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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my daughter?

177 replies

Regbooboo · 07/02/2013 00:27

DD has a very heavy cold and is feeling rough. Grandson aged 9 months is also poorly with a cold. DD expects me to go to hers and look after the baby while she is feeling crook and I would be happy to do this but a I have a dog who isn't used to being on his own for long periods.

My DD lives approx a 1.5 hours journey from me ( by train and bus). I would need to leave home at 8 to get there for 9.30 and leave again at 1 to get home for 2.30 leaving the dog for 6.5 hours. My son-in-law gets home around 5. I asked why he couldn't have a few days from work but she said he wouldn't get paid if he rang in sick and only has 20 days holiday per year.

She was being quite arsey on the phone and said I put the dog before her and GS. I am really not I love them both to bits. I said if she could manage to drive over she could go to bed here and I would care for DS but she said she felt too ill. She out the phone down on me without saying love you like always and I feel really bad. AIBU and should I just leave the dog? My husband would be mad if I left the dog (he and my daughter don't get on - he's her stepdad) and I do realise I am pathetic.

OP posts:
pictish · 07/02/2013 10:02

I would say that in this situation, I would go and help out, and take the dog along too.
If my daughter said 'you can't bring the dog' I'd say 'then I cannot help'.
If the dd wants a favour, then she should be prepared to compromise. It is true that it is bad patter to leave a dog alone for so long. They are not people, they are pack animals and they do not like it. It disturbs them.

As I said though, I think the real issue is that the OP is worried about her dh's reaction.

RivalSibling · 07/02/2013 10:05

I would be upset if I was your daughter because:

  • she doesn't get on with stepdad and stepdad would express this by getting annoyed at mum helping out. Presumably this is not the only time.
  • mum doesn't stand up to stepdad (presumably to keep the peace in their house). Also probably not the first time.
  • her husband won't or can't take time off when she needs help.

No you have no obligation to help and I sympathise about the dog as I wouldn't want a dog left alone for that long either.

But she is feeling low and must feel like no-one gives a shit.

Is there any other help you could offer to give her a boost?

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 07/02/2013 10:08

Where's the OP gone? Please come back and answer some of the questions!

If I phoned Mum and asked for help she'd be here like a shot. 3 hour drive each way. She'd bring her 2 mad dogs and they would play in the garden/be shut in the kitchen if they were bugging us.

Posters who struggle on with pneumonia, while I am sorry you are so ill without support, in lots of families the support comes automatically. It doesn't mean the daughter is necessarily being unreasonable or pathetic. It's just the way their family works. I

TomDudgeon · 07/02/2013 10:10

We don't know enough

Maybe op was allowed to get the dog on the condition that she made sure it didn't trash the house
It may be perfectly reasonable that he would get so pissed off

Ops daughter seems to have form. Maybe he and the daughter don't get on because she's a brat and he hates seeing her treat her mum badly

We don't know but the above could be as true as some one of the other assumptions made in this thread

wonderingsoul · 07/02/2013 10:12

Thing is we don't know what her ddi is like..if she's easy to over dramatist thingsor not.

For me I would have to be pretty bad to actually ask for help. But my patents are close by and tend to know when to step in and do a school run have us over etc.

Byte I know people who have a cold and raw at the doctors every day with a cold or make out things are worse than they are.

pictish · 07/02/2013 10:13

I think it's a reasonable request. I'm going to judge her by my own standards and say my mum helped out when I was ill on the odd occasion, and my mil has too. On those occasions I really did feel dreadful. I think the dd is probably feeling pretty fucked. Unless there's form for it, I doubt she would ask unless she felt it was warranted. I wouldn't, so that's what I'm going to assume for now.
No-one ever helped me out with a sniffle of course, but a bad cold can lay you out. Some of them are evil.

pictish · 07/02/2013 10:14

I'm totally working on assumptions just now Tom. Wish the OP would come back and fill us in.

TomArchersSausage · 07/02/2013 10:14

I would go and help her and agree with others who have said similar. No way would a dog be the reason for not going to my dd and gc. They would absoultely come first.

I was similary ill once; pregnant with just horrendous 'morning' sickness and dd1 was a toddler. My parents took her for me, they were happy to do so, and I was beyond thankful to them. It's what families do. Well mine does..

pictish · 07/02/2013 10:15

But if you can't take the dog, for whatever reason, what do you then do?

Paiviaso · 07/02/2013 10:17

YANBU

I think its ridiculous she would expect you travel 3h in one day in order to care for them when they have colds, even if you were free.

On top of that, you have your own commitments (the dog) and cannot drop everything to rush to her bedside.

TomArchersSausage · 07/02/2013 10:18

Well if there was absolutely no-one to look out for the dog I'd put him in a kennels for a couple of days.

Dahlen · 07/02/2013 10:18

I wouldn't dream of asking someone to travel 1.5 hours each way on public transport just because I had a cold! It's a cold. Not flu. If I had proper flu or D&V, then yes I'd ask but I'm not so selfish as to think that the world revolved around me and my sniffles. Hmm

And my first port of call would be my DH in this scenario. If the DH doesn't want to use one of leave days to care for his sick wife, I'd say the OP's DD is directing her anger at the wrong person.

pictish · 07/02/2013 10:21

mmm...I think there are a lot of conflicting viewpoints on this one.

HecateWhoopass · 07/02/2013 10:25

nor would I, Dahlen. Which is why I would think that the daughter is feeling really really REALLY shit. It's a big thing to ask your mum to do a 3 hour round trip to come and help you and something that someone would only do if they were feeling so bad that they honestly couldn't cope.

Of course, this rather relies on them being a reasonable person. So if my assumption that they are is incorrect, then yes, it could be a sniffle. In which case she needs to just get on with it.

TomArchersSausage · 07/02/2013 10:29

The dynamic in my family though is that if you've asked it must be pretty bad and all stops would be pulled out to help no matter what the inconvenience.

My parents with me (and me with my own dc) have always promoted the keep going/ try to help yourself approach but there are times when that's not going to work so asking for help is just fine.

If it was for every little thing I'd be Hmm. I guess every family is different in where that line is drawn.

merrymouse · 07/02/2013 10:32

Agree with Dallas and tabular. Obviously in an emergency you leave the dog and take the consequences. However, a heavy cold isn't an emergency.

A better solution would be for husband to drop baby at grandmas before work - maybe this could be done tomorrow?

LtEveDallas · 07/02/2013 10:35

Wish the OP would come back and fill us in

Unfortunately Pictich, it seems OP has form for posting and running. I can't see any thread where she has actually returned. She posts a moral/midly contentious OP and doesn't come back to it.

This one has all the right ingredients...

PandaOnAPushBike · 07/02/2013 10:37

I think that the character of the dog makes a huge difference. My dog can be left for hours upon hours with no problem. He just sleeps and if he needs the toilet, my husband has trained him to go on the tiled floor in the bathroom (I've no idea how he did this Confused). But I frequently look after my neighbours dog as she can't be left for more than a couple of hours. She gets distressed and then wrecks the place. There is no way I'd trust her alone in my home.

That said, when I have Destructor-Dog and I've needed to go to my daughter's (she live about 1.5 hours away) I take the dog with me, which means Panda-Dog gets to go too.

SirBoobAlot · 07/02/2013 10:41

Think there is more to this than your DD is poorly. Your H would go bad if you left the dog, or if you went to see your daughter? Either way, rather concerning.

I've traveled 1.5hrs before with my DS to help a friend who was poorly. So I don't think the distance is a big deal. If her P isn't willing / able to take time off work, she's felt like she can't cope, and so has called you, can understand her being upset when you put the dog before her. I would feel the same.

pictish · 07/02/2013 10:41

LtEve how meh.
Tsk.

diddl · 07/02/2013 10:49

Well I´m not sure if it´s putting the dog first, putting the husband´s wishes first/being frightened of the husband or just not wanting to do it & making up an excuse tbh.

I´m also not sure why the OP should have ill daughter & GC in her house either!

And might I suggest dog starts to get left to get used to it?

Otherwise OP-how do you ever go anywhere with your husband?

differentnameforthis · 07/02/2013 13:50

If my mum left her dog alone for that long her house would be a wreck, she takes the dog with her or doesn't go If my dog was likely to destroy my house when I left it, I would not be staying at home to make sure it didn't happen! The dog would be in the garden/crate/kennel!

Bloody hell, letting an animal's behaviour dictate your life!

LtEveDallas · 07/02/2013 14:04

The dog would be in the garden/crate/kennel

What, for 6 hours? Hope you haven't got a dog in that case.

maddening · 07/02/2013 14:15

Yanbu if the scale of the journey is the problem and she isn't that ill.

I'd be cheesed off with a dog used as an excuse.

If she is v ill - eg d&v, bad pain or flu then ywbu not to go if you have the time free.

Anyway - treat her as you want to be treated imo

Original poster
Regbooboo · 07/02/2013 14:16

Thanks for all your replies. My DD wouldn't let the dog into her house and even if she would the dog is not used to public transport and sometimes we have been refused getting on the bus (driver's discretion). OH didn't want a dog initially but I kept on and we bought a small flat with a garden and I gave up work. He loves the dog and I think its his substitute for children (he has never wanted them). He has been really good in the past (took my Mum in when she was suffering from Alzheimers) and she lived with us for 5 years and believe you me it wasn't easy. Mum has now gone into residential care. I think he would like it to be just me and him and I try to juggle the underlying issues between OH and DD. I know he resents her as she can be difficult (I have to take the clocks down when she comes as she cant bear the ticking noise) and she she can be very bossy but I have got used to brushing it off but it really annoys him when she has a go at me. He says why should he take time from work when DD's OH wont. So I suppose its not all about the dog. The dog has never been left for more than 3 hours and I realise that this is a mistake I have made but when Mum was here I couldn't leave her for long either so it wasn't an issue. I just wish we could all get on. He can be very moody if he doesn't get his own way (as does my DD) and I'm stuck in the middle trying to appease both. So, yes, I suppose I am being unreasonable not to go - I'll get it in the neck whatever I do. I am a pathetic wimp.

OP posts:
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