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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if anyone has regretting having / not having children?

204 replies

Cherryontop99 · 19/11/2012 12:37

That's it really.
Has anyone regretted their decision, either way.
I'm just in the decision making process myself which is why I ask.

OP posts:

massistar · 19/11/2012 12:38

No, I have 2, no regrets at all. Thought about a third at one point and then decided not to, no regrets about that either!

Emsmaman · 19/11/2012 12:41

I could never say I regret having my DD. However hand on heart I can say if I had known how hard it was going to be I don't know if I would have had children, or at the very least I would have done so in a different way (i.e. not so far away from family etc.). They also bring untold joy but if you'd never had a child you wouldn't really know that you were missing that feeling iyswim.

NervousAt20 · 19/11/2012 12:43

No, I have 1 DD and I wouldn't change it for the world. I can't imagine my life without her now. Even though its hard work and frustrating at time I've never regretted anything

MardyArsedMidlander · 19/11/2012 12:44

I have no children and have never regretted that decision for more than about five minutes at a time- and only in a really abstract way. In fact, the older I get the more I realise what a right decision it was for me.
I mean- I swear at my cats enough and they can't moan about emotional abuse

I have worked with children all my adult life and find them fascinating and great company and very amusing- but I'm always glad to hand them back!

scentednappyhag · 19/11/2012 12:45

I don't regret having DD at all, but I might have put it off a bit longer had I known how lonely I would be. She is amazing though and I wouldn't change her for the world

Haribojoe · 19/11/2012 12:45

No. I've got 4 DC and although there are plenty of days when they have me tearing my hair out I can honestly say I have never wished things were different.

Everyday they make me smile and give me that heart bursting feeling of love and happiness.

I know that sounds naff but for me it's true

millie30 · 19/11/2012 12:48

I don't regret having my DS and I would never want to be without him.

BUT...I sometimes think how much easier my life would be if I didn't have him. I'm not a relaxed parent, I'm quite anxious and over protective and this can be really draining, particularly as I'm also a lone parent so have no one to share the burden with.

Maybe I really just regret the circumstances in which I had DS, as I could never regret DS himself.

CailinDana · 19/11/2012 12:48

I have 1 DS and another on the way. No regrets so far. When I envisaged having children I thought I was deluded and expected the reality to be not nearly as good, but so far it's even better :) Becoming a mum was the best decision I ever made, followed closely by deciding to marry DH

LauriesFairyonthetreeeatsCake · 19/11/2012 12:52

No children of my own and have only ever fostered - I do not regret my decision to stop trying for a baby (was very half hearted about it after a few miscarriages).

I cannot wait for this foster child to grow up though I love her very much - I will finally get to sit around and drink gin at 45 and go on holiday, and have loud sex, and watch tv loud enough to hear the inappropriate bits...

coffeeslave · 19/11/2012 13:10

I don't have kids & have never regretted it. Sterilised at 24, 35 now.

(And yes, I read mumsnet! Mostly for the Relationship advice )

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 19/11/2012 13:12

God no. I have one DS and he is the best thing in the world ever and I have never regretted having him for a second.

My best friend has no children, never wanted them, and she doesnt regret her decision for a moment either.

Horses for courses, we are all different and that is what makes the world so interesting :)

carovioletfizz · 19/11/2012 13:13

Have never regretted having children for a second, even though I was a single mum for the first few years and life was tough at times - they have brought so much happiness to my life, I can't imagine my life without them and don't want to.

Furoshika · 19/11/2012 13:16

I don't regret my children, for the people they are, I love them completely etc.
However if I had known how I would be as a parent, I would have reconsidered. I didn't realise how much my past has affected my ability to parent. I have two brothers, one is gay and doesn't want children, and the other has decided he isn't cut out for parenting either. We all go a bit quiet when we think about how our parents were with us. (Offhand, critical, dismissive, obstructive etc rather than anything darker.)

stinkinseamonkey · 19/11/2012 13:17

yes when pregnant, both times have gone "eek that was stupid, how will we provide, what sort of world will they come into etc etc"

but no, never regretted DS once he was born, (no 2 not born yet so still from time to time get an "eek" moment). Still did all the things I planned to do, uni, clearing debt, working, hobbies, volunteering etc, plus more because being a role model and provider motivates you to be the best you IYKWIM

Original poster

Cherryontop99 · 19/11/2012 13:18

Just so hard to know what to do. Part of me wants kids, part of me just wants to carry on how I am. I am 31 now so need to start thinking about this.....i have lots of hobbies that would have to go if I had kids, and I have a good career that would suffer. And I like having DP all to myself :o and not being poor.
But then the other half of me wants a family.

OP posts:

HilaryClinton · 19/11/2012 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KitCat26 · 19/11/2012 13:20

Never regret having my two. They are bloody hard work said after a night of no sleep after 3.30am but so much fun. I enjoy seeing them grow and learn. It is especially nice having kids around at Christmas after there just being adults around the table for so long.

expatinscotland · 19/11/2012 13:20

We have three children, one died, but never regretted having them.

I have two close friends and several other friends who never had them and none of them has any regrets. They're all in good marriages/long-term relationships with people who never wanted any children, either, and enjoy their lives.

stinkinseamonkey · 19/11/2012 13:20

I do have friends who regretted having them too young or too old, and colleagues who regret not having them (where they did want them but waited till the "perfect" time with the "perfect" man etc which of course never happens) And a couple of friends who sacrificed having children to be with men who couldn't or didn't want children.. and the relationships didn't last but by the time they split it was too late for them

LRDtheFeministDragon · 19/11/2012 13:20

I would imagine it's pretty distressing to regret having your kids, let alone reading it as someone not in that position.

I regret not having a baby when I could have done, I don't know if you mean that sort of thing? But I'm more or less made peace with it.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 19/11/2012 13:21

You can always go back to your career and also why do you have to give your hobbies up? I have a good career (same job as before I had DS) and loads more hobbies now.

You don't have to sacrifice everything to have kids - there are ways and means around these things if you want it enough :)

stinkinseamonkey · 19/11/2012 13:24

how much you sacrifice depends on your partner and support system. I had mine with someone who doesn't see my ambitions as less important than his now that we are parents which helps a lot, childcare is as much his responsibility as mine so if i have something i can't (or don't want to) rearrange then he'll rearrange his work. it means a lot of "tag teaming", so our DS is with one or other of us, but we are a bit like ships passing in the night, one comes in when the other has to run out the door.. but we were always a bit like that (not to this extent) as when we met I was doing full time shift work so you just make the most of a breakfast together here and a quick coffee there etc

peanutpie · 19/11/2012 13:28

I was unsure about having children and could see a lot of downsides when I looked at my friend's very changed lives, with young children. However I went for as it all seemed like a risk worth taking.

Six years in and two children later, I sometimes wish for more freedom, but fundamentally I'm really glad that we are now here. I wish I had known how much I was going to like the children, even with all the hard work. I spent years worrying about how awful life would be with young children and I'd wish I had known that I would be able to cope.

5dcsinneedofacleaner · 19/11/2012 13:32

No I dont regret mine at all. The first 4 was planned number 5 wasnt (although we knew we were not finished - she was just a little earlier than we planned). I dont ever regret having them, I get stressed sometimes but generally if they are out I think "thank god they are coming back" life would be dull on my own.

CailinDana · 19/11/2012 13:37

Cherry it might reassure you to know that most people feel a bit uncertain about the actual decision to start trying. I always wanted children, I was absolutely sure about it, but even so deciding to try seemed huge and I had quite a few wobbles. In fact, following a miscarriage I was about to suggest to DH that we put it all off for another year or so as I was finding it all too worrying and daunting. Next thing I knew, I was pregnant again and I was really scared, partly in case I miscarried again and partly in case I didn't and I would have to face actually being a mother! Anyway it was all fine in the end and DS is fantastic. It's ok to be a bit ambivalent about it all, I think it's normal.

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