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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask your opinion? Re Children and seating.

296 replies

MeganScarlett · 12/01/2013 20:29

My mum lives by herself in a smallish flat, and for her birthday always has the family over for tea and cake. My mum has four children and each of them has between 2-3 children and now some of them have their own children. So although we're not a large family it can get quite crowded when everyone is there.

The tea and cakes is always served in the dining room which is where all the adults sit and the younger children usually play in the living room. The youngest are between 4-9.

My niece and nephew were sat at the dining room table, they are both aged 17 and 15 and were the first to arrive with my sister. When others started arriving it was made clear by some that they should give up their seats for the adults and be made to sit in the living room with the younger children. I'm in my early 20s and made to feel sometimes that I am not adult enough to be sat with the older adults.

Should they have given up their seats for the older adults?

I'm really of the opinion that they shouldn't have, but others in the family would clearly disagree.

OP posts:
whiteconverse · 13/01/2013 00:07

No wonder theres a need for ASBOs.

Hmm

Yeah. Yesterday a 30 year old woman got on the bus and 17 year old boy didn't offer her his seat. He definitely deserves an ASBO.

MidniteScribbler · 13/01/2013 00:08

Ah, ok, I was trying to work out who has seating for 34 people??!

Actually, I do, can do a full sit down meal for 50 here on my back deck. But that's because I do the big family christmas every couple of years. Everyone has a seat, and no assigned seating. People generally start in one seat, and move around during the courses so they get to talk to everyone. Mobile phones and game systems banned, except when being used as a camera. Children and adults expected to converse with each other, not electronic devices. First person to pick up their phone and check messages or facebook has to do the washing up. Kids (and big kids) generally end up in the pool after lunch, and everyone takes their chairs and sits around the pool to supervise and to continue the conversations. All very simple.

If you're regularly hosting gatherings for more people than you have chairs, then it's time to buy some more chairs.

DamnBamboo · 13/01/2013 00:08

You're going off topic TSC

The giving up of seats to elderly relatives has been discussed in depth, not one person on here, irrespective of their opinion on the OPs situation, has said differently.

My children would also give up their seat to an elderly relative, that is not really where the disagreement comes in here though is it.

whiteconverse · 13/01/2013 00:09

TSC I'd be seriously mortified that you wouldn't give up your seat for that grandma yourself.

nokidshere · 13/01/2013 00:09

Hilarious thread.

I absolutely refuse to believe that none of you have never offered another adult in your home a seat. So your auntie and uncle/grandma come round and you have never said - "here granny sit here". Thats rubbish! I don't know one single person who wouldn;t do that.

I haven't taught my childlren to give up their seats for anyone but they always offer if an adult comes into the room and there is no seating. They sometimes stay in the room and chat either sitting on the carpet or bringing in a chair from another room but often will wander off (after pleasantries are exchanged) and do their own thing - what teenager wants to hang around with a load of adults.

I always offer friends "my" seat and go get a dining chair for myself if necessary or will stand.

Booyhoo · 13/01/2013 00:09

" they 'get it' that you only interrupt an adult conversation if it's important,"

yes well mine 'get it' that you only interrupt any conversation if it's important. they dont speak over each other or anyone else.

they also get it that the adult/s who are in charge of them are in charge rather than just adults in general, because adults in general are not in charge of my children and they do not have to do what any adult tells them, just the ones who are in charge of them that i have passed responsibility over to if i am not there.

Alisvolatpropiis · 13/01/2013 00:10

Bamboo I used to stand on buses for people when I was a child. Not a toddler,but certainly from 4/5 up,for elderly/disabled people or pregnant women.

I was perfectly capable of holding on,often the person in question would refuse.

I wasn't however raised to stand for everyone older than me. Would have spent my life standing up!

Booyhoo · 13/01/2013 00:14

I absolutely refuse to believe that none of you have never offered another adult in your home a seat. So your auntie and uncle/grandma come round and you have never said - "here granny sit here".

that's not what we are discussing. i offer all guests a seat in my home and if there aren't enough seats for everyone then i give up my seat first and would then ask my dcs to give up a seat for a guest, no matter the guest's age. however, i have plenty of seats and know the limits of my own house. i dont invite people i cannot accomodate and i have never had a situation where someone has been without a seat.

however, as i said. that isn't what is being discussed.

landofsoapandglory · 13/01/2013 00:14

If we go out as a family, I sit in the back of the car because my DC are a foot taller than me. To me it is polite and respectful for them to have more legroom than me.

I wouldn't expect my 18yo to stand up on a bus because a 35 yo had got on and there was no seat! Why should he? If an old person, pregnant lady, disabled person,or parent with small children got on and there was no seat he would offer his seat with out any prompting.

DamnBamboo · 13/01/2013 00:14

Ali yes, I agree, but that's when all able-bodied people should be willing to give up their seats. Not just children.

Why don't you give your seat to your DCs grandma TSC

wannabedomesticgoddess · 13/01/2013 00:14

Everyone has a place in the world and children need to be taught about hierarchy so that when they go to school they respect the teacher or to work they respect their boss.

Its a seat. Offering it to elders is polite. No one is asking them to polish that elders boots or clean a chimney.

TheSecondComing · 13/01/2013 00:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MmeLindor · 13/01/2013 00:16

What an odd thread.

Of course I would give up my seat on a bus for an elderly person, or a person who was more in need of it, and I would expect my child to do so too.

And I would expect the younger generation of the family to shove off to a different room and let the older ones talk.

nokidshere · 13/01/2013 00:16

Well I must be more sociable than you landsof because we frequently have more people than seating in our house!!!! or you have a much bigger house than me Grin

nokidshere · 13/01/2013 00:18

Sorry my last post should have been to booyoo

Booyhoo · 13/01/2013 00:18

"Everyone has a place in the world and children need to be taught about hierarchy so that when they go to school they respect the teacher or to work they respect their boss."

what you mean is, children should know their place (bottom of the pecking order?) so that they do as they're told without question. this is not the same as respecting their teacher or boss. i can name 3 teachers (out of about 40) at school that i respected. they are the ones that treated us with respect and recognised that we were as human as them, allowed us a voice and supported us to use it.

Original poster
MeganScarlett · 13/01/2013 00:18

Wow this thread has got derailed slightly ... I should clarify again.

My mum does an 'open house' thing where she has friends over early afternoon and family over early evening. So people tend to arrive at different times.

There is seating for everyone. No one would have been made to sit on the floor or stand up.

The dining room is opened up so the living room isn't completely closed off from the other room.

All the people that arrived later were aged between 28 to 45 and no one in our family is pregnant or has a disability.

I just can't see why a 30 year old has more right to a chair than a 17 year old who was already sitting there. When there is other seating available.

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 13/01/2013 00:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Booyhoo · 13/01/2013 00:20

quite possible that you are nokids. i'm a hermit. there are only a few people i have round regularly. if i had more people regularly i would have more seats so no-one was standing. why dont you have enough seats if you always have lots of people in?

DamnBamboo · 13/01/2013 00:21

And the simple answer to that Megan is they don't.

I teach my children to question everything? Only if they feel it's warranted and not for the sake of it.

Imagine that, a bright child who actually wants to know 'why' and isn't afraid to ask.

In my experience, the teachers the children respect the most, are the ones who show them respect.

Lead by example.

Original poster
MeganScarlett · 13/01/2013 00:22

what teenager wants to hang around with a load of adults.

You could say what teenagers wants to hang around with children aged between 4 and 9?

OP posts:
MmeLindor · 13/01/2013 00:22

Megan
I guess for me it would depend on the circumstances. If the 17yo was happily chatting to the rest of the family and people were moving back and forth between the two rooms, then that woudl be ok. If the 17yo was sitting sulkily in the chair and not talking to anyone, then he/she should move.

Bamboo
Respect goes in both direction. If a child wants to be respected, then he has to show respect to others. I don't think it is a bad thing to teach children to be polite and respectful towards others - whether they are the same age, slightly older or a decades older.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 13/01/2013 00:23

Please dont put words into my mouth Booyhoo. I did not say children were at the bottom of the pecking order.

If you bring your children not realising that at some times in life, older people might have more say, you will end up with very arrogant children indeed.

landofsoapandglory · 13/01/2013 00:23

My kids sit on bean bags and the floor when people come round, they don't mind. However, in the situation the OP described I wouldn't expect them to give up their seat, nor would I expect them to stand on the bus because someone older, but perfectly capable of standing, had got on.

They are very, very polite, respectful and well mannered kids.

DamnBamboo · 13/01/2013 00:23

The question is, what kind of 40 year old, would feel it was their right to take a chair from a 7 year old?

I sure as hell wouldn't.