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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sleep-over for DS (14) am I?

83 replies

Feminine · 10/07/2013 14:59

I'm wondering....

DS (14) would like to go to a sleep-over with some 'male' friends for his mates 14th Birthday party! It will be in a tent in the garden apparently?

Anyway, I'd like to say "no"

I don't know the friend, or his family. I don't know if one of the kids will smuggle in alcohol. Too many unknowns for me really.

I don't want to stop him from having fun....but I'm sure those of you with teens can read between the lines here.

Normally he is a sensible boy. normally Grin

OP posts:
70isaLimitNotaTarget · 10/07/2013 15:04

Do you trust your DS not to be 'lead' if someone does bring alcohol?

Will the boy's parents be there (not in the tent but in the house).
My DS is 13.6 and I think I'd trust him Grin he's shown no signs of thinking about lager/ciggies/girls -so far.

I think I'd be more relaxed with a 14yo DS on a sleepover than a 16 yo. Then I would worry Confused

ilovechips · 10/07/2013 15:05

Do you know of the friend? Or know anyone who knows the parents? I think I would be inclined to let him go as long as I had full details of when/where and he had his phone with him.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 10/07/2013 15:06

When you put 'male' in inverted commas, do you reckon there might be girls there?

Edendance · 10/07/2013 15:06

I think you're being unreasonable tbh... He's 14 and camping in the garden sounds fun! Why not invite the friend over to yours before then if you're concerned.

You're saying he's sensible- so reward that. If you stop him doing things like this then you may find he goes behind your back. By allowing him treats such as this you're showing him you trust and respect him, and it'll encourage good communication between the two of you.

Original poster
Feminine · 10/07/2013 15:08

70 well it is always a possibility isn't it?Wink

He will have his phone.

I don't know any of the friends , or any of the parents.

It is not helping that I have a brother who is 17!

OP posts:
Original poster
Feminine · 10/07/2013 15:11

Eden we have a great relationship really.

I'm worried mainly about the alcohol. I won't lie. I'm actually scared he might drink too much.

The teens round here do.

OP posts:
Flossie82 · 10/07/2013 15:11

At 14 you have to start letting go a bit, surely, unless you have reason to think your son can't be trusted? What makes you think the party will not be as described? We frequently camped in friends gardens from age about 12 onwards.

Original poster
Feminine · 10/07/2013 15:12

Off to school. Thanks for replies so far! :)

OP posts:
NoComet · 10/07/2013 15:12

It's a very difficult call, I let DD2(12) go in sleepovers with people I don't know as they are unlikely to get up to a great deal, but in the future? Do I trust some of DD2's friends not to smuggle booze and boys into the equation Hmm

My DD1(15) isn't a problem her sleep over mates have been friends since she was very young and have parents who would go ballistic at any hint of misbehaviour.

Far stricter than me. But they went to nice public schools not rural comprehensives in police free, licensing law ignoring villages.

DF would be utterly horrified at the sort of things we got up to.

magimedi · 10/07/2013 15:13

I'd ring the parents & ask them about it. If I were the host parents it wouldn't bother me at all. And I would want to know a contact number for an under 16 in my garden.

NoComet · 10/07/2013 15:24

So yes it's all a matter of trust. My teetotal Dfather, certainly didn't approve of the boozing, but realised saying no left me with no social life at all. Everyone went to village dances from 14 -25 (having DCs and no spare cash/babysitting).

He trusted me not to get drunk, not to have sex (certainly not to get PG) and to be home in time. I respected that trust.

I was always home on time, very rarely stupidly drunk and never sick except in the loo and never got laid. (I would have once if there had been condom machines back then).

So OP do you trust your DS to be sensible and does he have the self confidence to say no if he doesn't like what's going on.

Have you a clear location for where he's going, a parents phone number and a firm returning home time (These are my rules for the DDs).

Letting go is hard, but it must have been harder still for my parents with no mobiles and even friends who's parents didn't have landlines either.

jollygoose · 10/07/2013 15:32

Of course he should go but .. its reasonable to expect that you have a conversation with his dm and ask her to keep a wary eye open.

usualsuspect · 10/07/2013 15:35

It's impossible to know all their friends and their friends parents at 14

If you trust him, let him go.

LadyBeagleEyes · 10/07/2013 15:37

He's 14, of course he should go.
He's camping in a mate's garden, it's not Glastonbury. Does he never sleep over at friends houses?
As for alcohol, well at 14 they're always going to stretch the boundaries, but you have to learn to trust him.

thebody · 10/07/2013 15:46

You have to loosen the cord at some stage. You just gotta hope they don't strangle themselves too often.

Alcohol will probably be there but talk to him about it.

Girls may be there and talk to him about that.

I wouldn't contact the parents to be honest as mine would have been teased about that at 14. Girls yes boys defiantly not!!!!

Sure he's got a phone and Facebook. Get him to text u and know the address just in case and check his Facebook while he's there.

If you start to say no to all teen requests they will do it anyway and lie to you.

hellsbells99 · 10/07/2013 15:46

My DD (15) went to a tent sleepover last week. I took her there and introduced myself to her friends mum. It didn't occur to me not to let her go

BooMeowson · 10/07/2013 15:53

He really should go.

But pick him up super early and have fun with his hangover if he gets one!

secretscwirrels · 10/07/2013 15:54

DS1 went to his first mixed sleepover in tents at 13. As 70 said it's actually better at 13 than 16. I knew the parents though.
To be fair even if you did know the parents there is always one who will smuggle in some alcohol.
Have you talked to him about alcohol? What it does to people and what can happen? Explained how sometimes nice quiet people turn nasty when they have alcohol, loss of inhibitions causing risk taking? Has he ever drunk any at home under your supervision?
You have to teach him how to deal with situations when you are not there and show him that you trust him. That will be important to him.

Original poster
Feminine · 10/07/2013 16:15

Thanks all.

Yes, he has drunk small amounts small, at family gatherings.

cider, beer.

Never had any spirits at all. I'm scared he will either get alcohol poisoning or choke on his vomit.

I can't pretend that is not a concern. I think if I knew it was just a sleep -over camping thingy then I'd not even have posted :)

He has proved to be trustworthy in the past. I don't feel comfortable with this though. I have taken on board all the help here , I'm pondering....

OP posts:
Original poster
Feminine · 10/07/2013 16:16

Oh, and I am blocked from anything interesting on his FB.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feminine · 10/07/2013 16:18

As we are beyond rural Grin we will have to pick him up and take him.

OP posts:
secretscwirrels · 10/07/2013 16:23

We are very rural and I think that means there are far more sleepovers-in-tents because all their friends lives miles apart and it saves parents having to pick them up late at night.
I have found there to be no problems with DSs group drinking until they turned 16. At that point most parents seem to accept there will be alcohol and allow themto take it. If DS goes to a party he takes a small bottle of flavoured cider for himself. I don't think they go for spirits much?

Original poster
Feminine · 10/07/2013 16:26

Thanks secret I know I am being a bit silly.

I know it helps he is nearly 5 10" and is solidly built.

I'm not nervous about him taking a trip to Earls court in September, this has just got me differently I think?

OP posts:
Original poster
Feminine · 10/07/2013 16:28

also...I know what I'm thinking here. We spent 7 yrs living in the US, teens just don't do alcohol like they do here.

I've seen it is possible to have fun, minus it!

OP posts:
JamieandtheMagicTorch · 10/07/2013 16:32

I'd want to speak to the parents.

If anyone thinks thats OTT, tough titties

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