed another man in front of me (and the kids) twice now, once on holiday and once with my best mate more recently at a party at our house. Each time a bad row has happened but she said I don't shower her with compliments like other men do with their wives. When I asked for examples, all the blokes she named had cheated on their partners because they were gobby bastards with the gift of the gab. I've been with her for over 20 years and haven't cheated.
It's just a general wondering really. Does the truth come out with drink and really, she doesn't want to be with me?
I've had a drink which is why I'm asking this because I might not want to read your answers.

OP posts:

LimitedEditionLady · 30/11/2013 23:33

I dont think you can be any more hurt after what your wife has done to your mind by anything anyone says here so I am just going to say what I thought when I read.
Not showering her with compliments is not a reason why it is in ANY WAY your fault that she has betrayed you directly in front of you and in front of your children.What the hell is that showing your children for a start?What the hell message is it giving to the people around you?And what is she telling you?If a man did that noone would be saying "you dont give her attention blah blah blah" it would be LTB etc.
If this was me and my oh there wouldnt be a me and oh.This would tell me and him that this relationship is over.Done.How can you ever erase that from your mind?How can you trust someone who does that to you?She is telling you something through this.She is telling you she doesnt respect the relationship,she doesnt care about whether she hurts you and she thinks this is a normal way to express frustration.If after 20 years she cant tell you what she needs or you just dont understand what shes saying then Id say maybe this isnt right for you anymore.I dont know you or your relationship but I can tell you this,it isnt mentally or emotionally healthy.

Mia4 · 30/11/2013 23:34

Sounds like you guys have serious issues OP but instead of being an adult and communicating this properly to you, trying to sort them out, she makes pathetic and childish excuses and tries to provoke reactions.

MeanAndMeaslyMiddleAges · 30/11/2013 23:35

I hope you're ok Neil.

Original poster

neiljames77 · 30/11/2013 23:36

To be honest, I think we have problems because it's in the back of my mind all the time.

OP posts:

Mia4 · 30/11/2013 23:37

Also, I think you need to ask yourself what her reaction would be if your roles were reverse and you cheated- and yes use the word cheated because that's what she did. She can dress it up with evasive comments and blame you to deflect her own guilt and responsibility, which she currently is doing.

LimitedEditionLady · 30/11/2013 23:42

Im really sorry neil,you must be hurting so much.Im going to say this,you can spend all the time in the world consciously showering your wife with attention but is that going to solve the problem?is that really what you both want?What do you want?It isnt all about your wife.

AgentZigzag · 30/11/2013 23:42

I know what you're saying walter, but isn't it possible to say why she might be doing it at the same time as knowing she's going about it all the wrong way (if she actually does feel unappreciated/uncared for and it leads her to this)?

FudgefaceMcZ · 30/11/2013 23:43

Erm. Yes, it does sound like she doesn't want to be with you, but also it sounds like that's no loss to you, really! Very bizarre behaviour (unless e.g. you'd agreed to an open relationship, but still seems a bit weird to do in front of the kids without communicating anything first). The days of using 'I was pissed' as an excuse to act like a knob should have finished when she passed the age of 21, I would have thought...

Original poster

neiljames77 · 30/11/2013 23:45

Meanandmeasly, I am ok thanks. She insists that she loves me and would never want anybody else.
I just keep thinking of that saying, "in vini vicci" or whatever it is. Do her true feelings only come to the fore when she's pissed?

OP posts:

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 30/11/2013 23:46

It's no excuse. Drunk or sober, a person is responsible for their own actions.

Has she cheated on you in the past?

Is this the model of relationships that you wnt to give your children? What would you say to one of them if they were in this situation and asked you for advice?

waltermittymissus · 30/11/2013 23:51

but isn't it possible to say why she might be doing it at the same time as knowing she's going about it all the wrong way

I don't know, tbh. It's a fine line between that and expecting OP to take responsibility for her horrible behaviour!

Original poster

neiljames77 · 30/11/2013 23:57

The kids (alright, they're not kids anymore) are pretty clued up really.
Each time, the morning after, when the kids asked her why she did that, she said she was drunk and didn't know what she was doing. They try and cheer me up by saying that I'm regarded as a DILF by their mates and stuff like that but I got married to her and thought we could raise and guide our kids as a family.

OP posts:

LimitedEditionLady · 01/12/2013 00:00

I agree,the ops wife behaviour is in NO WAY his fault.If it was a young bf gf relationship itd be said if you want to kiss someone else end your current relationship before doing so so most definately a woman in a 22year relationship should realise that what she is doing is cheating and has catastrophic effects.Op you seem like you are accepting the behaviour in some respects.When is your wife crossing the line then?The message you are sending to her is its ok to kiss someone else.You accepted it,twice.

flaire · 01/12/2013 00:02

Your wife is playing a very foolish and potentially costly game. The first time, I think I would have shrugged it off. She was drunk, people do daft things on holiday and it was only a kiss. I would have made it clear that I found it unexceptable and told her how it hurt and how disrespected you felt. But left it at that.

Fast forward ten-ish years and this time it's with a good friend in your home with your teenage children present. That's bad, Neil, that's really, really bad.

I think, and this is no reflection on you at all, she wants to be 'desired' again - to feel the thrill she felt in the first months and years of your life together. The romance, the passion and maybe she hoped to inspire jealousy. And that's the dangerous bit.

Alcohol strips people of their inhibitions, and the restraints we place upon ourselves.

Maybe when she's drunk (and all sense has left her) she thinks that by making you jealous, making you angry, she will feel your love for her as a women - rather than as the mother or the wife.

And this is why it is so foolish. By disrespecting you so profoundly in your home, in front of your friends and children, I think I wouldn't be able to forgive and I would never except 'I was pissed' as an excuse.

Are you happy, Neil? If not, it wasn't a good enough excuse and you have to decide where next to go. Do you want to leave? Would a seperation period help? Would counselling?

Original poster

neiljames77 · 01/12/2013 00:12

Flaire, what you've said is absolutely spot on. The thing is though, she said I shouldn't judge her on what she does when she's had a drink.

OP posts:

Alisvolatpropiis · 01/12/2013 00:16

No, true feelings do not come to the surface when one is drunk. That is a myth.

The way she is behaving is unacceptable however and she clearly has a problem if she thinks the way she is behaving is ok.

mayorquimby · 01/12/2013 00:28

No she's a prickl

LTC

Original poster

neiljames77 · 01/12/2013 00:30

It's probably best if I ask MNHQ to delete this really.
I was just speaking what was on my mind really.
I'll sort it out in my own way.

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 01/12/2013 00:32

She is being a cow. She is asking for carte blanche to do anything she wants under the guise of alcohol.

In your shoes, I would be tempted to go flirt with a random stranger and start snogging infront of wife. But that is not really on either...

SheRaHasTheAnswer · 01/12/2013 00:38

Bless you, you will sort it out in your own way and that will be the best way for you and your family.

Good luck DILF, it'll all work out in the end.

flaire · 01/12/2013 00:38

Neil.

Basically, you wife is saying that is wasn't her fault that she kissed your good friend in your home in front of your children and friends. It was the drink.

I'm calling bullshit on that one. She is responsible for her behaviour. If I ever got so drunk that I kissed one of my husband's friends in our home, I would be mortified. I would beg his forgiveness. I would be so ashamed of myself at firstly losing control and secondly of hurting and disrespecting my husband.

The fact that she isn't mortified, that she hasn't begged for forgiveness says that she hasn't fully grasped how poorly she has behaved or she simply don't respect you. I know that's a hard thing to hear. She should feel ashamed...in front of her children no less!

My husband has a saying - do I really want to die on this particular hill? Whenever we have an argument, he says this to himself, to remind himself that whatever daft thing it is we are arguing about isn't worth destroying our relationship over. Fortunately, I haven't given him a good reason to die on that hill yet, to make that last stand.

I think, Neil, that you're on that hill. What next will she put down to being drunk? Or can you climb down the hill and fight another day?

Original poster

neiljames77 · 01/12/2013 00:52

I wouldn't do do that, QuintessentialShadows.
Whenever another woman has said something nice about me, she has flew into a rage and said, "I am absolutely fucking sick of this!!!!"
I know some of you will think I'm a flirt or something but I'm not.
Male or female, I'm friendly.
I try and be nice to PEOPLE, regardless of gender.

OP posts:

Pendeen · 01/12/2013 00:58

Neil

If I did that, I would sure as hell know what I was doing, blitzed out of my mind or not.

I don't kiss men in front of DP. I don't kiss other men at all.

browneyedgirl88 · 01/12/2013 01:02

Neil the fact that your wife would do this not only in front of you but also your children is disgusting. This sort of thing will change the way they view relationships and what they see as an acceptable way to treat people and be treated. I would also be questioning what she does while you are not around if this is what she deems as ok after a few drinks with both you and your children present. Btw at 16 and 17 they are still very much children. I would have been horrified to see my mother in that light at that age.

Original poster

neiljames77 · 01/12/2013 01:07

Flaire - in fairness, she apologised like mad. She was crying and telling the kids that she was desperate not to lose me.
I just didn't like the fact that she then started saying things like, "it's your fault for letting me get drunk" or "if you told me how beautiful I was, like your mates tell their wives, I wouldn't have done it".
Sorry but like I said before, these lads are more than capable of telling more than one woman how lovely they are.
I don't believe in bullshit. I make a commitment and stick to it until someone takes the piss out of me.
I'm not a cheater. These dicks she seems to admire are cheaters. (they send their wives flowers though and tell them how lovely they are though)

OP posts:

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