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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not seeing a true reason to get married

148 replies

anykey · 02/01/2013 21:50

Before I start! Long time reader, first time poster!

In my eyes, marriage is just a bit of paper. If you love someone enough why should getting married actually matter? Does it suggest I love that person more if we are married? Or simply harder to get away if times are hard? Is it a promise that we will stay together through thick and thin or is it a promise that if I stop loving you I will try harder to make it work because we are married? I feel I am from a younger generation which has seen people marry just for financial security, or for religion. (Pre-arranged etc) or maybe because that's "what you do" grow up, get married, have kids and live happily ever after.
I love my partner an have been together for a good few years now but i feel this could put pressure on the relationship in the future!

I've been reading these forums for a while now and have seen that other people's POV can help out. Am I alone with my views or are there others out there who feel the same?

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 02/01/2013 22:44

Pulling you up on a silly choice of words doesn't make anyone a troll.

If you don't see any benefit to marriage don't marry.

Original poster
anykey · 02/01/2013 22:47

No chub you are right, but suggesting I am uninformed and unimaginative does. Smile

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 02/01/2013 22:47

No it makes them rude. Not a troll.

BarredfromhavingStella · 02/01/2013 22:48

Suggest you do a little research on trolls.......

Chubfuddler · 02/01/2013 22:49

Have just looked back.

LOL at idea of pag being a troll.

Myliferocks · 02/01/2013 22:53

The only true and big reason I can see for getting married is the legal protection a person gets when married.
I personally don't see marriage as a sign of commitment.
Two people who are truly committed to each over will be whether they are married or not.
You only have to go on the relationship board on here to see that.

DeafLeopard · 02/01/2013 22:56

Yep that pagwatch is a real troublemaker Grin

Original poster
anykey · 02/01/2013 23:02

Myliferocks

That's what I have been thinking about you see. When people say marriage. You think of love. How ever I feel that this has changed dramatically and I am interested on people's views of this.

Oh and here's a wiki quote for the ones going off topic

In Internet slang, a troll (pron.: /?tro?l/, /?tr?l/) is someone who posts inflammatory,[1]extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community, such as a forum, chat room, or blog, with the primary intent of provoking readers into an emotional response[2] or of otherwise disrupting normal on-topic discussion.

Similar to the above comments.

OP posts:
zapotek · 02/01/2013 23:12

In the words of Sue Bridehead:

?...it is foreign to a man's nature to go on loving a person when he is told that he must and shall be that person's lover. There would be a much likelier chance of his doing it if he were told not to love. If the marriage ceremony consisted in an oath and signed contract between the parties to cease loving from that day forward, in consideration of personal possession being given, and to avoid each other's society as much as possible in public, there would be more loving couples than there are now. Fancy the secret meetings between the perjuring husband and wife, the denials of having seen each other, the clambering in at bedroom windows, and the hiding in closets! There'd be little cooling then.?

Kendodd · 02/01/2013 23:15

DH and I got married for love, that's all. We loved each other and wanted to make a life together, married. The only legal protection we through of/cared about, was the next of kin thing, we wanted that to be each other.

All the other protections/benefits were just bonuses. We did get a payment of about £1,200 married persons tax allowance just before they stopped it though, that was good Grin

Get married, don't get married, it's up to you too.

One think that does annoy me though is when unmarried couples start bleating on about not having the same rights as married couples, just get married then, easy!

Kendodd · 02/01/2013 23:17

"Get married, don't get married, it's up to you too."

I meant you two, not too.

LadyKooKoo · 02/01/2013 23:19

I haven't read all of the responses so am not sure if this has been mentioned already but if (God forbid) you or your DP was ever ill and in hospital and unable to make a decision about something for yourself then being married would mean that your DP could make decisions on your behalf. I suppose it depends on whether you would want your DP or parents or medical professionals (if no parents around) to make those decisions.

A friend of mine is getting married next year and she says that she was never bothered about marriage but once their DC came along it was important to her as she very much wanted them to all have the same name.

Viviennemary · 02/01/2013 23:26

If both partners are perfectly happy not to be married then that is fine. The problem arises when one person does want to get married and the other doesn't. That's my opinion. Getting married was important to me and DH. So we got married.

Helltotheno · 02/01/2013 23:27

So OP you say your DP wants to get married and you don't? I would say if you don't want to get married, that's fine, but probably points to an incompatibility between you where if you want different things, you're better off separating.

I don't find the term 'bit of paper' at all insulting; that's what it was to me, but a very important bit of paper as it happens. What we had between us was basically there and wasn't enhanced by the bit of paper, we just wanted to protect each other and our children in a stronger way.

Also, wanting to have children after being married isn't 'old-fashioned'! If that's what a person wants, no excuses have to be made!

balancingfigure · 02/01/2013 23:29

Op I agree with you completely. I don't mind or disagree with others being married but it just doesn't appeal to me. My parents were together for nearly 30 years and happy (ish!) until my DF died so that shouldn't have put me off!

DP is keen though!

Am worried about the next of kin thing though - does anyone know if there is a way around this ie to elect for DP to be my next of kin?

CointreauVersial · 02/01/2013 23:35

OP, I had the same opinions as you; DP and I had two kids, both earned equal money, both young and healthy, with no real urge to be married.

Then one day we realised there was no reason why NOT to get married. We were committed for life, due to the existence of the DCs, and I was having a few niggling worries around the financial security side of things (some have been mentioned already, but also we found out that DP's generous life assurance from his company at that time paid out for spouses only). It seemed daft to risk the future security of myself and the DCs should the worst happen, and by that time I was a SAHM (and getting pick of having a different name from the rest of the familyGrin ).

So we got married. It was a fun day, not a white meringue romantic occasion, but I'm glad we did it.

DeafLeopard · 02/01/2013 23:36

Some NHS trusts have a next of kin card I believe balancing. Thing is, if you don't get on with your DPs family, they can over ride you by, for example claiming you are an ex-partner, should they wish to exclude you.

HollyBerryBush · 02/01/2013 23:42

i'm going to throw a right spanner in the works here, because I can.

So, if marriage is so shit, and just a bit of paper', a worthless bit at that, because with all the changes in legislation where you can nominate next of kin, and non-wedlocked children have equal rights to inherit ..... WTF are is the gay community demanding the rights to get married? What with it being so crap n'all?

Clearly it stand for something OP, when people who cant have it want it.

apologies to gay community for using you as an example

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 02/01/2013 23:49

When you start a new job, do you refuse to sign a contract because it's "just a bit of paper"?

BunFagFreddie · 02/01/2013 23:50

I'm the opposite of you Barred. I was desperate to get married to a couple of my X's, but neither of them were particularly interested. One did propose to me, but 4 years down the line it became apparent that he had no intention of ever actually getting married. He just kept worming his way out of it.

DP is fab and I would marry him in a heartbeat. However, he has only mentioned marriage whilst drunk. Then he has conveniently not mentioned it the rest of the time. Having got very peeved about the whole thing I finally told him that I didn't give a toss about getting married and I would save him the trouble. I suggested we save and go travelling when DS is self sufficient.

I've now resigned myself to the fact that no man will ever want to marry me. Funny, because that's what my home economics teacher told me after I cocked up a Swiss roll.

MrsBW · 02/01/2013 23:58

I love my husband. I don't to be with anyone else for as long as live.

So the question becomes... What reason is there not to get married?

MrsBW · 02/01/2013 23:58

I should add... In our case, he feels the same way!

peaceandlovebunny · 03/01/2013 00:08

whatever. but sort out the legal situation with property, inheritance, etc. oh, and if you're Christian, you're fornicating, which is a sin. so get married. otherwise, suit yourself.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/01/2013 00:14

"marry just for financial security"

YABU to be so dismissive. Try telling the woman who gives up her job to look after the three kids she has with a partner and is then chucked out on her ear only to discover that she has no legal protection, no claim on her home & no financial security that it's a trivial matter... it's anything but.

MudCity · 03/01/2013 00:14

anykey I am with you all the way.

I used to think that being married made all the difference in the world and marriage was much more than a piece of paper.

Over the years I have completely changed my view. It doesn't make any difference and it is only a piece of paper.

I am speaking as someone who married someone, got divorced, then got back together with the same person later on (still with them, not married).

You make a choice every day to be with your partner whether you are married or not. That is commitment. Being married does not make any difference at all. A marriage certificate does not mean you are any more committed!

The only thing I might suggest is that, if you and your partner are financially inter-dependent, you ensure that your financial arrangements are sorted (by means of a will) so that you are able to get by if one of you dies. Also, that if you have strong feelings about organ donation or end of life arrangements you ensure this is formalised in case the medics consult parents rather than you. Sorry, bit morbid, but it is good to sort these things out!

Apart from these details, go your own way and do what feels right for you.

Very best wishes to you both for the future.

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