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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not know what to say?

82 replies

permaquandry · 10/12/2012 07:58

Dd7, sensitive, nicely 'young' for her age asked how you make a baby.

What do I say? She isn't at all worldly wise and she's a bit of a worrier.

I only want to give her the info she can handle but also don't want to lie.

OP posts:

littlewhitebag · 10/12/2012 08:00

You get some nice kids books that address this sensitively. I think i told mine that mummies and daddies had a special cuddle.

AltinkumATEalltheTurkey · 10/12/2012 08:00

I've told ds age 6, 7 in feb, that mummy and daddy have a special cuddle, and the baby is made, because we love each other.

He was happy with that, we will be adjusting it more next year, as he will be doing a little des ed in school.

DeWe · 10/12/2012 09:32

You can either go for the "egg from mummy, seed from daddy. They meet...etc" route (what I did)
Or the special cuddle.

Mind you I had a conversation in the car in more depth with my dds (age 12 and 9) at the end dd2 said "you mean it's not from kissing" and dd1 said "oops I got question 2 wrong on the biology test". I think she'd covered her ears due to embarrassment during class. Then they both went "daddy had to put his willy inside you yuck..." Not worrying about them getting pregnant yet then.

FolkElf · 10/12/2012 09:35

DeWe It's reassuring, isn't it? My DS is nearly 14 and isn't even convinced he'll want to do it when he's older it all sounds so nasty

cheekybaubles · 10/12/2012 09:39

I think the 'special cuddle' story works well as it gives the emotonal / commiment side as well .

pictish · 10/12/2012 09:43

'Special cuddle' - no, just no.

Tell her the basics in an age appropriate manner. It's not hard, and shouldn't be awkward. That IS how a baby is made, so answer her with the truth.

ArkadyRose · 10/12/2012 10:01

My eldest two got to watch my pet rats shagging, back when I used to breed pet fancy rats for shows and pets - then I answered questions afterwards. I've always believed that if they're old enough to ask the question, they're old enough to get the complete answer - and you're doing your kids no favours if you try to be precious about it, talking about "special cuddles" and so forth. I revisited the topic when the eldest two hit their menses, and went into detail then about safe sex & contraception then.

WorraLorraTurkey · 10/12/2012 10:21

Just tell her.

Kids don't really have hang ups about these things... adults do.

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight · 10/12/2012 10:33

Lol at pet rats shagging vs special cuddle.

Stick to special cuddle if you think that's as much as she can take on board. Take it a step further with Seed and Egg if you think it through and don't muddle her.

Just remember today's faltering explanation with Mum will be outdone by exchanging knowledge with playground pals so you might want to get in first.

Rudolphstolemycarrots · 10/12/2012 13:09

7 is old enough to know basic facts. Daddy's seed, mummy's eggs, baby growing in the womb for 9 months. I explained that both daddy's seeds and wee come from his willy (which DS found hilarious). I also explained that women have different orifices - one for wee, once for periods/babies and one for poo.

valiumredhead · 10/12/2012 13:43

No special cuddles when they are 7, they need to know basic facts. Get an age appropriate book and read it with her.

LiquidLunch · 10/12/2012 13:48

In our house:

Mummy and daddy do a special kiss-and the kids aren't allowed to know about the kiss until they're 18. It's a secret.

The dr tells us when the baby will be ready to come out

Mummy has tummy ache when baby is too big to stay in tum.

Go to the hospital. Dr gives mummy medicine to make me sleep. Dr takes baby out-but I don't know how.

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy · 10/12/2012 13:52

LiquidLunch - your version makes you/the mother so passive and the dr so powerful

I told my 7yo the basics, like pictish, in an age-appropriate and above all simple manner, using correct terms such as womb instead of 'tummy'. He knows what a period is and that a baby grows from a sperm fertilising an egg inside a woman's womb. We read Mummy Laid an Egg by Babette Cole, which contains cartoonish drawings vaguely depicting the 'mechanics', but ds hasn't been at all interested in that side of things.

Nixea · 10/12/2012 13:55

I've never understood the whole "special cuddles/kiss" spiel myself. My 5 year old has been asking this recently as we use a very toned down and age appropriate version but using womb, egg, seed etc. Surely it's best to stick to a degree of truth.

valiumredhead · 10/12/2012 13:57

liquid no wonder there is such a high rate of teenage pregnancies!

UC · 10/12/2012 14:03

Agree totally about not making up slushy special cuddle stuff. My two (8 and 6) know that a man has to put his willy inside a lady, sperm comes out and meets the egg, which makes a baby. They also know about periods, and tampons are special kinds of plasters. They also asked about how the baby comes out, and know about c-sections and that the baby comes from a special passage from which it has to squeezed out as its head is bigger than the passage.

They also think it's pretty gross.

LiquidLunch · 10/12/2012 14:03

My kids are younger than 7, so we use a very basic story. And the dr does most of it so I don't get any more questions

Obviously when they're older we'll tell them the truth.

manicinsomniac · 10/12/2012 14:40

I think the special cuddle thing's a bit twee, I'd tell them straight (my 10 year old has never asked and, as she's never seen me with any man, I'm not quite sure how she thinks her little sister got here but I'd rather not ask!)

I horrified my grandma when she told me that God had put a little sister in my mummy's tummy and I replied (age 2!) "no he didn't, Daddy put his penis inside mummy and squirted the baby ingredients in!" - That may have been a little graphic though!!

BreconBeBuggered · 10/12/2012 14:51

My approach with both DC was fairly factual. DS1 grasped the essentials straightaway, but with DS2 I might have done better to go down the special cuddle route. He was asking me questions in the sanitary protection aisle in Morrisons yesterday. I was trying to be as matter-of-fact and cool as possible, and some twat of an ex-neighbour chose that moment to play silly buggers tapping me on the shoulders and hiding. Flustered, me?

AMumInScotland · 10/12/2012 15:33

If you don't want to give her "information overload" then just stick with answering the actual question she asks, and don't try to answer all the "extra" questions she hasn't thought of yet.

But I really do think it's better to stick with accurate information. The man's body makes seeds and the woman's body makes a different sort of seed called an egg. When they join together, a baby starts growing inside the woman.

She'll either say "OK then" and go off to play with her dolls, or ask "Yes but how do they get together?" Then you know if you need to add the next little bit of information.

Each subsequent conversation just build up the next fact, in answer to the next question. At 7 she will probably not connect the stuff you are telling her with the grown-up "kissing and cuddling stuff", most children this age will just think it is a weird and yucky thing that adults decide to do for the sole purpose of making a baby.

fuzzpig · 10/12/2012 15:43

I think I'll be dealing with these questions soon! DD is in yr1. She's not really even asked about periods yet, since she assumed age 2 that my STs were nappies

piprabbit · 10/12/2012 15:54

I've link to this book on other threads, it's one I had as a child and I have also read it with DD. IMO it's gets the mix of cartoons/graphic images/mad hippies about right. I don't think you can buy it - but you could talk it through online with your DCs if you feel brave and/or up for a laugh.

FestiveDigestive · 10/12/2012 16:11

I answered the questions as they came (I think the 'special cuddle' bit was when he was about 3) & added more information when DS asked for it. He is now 7 and was questioning me recently about how exactly the sperm gets from a man's willy to the egg (I am pregnant again which is why he is asking lots of questions).

When I explained in more detail about a woman's vagina (used for pushing babies out as well as having sex) and that a man puts his penis in there for the sperm to come out - he interrupted me to ask it that's how he was made. When I said "Of course it was" he started rolling on the floor with the hands over his ears shouting "I feel sick - please tell me you're lying!!". He seems to have recovered from the trauma though

I'm sure they have already covered basic sex education at school & have started discussing things in the playground anyway. I give accurate information when DS asks any other questions about science & nature so I would feel very odd if I started making up twee stories about reproduction.

We also talked briefly about the fact that it's something adults do, that it can always cause pregnancy, that contraception is used to prevent unwanted pregnancies etc. I'm hoping that as DS gets older he will feel comfortable asking me or DH any questions that he has.

A childrens book we used when I was pregnant with DD (when DS was 4) is called "Where Willy went.." by Nicholas Allan. It's brilliant as it is very accurate about the sperm and egg bit but glosses over the actual sex, so maybe a good starting point OP if you don't want to overwhelm your DD with information.

BerryChristmas · 10/12/2012 16:49

LiquidLunch - really.......really? That is AWFUL !!!

AMumInScotland · 10/12/2012 16:59

Perhaps it's just me, but I've always had a worry with the whole "special kiss" / "special cuddle" / "secret just for grown-ups" way of talking about sex, in that it seems to me that an abuser would find it relatively easy to encourage a child into doing things because it's only a kind of cuddle, or because they are letting them into the "secret" early (but don't tell anyone, because its our secret). Whereas if they know that a man has a penis and he puts it inside a woman (who he loves very much...) in order to make a baby, then even a young child can see that any adult suggesting they have anything to do with a penis is being odd and suggesting things which they should not be suggesting to a child. Children get kisses and cuddles. They don't do "baby-making" things. This is straightforward and easy for them to understand.

There isn't anything remotely wrong or loss-of-innocence about knowing how those parts of your body work, any more than about your digestive system or your bones.

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