Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is "I was pissed" a good enough excuse?

80 replies

neiljames77 · 30/11/2013 22:57

My DW has kissed another man in front of me (and the kids) twice now, once on holiday and once with my best mate more recently at a party at our house. Each time a bad row has happened but she said I don't shower her with compliments like other men do with their wives. When I asked for examples, all the blokes she named had cheated on their partners because they were gobby bastards with the gift of the gab. I've been with her for over 20 years and haven't cheated.
It's just a general wondering really. Does the truth come out with drink and really, she doesn't want to be with me?
I've had a drink which is why I'm asking this because I might not want to read your answers.

OP posts:
Pendeen · 01/12/2013 02:00

How much love is there here?

What does she mean to you, Neil?

What do you feel, right now?

caruthers · 01/12/2013 02:06

Good luck with this m8.

The relationship has gone when things like this happen and there will only be a deterioration, she doesn't sound nice look for an exit strategy as soon as.

Tash28 · 01/12/2013 02:22

I agree with pp re an exit strategy.

What an absolutely awful thing to do, what kind of example is she setting? And why then involve the children with the crying to them about your relationship? 17 and 16 are still too young for that kind of discussion IMO.

She sound completely self centred and an attention seeker, don't tolerate this behaviour, nobody deserves that kind of disrespect.

Bogeyface · 01/12/2013 02:31

2 things.

firstly to answer you original question, yes sometimes "I was drunk" is an acceptable excuse. Like when my husband asked me "why the fuck did you spend £10 plus postage on six christmas crackers with wind up sprouts in them?" "I was drunk". But in your case, no it isnt at all.

Secondly your wife has no respect for you and is using the classic cheaters script of "its YOUR fault I am a cheating slapper because......."

The kids are older, so you dont need to worry too much about access/custody etc, so I would say LTB. If the kids were younger then it wouldnt be that simple, but thankfully it is.

BillyBanter · 01/12/2013 02:52
  1. How is the marriage generally, bearing in mind these incidents were 10 years apart? www.mankind.org.uk/typesdomesticabuse.html Worth checking if there are other signs of abuse in your relationship. It can be hard to see them when embroiled.
  1. What is keeping you in this marriage? Are you actually happy or is it possible you are letting the idea that marriage should be forever, that you have to stay together for the kids keep you there? You don't have to stay in a marriage that makes you unhappy. As said already. If this was a man doing this to his wife most people would be saying LTB almost exclusively.
  1. If the marriage is happy generally and you want to make it work then it may be worth having joint counselling (which often includes separate sessions for each partner) to try and get to the root of your relationship problems.
Original poster
neiljames77 · 01/12/2013 03:01

I'm not usually up at this time but I suppose it's bothering me really.
I can't sleep.
If I'm truly honest, I wouldn't see it as a huge loss really, I mean, why would you give a fuck about someone who clearly doesn't give a fuck about you?

OP posts:
Original poster
neiljames77 · 01/12/2013 03:04

Billy, There's no abuse ffs!!!

OP posts:
Tash28 · 01/12/2013 03:17

I posted but it doesn't appear to have come up. Don't let her deflect or trivialise what she did. It's awful and no wonder you can't sleep.

What would you think if someone treated your dcs like this?

Bogeyface · 01/12/2013 03:30

Neil Billy wasnt accusing you of abuse, but suggesting that you may be a victim of it. Google "Gaslighting" and you may (or may not) be enlightened.

The fact that you are not seeing the end of your marriage as a huge loss is very telling. I am guessing that you have come to the conclusion that she treats you badly and you deserve better, but posted here just to be sure that you are not being the bastard she will no doubt paint you as if you leave her.

If when you do leave, dont lie. Dont hide what she did because you are embarrassed or whatever. She will paint you as the biggest shit that ever walked this earth, so dont protect her reputation, she wont do you any favours.

Bogeyface · 01/12/2013 03:31

NB you may want to change your user name. I am assuming it is your real name which means it may come up if she googles you.

MiniMonty · 01/12/2013 03:39

Men don't get involved with women just for sex.
They get involved with women for EXCLUSIVE sex.
Break that bond and the future is in the wind.

A proper kiss (i.e. snogging / tongues) would in my eyes, be unforgivable. A deal breaker. Being drunk could never be an excuse. As previously posted, drink will only remove inhibition, it won't change who a person is or what they want.

A drunk woman who kisses other men clearly wants other men but only feels able to act upon the impulse when drink has removed her social inhibition.

Slut? No.
Ready to be unfaithful to you? Yes.
Cares about you? Probably.
Cares enough to keep her knickers on next time? A decreasing likelihood.

High tail it out of there mate - it's been over for a while and you didn't notice. Now that you have, cut your losses and become long gone.

Oooohhh the waaaaaiiiling ....

yeah yeah - (you can hang up).

Bogeyface · 01/12/2013 03:47

A drunk woman who kisses other men clearly wants other men but only feels able to act upon the impulse when drink has removed her social inhibition.

, I disagree with this. I see men that sometimes make me think "ooooh, if I was single...!" but I am not so I dont go there. Even when drunk my inner Jiminy Cricket says "No, that is a really bad idea!" but some people dont have that self control. When they are drunk then all bets are off. I have a very good friend who is a totally different person when she drinks and has done some awful things as a result of alcohol. She now doesnt drink at all as she knows what it does to her.

Alcohol affects people in different ways so to say In Vino Veritas isnt alway fair. However, how the person reacts afterwards tells you everything. In this case I would say that she isnt at all remorseful.

Original poster
neiljames77 · 01/12/2013 03:55

I don't know, I really don't know. I'm up at this time of night wondering wtf is going on.
I came on this site originally to ask you what the right words were to tell an office flirt to leave me alone without being disrespectful but have ended up being addicted to this site.
My wife wants a dickhead, it's as simple as that, my wife want's a dodging, ducking and diving, how'ya doing sweetheart fucking prick.
She thinks they're funny. She thinks they're exciting.

I wanted a wife and children.
My children are superb, by the way. Fantastic. Beautiful.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 01/12/2013 04:04

Then let her find out what a Player is like.

And when she comes begging for you to take her back, tell her to get to fuck. You deserve better.

Original poster
neiljames77 · 01/12/2013 04:19

It isn't like that though Bogeyface (sorry, but it is your username), she's mortified when she realises what she's done.
I don't know
I don't know

Sick of being up all night wondering if my wife wants me or some other fucker.
really, really tired of it.

OP posts:
StairsInTheNight · 01/12/2013 05:27

Talk to your wife. Tell her this. If you haven't she might think your ok about it all. Sorry to think of you being up and feeling rubbish. It does sound like she has a problem. Do you think she is just looking for more attention from you and this is her trying (in a really stupid way) to provoke it?

Original poster
neiljames77 · 01/12/2013 05:57

I think she's more bothered about telling everybody that her marriage has failed as opposed to losing me.
It would make her feel like a failure.

OP posts:
StairsInTheNight · 01/12/2013 06:05

Well if you are right, that sounds like it's over doesn't it? I wouldn't want to stay with someone on that basis. Do you want to stay with her?

Original poster
neiljames77 · 01/12/2013 06:15

Seems a shame though doesn't it after over 20 years?
I know she gets asked out constantly at work.
I get offers but not as often as she does though.
The initial attraction was looks but deep down, we're not suited at all.
I don't know
I really don't know

OP posts:
WholeNutt · 01/12/2013 06:16

Why is divorce the answer don't people have any regard for marriage these days? For better or worse etc.

She sounds unhappy, you both sound unhappy so instead of rowing sit down and discuss your relationship honestly.

There's no excusing her behaviour but it sounds like a symptom of something far more. Talk to each other then go from there.

Original poster
neiljames77 · 01/12/2013 06:27

We've had that talk WholeNutt. We had that in the local pub. No shouting or finger pointing. I simply asked her did she think marriage would be better than this and she said yes. I agreed. Whenever I try to move things on though, she starts crying. Why?????

OP posts:
Mia4 · 01/12/2013 09:38

Neil, I hope you are able to talk about this with her and be assertive regarding her wrong behaviour. She cannot and shouldn't not excuse her skeevey actions and abdicate responsibility for her actions. Good luck.

Also, she's really shitty for doing this in front of your kids-however much apologising. She's telling them that cheating is excusable and they (in their future relationships) should put up with it, she's also stressing them out and probably making them feel bad a) for you and b) because they're wondering if soon they'll have to take sides. She's a poor role model atm.

Mia4 · 01/12/2013 09:39

I would suggest RELATE perhaps may help? Though I think you should speak to someone first so you feel able to stand up and say 'enough is enough, we try to work this out and you accept your actions or you leave'.

Revengeofkarma · 01/12/2013 09:48

My husband doesn't shower me with compliments, but he doesn't need to. And after 20 years of marriage, most people aren't getting showered with compliments. Compliment when it's appropriate. You are a big girl who doesn't need validation every two minutes.

She's just trying, very badly, to justify her lousy behaviour. If she was drunk, and if it was really your fault for not making free with the compliments, then how could it be her fault? And if it isn't her fault then why should she change or feel badly about it?

Except of course that it is her fault. Totally. Compounded by trying to make it your fault.

I think she sounds pretty immature, and a bit of a brat frankly. And I'm willing to bet this isn't the only time those traits come out.

We all want to run off from time to time. Life looks greener on occasion. That doesn't mean we want to do that most of the time. Or even tell our husbands about it!

slendermen2222 · 01/12/2013 09:55

Wow! She needs drama flattery attention! Good luck with that!

Swipe left for the next trending thread