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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not know what to say?

82 replies

permaquandry · 10/12/2012 07:58

Dd7, sensitive, nicely 'young' for her age asked how you make a baby.

What do I say? She isn't at all worldly wise and she's a bit of a worrier.

I only want to give her the info she can handle but also don't want to lie.

OP posts:

LiquidLunch · 10/12/2012 18:34

I wasn't asking for your permission or agreement Berry. Each to their own.

When I was asked by my eldest he was 3 and I didn't think it was necessary or appropriate to be explaining, however basic, how a baby is made. A 3 year old doesn't need to know IMO.

A white lie has done ds no harm whatsoever. And when he asks again, as he's older now, then he may get a more honest answer.

What you choose to tell your children is a very personal choice. You think I'm being awful-that's fine. That's your opinion. It was the right decision at the time for my child.

For the op, I would say 7 is old enough to be told how a baby is made. But it's something for you to judge as the mum of your dd and how you think she'd respond.

LucieMay · 10/12/2012 18:42

I just told ds, aged six, the truth, in basic form. Can't be arsed farting around with white lies and euphemisms. I told him a very condensed version when he was about three and this year he asked mewhat his balls were for so I told him the whole truth. He was very intrigued and just accepted it. I'm very matter of fact with him about most things, he is young but he lives in the real world and just takesI tell him on the chin.

YourHandInMyHand · 10/12/2012 18:44

Gosh it's threads like this that make me realise how innocent DS is in certain areas. He has autism and despite being 8 now he has never asked me about how babies are made!

Can anyone recommend any books I could buy that would help explain to him when he eventually asks?

golemmings · 10/12/2012 18:51

When I was pregnant with dc2 we told dc1 (20 months) that mummy had a baby in her tummy. dd wanted to know why I had eaten a baby.
The question hasn't arisen since but I think honesty is the best policy based on that experience.

chrismissymoomoomee · 10/12/2012 18:55

I remember being told about 'special kisses and cuddles' when I was about 6 or 7 and being terrified that I was pregnant because I cuddled a boy at school, I also know someone who was abused and the abuser came out with all the special grown up cuddles shit to justify what he was doing.

I will never ever let my kids think that even for a minute. My 4 year old knows the very basic facts, my 11 and 8 year olds both know exactly what happens.

There are lots of books out there on the subject if you don't know where to start with explaining but please think twice before using 'special kisses and cuddles' and definitely don't tell your DD what Liquid told her DS. All that happens there is you are lying and they have to learn the truth eventually.

As a result of me being so honest with my kids they now come and ask me anything and know I will tell them the truth about it, long may it continue.

LucieMay · 10/12/2012 18:55

I'm also not a fan of the special cuddles/kisses etc. I've explained very plainly the difference between mummy's kisses and cuddles and those you have a with a girlfriend/boyfriend. He kept going on about us "snogging" so it had to be done.

3b1g · 10/12/2012 19:08

YourHandInMyHand: we have found the 'Let's Talk About' series very helpful. Three staged books, all covering the same topics but in very different levels of detail! They're published by Walker Books.

The first one is suitable for any age really, we let ours read it after the first 'basic level' talk which happened when they first started asking questions.

The second book is called 'Let's talk about where babies come from' and is suitable for junior school / KS2. We gave this to DS1 and DS2 to read at about age 9.

The third book is called 'Let's Talk About Sex' and is much more detailed. We gave this to DS1 in the summer before secondary school so that at least he'd have access to some accurate information rather than just playground myth.

We do also talk to them about this stuff, but we take the lead from them, answering honestly and truthfully when they ask but not adding huge amounts of extra info.

meddie · 10/12/2012 19:08

I kept it quite basic and factual. must have worked because aged 9 he came in to tell me that he thought our cat might be having babies.
"what makes you think that" I asks
"well I just saw nobby shagging Spotty on the front lawn"....
nobby is the local mangy tom and I have no idea where he got shagging from, but it was a definite spit your coffee out moment...

WorkingtoohardMama · 10/12/2012 19:10

Would also say that 'where willy went' is the best book, I've bought a few in preparation for the questions - ds is 6 and has asked a couple of questions - I just find babette cole a bit crude, but I'm probably being a prude!

Up until this year I told ds that the doctor is very clever and knows how to get babies out, when ds wanted more detail, I said mummy's have a special hole near their bottoms that the baby comes out of, and he went 'oh right' and went off to play - so true that kids just accept what you tell them.

3b1g · 10/12/2012 19:14

The first book I mentioned is called 'Let's Talk About Girls, Boys, Bodies, Babies, Families and Friends' or something like that. All three books are by Robie Harris I think.

TheFallenMadonna · 10/12/2012 19:20

I used a PowerPoint

YourHandInMyHand · 10/12/2012 19:26

at the powerpoint! I'm not that technical and do like a good book! [traditionalist]

Thanks for that 3b1g I will have a look on amazon.

babybythesea · 10/12/2012 19:28

Actually I do think someone upthread made a very valid point about using the term 'special cuddle' - it starts to introduce the emotional side of it as well as the facts.
So maybe it does have a place somewhere. I'd not really considered that before. Just saying 'a sperm meets an egg' and then going on to explain the mechanics of how that happened is what I've always wanted to do but it does rather skip over the emotional side of it. I am revising my story slightly I think. Not to necessarily include the 'special cuddles' as a term but to make sure I include in the story a bit about how the act of sex only takes place if people care about each other.

thanks to whoever highlighted that. It hadn't occurred to me before.

3b1g · 10/12/2012 19:37

at the PowerPoint!

SauvignonBlanche · 10/12/2012 19:37

I don't understand why you don't tell them the truth?

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 10/12/2012 19:38

I think it is really off to lie to kids about it. Surely the chief lesson they take from bollocks about you "not knowing" how doctors get the baby out is that you have a massive hang up about discussing sex with them and if they want the truth they should look elsewhere?

Chubfuddler · 10/12/2012 19:44

Bleurgh to "special cuddle" and as for luquidlunch, Christ on a bike.

DS asked me how babies were made when he was three so I told him. Not a big deal. I've never seen any merit in lying to children when if you just swallow your embarrassment and put you big girl pants on, you can just tell them the truth. Generally DS is fascinated by learning about these things.

WMittens · 10/12/2012 19:48

This may be a bit overcynical, but with the emphasis on "when mummy and daddy love each other very much... etc etc," it's easy to see how in a child's logic how they think if the child is a result of that love, then a divorce is the result of not loving the child any more.

InNeedOfBrandyButter · 10/12/2012 19:52

I don't understand why you wouldn't tell them the truth either. My dc are 5 and almost 7, one day they were playing mummys and daddys and dd started to fake child birth. I said so where does the baby get out dd and she replied from your vagina then ds said but how does it get there! So I answered in an age appropriate way that a penis goes into a vagina and a seed comes out and swims to the egg. They were a bit eww gross so you had a willy inside you but I think its better for me to have explained then school friends.

takataka · 10/12/2012 19:54

What the hell??

what is with all the special cuddles and secret kisses???

Jesus

Original poster

permaquandry · 10/12/2012 19:57

Wow, thanks for all the replies. A mixed bag indeed.

I cannot give her the bare facts. She is too immature and would be pretty upset. Eggs, seeds, womb, periods etc will probably horrify and frighten her.

Whoever said just answer the question and don't elaborate unless questioned further has got it right, I think.

I'm going to say that when a man and a woman love each other and would like to start a family, there is something they can do.

Her innocence and lovely outlook is far too precious and child-like (as it should be) for me to risk confusing her and I do not think she is equipped to assimilate the info without worrying/being upset.

She doesn't have a brother and is dd1 so perhaps isn't exposed to as much as other 7 yr olds are. Dd2 seems to have been born worldly and am very surprised she hasn't asked this yet.

Thanks again.

OP posts:

SantaFi · 10/12/2012 19:57

I have 7 year old and 5 year old daughters and a few months ago - dd1 just asked how babies are made. I have a 22 month old and we had already done how babies come out

I just told them - no frills no stories. I considered not telling dd2 (she has just started primary school) but I knew that dd1 would tell her later so I wanted her to get the facts and not dd1s spin on things

It was fine, I was mortified but they took it in their stride. To be honest I think they'd heard a bit of playground talk so the truth was maybe less shocking than their imagination! Strangely enough dd1 asked another question re babies last week and I double checked that they were clear about what we had already talked about.

coldcupoftea · 10/12/2012 19:58

Both mine (age 4 and 2) know that they grew from tiny eggs in mummy's tummy. They also know I had to push them out of my foo foo ( cringe at that word I know it's awful!).

So far they haven't asked about daddy's involvement in the eggs growing, which is fine by me!

Chubfuddler · 10/12/2012 20:02

I'm inclined to be a bit < head tilt> that anyone could seriously think a basic understanding of how ones body works can rob a child if their innocence. That is genuinely odd to me.

Original poster

permaquandry · 10/12/2012 20:06

I didn't say rob I said confuse which is precisely why I was unsure of how to handle it. I don't want to risk confusing her and then getting myself in a total muddle.

OP posts:

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