To ask if anyone has regretting having / not having children?

[Cherryontop99]

That's it really.
Has anyone regretted their decision, either way.
I'm just in the decision making process myself which is why I ask.

(Ponyofdoom your generalisation is staggering!)

Sorry threesteps. I never mean to upset people, but frequently do. I had my DD at 40 so I was late to this game and had plenty of time for considering the nature of existence.

There are many paths through life.

We have 3. Big gaps between them(15, 10, 22months) which makes life interesting

No regrets, quite the opposite. They're my world.

I don't regret having my DS. I do have moments like I expect most parents do at times where I think "What the sweet FUCK have I done to my life?!", but they get less as he gets older. If I could have skipped the first 12 weeks or so, I would have .

I'm also now facing the possibility due to health issues that I might not be able to have another child. Which at 21 is hard to swallow, but makes me feel that everything happens for a reason, and my life took the path it was supposed to take, even if it was a scary one at the time.

Nothing can prepare you for motherhood, and it will never be the right time: there will always be something that makes it difficult. Its certainly the hardest bloody thing I have ever done in my life. And I love (almost) every second of it.

ah Exit mining a seam of the childless here I think. I have many 40+ friends who don't have DC. I would love to say they are all happy with their decision, but most of them are not and in fact didn't make the decision really it was thrust upon them by circumstance

i thought I was rather ambivalent about kids, but something hurts quite a lot tonight. I'm trying to work out whether it's loss of DP, and/or no chance of DCs. There's always a distant chance I'll meet another bloke, not so much having kids though...

think now's the time I should blast up some power ballads music in my child free home and have a wail

"ah Exit mining a seam of the childless here I think"

I don't know what that means Fanny?

I have 2 DCs and as I was left holding the baby literally at 8 months pregnant then with hindsight I might have wanted things different. It's bloody hard work at times. But seeing their little smiles everyday makes u wonder what the hell u were doing with your life before them.
And I constantly remind myself that I might feel trapped and lonely and scared right now but soon those little faces will be sulky independent teenagers.
If I had a DP I could depend on I'd never have a second of regret.
It's just so hard on your own when u can't even pop to Tescos for a loaf without it turning into a minefield.

I blame the OP for starting this thread.

Flojo I have an incontinent dog so can kind of empathise with you there!

i have never regretted having any of my six, although i do think about the fact because of a large age gap i will prob be a grandma before my youngest leave by years lol so the years of being child free will prob pass me by. and that saddens me a little.

i dont have any friends that dont have children but did once have a conversation with an oldish lady. she had stopped me to say how cute my children were and that she had never had children. she had a had great job lovely life and when all her friends had children felt happy with her choice. but she missed dreadfully not having grandchildren. the hole she felt was overwhelming at times.
i could only sympathies with her i had no idea what else to say.

i know this is similar to another post earlier but still wanted to share.

no one else can make this decision for you we are all different and want and
need different things out of life.

For a long time I was fairly sure I didn't want children, but ended up with a DP who wanted them desperately. I lost that battle and I'm so glad I did. I have a DS who I simply can't imagine life without.

Retaining a sense of self is very important though - I feel very fortunate that I'm at a stage in my life where I have an income, childcare, support etc to not ever feel like I'm sacrificing anything meaningful for my child. Quite the contrary - the thought of not having him makes my heart hurt. But I'd never have been able to predict that I'd feel like this, so I don't see how anyone else can advise you.

Exit I agree with you and I would imagine lots more do too, just are a bit scared to get flamed as well!

three just that I find a certain chippiness and defensiveness among some people who don't have children as illustrated by the response to Exits perfectly reasonable statement that we are primarily here to procreate.

She didn't say 'the childless have lives empty of meaning', but that is what her comment was interpreted as.

Its Funny btw, Fanny would seem a tad crass

Well said Funny

why thank you Pinot

Yes. I regret that I never had a dc4. DH wouldn't/won't agree to another one. I've accepted it now, but I secretly still wish for another dc. It's not even a rational thing as I often struggle with our 3, one of whom is very challenging. At the same time I am grateful every day for our 3 healthy children, but there's a small part of me that's still rather bitter towards DH for not "letting" me have another. At the moment I could still, in theory, have another (although almost 40 and youngest dc is 7 so not ideal) so I'm hoping that once I'm really too old for another I'll finally be able to put it behind me. DH just says he's looking forward to grandchildren but he has also agreed to look into fostering. I would like to foster, but I think the people who decide if we can will realise that he's mainly doing it to please me?

I don't regret having my son one bit. I have changed since I had him, but only in that I find life is fuller and richer with him in it. This has surprised me, because I spent all of my adult life before he came doing exactly what I wanted to do (which was a lot) and for that reason didn't want kids, because I thought that life would become narrower once I was a mother. But nothing could be further from the truth. I remember thinking, shortly after he was born, that it was as though some kind of veil had been lifted to another side of life that had always been there but that I had been unable to access. When I think that, had I carried on as I was, I might never have seen that, it makes me all the more grateful that he is here at all. I can honestly say that I love him with a passion I never thought was in me, that he is my favourite person and if I had to choose someone out of all the world to share my life with, then it is him.

Thanks for putting me straight Funny

You do come across pretty patronising.

And my apologies for calling you Fanny.

I'm only 8 weeks in to parenting but I am loving having DD which is a surprise because:
a) I was never a baby person. I like them better when they can talk etc.
b) The first few weeks were miserable after a CS (which hurt more than I expected) and the sleep deprivation is a massive shock to the system. At around 2-3 weeks I sobbed to DH several times "I have ruined my life!"

Then at about 5 weeks the magic happens - they start to engage a bit more. You can start playing with them more and get proper, intelligent smiles back. DD plays and coos and laughs and gives big gummy grins. I am absolutely besotted with her in a way that has taken me by surprise. She is also beautifully portable at this stage so you can take her anywhere and she will happily doze in car seat or lie on a blanket kicking and chirruping. In fact found myself looking at her yesterday and wishing I could freeze her in time because she's perfect. I was in a cafe, having coffee, doing some work while she lay and kicked and cooed away.

DH is a huge support and we agreed some ground rules before we started trying (e.g. she will be going to creche part time fairly soon to allow me to do some freelance work while I'm still officially on maternity leave). This can help if you are scared of not having any time to yourself ever again. Ironically I now feel quite :( about putting her into creche!

I'm mid thirties btw and feel v lucky to have gotten pregnant as soon as we started trying. Other friends haven't been so lucky. You don't know which camp you'll be in till you start trying IYSWIM so there is something to be said for trying in early thirties if you're ready which gives you time for other options if it doesn't happen for you straight away.

You'll be fine OP whatever you decide - just different paths :)

This is AIBU though.

Right now i am seriously wishing i'd stayed on the pil. But then i have a 23 week old who has woken every 2 hours for the last 5 months and screams when i put her down, in the pushchair and in the car seat. I am holding out hope that if you ask again in 6 months i'll be happier in my decision.

find a certain chippiness and defensiveness among some people who don't have children as illustrated by the response to Exits perfectly reasonable statement that we are primarily here to procreate. QUOTE

People aren't being chippy and defensive. They're pointing out the insensitivity of making statements on a website implying that life without children lacks meaning. I know some people who would love to have children and find it hard to cope with some of the unintentionally cruel remarks that people often make eg Having children is when you really grow up/stop being selfish etc. There's some programme being trailered on telly at the moment about the first year in life after giving birth where some young mother announces 'What's the point in life without children' and I cringe thinking of some desperately ttc friends having to hear that. I know people don't do it intentionally but when you've seen people in tears because of some thoughtless remark made by someone in work or whatever you do realise how important it is to think before making remarks like those.

I understand the chippiness and defensiveness, too.

Most people assume having children is the default and there must be something wrong with you or your life if you don't have them. Especially if you're a woman. In the best case scenario they'd think you are infertile and pity you. And if they think it's deliberate, they'd move on to other scenarios as to what could possibly be the reason for such an anomaly as a woman not fulfilling what she's "here for".

wallison I've just filled up a bit at your post, that is how I feel about my DS

(Secretly hoping random tears are a 2DPO very early sign of pregnancy )