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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sleep-over for DS (14) am I?

83 replies

Feminine · 10/07/2013 14:59

I'm wondering....

DS (14) would like to go to a sleep-over with some 'male' friends for his mates 14th Birthday party! It will be in a tent in the garden apparently?

Anyway, I'd like to say "no"

I don't know the friend, or his family. I don't know if one of the kids will smuggle in alcohol. Too many unknowns for me really.

I don't want to stop him from having fun....but I'm sure those of you with teens can read between the lines here.

Normally he is a sensible boy. normally Grin

OP posts:
jacks365 · 10/07/2013 21:33

Cardibach if you have minors in your house overnight then if something happened ie taken ill how would you contact their parents. You can be insulted all you like but if you couldn't be interested enough to get contact details then to me you're not being responsible enough.

cardibach · 10/07/2013 21:43

I would contact their parents by them using their phone or my phone to do it ! Actually, that has happened to me, a friend of DDs has a heart condition and before it was diagnosed he was taken ill in a tent in my garden. He revived and phoned home then I drove him back. If necessary, I or DD would have used his phone to contact them or I would have simply driven to his house. It isn't about interest, don't be so insulting! I really, rally object to you suggesting I am not interested in supervising or in the well being of young people in my care! I just don't believe in babying them. Their parents obviously agree as they don't have my number either. Please don't think you are so superior and in a position to insult me.

mypussyiscalledCaramel · 10/07/2013 21:51

My son has been on camp outs with his mates since he was 13. He now goes over the local heath, with his mates.

I have no control over this as he was hijacked by his grandparents when I was going through a bad MH patch.

Fortunately he does tell me what he's been upto when I see him because he knows I will discuss rather than lecture.

I am also known as the Mum who can get glo in the dark condoms. Blush

He'll be 16 soon. He has also informed me that girls get all squeaky when he messes about below their waist.

He told his grandparents that he was gay the other day (he's not), just to see the reaction. Nana went into full flap mode and said wait until I tell your grandad, who proceeded to be visually homophobic and just spluttered.Grin Grin

I think I've gone off on a tangent, but this is how being honest about EVERYTHING as he grew up has helped him.

jacks365 · 10/07/2013 21:53

Having contact details is not about babying them but to me common sense. I do not want to rely on a phone which may have no battery or a pin code etc in the case of an emergency. I want to ensure that I can contact parents no matter what.

cardibach · 10/07/2013 21:57

Each to their own I suppose, jacks. DD is 17 and I have not had any problems. I don't mind you having numbers, I do object to you suggesting I would not be interested in supervising because I don't think it is necessary to have them. That is just a stupid theory.

StuntGirl · 10/07/2013 21:58

What? Surely knowing their names and having a contact number is like, bare minimum? He's 14. You just have to exist to embarrass him. Call the parents. Give them your details. Find out the score.

Although my 14 year old would not be hanging round a park at night drinking. So, y'know, maybe my opinion doesn't count for much here.

Turniptwirl · 10/07/2013 22:06

He isn't going to get alcohol poisoning or choke on his vomit.

He's 14 and sensible. A can of cheap cider will be exciting! At the worst he might have too much and throw up in the flower bed.!

Let him go. Otherwise next time he will lie to you and go anyway.

jacks365 · 10/07/2013 22:10

Each to their own. The circles my children mix in the parents do bother being able to contact so for me that is the norm, it works for us. Oddly enough they tend to also use landline numbers more than mobiles too so most are in my home phone anyway ( serious lack of signal at the house)

Turniptwirl · 10/07/2013 22:12

And I like the idea of a secret word he can text you and you can call or come pick him up on some pretext if he's uncomfortable with what's happening

A friends teenager doesn't like hanging around at the spot all her friends go to so she tells them she's not allowed and makes suitable roll eyes teenage angst faces

usualsuspect · 10/07/2013 22:14

When my DCs went to secondary school I didn't know any of their friends parents. I would have thought most teenagers would have their own phones so wouldn't get parents contact numbers tbh.

StuntGirl · 10/07/2013 22:38

My mother didn't know my friend's parents either. But if I was spending the night at their house she sure as hell got their details and spoke to them first. And we all had pagers and mobiles so could be contacted or contact her too.

cardibach · 10/07/2013 22:46

jacks you are doing it again. Using the word 'bother' so suggesting it is about laziness/lack of care. I've explained why it isn't. usual I'm glad you are agreeing with me as I thought I might have gone mad/strayed into an alternative universe.
And hanging about in a park drinking isn't what we were asked about..,

MammaTJ · 10/07/2013 23:47

If you won't be meeting the parents, then in my book, it won't be happening. I agree that at 14, he is of an age to start getting a bit more freedom, but that comes with trust and trust is earned by communication and agreeing to terms and conditions and sticking to them.

Meeting the parents would most certainly be one of the conditions of this one.

going to to a nethuns thing to show my credentials

StM to a now 28 year old, who I helped bring up from age 9, Mum to an 18 year old, as well as my teo youngest.

BOF · 10/07/2013 23:56

I agree with MamaTJ and others- you have to meet the parents at drop off, or speak to them beforehand on the phone if they are going to be out (I'd be ok with that if they were home before 11, say, to mop up any disasters).

jacks365 · 11/07/2013 00:04

Cardibach if you read the thread and the additional comments the op has added you will see that hanging around at the park is what is being talked about.

Sometimes its hard to word things right and using bother was not to imply that you are lazy simply a word to state that all the parents I know do talk to each other.

McGeeDiNozzo · 11/07/2013 05:26

My view is children have to be allowed to make their own mistakes. If it were my DD (or DS, but I have a DD rather than a DS) I'd let her go.

Eastpoint · 11/07/2013 06:12

J

Eastpoint · 11/07/2013 06:15

Just ring the parents & say you want to check they are ok with the sleepover & ask what the plans are. If they say they've bought 10 cases of beer & 6 bottles of vodka for 20 children you've got a problem. If they are letting the boys watch a DVD/play computer games then sleep in the tent you don't. I'm sure they won't mind you calling them, why would they?

Timetoask · 11/07/2013 06:18

I would let him go, however
1- I would ask to talk to the parents
2- I would talk about his behaviour and my expectations of him while away

cardibach · 11/07/2013 07:52

I am answering the question in the OP. The vague possibility if it being cover for hanging about in the park drinking has been mentioned once.

Original poster
Feminine · 11/07/2013 09:17

Ok, thanks for all the latest up-dates.

DS is a very mature boy. Wanting to do this caught me by surprise as he didn't like sleep-overs much as a younger boy!

It started with a Birthday party in a tent...I suspected there was more to it and asked what would else they would be doing?

They (apparently) would be probably go to the park and 'play' hide and seek in the dark? "its more fun that way" Confused

For darkness in the summer , he would need to be leaving the 'tent' at round 9-10 at night!

I don't want him wondering around the village at chucking out time from the pubs!

I have been helped by your posts but I'm more confused than yesterday ....and actually quite stressed.

OP posts:
FauxFox · 11/07/2013 09:49

I think you have to grit your teeth and let him. Assuming he has been reasonably sensible in the past, you know roughly where he is, he is aware of the consequences of drinking/sex/drugs etc and has a mobile and knows he can call you at any time if things are not what he expected and he wants to leave. He is 14. He needs the opportunities to take responsibility for himself. Only you know your son, don't punish him if he hasn't let you down before.

Original poster
Feminine · 11/07/2013 09:55

Thanks fox wise words.

I'm working on it.

Its strange, I don't know why I have a reacted like this? I have always let him do most other things... :)

OP posts:
FauxFox · 11/07/2013 10:06

It must be hard, you want to trust them but protect them at the same time! Trust yourself - you've taught him what's right up to now, let him use what he's learnt.

loopylou6 · 11/07/2013 10:39

My ds is 14, I think I would be uncomfortable with this situation.

Sorry, not helpful I know.

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