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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my wedding has been usurped....

90 replies

Vincenza · 23/10/2012 10:53

I got engaged 4 weeks ago. My fiance's brother got engaged 2 weeks later. We have now set our wedding date and we are getting married in a v. unique and famous venue which has now been booked and deposits paid. Last night it was casually announced to me that the brother and his fiancee are getting married in the same venue a couple of months later.

Our wedding was due to be a v. small and intimate do whereas they are inviting every man and his dog to their's. Apparently it has always been the bride to be's 'dream' since she was a little girl to get married there and I should just suck it up.

Everyone who is attending our wedding will then be attending theirs. I can't help but feel that comparisons will be made whatever. I also know that the couple involved will spend our day sizing up the venue for their big event. I feel that my small wedding is no longer special and will be completely emasculated by theirs.

AIBU to feel this? Nobody asked me specifically if I would mind and I was told the other bride has 'more right' to get married there for various reasons. I just want to change my venue now but I don't think I am going to get anywhere else because it is too short notice. I feel like it's not special anymore....

OP posts:
picnicbasketcase · 23/10/2012 10:56

I'm not surprised you feel crap about it, but I don't think there's much you can do now, if it's all paid for. Would you get your money back and be able to find another venue for the same date?

Lulabellarama · 23/10/2012 10:57

Get over it. Concentrate on starting your marriage rather than over thinking the 'emasculation' (btw that makes no sense) of your venue.

SomethingSuitablyWitty · 23/10/2012 10:59

I can see why you feel bad about it and it's a tough situation because there's not a lot you can do. Can you even cancel your booking if you've paid a deposit?

On the other hand, if you got a 'unique and famous' venue booking in the last 4 weeks, then other, less popular venues are bound to be still available for the dates you want, so why don't you look into the practicalities of changing it? If it's possible and what else is available.

See what's possible and after the initial shock, I think you're going to have to get on with it whatever happens. Try not to let it ruin your enjoyment of the planning etc. That would be pointless. Congratulations BTW!

DuelingFanjo · 23/10/2012 10:59

I'd change the vanue if it means that much to you. When are you planning on getting married, surely it can't be soon so you have plenty of time to find another more intimate and unusual venue.

Why not get married on a boat, in a tent etc?

squeakytoy · 23/10/2012 10:59

bridezilla vs bridezilla... it wont be pretty Grin

ViviPru · 23/10/2012 11:00

YANBU to be a bit miffed, in particular being told someone else has more right than you to anything.

But at least its after your wedding, imagine if it was just before - I think that would be worse. I'd be put out if someone I was very close to was getting married in our wedding venue just before our wedding, especuially since there were several guests in common as it would really take the shine off, nothing would be magical or new or special anymore, as the big 'reveal' would have been done at the first wedding.

The fact that your is small and intimate means there will be an entirely different atmosphere. Not inferior, but concentrated, like a really distilled flavour.

It's happening, you can't change it, but you can alter your perspective. A couple of months after your wedding you really won't give a fig what another couple are doing.

DuelingFanjo · 23/10/2012 11:00

like this

Paiviaso · 23/10/2012 11:00

Are your future BIL and his fiancee always this desperate to outdo you? It is a bit sad of them.

I would probably want to change my venue as well, but really you shouldn't have to. Your day is about you and DH and will be special wherever it happens.

MadonnaKebab · 23/10/2012 11:01

YWNBU if their wedding was a month before yours
But as it is, yours will be fresh different and intimate
But theirs will be same-old not-here-again
Oversized weak repetition of your far superior occasion
So YABU
Have a fab time at yours and try not to pity them too much

MichaelaS · 23/10/2012 11:02

Explain the situation to the venue and see if you can get your money back. If they can fill the date they should refund you.

But big brash weddings are not always best (and I had one!). It's personal touches that people remember, things that make the wedding uniquely suited to that couple. Having 400 people and throwing cash at it doesn't make people have a good time. Concentrate on making your wedding about you 2 and let them do the same

I would be pissed off too though, YANBU, but I think you have to suck it up and move on.

ViviPru · 23/10/2012 11:03

That's pretty much my thinking too, Madonna.

Vincenza join us over here for wall-to-wall wedding banality chat and you can tell us all about your plans :)

missymoomoomee · 23/10/2012 11:03

I never get this whole bridezilla thing.

Its one day out of a whole lifetime together, regardless of what goes on before or after or who else gets married there your day will be special to you and your DP/DH and thats all that matters.

DawnOfTheDee · 23/10/2012 11:03

I can see why you'd be upset but as you're getting married there first I'd say it's you, if anyone, who has the 'advantage'.

The people who will be attending both weddings will have already seen the beautiful venue at your wedding.

As to the number of people/style of celebration...I always think it reflects the couple and their personality. If you have a small, intimate wedding it will be just as lovely (even more so in some people's eyes) than a big 'wow' wedding. It'll be you and your DP's personality and day....and the people that love you will see that.

Congratulation btw Smile

WorraLiberty · 23/10/2012 11:04

If both you and your SIL to be both managed to book a very 'unique and famous venue' so recently, you could well be just as lucky with another venue.

Personally, I think YAB a but U about this as the place obviously means something to both of you.

I was going to suggest a double wedding but I'm not that brave! Grin

FryOneGhoulishGhostlyManic · 23/10/2012 11:04

Just make sure you don't discuss the details of your wedding so you can't be copied........eg dress, cake, etc.

diddl · 23/10/2012 11:04

I can see why you´re pissed off.

But-you´re still having the wedding you want-more importantly you are marrying the man you want to marry.

I remember going to a wedding not long after mine & they´d chosen a piece of music that we´d had-because of hearing it at our wedding.

I was in the church fuming.

Then I realised what a twat I was & got over myself.

It´s a very popular piece of music-must have been used by thousands of brides.

The same probably applies to your venue.

calypso2008 · 23/10/2012 11:05

You are being ridiculous and BU.

Your wedding is before the other wedding. Weddings are about the rest of your life, not one day. And so what if the next wedding is in the same place?

Catch a grip.

Oh, and congratulations Grin

mrsfuzzy · 23/10/2012 11:06

your wedding day is ultimately for you and your groom to be to exchange your vows and make you commitment to each other, the party and the big dress is secondary to everything else. it looks like the other couple are going for one up man ship but let them, so what if people compare that shows how shallow they are and not worth worrying about, remember,a small intimate wedding will be more personal for you and your guests where as something gawdy/ott may be just remember for the debt it caused! this isn't going to happen to you but i knew someone who planned for two years spent nearly an eye watering £20,000 on it and started divorce proceedings ater a year because she decided she'd made a big mistake, they are still paying those debts six years later!

blackeyedsusan · 23/10/2012 11:07

your wedding is first. those who have been to yours will wonder wtf? the rest ill not be that bothered. you can do quality ith a smaller reception, they ill just do quantiity.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo · 23/10/2012 11:07

So. But what about your marriage

You have to realize that your wedding and your wedding day is special to you and your partner. And nobody else really.

To the invitees, it is just a costly party which distinguishes itself from other parties in that they have to attend, bring an expensive gift, possibly overcome insane childcare struggles if the wedding is child free, and smile happily throughout.

The venue is not what people will remember and associate with your wedding. The venue is just the frame work around the party. The only people to really notice it, is you.

If you are lucky, after the wedding, people may say about your wedding:
"such a nice and intimate wedding"
"Such a happy looking couple"
"I wonder why the bride looked so grim"
"Shame there were no children running around"
"Shame about all the screaming kids, there were no creche on site"
"did you notice the man with the measuring tape who was photographing the flowers and the napkins???"

etc.

What people say about your wedding after the event, has little to do with the venue, but how well thought through it was, and whether everybody felt well looked after.

And stop being daft.

ViviPru · 23/10/2012 11:07

Then I realised what a twat I was & got over myself.

I'm planning to play the best man's and my sister's respective down-the-aisle songs before my own at our wedding, I was hoping that would be perceived as a thoughtful and affectionate nod to them, but now I'm concerned they'll both do a diddl Confused !!!!

LonelyCloud · 23/10/2012 11:09

YANBU to be annoyed about this.

But if your wedding is going to be small and intimate, and everyone they've ever met is invited to theirs, both weddings are likely to have very different feels to them anyway.

I also think that it's better for you that your wedding is first - the mutual guests will see it for the first time at your wedding, so by the time their wedding comes round, the mutual guests won't really notice the venue as much because it's familiar, IYSWIM.

WorraLiberty · 23/10/2012 11:09

Is anyone else curious about the 'unique and famous wedding venue'?

Blush
Original poster
Vincenza · 23/10/2012 11:10

Thanks for all your replies which have been REALLY useful. Just to let you know I am the least bridezillary person in the world! I won't even get my dress the week before. It's more the casual way in which it was disclosed. I agree it is about changing my perceptions. I just think it's a shitty thing to do!

I am also now worried that the reception venue will be replicated as well which would be really weird. I have spent the morning trying to get an alternative venue but everywhere is now booked up.

As a bit of additional info - none of my family are attending the wedding which has made me extra sensitive about the people who are attending. I am very self conscious and I don't want everyone thinking 'Well her dad walked her down the aisle and Vincenza's didn't. What's that about?'.

OP posts:
mollymole · 23/10/2012 11:11

It would not bother me in the slightest. Why should you be concerned where their wedding is. IMO she has every right to choose her venue as she pleases, just because you are being married there earlier in the year it does not mean that you have the right to say she can't get married there.

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