Sleep-over for DS (14) am I?

[Feminine]

I'm wondering....

DS (14) would like to go to a sleep-over with some 'male' friends for his mates 14th Birthday party! It will be in a tent in the garden apparently?

Anyway, I'd like to say "no"

I don't know the friend, or his family. I don't know if one of the kids will smuggle in alcohol. Too many unknowns for me really.

I don't want to stop him from having fun....but I'm sure those of you with teens can read between the lines here.

Normally he is a sensible boy. normally

[RandomFriend]

You could call the parents and check that they plan to be on the premises for the whole time, what type of drinks they are allowing, how many others will be there, etc.

You can also talk to DS about risks, temptations, etc.

If you are going to be taking him there, you'll be able to meet the parents of the friend and see where they will be.

[Feminine]

Yes, random that is true. I'll be able to

Actually , I'm almost going to have to let him.

My rule has always been that as long as he lets me know where he is , then...

[RoxyFox211]

Maybe let him go but ask for an address and/or home phone number that you definitely won't use unless in an emergency? I know it's embarrassing but at least you have a vague idea where he is. More reasonable than saying no completely I suppose.

[Feminine]

he has given me the address...I'll know where he is.

Guess I could even text him?

[Justforlaughs]

Definitely speak to the parents - I could give you some real horror stories about parties/ sleepovers and tent parties that have gone wrong, without proper supervision. Check that they will be there (in the house I mean), make sure they have your number in case they need it (I had a DS, 10yo, wandering the streets at 4 am, where parents had decided the noise was too loud and threw them all out, without informing parents), make sure he knows YOUR rules about drinking, check whether they will be allowed alcohol etc, etc. If it's OTT, tough!

[squeakytoy]

its better that you know where he is, and he knows if he does drink more than he can handle, he feels that he can call you for help, rather than suffer in silence in case he gets a royal bollocking..

almost all teens learn their limits by the mistakes they make, and the very vast majority come to no long lasting harm..

[Squitten]

I would want to know at least where he is and be able to contact the parents - address and phone number. They should have your number too so that everyone is contactable in an emergency. I would also want to know that the parents will be there the whole time otherwise I wouldn't let him go.

I would give him a talking to about what you expect before he goes (drink, etc) and let him know what the consequences will be if you find he has behaved differently. Beyond that, let him go.

You have my sympathies - my eldest is only 4. I can't imagine him EVER being responsible enough to cross the road on his own, let alone go out without me!

[shewhowines]

Have a secret word or phrase, so that if it is getting out of hand and he wants to come home, he can use it and you can make an excuse to call him home without him losing face.

[Feminine]

squeaky that is what I am hoping. That if he does drink he will have some idea about when to stop!

Yes, I'll get some contact numbers. You'd think they would want mine wouldn't you?

:)

Thanks for your help and ideas.

[IloveJudgeJudy]

I know that you say you don't know the other boys, but has your DS mentioned their names? If so, then I think you should let him. You could ring the parents, or just speak to them on the doorstep when you drop DS off. You need him to make sure that they will be there the whole time. The one thing I wouldn't be happy about would be if the parents were absent during this sleepover. I expect the parents to be on the premises at that age.

If he's in a nice group of friends that you know the names of, at least, then I'm sure everything will be fine. As others have said, the apron strings need to loosened at some point. Also, perhaps you could talk to him beforehand about your expectations and how disappointed you would be if he behaved badly.

[Feminine]

judgejudy he has shown me the Birthday boys picture on facebook, along with his family in an effort to convince me lol!

Anyway....I'm going to chat a bit more with him. :)

[funkybuddah]

Teenager's drink.

With regard to a sleepover in a tent, he's 14 you know he can leave home in 2years right?

Just make sure he had his phone incase he feels or of his comfort zone

[cardibach]

I have a 17 year old DDD and she has been having sleepovers in tents/barns for several years - usually mixed groups - as we live in a very rural area. She knows what I think/expect with regard to drink and sex and I trust her to keep (close) to those expectations. As far as I know, she does. There has been no evidence to the contrary. Some of her friends drink more than her (she has small quantities of alcopops), some don't drink at all.
Let him go and don't worry - if he is so drunk that choking on vomit is a possibility, someone will tell the parents.

[Feminine]

funcky yes, he can leave at 16 ...right now, he is still a minor though.

The sleepover in a tent, is a cover IMO.



The latest up-date( from him) is that they plan to go to the park when it gets dark. great

[Feminine]

Sorry funky I spelt your name strangely.

[Justforlaughs]

That is always a possibility OP. Certainly round here there are lots of teenagers spending the nights in the park. Mostly, without major incident, but I wouldn't be happy if it was my own DC doing so.

[xylem8]

I would want to speak to the parents. As a general rule if a teenager has the opportunity of sex and alcohol they will take it.I think lots of you have forgotten what being a teenager is like.

[marriedinwhiteagain]

OP our dc are 18 and 15 and we are walking distance (OK 30 mins brisk walking) from Earl's Court - so quite street wise London children. At 14 I wpould have expected to know where they were sleepoing, who the parents were, where they lived (in short a bit about their provenance) before I said yes. Of couurse there will be a bit of booze, a few fags and probably a sheesha pipe thingy but it's all normal really providing you know who tjhey are with and where they are. --ds was bunged on a train to cornwall at 14 and had a lovely time with 5 14 year boys, 3 13 year girls all under the wing of 80 year old grandpa and his 53 year old girlfriend. Mum and dad whizzed down for the odd night - but best holiday ever! Will ne fine. Let him go with clipped wings.

[Feminine]

Its a bit of a mixed response isn't it.

DS has just told me I won't be meeting the parents!

Bloomin hell

[Feminine]

Thanks married.

am originally a South London girl, did my teen yrs there.

I'm not so nervous of scary old London...just this!

[marriedinwhiteagain]

Track the parent down and have a quiet Word in secret - they'll be delighted. DS is going to Ibetha next week and three sets of parents initiated a conference call To which DH and I were invited before arrangements were agreed. DH and I hooted a bit but made the right noises. Thjey were all 17. Wha - do you realise they will drink a lot and there are tattoo parlours - Dhj was on thw sofa with a hjanky in his $outh during that call - don't know how I kept myu voice level to be honest. "Ooh Annabel, that's a really justified concern, yes we will talk to him abu that but I think they are quite sensible. Yes I know there are tattoo parlours (I think DH raised his knees to his chin at that point and actively had not to pee himself).

Hope he has a lovely time OP. It's fresher's week training :).

[knackeredmother]

Well, at 14 most of my peers were drinking and having sexual relations of some sort and most parties involved this.
However, it was fun, none of us came to any harm and I would have resented my parents if I couldn't go.
However, 23 years later I'm not sure I would want dd to go either.
It's so difficult being a parent isn't it!

[jacks365]

My rule was if I don't know the parents enough to say hi if we pass in the street then they don't go to the sleepover. There tends to be 5 of us who hold sleepovers as we have the most suitable houses even to the extent that I hosted dd3 friends birthday sleepover as her mum couldn't. I've always chatted to parents first just to confirm ground rules re alcohol, travel, contact numbers etc and would be worried if someone was hosting a sleepover and didn't do that. If they aren't interested in getting parents details then assume they are not bothering to supervise either.

[Feminine]

Oh wow. It is so stressful. I really appreciate all of you giving me help today.

I need find a way of saying a quick hello to the parents while trying to spare DS this

[cardibach]

If they aren't interested in getting parents details then assume they are not bothering to supervise either.
I don't think you can assume that at all, jack. These are minors, yes, but not children. I don't know the contact numbers of the parents of any of DDs friends and I certainly do supervise! That is quite an insulting comment tbh. What a sad reflection on people's trust of their children.