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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask your opinion? Re Children and seating.

296 replies

MeganScarlett · 12/01/2013 20:29

My mum lives by herself in a smallish flat, and for her birthday always has the family over for tea and cake. My mum has four children and each of them has between 2-3 children and now some of them have their own children. So although we're not a large family it can get quite crowded when everyone is there.

The tea and cakes is always served in the dining room which is where all the adults sit and the younger children usually play in the living room. The youngest are between 4-9.

My niece and nephew were sat at the dining room table, they are both aged 17 and 15 and were the first to arrive with my sister. When others started arriving it was made clear by some that they should give up their seats for the adults and be made to sit in the living room with the younger children. I'm in my early 20s and made to feel sometimes that I am not adult enough to be sat with the older adults.

Should they have given up their seats for the older adults?

I'm really of the opinion that they shouldn't have, but others in the family would clearly disagree.

OP posts:
VikingVagine · 12/01/2013 20:31

I was always taught to respect you elders, end of.

ZooAnimals · 12/01/2013 20:32

YANBU, no they shouldn't have given up their seats for other able-bodied adults. If one of the adults has difficulty standing or is heavily pregnant or something then they should have offered up their seat, just as you would on a bus.

DamnBamboo · 12/01/2013 20:33

They should give up their seat if somebody else needed the seat. For example an elderly gran, parent with a baby/toddler for feeding, etc..

I don't think they should just have to give up their seats because they're younger, no.

Original poster
MeganScarlett · 12/01/2013 20:34

Sorry I should have pointed out in the OP -

None of the adults that arrived later were pregnant or had difficulty standing.

There was seating in the living room but it's just the done thing in our family that the adults sit in the dining room.

The children will play and use the table in the living for colouring etc

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 12/01/2013 20:34

Respect your elders is a pile of shit.

Be courteous to others make more sense. Respecting somebody just because they're older is ridiculous

MammaTJ · 12/01/2013 20:35

Families move on, people grow up. At 17 and 15 they should be allowed to stay with the adults but not take seats at the expense of adults who may need a seat. YANBU!!

wannabedomesticgoddess · 12/01/2013 20:35

Children should respect their elders.

However, they shouldnt have been made to sit in another room. I have spent many a night on the floor of relatives houses.

DamnBamboo · 12/01/2013 20:35

17 and 15 whilst still children, is a bit too old to be made to go to the 'kids' section

NoCoolUsername · 12/01/2013 20:35

Yes, even at 28 I would still give my seat up for an aunt or uncle or my nan etc.

ilovepowerhoop · 12/01/2013 20:36

they are probably at the age where they would prefer to mix with the adults rather than the younger children. They should give up the seat for someone who needed it and not just because they were younger.

Mayisout · 12/01/2013 20:36

IMe Mum would want to see her own DCs on her bday, not have them sit in another room with the wee ones. So teenagers can go in with wee ones.

However it depends a bit on who lives near who and whether Granny/DM sees which of the family and how often. She would surely want to see the ones she doesn't see often.

DamnBamboo · 12/01/2013 20:37

One definition of respect - A feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.

Being older than somebody else does not warrant automatic respect and I make sure my kids know that. Having said that, they are polite and courteous at all times to everybody. This is different.

BertieBotts · 12/01/2013 20:42

I agree with DamnBamboo and I think it's horrible that people think that older teenagers who are probably more likely to want to join in the adults' conversation than the childrens' playing, should "not take seats at the expense of adults who needed a seat" - like they're not real people and they don't deserve a seat?

Of course if said adult is elderly or infirm or needs the seat more for other reasons then fair enough but it doesn't have to be the teenagers who stand up - everybody in the room who needs the seat less is equally responsible for giving up a seat for someone who needs one more.

ZooAnimals · 12/01/2013 20:44

It's a badly planned event where there are not seats for everybody tbh, why don't you all go out to a pub/restaurant/cafe next time?

Original poster
MeganScarlett · 12/01/2013 20:44

Sorry I am so drip feeding -

Wish I could just edit my first post haha.

We all in the same city and the further lives about a 20minute drive away so the effort is made by most of us to see our mum at least once a week anyway.

All the adults that came later are aged between 30-45.

No one would be left standing as there is seating in the living room, so they were suppose to move purely because they are younger.

OP posts:
Original poster
MeganScarlett · 12/01/2013 20:47

Oh no ZooAnimals my mum loves being a hostess and baking all the cakes from scratch etc and looking after her family. It's always been that way haha.

There is enough seats for everyone, just not all in the same room.

OP posts:
Doilooklikeatourist · 12/01/2013 20:52

Well my children are 17 & 15 , and if at a family gathering I would expect and tell them to make a seat available if one of my sisters had to stand
I would expect my nephew to offer me his seat in the same circumstances
I am 52 , not exactly infirm , it's only polite and courteous for young people to think of others older than themselves

Original poster
MeganScarlett · 12/01/2013 20:57

Really Doi ?

No-one would have been left standing, they would just have to sit in the adjourning room.

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 12/01/2013 20:58

Nobody has to stand Doi there were enough seats. It's about where people were sitting.

DamnBamboo · 12/01/2013 21:00

If my 15 year old was in a room, engaging in conversation with others in the room, I would not expect him to get up just to give up his seat if another person (older, younger, whatever) came in, if other seats were available nearby.

Why the hell should they?

confusteling · 12/01/2013 21:04

They WBU, 17 is too old to have to sit with children; but they should have offered to move and sit on the floor just out of politeness, I do this for anyone whether they look able bodied or not. I sit on the floor at my GPs if there's not enough seats.

At 15 I was told I was too young to sit with adults and I was told to sit with my at the time all under 10 cousins in a separate room with a character plate and cup. I was affronted. 6 months later I - perhaps stupidly - slept over at the same house. I was told to go to bed at the same time as 7 year old cousin, DUncle told me when to shower (twice daily, before bed and as soon as waking up) and DAunty came through to the bedroom to wake me up at 7am. I was again fed separately to my cousins.. DGrandma still does the same (I am 22) - she still insists on "tucking me in" and waking me up in the morning (at 7am)...

Unsurprisingly I very rarely visit those relatives!!

crashdoll · 12/01/2013 21:06

My dad bleats on about respect all the time. I'm 24 and have a disability that makes standing difficult and painful. I'm still expected to stand for an older able bodied adult. It's seriously fucked up. I hate the whole 'respect your elders' thing. You should respect everyone. I don't think a teenager should have to move for an able bodied adult aged no older than 45!

charlottie87 · 12/01/2013 21:08

But confustelling the OP said the room was the dining room, so I'm assuming theres a large table there with people sat around it.

You would really sit on the floor in that situation?? Where you would be hidden from the majority of people.

DamnBamboo · 12/01/2013 21:08

That is shocking of your dad crash and even more shocking that somebody would actually take your seat when offered if they are able bodied.

HollyBerryBush · 12/01/2013 21:41

They get seated where the host puts them - thats the best use of manners.

Children should know their place in the great scheme of things. I would be mightly pissed off and think I had failed miserably as a parent if any of my boys (17,16,12) didnt stand up and give a seat to an adult.