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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD dating ex boyfriends best friend

86 replies

cbaanymore · 10/11/2013 18:59

I have found out my daughter is dating her ex boyfriends best friend, her ex is still upset over the breakup and this would destroy him. I am really upset myself and have not yet spoken to her about it. Is it unreasonable to ask her not to bring him home. I really don't want anything to do with him and I'm really disappointed in her, as is my husband. Would really appreciate some advice as we are going away next weekend and I can't face the thought of her bringing him in to our home.

OP posts:

MammaTJ · 10/11/2013 21:26

The most traumatic aspect of me breaking up with my DF of 2 years age 17 was the upset from my Mum and my Sis. Without that it would have been easy, for him and for me! YABU!

Leave her alone!

DontmindifIdo · 10/11/2013 21:27

Hmm, have you thought that if you are close to the boy and his family, that would have made it hard for your DD to walk away from this relationship earlier?

Was there a cross over or did she clearly end the relationship with the ex before starting with the new bloke? Did she spend a long time debating ending the relationship with the now ex?

It could be very very hard to 'throw away' a man who's been part of your whole adult life and your family loves him and you are part of his family. It's not like ending a relatinoship with somone she'd dated for only a year or so.

He also might be taking it very hard not because he loves her, but because they have only ever been together as adults. They've grown up together, only been adults together, she's taken the decision to end that, he's had that ending being thrown at him.

mrsjay · 10/11/2013 21:28

you know it is nothing to do with you yes it is a bit iffy but your dd and her Ex for a reason stay away let the boy visit what would you do if they were together for a long time let them sort it out ,

CoffeeTea103 · 10/11/2013 21:31

Op you are right in feeling this way. I don't understand how some people are saying it would be a non-issue. And regardless of she being your dd, I'm sure he became a part of your family over the 5 years. Sometimes even if it's your child, supporting them may also be telling them how wrong you feel about what they are doing. Being 20 and 'young' isn't any excuse.

Bogeyface · 10/11/2013 21:36

Your issue here isnt with the fact that he is her ex's BF as such is it? Its the fact that he clearly isnt bothered about how his friend feels (not a good sign) and has a reputation as a player (another bad sign).

Your DD has been with a guy for 5 years, at the age of 20. After 5 years at the age of 40 you would be forgiven for going a bit mad and making bad decisions, but at 20 it should be expected! She has been with one guy for a quarter of her life, she is going to have a rebound/transition period and actually I think that dating someone who is bad news may be a good thing.

It will help her appreciate the good things she had with her ex and also help her see what to avoid in the future.

Trills · 10/11/2013 21:36

Him being happy is not her responsibility. That's what "ex" means. She is single, she can date who she likes.

She is also 20 years old, and has to learn to deal with the consequences of her own actions. She is not doing anything illegal or actually dangerous, so you have to back off and let her assess the potential fallout and judge whether she thinks it is worth it.

If, as with your son's friendship group, her friends think that this is bad behaviour, then they will let her know.

I can understand why you are sad when you have known this young man since he was 15 but you need to realise that you being sad is not important here.

BasilBabyEater · 10/11/2013 21:39

I think it would be very unwise of you to ask her not to bring him home, simply because a) they may split up in 3 months time and you will have caused resentment for nothing and b) they may be together in 30 years time and that's a bad way to start off a long term relationship with someone.

mrsjay · 10/11/2013 21:46

what Basil said really I know you formed a bond with this boy but he is her Ex they are no longer together he will be fine and your dd has found somebody new, perhaps the friend and your dd have been attracted to each other for a while,

MoominMammasHandbag · 10/11/2013 21:46

I imagine your DD has really strong feelings for this new boy though, or seeing him wouldn't be worth all the upset. And she probably knows him well enough to see through his "player" reputation. DP was a bit of a womaniser because he felt it was all a bit pointless if he couldn't be with me.

lljkk · 10/11/2013 21:55

Well I think it's very lovely that OP took the lad (first boyf) to her heart & still cares about his feelings.

Sadly I don't think that helps with the new situation, but probably I would keep reminding my Dd to try to be sensitive.

mrsjay · 10/11/2013 21:57

It is nice I agree she liked the boy but her dd might have many boyfriends in the years to come It is like she is mourning dds first love , I know that sounds harsh but that is how it came across to me

Original poster

cbaanymore · 10/11/2013 22:07

Mrsjay you are right it is a sort of mourning, I am missing a young lad that became part of the family for 5 years as is all of my family but I understand that is part of life and you have to accept that relationships will come and go. it is the fact that it is his best friend that is the problem if she was with another lad that was unknown to her ex, I wouldn't have such a problem with it.

OP posts:

BasilBabyEater · 10/11/2013 22:10

I suppose this is one of the things parenting involves as your kids get older isn't it? Forming relationships with their friends, boyfs etc, which then get severed because that relationship belongs to them, not us IYSWIM and our role is to conduct those relationships only via our children - they're not really stand-alone relationships are they?

I'm not there yet (oldest is only 14) but I can imagine that's quite a difficult role and you might find yourself having to deal with this situation quite a few times in life depending on how many children you have and how many fairly long term bonded boyfs/ girlfs they have.

MoominMammasHandbag · 10/11/2013 22:49

Ah DD went out with a lovely boy for a year when she was 17. He was round here a couple of times a week, always ate with us, hung out with us like one of the family. DD seeing the boy coincided with DS1 leaving for Uni and I really think DS2 (7) started seeing him as a substitute big brother. When they broke up DS2 was absolutely bereft. We were all quite sad to be honest.
DD says she feels like a single Mum who has to be careful not to introduce boyfriends to her kids in case they become attached, only in this case the kid is her little brother.

trice · 10/11/2013 23:13

I fell in love with my ex's best friend/ flat mate when I was 20. Ex never spoke to either of us again after he found out. We have been together 20 years.

mrsjay · 11/11/2013 08:47

cba you are right it kind of shady that she is with her Exs friend I hope you are ok dont shut the new boyfriend out it might be a rebound thing and fizzle out or be long lasting however it works you sort of have to accept this boy

DontmindifIdo · 11/11/2013 09:00

As I said earlier on the thread, you wo'nt have a similar relationship with any of her future boyfriends, because for the simple reason you will now only know them as adults, you won't be part of them growing up (unless she starts dating the DS of one of your friends!). I went out with a boy for 2.5 years when 17-20 - I met my DH at 21. I think DH and I had been together for nearly 7-8 years before my parents got to the stage where they'd spent more time with DH than they did with exboyfriend, just because I met DH at uni then moved away. Plus exBoyfriend grew up in the same village I did, so they knew his family (although thankfully the families weren't close), and DH was a complete stranger to them.

Nailedit · 11/11/2013 22:43

I would be devastated if ex got together with a friend. Of all the millions of us out there, why shit on your own doorstep? But then again my ex is pretty evil and never gave a toss about me, so wouldn't be surprised.

UnicornsNotRiddenByGrownUps · 11/11/2013 22:47

It could be the start of something good. My best friend married my ex and my DH is my other friend's ex. I think sometimes fate pulls you in the right direction and leaves you to work out the rest

minibmw2010 · 11/11/2013 22:51

My Mum showed far more care for my ex-boyfriend than me when we split up. I was 24, we'd been together since I was18 and I just felt it was time to move on. I've never forgotten it .. You say your daughter doesn't know how you feel, don't be so sure!!

IWishYouWould · 12/11/2013 00:28

Op you have said your aware of what happened at the end. But how well do we really know the ins and outs of others relationships? I have had ex boyfriend's in the past who fitted in and were loved by the family. Behind closed doors and away from prying eyes they were not so nice. As you said the relationship ended for a reson and that is life. I'm not saying this is the case at all, but if in years to come, your daughter were to tell you something but she hadn't felt she could confide in you now, because you were so wrapped up in how ex would be feeling, how would that make you feel? I agree your daughter will know how you feel already. Please be careful who else in the family you voice your feelings to. It can lead to very uncomfortable tensions in the home. Although I can understand your feelings and the situation has changed quickly, your daughter needs to know she is important and your there for her. Please put the energy into her, or it may well have a damaging effect on your relationship without you realising. This could be short lived or the best thing that she ever did, you just don't know.

Rosencrantz · 12/11/2013 00:39

As a mother, when it comes to break ups, you ALWAYS have to be on your daughters side.

I'm struggling to think of an exception.

Think what you want privately, but being a bitch about this is a sure fire way to assure that your daughter never tells you anything again.

BerstieSpotts · 12/11/2013 00:45

I know someone who, dated a girl for 6 or 7 years from mid teens to early 20s, cheated on her with her best friend, later ended up marrying the best friend!

As far as I know after the initial upset the friendship group all survived. I think sometimes those early teenage relationships end up staying together out of habit and as you both grow up you realise that actually although this person is nice and you enjoy their company, you'd both be happier with other people because there is more to life/love than you realise when you're 15.

mrsjay · 12/11/2013 09:30

mini my aunt was devastated when my cousin broke up with her first proper boyfriend they were together years she used to invite him round for coffee and dinner because she missed him even after my cousin got married to somebody else they remained close it was weird imo

thebody · 12/11/2013 09:39

can understand you are upset op and it's understandable that you are close to her ex but it's best to put up the shields now, your dd has moved on, you need to move in and her ex will of course move on.

they are 20.. just kids, be pleasant to new bloke but essentially concentrate on your own life.

sure it will work out for the best and you never know they may yet end up together after all.

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