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AIBU?

Sleep-over for DS (14) am I?

83 replies

Feminine · 10/07/2013 14:59

I'm wondering....

DS (14) would like to go to a sleep-over with some 'male' friends for his mates 14th Birthday party! It will be in a tent in the garden apparently?

Anyway, I'd like to say "no"

I don't know the friend, or his family. I don't know if one of the kids will smuggle in alcohol. Too many unknowns for me really.

I don't want to stop him from having fun....but I'm sure those of you with teens can read between the lines here.

Normally he is a sensible boy. normally

OP posts:

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Feminine · 12/07/2013 09:50

Apparently this Birthday boy is new to the area/school.

As we are dropping him off, I'll at least have a contact point if I need to.

married you have sometimes mentioned things in your posts , that make me think I might have seen you IRL at some point!

Thanks for your help over the past couple of days...:)

OP posts:

marriedinwhiteagain · 11/07/2013 20:43

We live in London but I still know someone through someone to do a double check in these circs. I've even met mums on mnet I've never met in RL whose DC know my DC!! My DC have chums going back to NCT groups with whom they go to school!!

marriedinwhiteagain · 11/07/2013 20:40

I hope he has a great time. Just a thought does the school/PTA not circulate class lists with addresses/phone no's,, emails on them?

Feminine · 11/07/2013 19:23

:) yes, just the four. We have decided to let him go, and we have warned him not to let us down!

OP posts:

secretscwirrels · 11/07/2013 17:11

Just the four boys? I really think you should relax and let him go. It's a village, there are lots of disadvantages to being rural and one of the few advantages is the safety. Playing hide and seek in the dark will be really fun and you know he won't want to do that in another year or so.

Feminine · 11/07/2013 12:32

Thank you just and jane

It looks like there will only be 4 boys attending...hmm I just don't know?

We will drop him off, the village is next to ours....so not too far away.

I'll try to find his parents. I've seen the birthday boy on FB also, looks like a normal family

The sleepover is Friday, so I've one more evening to get more and final details.

Thanks again.

OP posts:

SJaneS · 11/07/2013 11:39

Hi Feminine

If you're still reading replies then sorry, but I do think you've reason to be concerned..or at least to look into it further. My own experience of my eldest (now 18) going to a camp out was that she came back very drunk and some poor soul had passed out in his own sick and had been urinated on (lovely!). My sister let her teenage children have a camp out party in their back field last month - lots of alcohol was involved and some bright spark threw a petrol canister on the fire causing an explosion. One kid had lost his clothes and I-phone and his mate had thrown them on the fire as well.

The key thing is to speak to the parents and find out how many kids are going. If it's a really small number, impossible to gatecrash and the parents plan to go out regularly then it may be ok. As you know though, you may stop him going to this thing but it's completely impossible to police them all the time and they will and do experiment much as we did back in our days!

Justforlaughs · 11/07/2013 11:24

My DS is 15 and we have had some real horror stories from parents who haven't checked on where they are. I would allow him to go, I would allow him to go and play hide and seek in the dark (known as Manhunt round here!), but he would also be give strict rules and I would have to trust him to abide by them. Limited alcohol, parents must be contactable and they must be able to contact me (phones are quite easily lost when playing hide and seek in the dark, I should know! ), at least one friend must also have my number saved on their phone in case of emergency (my 15yo is quite likely to break a leg jumping out of a tree!), parents must be at home (NOT a given by any stretch of imagination), and a time to back at the tent/ in the garden (happy for mine to be out until midnight - not causing trouble/ in a residential area making a noise, but NOT happy for him to out until 3). Do you trust him? If so show him. I made a deal with mine, I will trust them unless/ until such a time as they prove me wrong, then they deal with the consequences. I hope he has a great time, and that you manage to get some sleep

loopylou6 · 11/07/2013 10:39

My ds is 14, I think I would be uncomfortable with this situation.

Sorry, not helpful I know.

FauxFox · 11/07/2013 10:06

It must be hard, you want to trust them but protect them at the same time! Trust yourself - you've taught him what's right up to now, let him use what he's learnt.

Feminine · 11/07/2013 09:55

Thanks fox wise words.

I'm working on it.

Its strange, I don't know why I have a reacted like this? I have always let him do most other things... :)

OP posts:

FauxFox · 11/07/2013 09:49

I think you have to grit your teeth and let him. Assuming he has been reasonably sensible in the past, you know roughly where he is, he is aware of the consequences of drinking/sex/drugs etc and has a mobile and knows he can call you at any time if things are not what he expected and he wants to leave. He is 14. He needs the opportunities to take responsibility for himself. Only you know your son, don't punish him if he hasn't let you down before.

Feminine · 11/07/2013 09:17

Ok, thanks for all the latest up-dates.

DS is a very mature boy. Wanting to do this caught me by surprise as he didn't like sleep-overs much as a younger boy!

It started with a Birthday party in a tent...I suspected there was more to it and asked what would else they would be doing?

They (apparently) would be probably go to the park and 'play' hide and seek in the dark? "its more fun that way"

For darkness in the summer , he would need to be leaving the 'tent' at round 9-10 at night!

I don't want him wondering around the village at chucking out time from the pubs!

I have been helped by your posts but I'm more confused than yesterday ....and actually quite stressed.

OP posts:

cardibach · 11/07/2013 07:52

I am answering the question in the OP. The vague possibility if it being cover for hanging about in the park drinking has been mentioned once.

Timetoask · 11/07/2013 06:18

I would let him go, however
1- I would ask to talk to the parents
2- I would talk about his behaviour and my expectations of him while away

Eastpoint · 11/07/2013 06:15

Just ring the parents & say you want to check they are ok with the sleepover & ask what the plans are. If they say they've bought 10 cases of beer & 6 bottles of vodka for 20 children you've got a problem. If they are letting the boys watch a DVD/play computer games then sleep in the tent you don't. I'm sure they won't mind you calling them, why would they?

Eastpoint · 11/07/2013 06:12

J

McGeeDiNozzo · 11/07/2013 05:26

My view is children have to be allowed to make their own mistakes. If it were my DD (or DS, but I have a DD rather than a DS) I'd let her go.

jacks365 · 11/07/2013 00:04

Cardibach if you read the thread and the additional comments the op has added you will see that hanging around at the park is what is being talked about.

Sometimes its hard to word things right and using bother was not to imply that you are lazy simply a word to state that all the parents I know do talk to each other.

BOF · 10/07/2013 23:56

I agree with MamaTJ and others- you have to meet the parents at drop off, or speak to them beforehand on the phone if they are going to be out (I'd be ok with that if they were home before 11, say, to mop up any disasters).

MammaTJ · 10/07/2013 23:47

If you won't be meeting the parents, then in my book, it won't be happening. I agree that at 14, he is of an age to start getting a bit more freedom, but that comes with trust and trust is earned by communication and agreeing to terms and conditions and sticking to them.

Meeting the parents would most certainly be one of the conditions of this one.

going to to a nethuns thing to show my credentials

StM to a now 28 year old, who I helped bring up from age 9, Mum to an 18 year old, as well as my teo youngest.

cardibach · 10/07/2013 22:46

jacks you are doing it again. Using the word 'bother' so suggesting it is about laziness/lack of care. I've explained why it isn't. usual I'm glad you are agreeing with me as I thought I might have gone mad/strayed into an alternative universe.
And hanging about in a park drinking isn't what we were asked about..,

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StuntGirl · 10/07/2013 22:38

My mother didn't know my friend's parents either. But if I was spending the night at their house she sure as hell got their details and spoke to them first. And we all had pagers and mobiles so could be contacted or contact her too.

usualsuspect · 10/07/2013 22:14

When my DCs went to secondary school I didn't know any of their friends parents. I would have thought most teenagers would have their own phones so wouldn't get parents contact numbers tbh.

Turniptwirl · 10/07/2013 22:12

And I like the idea of a secret word he can text you and you can call or come pick him up on some pretext if he's uncomfortable with what's happening

A friends teenager doesn't like hanging around at the spot all her friends go to so she tells them she's not allowed and makes suitable roll eyes teenage angst faces

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