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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my daughter?

177 replies

Regbooboo · 07/02/2013 00:27

DD has a very heavy cold and is feeling rough. Grandson aged 9 months is also poorly with a cold. DD expects me to go to hers and look after the baby while she is feeling crook and I would be happy to do this but a I have a dog who isn't used to being on his own for long periods.

My DD lives approx a 1.5 hours journey from me ( by train and bus). I would need to leave home at 8 to get there for 9.30 and leave again at 1 to get home for 2.30 leaving the dog for 6.5 hours. My son-in-law gets home around 5. I asked why he couldn't have a few days from work but she said he wouldn't get paid if he rang in sick and only has 20 days holiday per year.

She was being quite arsey on the phone and said I put the dog before her and GS. I am really not I love them both to bits. I said if she could manage to drive over she could go to bed here and I would care for DS but she said she felt too ill. She out the phone down on me without saying love you like always and I feel really bad. AIBU and should I just leave the dog? My husband would be mad if I left the dog (he and my daughter don't get on - he's her stepdad) and I do realise I am pathetic.

OP posts:
Nagoo · 07/02/2013 00:30

It's not your job to look after him.

Yes she feels shit, but that's not your fault.

1.5 hours by train and bus is a big ask regardless of the dog.

You aren't pathetic. She's upset because she feels ill but she is not being fair.

LoonyRationalist · 07/02/2013 00:33

I agree with Nagoo, yanbu.

MsMarple · 07/02/2013 00:36

Not sure if this is a stupid question or not... but couldn't you just take the dog with you??

And YANBU anyway, she is asking a BIG favour.

missingmumxox · 07/02/2013 00:39

no yanbu, I don't have parents both dead before children, in laws 8 hours drive away, i have to suffer on and get on with it I have DT and it is not easy, it would be great if you could help but you do live a long way away.
if you lived 5 mins up the road I would have sympathy with your daughter, as in dog over Gc but even so I would still say she is unreasonable,
Dad should take unpaid leave or annual leave the pathetic "he only has 20 days" is stupid I have the same I keep 5 n hand for child care emergancies evry year and take them the last week in March if not used...remember bank holidays are extra to holiday, so that still 3 total weeks off for family time in the year, he needs to get organised.

BlackholesAndRevelations · 07/02/2013 00:40

She's got a cold. She'll be ok. YANBU but she is for making you feel guilty.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 07/02/2013 00:40

YANBU at all, we have all been ill and wanted to go back to bed for a few hours but when you have a child and no family nearby you just have to get on with it.

If its just a cold I'm sure she can have a couple of PJ days, chuck cbeebies on the TV, microwave some soup for lunch and get her DH to cook and do a bit of housework when he gets in from work.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/02/2013 00:41

A three hour round trip is a big ask, especially for "a heavy cold". I might do it for D&V, but even the heaviest cold I have ever experienced would not make me ask someone to put themselves out to that extent.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 07/02/2013 00:42

You can do whichever you want, but you sound like you're torn between pleasing other people. Can't your husband look after the dog, if you actually want to go? You're not saying that you're not allowed out of the house for a 6 hour period during the day, as a once-off, because your husband would be angry?

catladycourtney1 · 07/02/2013 00:45

If you lived round the corner then it would be different but if she expects you to get buses and trains there and back then YADNBU to say no. Also, don't think the dog thing is a poor excuse - if they're not used to being left alone, you never know what sort of mess you're going to come home to! I could understand if she was seriously ill or disabled but having a cold is not a good enough reason to make you feel so guilty. If it's that bad, she should insist her DH stays at home for a couple of days.

StuntGirl · 07/02/2013 00:51

YANBU to not go because it's not convenient to you, but YWBU if your husband's reaction is playing any part in your decision. He chose to marry a woman with children (adult or not), he has to deal with what that entails.

DizzyZebra · 07/02/2013 01:09

YANBU. She is being pathetic TBH and needs to grow up.
If you lived round the corner and she weren't being arsey then i would say maybe YWBU not to pop round for an hour or two. But a 3 hour round trip is a lot for a bit of a feckin sniffle.

Ponderingonaquandry · 07/02/2013 01:26

Yanbu she needs reminding its a cold and nothing more.

I'd be pissed off if I'd raised such a selfish individual tbh

ihearsounds · 07/02/2013 01:27

Tell her to stop being so pathetic. Its just a cold ffs. Its not flu, d&v or anything else. We all have colds, and we all suck it up and make do of a bad situation. Chances are the drama llama will br fine tomorow and you would have wasted your time making such a long travel.

detoxlatte · 07/02/2013 01:30

YANBU. It is rubbish being ill and having to look after a child, but that's what you sign up for when you have one. She's being a bit childish herself, if you ask me. And no way are you being pathetic - pot and kettle, perhaps....

piprabbit · 07/02/2013 01:40

Does the dog stop you from doing other things you would like to do?
Is it your dog or your DH's dog?

Dottiespots · 07/02/2013 02:18

Well everyone has already said my thoughts on this. I had no parents when bringing up my children, no inlaws and no close friends nearby and when i had a flu and couldnt really get out of bed I still got up, dosed up on painkillers and gave my kids breakfast and took them to school then spent the day on the sofa until it was time to pick them up. Fed them then back to the sofa. My husband works for the emergency services so he could not take time off either. So flu, colds or whatever you just get on with it dont you. Your lovely daughter is behaving like a spoilt child here making you feel guilty but to be honest, you have been a parent and done it all yourself havnt you. So now its her turn.

k2togm1 · 07/02/2013 02:38

Yabu. That journey is a normal commute in many places, take the dog or leave him for a while/ ask your husband to look after him (and check that anger about you leaving the dog).
Your dd needs you and you could be able to help if you so wish, what a gift!

differentnameforthis · 07/02/2013 02:51

I always think it is rather odd when pets can't be left. My dog is fine on his own for several hours in the garden if we need to do anything. He gets a long walk before we go out, plenty of water, food & stuff to play with. A kennel, pillow & blanket for his comfort. He is DH's dog really, but being home I am the one who "leaves" him to his own devices when I plan stuff. I would slap dh if he even thought of getting mad at me for leaving him for a while. I am not a bloody dog sitter!

FWIW I can remember having a little baby & feeling rough. If someone could have come to take my little one while I rested/slept I would be over the moon. People here say "oh she has a cold, she'll be right" but they don't know how bad that cold is, how good/bad a sleeper the baby is, how much the baby cries/is clingy etc during the day. Perhaps your daughter isn't sleeping well & with the cold she just feels spent! Has little/no energy to do much for herself. I can understand what is is like to want your mum & her not wanting (not saying that you are not wanting)/not being able to come home. I feel for her, and I think she is being bashed unfairly here. She wants her mum to help her & make her feel better. Sad So I can see why she thinks the dog is more important.

I think if you can offer some help, and you want to, you should. Sod the dog, sod your dh (I don't care that they don't get on, she hasn't HIM to go up there). You do sound like you want to go, to be honest. But you sound more bothered by what your dh will say/do if you leave the dog. That is pathetic, sorry! You are a grown woman. Stand up to him.

If you don't want to go & help her, well that's another matter.

MrsHoarder · 07/02/2013 02:56

Yanbu its your call to make a top whether or not you want to help her. It would be lovely to do so, but sibu by demanding you help her. Her ds is her (and her dp's) responsibility.

Buy if it is just that your dh would give you a hard time you might want to think about why that bothers you.

Morloth · 07/02/2013 03:06

Dogs can be left, I can't really get my head around dog people though.

Your DH sounds like a twonk.

Your daughter is sick and could use her Mum's help. Honestly? My Mum (as would my MIL). I would go for one of my children.

It is just a dog. So it might get a bit bored and lonely for a couple of days. Who cares?

Morloth · 07/02/2013 03:06

That should read 'My Mum would come (as would my MIL)'.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 07/02/2013 03:12

Yes, that's what I think, differentname and Morloth. My other post was focusing on the "I can't possibly leave my dog for 6.5 hours on a special occasion as my DH hates my daughter" bit. But really 9 months is a tough age for this stuff. You can't plonk them in front of the TV, they don't nap that much anymore, if the baby has a cold it tends to want lots of cuddling and walking the floor and soothing (at least mine did! it was a nightmare trying to care for DD2 at that age without leaving DD1 to fend entirely for herself). And the OP's daughter has a "rough cold", not "a bit of a sniffle".

Are people really saying that it's selfish and lazy to want your Mum when you're feeling really sick and in sole charge of a baby?

"Spoilt child"
"Drama lama"
"Selfish individual"
"Pathetic, arsey, needs to grow up, just a fecking sniffle"

Would you lot even listen to yourselves? How awful you all are.

differentnameforthis · 07/02/2013 03:13

she hasn't asked HIM to go up there

Morloth · 07/02/2013 03:19

I can't imagine how I would feel if I called my Mum for help (even for something not very serious, but just to give me a hand) and she responded with 'I can't leave the dog'. I can't imagine it because it just wouldn't happen.

You don't have to go, obviously you don't. But she was not unreasonable to ask, you are her Mum and she is unwell.

Just because people can manage on their own if they have to, doesn't mean they should if they have family who can help them out.

catladycourtney1 · 07/02/2013 03:24

If it's a new dog or a dog that has literally never been left alone for a long time, though, they can be a bit unpredictable. If they need the toilet and they don't know when they can expect to be let out again, you'll end up with a mess to clean up, and some dogs can be go a bit mental and knock things over and basically trash your house if they start to panic that you're not coming back. Obviously, when you get a dog, you should get it accustomed to being left alone for reasonable periods of time to avoid these things when you do need to go out, but if OP hasn't done that then obviously it's a bit late now.

If OP is only reluctant to leave the dog because she's worried about what her husband might have to say about it, however, then that's another story. He can't expect you to never leave the house, and he definitely can't expect you to choose dog-sitting over taking care of your daughter and grandchild, however badly they get on.

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