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Original poster

For not seeing a true reason to get married

148 replies

anykey · 02/01/2013 21:50

Before I start! Long time reader, first time poster!

In my eyes, marriage is just a bit of paper. If you love someone enough why should getting married actually matter? Does it suggest I love that person more if we are married? Or simply harder to get away if times are hard? Is it a promise that we will stay together through thick and thin or is it a promise that if I stop loving you I will try harder to make it work because we are married? I feel I am from a younger generation which has seen people marry just for financial security, or for religion. (Pre-arranged etc) or maybe because that's "what you do" grow up, get married, have kids and live happily ever after.
I love my partner an have been together for a good few years now but i feel this could put pressure on the relationship in the future!

I've been reading these forums for a while now and have seen that other people's POV can help out. Am I alone with my views or are there others out there who feel the same?

OP posts:
substitutemycokeforgin · 04/01/2013 12:10

Yeah, I know, Pag. Sad I know.

Still interested in whether anyone reading has wills that affords them just the same protection as marriage, though?

Chubfuddler · 04/01/2013 12:12

There is nothing that can give you all the rights of a married person. Your situation could change - you could move to a more valuable property. Your dp could get a job that doesn't pay benefits to cohabitees.

Just do it and don't tell anyone.

Ephiny · 04/01/2013 12:12

For us it the decision to get married was about the practical and legal stuff, including inheritance. It just seemed sensible to get it sorted out, and marriage seemed like the most straightforward way to do that. The ceremony and little party we had were quite nice too, though most of that is optional.

It's absolutely an individual decision though. If you understand the legal and financial implications of either being married or being cohabiting partners, and make an informed decision either way, then it's not really anyone else's business.

It's only a problem really when someone is making an uninformed decision, e.g. because they have wrong ideas about 'common law marriage', or haven't thought it through. Then it can be a shock when things go wrong and their situation isn't what they thought it would be.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 04/01/2013 12:16

subs
Don't tell anyone for ages, then answer casually along the lines of "oh we got married quite a while back but didn't want any fuss." then change the subject.

My DH is from North Africa and I really don't know how easy it would be to get my rights as a mother recognised over there if we weren't married. Hopefully, I will never have to worry about enforcing my status in his country. As I am the bigger earner and brought more of the assets into the marriage arguably it is DH (a ft SAHD until recently) who is most protected financially by our marraige.

FellowshipOfFineFellows · 04/01/2013 12:25

I used to be very bothered by the marriage thing. I was engaged at 17 to a guy who was a complete bastard, who was violent and who was having a relationship with a woman in his office (who he got pregnant) and his best (male) friend too. I was so desperate to be married and have a "nice" family of my own I was very close to marrying him and turning into a doormat.

A month before my wedding, I met dp. Feel head over heels for him. He told me that if I had even the slightest doubt about my wedding, I shouldn't go through with it. I cried my eyes out that night, all of it- the violence the worry etc all came out to him. The next day, he came round to mine (as promised) and helped me kick the fiancee out- he wouldn't have dared threaten me with dp there. I'd wanted to do it for so long but his threats and his Mum's pressure on me (bought us a house when I called the wedding off at one stage) and my naivety stopped me. Dp and I were simply friend's for a few months, then gave in and got together. He and I have been together for 13 years, we have 2 dcs, we love each other a hell of a lot. I still wanted to get married (when I was 25 and lots of my mates were getting hitched), but we have mates who have met, married and divorced in the time we have been together.

His sisters and family all refer to me as his "wife". I have the relationship and family I wanted so badly. And now? Not bothered at all by the wedding thing. Its just a big debt inducing party really, isn't it?

substitutemycokeforgin · 04/01/2013 12:31

Thanks for sharing that, Fellowship ... what about your financial situation, though?

substitutemycokeforgin · 04/01/2013 12:33

Chaz, I do quite like that suggestion, I have to say! Smile

motherinferior · 04/01/2013 12:36

I quite fancy a wedding, I must say. It's the being married that makes me feel faintly ill. Just not for me, really. The idea of being tethered to someone else for life doesn't really fry my onion. Unlike Mr Inferior, who keeps suggesting we get married.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 04/01/2013 12:43

"I'd feel so embarrassed having to tell people afterwards that I'd changed my mind about the whole kit and caboodle. I think they'd just look down on me and think I was stupid and flighty."

The stupid and flighty bit is that you would leave yourself vulnerable because you can't just admit your position against marriage was just a pose based on ignorance.

You don't even have to tell people if you are so lame you would put embarrassment ahead of doing what you think is right for your family.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 04/01/2013 12:48

Also, it's worth remembering that nobody really more than a passing shit about whether you are married or not.

The reaction is more likely to be "super, we won't have to hear you banging on about pieces of paper any more" than any kind of shock.

motherinferior · 04/01/2013 12:51

Oh, I disagree. People congratulate you on marriage. They make a big thing of it

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 04/01/2013 12:53

People congratulate you on having laser eye surgery or getting a cat or taking down your Christmas tree.

It's just something nice to say.

substitutemycokeforgin · 04/01/2013 12:53

I couldn't stand that, I must admit, mother. The patronising oh-you've-seen-the-light-at-last-and-joined-all-us-sensible-people congratulations. Weren't you a silly girl.

Ephiny · 04/01/2013 12:58

I did find it a bit odd that people wanted to congratulate us for getting some legal paperwork done, but that was a pretty minor issue really. They're just trying to be polite and say the expected thing. Everyday life and the way people (except my religious parents Hmm) treat us is pretty much exactly the same as before.

motherinferior · 04/01/2013 12:59

We've done the legals, with wills and all, and his pension is mine if and when he pegs it, and I'm not overly worried that our various rellies would claim next of kin. Personally, I'd go down that route first.

motherinferior · 04/01/2013 13:00

People congratulated me when DP proposed, dammit. (That was about five years ago, though, so they've stopped now.)

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 04/01/2013 13:04

So you'd prefer they continued to think that you were a foolish woman (not a silly girl FFS) for giving up work to look after 3 children with no legal protection at all?

OK

noddyholder · 04/01/2013 13:05

You can change your mind you know!

Ephiny · 04/01/2013 13:10

I agree it seems a bit silly to let other people's (imaginary) reactions dictate what you do. Obviously if you don't want to get married and are making an informed decision that it isn't right/necessary for you, then that's absolutely fine. But if you do want to, and feel it would be a sensible choice for your family, who cares what other people might say?

MudCity · 04/01/2013 13:30

I can understand getting married if you are having children in the relationship and are concerned about your financial security or are unable to support yourself. However, if you are already financially independent and do not have children in the relationship then IMO it makes no difference whether you are married or not. As other posters have said, if one person has more assets than the other then marriage can be disadvantageous for them personally in the event of a split. Everyone's situation is different. Marriage does not benefit everyone. Wills and pensions can be sorted so that your partner benefits anyway.

As a young person I used to have such a romantic view of marriage. Now it just feels like a financial agreement which is a pain in the backside to get of! However, I can understand that if you don't work then some financial protection is a good thing.

substitutemycokeforgin · 04/01/2013 13:33

What exactly is the "financial protection" if you don't work, though, MudCity? If we split up now, I'd get half the value of the house; if DP died now, I'd get enough to pay off the mortgage.

You've all given me a lot to think about and I've emailed a couple of solicitors during the course of the thread. I'm going to get my finger out and make a decision.

moonbells · 04/01/2013 13:41

I met a very sad chap the other week, walking about where I work. I'd been out looking at the amazing frost, and he commented on it, as you do.

Then it came out (he needed someone to talk to). He'd just lost his partner. He'd not been allowed to make any decisions on her final care (cancer), not been called to the bedside when she was dying, not been allowed to make any decisions on the funeral. He was devastated. Not being married had cost him being with his loved one at the end as he wasn't the next of kin.

I would want to be married if
a) we were buying a house together
Joint tenants: if one dies, the surviving one automatically gets the other share
Tenants-in-common: if one dies, their share goes to whoever it's willed to

If the value of the house is over the Capital Gains Tax threshold (just £10,600) and the couple are unmarried, the survivor will have to pay between 18% and 28% on the value over this.
(average house price between July-Sept 2012 is £249,958, so you'd have to pay between £20,588 and £32,026 to the Govt even if it's willed to you - who wants to do that?)

b) either of us needed medical care - next of kin decisions

c) we had children (preferably before!) - automatic parental rights for Father, if things do go pear-shaped, you're more likely to get support for you as well as them

d) there was any suggestion of any relatives on either side who disagreed or disliked either of us - see b)

e) It's a good excuse for a party.

DeafLeopard · 04/01/2013 13:49

If you don't work and your husband dies, I would have thought that Widowed Parent's Allowance of £105 per week would be a big help.

There is no legal paperwork that can give unmarried partners the same status as marriage..........other than a marriage certificate.

Sabriel · 04/01/2013 13:50

Looking at it from the other way, if marriage is just a bit of paper then why not do it? No big deal, no skin off your nose.

DeafLeopard · 04/01/2013 13:53

Substitute please check that you are entitled to your DPs employers death in service benefit - some are quite old fashioned - before DH and I got married, my death in service benefit would only pay out to a spouse; children or parents. A partner would not be a beneficiary.

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