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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD dating ex boyfriends best friend

86 replies

cbaanymore · 10/11/2013 18:59

I have found out my daughter is dating her ex boyfriends best friend, her ex is still upset over the breakup and this would destroy him. I am really upset myself and have not yet spoken to her about it. Is it unreasonable to ask her not to bring him home. I really don't want anything to do with him and I'm really disappointed in her, as is my husband. Would really appreciate some advice as we are going away next weekend and I can't face the thought of her bringing him in to our home.

OP posts:

KirstyJC · 10/11/2013 19:46

How he is betraying his best friend? They had already split up, hadn't they? They are both free to date anyone they choose.

Morals have nothing to do with it. You are being ridiculous!

MrsCakesPremonition · 10/11/2013 19:50

Talk of betrayal and mistrust is ridiculous and slightly hysterical.

PatsysPyjamas · 10/11/2013 19:52

I don't think you are being ridiculous, OP. I would feel the same in your situation and I think people are being very dismissive. Though I do agree there is not much you can do about it.

Pilgit · 10/11/2013 19:53

If you meddle in any way you will just push them closer together. There is nothing so passion killing as parental approval. Presuming they were both free agents they haven't done anything wrong.

MrsOakenshield · 10/11/2013 19:59

I'm surprised at some of the comments here. 'You can't help who you fall for': no, you can't, but you can decide whether or not to act on it - or do you think anyone who fall for a MM should just go for it? No, didn't think so. Of course, they have split up, but it's a bit dancing on someone's grave to start dating their best friend (and what kind of a best friend is he? To date his mate's ex who he's still upset about the break up? What a charmer .)

I think you can support your daughter but you should still be honest with her and explain your feelings about it with her. Keep an open dialogue.

SlowlorisIncognito · 10/11/2013 19:59

I think some groups of friends at that age are a bit incestuous, everyone always dates within the group and it can be awkward dating outsiders. I think you have to take your daughter's side. You probably don't know everything that has gone on behind the scenes with her other boyfriend. He may appear blameless, but she may not be telling you the whole truth if she knows you like him.

If you ban him from your house, I would have thought she would just move out, which is probably not the reaction you want.

CoffeeTea103 · 10/11/2013 20:02

I'm surprised at some of the people saying that they had split up and free to date whoever they want. Would you be ok if your partner started dating your best friend/ sister? After all they are free to date whoever right? Her age shouldn't also dismiss this, she needs more guidance. Op should speak to her about how she feels.

Tricycletops · 10/11/2013 20:04

If they had already broken up, he's not 'betraying his best friend'. You're being rather melodramatic.

But then I am married to a long-ago best friend's ex...

DontmindifIdo · 10/11/2013 20:07

you seem to have decided your DD has cheated, you don't know that for one second. In your late teens/early 20s, it's rare to have found "the one" straight away. Do you know why your DD dumped her now ex? Does she have good reasons? At the risk of being harsh, are you 100% certain he deserves your concern for his feelings ?

You need to be on your DD's side. They are so young, most people I know dated more than one person within their friendship group in their late teens/early 20s, it's not the same 'big deal'.

Oh, and if this bloke does turn out to be a 'keeper' you don't want to be causing problems now you regret when your son-in-law doesn't want to visit his PILs that often with the grandkids because his MIL made him feel unwelcome and make it clear she'd prefer her DD had settled down with her previous boyfriend when he first met the family...

littlewhitebag · 10/11/2013 20:10

I once ditched a boyfriend for his mate.

28 years of marriage to the mate shows I was right to do this. .

SanityClause · 10/11/2013 20:11

A friend of mine went abroad for an extended holiday just after we finished school. We were all appalled when her best friend started going out with her boyfriend (they had broken up when she went abroad).

But really, there was no immorality. They had split up. It was just that we were upset about the change in the status quo, and how the change would affect us.

usualsuspect · 10/11/2013 20:13

As others have said, it's very common for teenagers/young adults to date from the same friendship group.

ErrorError · 10/11/2013 20:29

WRT the 'can't help who you fall for but you can choose not to act on it' comment. I only agree with that to the extent that, yes, you shouldn't act on your feelings if there was impropriety going on (i.e. OPs DD was actually cheating on her boyfriend with this guy.) As that doesn't appear to be the case (and who knows but her and him, rightly so) then nothing inappropriate has occurred and they should be free to see each other regardless of anyone's disapproval.

Yes they're young and this may not be a lasting thing, but you should let him walk in your door with the same clean slate as you would for any of her other boyfriends as he could be your son-in-law some day. Agree also about young people and their smaller friendship groups. It was very common in my circle of friends to have had the same partner at some point or another.

One man I knew even separately dated two sisters, who didn't actually mind. I think sister would be a step to far for me, but I wouldn't hold it against a friend if she fell for one of my exes, I'd probably just question her judgement after all the stories I told her about his bad behaviour!

Dawndonnaagain · 10/11/2013 20:31

I did this. We celebrated 20 years last week.

MadBusLady · 10/11/2013 20:42

Jesus, no wonder people stay married and feel stupidly obligated to dead-in-the-water partnerships long after they should call it a day, if some of the attitudes on this thread are what they're picking up from parents as young adults. Cannot believe people are suggesting this is "immoral". Grips, get them.

MadBusLady · 10/11/2013 20:45

Would you be ok if your partner started dating your best friend/ sister? After all they are free to date whoever right?

Yes. Of course I wouldn't be "ok" in the sense that I might be upset about the end of the relationship, but yes, they are absolutely free to date whoever.

"Being upset about a Thing" does not equate to "Thing must be immoral", whatever the tabloids say.

MrsOakenshield · 10/11/2013 20:46

I don't think it's immoral, but, depending on how they broke up and the time-frame, it could be very hurtful. Bringing up your children to be sensitive of others' feelings can hardly be a bad thing, can it?

MadBusLady · 10/11/2013 20:52

Sensitive at what cost though? If the OP's daughter turned round from dumping bloke #1 into a clinch with bloke #2 at a party, yes, that would be insensitive, and easily avoidable. Being sensitive to the point of debarring yourself from potential dating partners at age 20 because of a previous teen relationship is absurd.

Original poster

cbaanymore · 10/11/2013 21:01

I think MrsO, you are right in that this is more about peoples feelings than being immoral. I asked my 23 year old son if he thought I was being unreasonable in feeling this way and he said in his friendship group it would definitely be off limits to date your best friends ex, especially, as in this case the break up was very recent.

OP posts:

MrsOakenshield · 10/11/2013 21:02

but we debarr ourselves from potential dating partners all the time for one reason or another, and it's not the epic disaster you're suggesting it is! You make it sound like her life would be over!

MadBusLady · 10/11/2013 21:07

It's the OP who's talking about people being "destroyed" by this, not me. They're twenty. This really isn't going to matter a damn to any of them in a year's time, maybe less. The only expectations a 20yo needs heaping on them as regards relationships are to behave honestly, and insist on being treated honestly. Unless and until we learn she hasn't behaved honestly, this is a non-issue.

I can't think of a single instance where I've ever debarred myself from a dating partner TBH, or expected anyone I know to do so to spare my feelings.

MoominMammasHandbag · 10/11/2013 21:12

I am another one who fell for her boyfriend's mate when I was in my mid twenties. For about a year I didn't realise he felt the same about me, we always just tried to avoid each other.
Inevitably we got a bit drunk and inappropriate one night and told each other how we felt. When we came clean we lost a lot of friends. In retrospect I should have just finished with ex and pretended to get with new guy six months later.
My parents reacted like you OP, I'd been with ex for 5 years and he was a nice guy, they were fond of him. They were ashamed of me and thought new guy was a bit of a git.

22 years on we have four kids and a nice life, all the family loves DP. We know we behaved badly years ago but we were young and selfish. We didn't do it lightly though; we knew we were the real thing.

cardibach · 10/11/2013 21:13

I have never understood the 'don't date your friend's ex' rule. Yes, if my friend had a bad break up I would not immediately date her ex, but if it was a mutual decision, of if a reasonable amount of time had passed, or if one of a myriad of other circumstances were in place, then I don't see that it is wrong. It is certainly not 'immoral'!
I agree with MadBusLady - just because someone doesn't like it/is upset by it does not mean it is immoral, or even wrong.

DontmindifIdo · 10/11/2013 21:16

I can see why you are hurt for the ex, if your DD started dating him at 15, and they are now 20, he's been a part of your family for a long time. Anyone she dated at 15 will have a very different relationship with you as a man she'll date from now onwards, you are now welcoming a man into your home, rather than a boy you saw grow up, any new boyfriend isn't going to be the same for you and the rest of your family.

But, so very few people marry the person they dated at 15/16. Very few of my friends were single at 16, but now in our mid 30s, only one couple are still together.

It also might just be her getting the ex out of her system, long term relationships are hard to walk away from, particularly ones from such a young age - it's unlikely she has a completely separate friendship group, she's only ever been with him as an adult. Grabbing hold of the nearest person rather than have a go at being single (which is a bit scary) is very normal. She's only known being part of a couple. She's unlikely to have ever gone out on the pull with her friends, while she might have had blokes try to chat her up, she's never been in a position to do anything about it, much easier to go back into another relationship with someone she knows. (and he might not have the best reputation, but then, she knows him and has always known him as an adult, his track record is known to her, he isn't a new person to get to know.) You might also find their mutual friends are encouraging them to be together, she's the one in the nice stable relationship and has always been that one, she's not a single friend, they might be trying to get back to the status quo within the group, albeit with a different coupling.

Step back, be nice, he might be the love of her life. He might be a 'getting over the ex' relationship. Don't do anything that could damage your relationship with your DD until you know.

Original poster

cbaanymore · 10/11/2013 21:22

MadBusLady I remember being in my teens/twenties and relationship breakups were far from being a non-issue. I also know the family of the ex boyfriend very well and he has taken it very badly so it is not a non-issue for him either, he is now about to lose his best friend as well as the girl he still loves. I understand the reasons why the relationship broke down and have supported my daughter all the way but I still feel this relationship is wrong at this time. My daughter does not know how I feel by the way.

OP posts:

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