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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD dating ex boyfriends best friend

86 replies

cbaanymore · 10/11/2013 18:59

I have found out my daughter is dating her ex boyfriends best friend, her ex is still upset over the breakup and this would destroy him. I am really upset myself and have not yet spoken to her about it. Is it unreasonable to ask her not to bring him home. I really don't want anything to do with him and I'm really disappointed in her, as is my husband. Would really appreciate some advice as we are going away next weekend and I can't face the thought of her bringing him in to our home.

OP posts:
mrsjay · 12/11/2013 10:04

I agree with you thebody dds boyfriend is nice enough they have been together a few years but I wont get attached to him as they are only 20 and 21 and it could all end tomorrow,

Original poster
cbaanymore · 12/11/2013 17:13

I think this has taught me not to get attached to any future boyfriends as there may be a few more to come yet, at least until she finds the right one.
thebody the shields are already up (smile)

OP posts:
OneMoreChap · 12/11/2013 17:23

cbaanymore
it is the moral aspect which bothers me, especially on his side, this is his best friend he is betraying

What! That sounds suspiciously like - to paraphrase - "bros before hos".
Who thinks like that.

Your DD isn't XBF's property and bears his imprimatur to warn of all who knew them. Your DD is an adult and goes out with and sleeps pretty much with who she wants.

diagnosticnomansland · 12/11/2013 17:27

I'd drop that one like a hot potato. You do not want to alienate your daughter. You are not responsible for her actions...she is and it's up to her what she does with her life.

ApocalypseThen · 12/11/2013 17:53

What! That sounds suspiciously like - to paraphrase - "bros before hos".

Yup. The whole premis of the thread is totally bizarre. Poor girl.

OP, you need to unfriend yourself here. Stop the Facebook parenting. Parents aren't welcome in kids' relationships. Seriously.

TooTryHard · 12/11/2013 18:14

I agree with you OP. Neither dd or her new DP are behaving well.

You do have to support your dd but I very much doubt all of the posters on here who thinks it's reasonable would be so pragmatic about it if the ex were their own son.

Your dd is 20, so old enough to know her actions are damaging. This will, of course, be the end of the men's friendship but I would think his bf has more responsibility towards the ex than your dd does.

I think behaviour at this age is a good indictor of general attitudes and therefore can't be written off as them just being young. If the bf has history as well then I think you're right to be wary.

SarahAndFuck · 12/11/2013 18:26

He (the ex) doesn't have to lose his best friend.

He could behave like a grown up and accept that he and your daughter had already broken up before she started to date his friend and that it's no longer anything to do with him.

I'm not saying that will be easy for him, if he still has feelings for her then it will hurt, but he has no right or claim over either of them or who they can date now.

OP this boyfriend may be the right one. DH had not long turned 20 when we got married. We had been together for seven months on our wedding day.

If you say anything to your daughter or be anything less than welcoming to her new partner she will know, and you might end up driving a wedge between you and her, especially if she feels you are judging her morals on choosing him as her new boyfriend.

TheHappyCamper · 12/11/2013 18:30

I ended up marrying and having a child with one of my ex's best friends! It didn't go down very well and we have lost some friends over it, but sometimes you have to put yourself first in life I think. This was 6 years ago and we are in our 30's.

My parents and ex's parents were both gutted when we split as we had been together all through our 20's. You need to support your dd though.

diagnosticnomansland · 12/11/2013 20:33

I'm not convinced posters on here think it's "reasonable" - though we only have the OP's take of the situation to go one...what most are saying is that OP needs to stay out of it because her daughter is an adult and must lead her own life.

mitchsta · 13/11/2013 16:49

I had a boyfriend for 5 years that I started seeing in my teens. He fitted in just nicely with all my friends and family. Trouble was, he was a nasty bastard to me every time he got pissed (3-4 times a week). Not so nice. No-one else really knew what went on between us. My parents started off with the "if you get back together..." thing (I'm sure they had visions of their pure child settling down with her first love) but it didn't last once they knew it was the end. They were ALWAYS on my side. Her ex can go to his parents or other friends or whatever. Your daughter needs you.

I know someone who is in a long-term relationship with a girl that his best mate dated as teenagers. Only a very small gap between dating the mate and starting the relationship with him. The mate is now married with a baby. No harm done.

PrincessScrumpy · 13/11/2013 16:58

I did this. the friend had seen our relationship end and what an arse exbf was being and was really supportive. We clicked and 3 months later we started dating. Ex told everyone we were just doing it for revenge even when we got engaged it was apparently to spite him. Anyway, 13 years later we're happily married with 3 wonderful dc. Love is like that. If she'd cheated I wouldn't be so agreeable.

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