Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my daughter?

177 replies

Regbooboo · 07/02/2013 00:27

DD has a very heavy cold and is feeling rough. Grandson aged 9 months is also poorly with a cold. DD expects me to go to hers and look after the baby while she is feeling crook and I would be happy to do this but a I have a dog who isn't used to being on his own for long periods.

My DD lives approx a 1.5 hours journey from me ( by train and bus). I would need to leave home at 8 to get there for 9.30 and leave again at 1 to get home for 2.30 leaving the dog for 6.5 hours. My son-in-law gets home around 5. I asked why he couldn't have a few days from work but she said he wouldn't get paid if he rang in sick and only has 20 days holiday per year.

She was being quite arsey on the phone and said I put the dog before her and GS. I am really not I love them both to bits. I said if she could manage to drive over she could go to bed here and I would care for DS but she said she felt too ill. She out the phone down on me without saying love you like always and I feel really bad. AIBU and should I just leave the dog? My husband would be mad if I left the dog (he and my daughter don't get on - he's her stepdad) and I do realise I am pathetic.

OP posts:
LemonBreeland · 07/02/2013 14:22

Your DD should have got over herself and not even asked in the first place.

Last weekend I was ill in bed, more than a cold and I looked after my 3DC as my DH works in his own business and can't just close to come home. My Mum lives 2 hours away and no way would I call her to come and help.

Your DD should never have asked but as she did she IBU for being arsey at you saying no. She is a parent now and it is hard work but you just get on with it.

merrymouse · 07/02/2013 14:26

If you'll get it in the neck whatever you do - no problem! Now it's equal either way and you get the deciding vote based on what YOU think you should do.

MikeOxardAndWellard · 07/02/2013 14:27

So it's your dh you are putting ahead of your sick daughter and dgc, not the dog, super, I'm sure she'll feel much better once you explain that...

thefarmersintheden · 07/02/2013 14:29

I think your daughter is BU.

Parenting is not all plain sailing and she will live through a cold. Plenty of people go to work with one!

Re: the dog, we have one and we arrange for a dog walker to come in in the middle of the day if we have to leave her, or he does day boarding from home which we've done once on a long day trip. It's helpful to have someone in place for these occasional things - we don't have any regular agreement with the guy we use, it's all ad hoc and works very well.

Doubt I'd shell out for him to help someone with just a cold though!

LtEveDallas · 07/02/2013 14:29

The dog has never been left for more than 3 hours and I realise that this is a mistake I have made

Not a mistake, you are a good dog owner, someone who cares about her pet and is treating it correctly.

He says why should he take time from work when DD's OH wont

He has a point. Why should he indeed?

it really annoys him when she has a go at me

I get wound up when DSD shouts at my DH, and she's only a teenager. I don't blame him for being annoyed.

So, yes, I suppose I am being unreasonable not to go

FWIW I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

(Oh and thanks for coming back, I didn't think you would, and said so up thread. For that I apologise Smile)

AgentZigzag · 07/02/2013 14:38

You're not a pathetic wimp, you've said yourself you're stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Ignore both of them and take the dog out for a walk is my advice Smile

skullcandy · 07/02/2013 14:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzag · 07/02/2013 14:39

But what LtEve says makes more sense Smile

catladycourtney1 · 07/02/2013 14:40

I can understand why your dh is unwilling to take time off work when your son in law won't. After all, even if he did, you'd still have to travel for three hours - your daughter's husband (I assume) lives with her, and probably knows more about caring for his son and his individual preferences and little tricks for getting him to sleep, etc, than you would. Of course it would be a pain for them if he only has a small amount of leave or his boss isn't very understanding, but these things happen sometimes. Like I said earlier, if you lived across the road then I'd say do it, but three hours on public transport is a lot to ask when she could just insist her husband stays at home for a day or two.

scaredbutexcited · 07/02/2013 14:42

YANBU at all. She can ask you but you can say now and then she IBU for being arsey.

It is a 3 hour round trip for you regardless of the dog. You can still love her while expecting her and her DH to take responsibility for their own family.

It does not sound life or death in any case, just a bit tough for her.

I agree with Agent - take the dog for a walk!

badguider · 07/02/2013 14:43

I love my mum dearly and she would do anything for me but when it comes to caring for my child, the FIRST person who should step up is my husband who is father of my child and equal parent to me.

kerala · 07/02/2013 14:46

It is alot to ask but as a non dog person the dog reason leaves me baffled if an adult DC needed me I would go. That said its rather unfair of your daughter to ask you to go so far if its just a cold and her DH could do it I would only ask for help if in extremis and properly ill - not a cold.

I got flu - real flu - the week after DH did. He had already had nearly 2 weeks off work so couldnt take time off to help with DD (then 9 months). I literally couldnt look after her and my parents were backpacking round India Grin and didnt feel I could ask friends. In the end I rang my aunt my lovely uncle drove 1.5 hours picked us up and took DD and I back to their house in the country for a week. Thank god!

diddl · 07/02/2013 14:50

No you are not pathetic-sounds as if you are trying to juggle two adults who both think that they should always come first to you.

You have a child & your husband needs to understand that she is important & you will want to see her/be in contact -and your GC, of course!

It will never really be just you & him!

And although you will want/be able to help out at times, your daughter needs to realise that you will not always jump when she clicks her fingers now that she´s an adult.

Perhaps you need to stand your ground a little more-with both of them!

As for the clocks-does it make her ill?

If not-stop pandering!!

Lafaminute · 07/02/2013 15:04

My mother is the same distance from me - I've just been really sick and have two small children. I did not ask my mother to come and help as I wouldn't dream of imposing on her like that. She DOES come and help out sometimes but neither she nor I think that she should be obliged to look after me or my children - and she loves us all very, very much - of that I am sure and she wouldn't like to leave her dog either! Your dd was probably grumpy because she feels horrible - don't be manipulated by that.

Helpyourself · 07/02/2013 15:07

OP. you're getting a flaming and I'm not sure why. The dog notwithstanding asking someone else to make a 3 hour journey for a cold!
Hmm

hellsbellsmelons · 07/02/2013 15:33

OMG - if I 'had a go at my mum' she would probably slap me one.
But... I would never ever even think about having a go at her.
She should be respecting you and not having a go. You need to make sure you don't accept that behaviour in the future. I am quite old though!!
I can remember having flu a few years ago when DD was about 3 and there was no way I could have looked after all day.
I had to drive her to the childminders for the day. I was in absolute agony. To even press down on the clutch was torture and I cried all the way there and back. Is she really that ill? Could she really not drive around to you and have you look after them at yours?
If it's a risk her driving then obviously not.
YANBU by the way - 3 hours travelling on public transport - No thank you!!!
If she was that ill her OH would be home with her, simple as that!

StinkyWicket · 07/02/2013 15:39

She is being pathetic. She's a grown woman with a child and a partner and has had a strop because her mum won't come and look after her?! I admit I had assumed before your second post she was a single parent.

YASNBU. If she has a cold she should grow up and look after her child like everyone else does. If she is too ill to look after him, her partner should come home.

ewaczarlie · 07/02/2013 15:44

if the reason you cant go is the dog or DH then YABU. If its because its too much for you (journey times, looking after child all day etc) then thats your call.
I cant comment more than this because everyones family dynamics are different and should be respected- some people cant/dont rely on their family for anything (like my DH), others would travel for 6hrs each way just to make someone a meal if they needed it (my family)
But i would get very upset it my mum said that she cant come to help me because of a dog

DizzyZebra · 07/02/2013 15:51

I don't understand why she isn't allowed her own life tbh. If the daughter was seriously I'll then yes, but why does she have to keep her schedule clear in case her 'adult' daughter gets a cold?

DizzyZebra · 07/02/2013 15:52

Ill not I'll damned autocorrect.

usualsuspect · 07/02/2013 15:58

I would help my DD out, no question.

sod the dog.

AdoraBell · 07/02/2013 16:33

I've only just seem this thread,

OP YANBU and I don't think your OH is either. Okay, resenting your DD isn't good, but he shouldn't be expected to bend over backwards either.

I know it's tough dealing with DCs when you have a cold, I also know it ain't the end of the worldWink. You are not pathetic at all, don't let anyone make you feel that way. Re the dog, I'm sure plenty of people would say YWBU to leave it all day long just to look after an able bodied adult with a cold, and another adult in the home.

Wouldn't dream of asking anyone to travel the distance you have been asked to travel for anything other than a geniune medical emergency, unless I was inviting them -with- dog for the weekend. Neither would I rearrange my fixtures and fittings for visitors. There is such a thing as being a good guest, as well as good host.

MusicalEndorphins · 07/02/2013 16:55

No, don't feel guilty. You don't live close to your daughter, and she does only has a cold.

If you do want to go to her, can you stay over for a night, so as not to have to do the traveling twice a day?

NopeStillNothing · 07/02/2013 17:18

I don't really think yabu. My Mum would do it for me and i'd do it for my children but nobody would expect it or be angry if we couldn't for whatever reason.

GoingBackToSchool · 07/02/2013 17:23

Isn't it a statutory requirement that people have 28 days leave a year? Not necessarily relevant as YANBU about not going to look after them, but maybe your DD's partner should mention it at work.