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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD dating ex boyfriends best friend

86 replies

cbaanymore · 10/11/2013 18:59

I have found out my daughter is dating her ex boyfriends best friend, her ex is still upset over the breakup and this would destroy him. I am really upset myself and have not yet spoken to her about it. Is it unreasonable to ask her not to bring him home. I really don't want anything to do with him and I'm really disappointed in her, as is my husband. Would really appreciate some advice as we are going away next weekend and I can't face the thought of her bringing him in to our home.

OP posts:
OvaryAction · 10/11/2013 19:00
Hmm

Keep out of it, you're being silly.

HairyGrotter · 10/11/2013 19:01

How old is your daughter and why do you allow her love life decisions affect you so much?

fluffyraggies · 10/11/2013 19:01

How old is she OP?

My gut reaction is that you should keep out of it.

Ifcatshadthumbs · 10/11/2013 19:01

I would stay well out of that one!

EduCated · 10/11/2013 19:01

How old is DD? Why did she break up with the ex?

Unless I'm missing anything, I think you just have to suck it up, to be honest.

Cluffyflump · 10/11/2013 19:03

Why are you so upset about this? Confused

RaRa1988 · 10/11/2013 19:03

Ummm... I probably wouldn't be thrilled about it either cos from my point of view, it's morally a little wrong. But that means that I wouldn't do it. I think you'd be wrong to interfere in your daughter's relationship, especially as you could be seen to be 'taking sides' and favouring her ex over her. You could ask her not to bring him home; it's your house.... but if she's a child/dependent on you for her home etc rather than a 25-year-old who probably should have left home, it seems a little unfair when you were presumably happy to have her ex there.

Original poster
cbaanymore · 10/11/2013 19:05

She is 20, you are probably right and I should keep out of it but can't help feeling sorry for her ex as he has been part of our family for 5 years and the break up is still recent.

OP posts:
waterrat · 10/11/2013 19:07

My god absolutely none of your business !!! Life is complex people fall for people it might be better if they shouldn't - I'm sure she knows it's a difficult situation as she is the one in the middle of it! Treat her like an adult and accept she is doing her best in what might be a hard situation

Cutteduppumpkin · 10/11/2013 19:08

She's not married him, and is quite entitled to go out with whoever she likes.
You should welcome anyone she choses to bring home (but not get to invested until she marries them)

SanityClause · 10/11/2013 19:08

Do you really know what happened?

My mother was very angry with me for breaking up with a boyfriend when I was about 19. In fact, he had moved on to someone else, but then had second thoughts, and thought he might like to get back together with me - I thought not!

But it really hurt me to think my mother did not ask me what had happened - she just assumed that I was at fault.

Perhaps you should give her the benefit of the doubt?

Purple2012 · 10/11/2013 19:09

I don't understand why you are disappointed in her. Teenage romance often doesn't survive as people get older. She can't pick and choose who she falls for.

KissesBreakingWave · 10/11/2013 19:10

The ex's troubles are self-inflicted. If he thinks he has any say in your DD's actions after their relationship is over, it's because on some level he thinks of her as property that he has 'lost'. All he has to do to end the discomfort is become a somewhat better person.

FriendlyLadybird · 10/11/2013 19:10

It slightly depends how old your daughter is. If she's a teenager -- this sort of thing happens all the time, mainly because they have a fairly small circle from whom to choose their boyfriends/girlfriends.

Even if not, I don't see how it's morally wrong. As long as she ditched the ex before starting a relationship with the friend, what has she done wrong? It's a shame he's upset, but she did the honest thing. Maybe it's not very friendly of the new boyfriend but it happens all the time. All's fair in love and war and all that.

I think being upset and disappointed in her is a rather extreme reaction.

ccsays · 10/11/2013 19:10

To be fair, a boyfriend she started going out with when she was 15 was unlikely to be the love of her life Hmm

YABU. It's not ideal, but her ex will get over it. You might not like it, but it's her love life. It kind of seems like you're saying her new bf can't stay as a way of punishing her for splitting up with the one you liked.

pinkyredrose · 10/11/2013 19:11

You could try supporting your daughter. You sound more concerned about her ex, why is that?

usualsuspect · 10/11/2013 19:13

You need to be on your DDs side.

Not her ex boyfriends.

scottishmummy · 10/11/2013 19:14

No,your daughter is family.her ex is simply a bloke she was dating
And you welcome the next bloke without making any preference evident
You support daughter and she dates whom she wants

LittleBairn · 10/11/2013 19:14

Sounds like your taking your DDs break up harder than your DD!
You need to keep your feelings private, its ok to feel that way you can't help yourself but you shouldn't confront her about the situation.

Plus your upset over a relationship that started when she was 15 life changes people change its not surprising she has moved on.

Original poster
cbaanymore · 10/11/2013 19:15

Thanks everyone, you've given me the kick up the a**e I needed. I will leave well alone.

OP posts:
saintmerryweather · 10/11/2013 19:15

its actually nothing to do with you who she sees. she is allowed to break up with and go out with whoever she wants

sheldor · 10/11/2013 19:15

Yabu your dd is free to see who she pleases.I'd be very wary giving her ultimatums as she may well move out.

CoffeeTea103 · 10/11/2013 19:30

Op I can understand why you are so disappointed. If your dd ex went out with her bf then surely a lot of ppl would not be thinking much of them. In this case it's your dd and the exs best friend. It's does say a lot about the morals of these two so I can understand why you feel that way. But best to stay out of it.

Original poster
cbaanymore · 10/11/2013 19:43

Thank you CoffeeTea, it is the moral aspect which bothers me, especially on his side, this is his best friend he is betraying, which makes me mistrust him and his track record with previous girls is not great either. Of course I will support my daughter whatever she decides but it doesn't mean I have to like it or him. I will just have to grit my teeth and hope it is a short lived relationship.

OP posts:
ErrorError · 10/11/2013 19:46

To cement the point of leaving well alone. A case study:

I know someone who was dating a complete fuckwit, she moved 300 miles away to live with him. She got to know his group of friends and they soon became close friends with her too. A year later the relationship ended and the woman got her own place, retaining most of the new friends she had made, as some acquaintances dropped off the radar when they were no longer 'required' to know her after breaking up with the man.

She and the ex's best friend started hanging out a lot more (in groups) and got closer still. They eventually got together. Ex-bf was suspicious and bitter, accusing her of cheating while they were together which was not true. Unfortunately new bf and the ex severed their friendship that they'd had since childhood. Woman agonised over it for a while but came to the conclusion that you can't help who you fall in love with and they all moved on. They've been together many years and are buying a house now. This started in their early 20s.

Just to put a bit of perspective on it for you! She'd have been mortified if her mother had meddled. I see that you're not though, so just be there for DD whatever the outcome of this. Smile

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