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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For not seeing a true reason to get married

148 replies

anykey · 02/01/2013 21:50

Before I start! Long time reader, first time poster!

In my eyes, marriage is just a bit of paper. If you love someone enough why should getting married actually matter? Does it suggest I love that person more if we are married? Or simply harder to get away if times are hard? Is it a promise that we will stay together through thick and thin or is it a promise that if I stop loving you I will try harder to make it work because we are married? I feel I am from a younger generation which has seen people marry just for financial security, or for religion. (Pre-arranged etc) or maybe because that's "what you do" grow up, get married, have kids and live happily ever after.
I love my partner an have been together for a good few years now but i feel this could put pressure on the relationship in the future!

I've been reading these forums for a while now and have seen that other people's POV can help out. Am I alone with my views or are there others out there who feel the same?

OP posts:

Naysa · 02/01/2013 21:54

Do to the legal system in Britain and a lot of countries around the world it makes financial sense and is very much covering your own arse.

Romantic hey

I think that people who get married for religious reasons are few and far between

DeafLeopard · 02/01/2013 21:54

You are not alone there is one of these threads most months.

However, in terms of financial protection for SAHM / next of kin etc, there is no replacing that bit of paper.

N0tinmylife · 02/01/2013 21:58

I think, apart from the legal side of things, it is a very personal thing. It was very important to me and DH to stand up in front of all the people we cared about and make those promises, but I know a lot of people don't feel that way.

IloveJudgeJudy · 02/01/2013 22:00

Imo a real reason to get married is to plight your troth in front of witnesses and/or friends and family. It is a public statement of your commitment to each other. That's a very real reason in my book.

WorraLiberty · 02/01/2013 22:00

A marriage certificate is printed on a bit of paper

But that doesn't make it 'just a bit of paper' any more than it would make the human rights treaty or the equality act 'just a bit of paper'.

If you don't want to marry that's entirely up to you but to dismiss something that's so important to a lot of other people, as 'just a bit of paper' is a bit...I don't know 'odd' I suppose for want of a better word.

CloudsAndTrees · 02/01/2013 22:00

If you don't see it then that's fine, you don't have to find an excuse or justification for that. Obviously marriage isn't the right thing for everyone, if it were then there wouldn't be divorce.

Personally, I love being married and my marriage is very precious to me, but I don't think that means my DH and I love each other more than a couple that choose not to get married.

Chubfuddler · 02/01/2013 22:02

You're far from alone in your views. However in terms of the "just a piece of paper" argument you are quite wrong. A marriage is a legal contract which conveys rights and obligations which are hard to replicate through other means.

HollyBerryBush · 02/01/2013 22:04

If you dont want to get married, dont ... but please don't be so disrespectful with your 'bit of paper' synopsis to those of us who have decided to get married.

Personally, like others I like being married, with all the legal and emotional support it gives me/us and our children

OTheYuleManatee · 02/01/2013 22:06

Sure, you can be together forever without marrying. But marriage is not primarily a romantic commitment IMO. To get the same legal and financial level of mutual commitment you could either faff about with wills and solicitors at possibly considerable expense, or you could take the simple and (if you like) inexpensive option of getting married. Up to you though, in the end.

LessMissAbs · 02/01/2013 22:07

To be honest, I preferred "being together" but not being married. Marriage is a contract, and I liked the feeling of freedom simply being in a relationship gave. I don't need financial support from my DH, I'm financially independent and we've both brought in much the same to the relationship financially. Its kind of like a sort of trap; neither of us can leave without great difficulty if we simply decide we don't love each other any more. And to be frank, I wouldn't want to stay with someone I didn't love, and I wouldn't want to force someone who didn't love me to stay with me.

Pagwatch · 02/01/2013 22:08

Yabu, a little uninformed and rather lacking in imagination.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 02/01/2013 22:10

there are prosaic legal advantages to being married that cohabiting does not confer

MikeOxardInTheSnow · 02/01/2013 22:11

Erm, don't do it then? It's not compulsory.

mynewpassion · 02/01/2013 22:12

Is this so hard? If you don't want to get married or believe in marriage, then don't get married. No one is putting a gun to your head and marching you to the nearest registrar's office.

FreudianLisp · 02/01/2013 22:14

I was surprised by how differently I felt when I got married. Pre-marriage, if DH and I had a row, there was a little bit of me that secretly thought 'Sod this, I'm off' - not that I ever acted on that. Post-marriage, I was very conscious that I had contracted in front of all my family and friends to try to make this work forever.

It was important to DH and me to be married before we had children. We wanted to have commited to a lifelong relationship before the kids arrived. I think you should only have kids with someone you intend to be with forever, and if you intend to be with someone forever, isn't it a good idea to formalise it?

And yes, there's the dull but practical argument that we're all better protected financially and legally because DH and I are married.

Yes, I know many marriages fail. But that's not a reason for not trying.

Just my opinion.

EuroShagmore · 02/01/2013 22:15

I find marriage a very odd concept - it's state-sanctioned shagging! I'm a bit baffled as to why the state should have any role in relationships. I just find the whole idea strange.

BUT it does come with legal benefits and I did want to be married before having children for that reason. I also think it is more stable, simply because it is more difficult to unravel and it is seen by most people as a deep commitment, so I think that people think a bit more about leaving a marriage than another relationship.

I never wanted to get married for romantic reasons but did it for the reasons set out in my previous paragraph when we were talking about having kids. However, I do quite like being married - it feels "comfortable" and settled. The only time when I regret it is when someone calls me Mrs [husband's firstname] [husband's surname]. I didn't namechange at all and no one made that mistake when we lived together. I feel like I have lost a little bit of my identity by getting married (in the eyes of others at least) and that makes me sad.

FadBook · 02/01/2013 22:15

Can someone outline simply the 'protection' marriage offers?

I have a Will which protects me if something happened to DP. And also clearly states where dd would go if we both er...weren't here anymore. But I always seem to see "marriage offers protection" on MN a lot but can't seem to get a simple answer of what that protection looks like.

I agree with you OP and so does my DP. Whilst the "bit of paper" comment perhaps was a poor choice of words (but metaphorically speaking I agree with this) to us, we are fully committed to each other and dd and don't need to marry each other to confirm this further.

My DP was quite offended by a comment from someone who told him to "do the right thing" and get married. This was not long after we had dd and whilst it was a poor choice of words/a 'saying', he quite rightly pointed out at what point is he doing the wrong thing? He supports me and dd emotionally, financially whilst I had 12 months off work, and have only returned part time, put down far more savings than me for us to move house, and is an amazing father to our dd and partner to me.

Vagaceratops · 02/01/2013 22:18

I like being married.

Chubfuddler · 02/01/2013 22:19

Automatic pr for father of children

Tax free inheritance of property

Two pretty biggies.

DeafLeopard · 02/01/2013 22:23

Fadbook - next of kin decisions - should something happen to your DP you could be excluded from the hospital; widowed parent's allowance; avoid inheritance tax; spousal maintenance to name a few.

lovelyladuree · 02/01/2013 22:25

Because if the absolute worst should happen, and your DP is on a life support machine, you opinion will not count for a hill of beans. The medics will turn to his birth family, or offspring, if they are old enough to make such decisions. And if DP dies before you, your very existence in his life will not be acknowledged by the banks, the coroner or anyone else who you go to for help. Yes, he may have a will and leave you everything. But you won't even be invited to claim ownership of his grave. And don't get me started on the vicar, who will look right down his nose at you. So, don't get married - just plan to die first.

Chubfuddler · 02/01/2013 22:29

A chap my mother worked with died; his parents arranged his funeral, cleared the flat he owned with his partner of his clothes and books and personal possessions and totally shut her out. There was nothing she could do about it.

3ForMe · 02/01/2013 22:33

Tbh I think your opinion will also depend in what your position is in life.

Some get married out of lust, love, as a sign of commitment and hope that they'll be together forever, for financial reasons, for security, because they feel they should or its the right thing to do.

My opinions I had when i was younger are different now I'm older.

What does your partner think? Have you discussed it?

BarredfromhavingStella · 02/01/2013 22:41

Please don't describe marriage as 'just a piece of paper' as it isn't.

I enjoy being married & am quite old fashioned (in this & only this ) in that I wanted to be married before we had children together.

Must be a maturity thing as I did used to have a similar attitude to you & always used to say I'd have a black wedding dress as it would be a sad day if I ever did get married, how my attitude changed when I grew up

Original poster

anykey · 02/01/2013 22:42

Dp loves the idea. But I'm pretty sure it's not for security. Her mum and dad are happily married. Have been since they were 20 and 19 had 3 kids lived happily ever after so to speak. Also they had catholic upbringing, which as aforementioned is frown upon by the vicar. Where as my experience with marriage (not my own obv) kind of puts me off and I have yet to get the feeling that its something I actually 'want'.

I appreciate the 'bit of paper' comment wasn't the right choice of words so I will ignore the trolls out there.

OP posts:

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