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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my wedding has been usurped....

90 replies

Vincenza · 23/10/2012 10:53

I got engaged 4 weeks ago. My fiance's brother got engaged 2 weeks later. We have now set our wedding date and we are getting married in a v. unique and famous venue which has now been booked and deposits paid. Last night it was casually announced to me that the brother and his fiancee are getting married in the same venue a couple of months later.

Our wedding was due to be a v. small and intimate do whereas they are inviting every man and his dog to their's. Apparently it has always been the bride to be's 'dream' since she was a little girl to get married there and I should just suck it up.

Everyone who is attending our wedding will then be attending theirs. I can't help but feel that comparisons will be made whatever. I also know that the couple involved will spend our day sizing up the venue for their big event. I feel that my small wedding is no longer special and will be completely emasculated by theirs.

AIBU to feel this? Nobody asked me specifically if I would mind and I was told the other bride has 'more right' to get married there for various reasons. I just want to change my venue now but I don't think I am going to get anywhere else because it is too short notice. I feel like it's not special anymore....

OP posts:

calypso2008 · 23/10/2012 11:28

Vincenza I did think you were a 'bridezilla' (hate that term, but you know what I mean) now I don't think so at all.

I just think you need to concentrate on YOU and YOUR wedding and make it as special as possible for you and your soon to be DH.

Original poster

Vincenza · 23/10/2012 11:32

Freddie that is AWFUL.

Calypso thank you for your kind words. I think I am definitely more sensitive around my wedding because of family issues...

OP posts:

TunipTheVegemal · 23/10/2012 11:35

I am completely bemused by this thread though clearly most of the other posters seem to get it.

A wedding is not a competition. If you were genuinely worried your wedding was 'no longer special' just because someone else was going to have theirs in the same venue you probably shouldn't be getting married at all - it's supposed to be special because you love the person you are marrying and your friends and family who are coming to celebrate it with you not because it is a chance to show off.

Tailtwister · 23/10/2012 11:38

I can see why you're annoyed, especially since the dates are so close. A similar thing happened to me with my SIL.

However, your weddings will be completely different. I have been to lots of weddings in the same venues and tbh each and everyone one was unique. Try not to let it spoil your day.

MerylStrop · 23/10/2012 11:39

I'd change my venue if I was you. No because they have a better right to it, but because it is going to piss you off and end up ruining your wedding and the planning. I'd just do something else completely different. And not tell them until it's too late for them to copy you

But lol at "emasculating" your wedding.

calypso2008 · 23/10/2012 11:39

I completely understand now Vincenza, plus you have that feeling you are doing it all by yourself, no fuss from your family for you, they will not even be there. Makes you feel insecure. Gulp. That is how I felt.

It will be fine.

freddiefrog · 23/10/2012 11:41

To be honest, I wasn't so much pissed off about the venue, as I was about the date.

They weren't even engaged at the time so it felt deliberate iyswim.

All our mutual friends told us to stick with the date, they'd all come to ours and blow the pair of them, but I couldn't be that mean.

It all worked out in the end, we found a venue who was more accommodating and would let us do pretty much what we wanted, and our wedding was far more relaxed and 'us' than we could have had at the original venue.

It did leave a bad taste in my mouth though

Cahoots · 23/10/2012 11:54

I think you have to try not to let it bug you. Concentrate on your own wedding and forget your BIL's. It really, really doesn't matter what they do for their wedding. If it is bigger and fancier who cares? Do what you want and can afford and enjoy your wedding and enjoy theirs too. It is very brideziller'ish to think that your wedding will be less special because of this. Also, I would not give a fig about anyones opinion if they were the type of person to compare weddings in a mean way.

I think, if you can get out of your current frame of mind, you will be much happier if you decide not to concern yourself with what your BIL and SIL are doing.

Of course, it would have been polite if they had 'asked' you.

I think it is as easy as that.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo · 23/10/2012 12:08

Freddie, did you stick to the date? And more importantly, did your friend attend YOUR wedding?

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 23/10/2012 12:09

Am I the only one who would actually feel very happy (bordering on smug) if someone chose the same venue or music? I'd think "oooh, shows what a great venue it is if they want it too".

My MOH booked the same venue as us immediatley after attending our wedding - I was flattered.

Woozley · 23/10/2012 12:11

I think it will be their wedding which is outshone by yours rather than vice versa. It will all be rather old hat to the guests who have just attended your wedding.

freddiefrog · 23/10/2012 12:18

NotQuintAtAllOhNo No, we went for a different date in the end and yes they did attend our wedding.

nickeldaisical · 23/10/2012 12:22

ah, I'm that much of a bridezilla that I was all jealous of my DH's niece's wedding that was much better than ours a whole two years after we got married

anyway, OP, I can see why you're pissed off, especially as it seems they did change it deliberately, but I reackon and concur with earlier comment that their wedding will be compared with yours because you've done it first
"far too many people Vince's was much nicer being more intimate"
"talk about trying to outdo?"

nickeldaisical · 23/10/2012 12:23

Turnip - yes it is

diddl · 23/10/2012 12:25

"but now I'm concerned they'll both do a diddl"

Well I didn´t say anything or make a scene as I knew it was ridiculous of me to feel so annoyed that someone else wanted the same very popular piece of music as us.

GoSakuramachi · 23/10/2012 12:26

I really don't think you mean emasculating do you?

ViviPru · 23/10/2012 12:27

If I were actually coming down the aisle to one of 'their' songs, then it would be a bit unoriginal, but I'm playing them before my own song, so hopefully it will be taken with the sentiment with which it was intended!

Fakebook · 23/10/2012 12:27

Where is this famous venue?

mrsfuzzy · 23/10/2012 12:28

okay hon,, we understand what you are saying but this all seems to be getting out of propotion with you,it doesn't matter what other people think, they are there to see you and your groom get married, none of my family attended my second wedding[ registry] as they had problems with my now ex, but we just got a couple of witnesses off of the street! we made the best of it, it is only about you and your chap at the end of the day, it sounds as if you are getting wedding jitters too, no matter how muchyou want to marry it's nerve wracking, anyway, i'm with worrel where is this famous place sorry don't mean to be rude, just incredibly .nosey

Atropos · 23/10/2012 12:33

Sounds as if your day will be lovely. You can't do anything about copycats, especially ones with such vulgar ideas, except feel sorry for them.

CwtchesAndCuddles · 23/10/2012 12:38

Your wedding is a small intimate one months before their big flashy one.
What does it matter???

I could understand you being upset if they had jumped in and booked to have their wedding before yours but as it's after and a different style I don't see the problem.

BartimaeusNeedsMoreSleep · 23/10/2012 12:52

One of our friends was a bit put out that we "overtook" them to get married. (he might have used stronger words behind out backs but we don't know).

They got engaged almost two years before they got married. We got engaged 4 months before we got married...which was 4 weeks before their wedding.

Only 8 people (including both couples) attended both weddings so we were a bit

We also thought their wedding would be "better" than ours as they were throwing way more money and time at it plus had 5 times as many guests as we did. It turned out that our weddings were completely different in almost every way imaginable, but both reflected perfectly the couple getting married.

My only real moment was when the other groom insisted that DH and he went suit shopping together, then was that DH chose the style he was going to choose and if I hadn't known there was no way I could tell looking at them as they were made from different material and weren't even worn on the same day

Anyway, I would not be bothered. Instead, look at it as a lovely opportunity to return to the place you exchanged your wedding vows only a couple of months later. Whilst they say their vows you can squeeze your DH's hand and remember that special moment you shared a few weeks earlier.

shewhowines · 23/10/2012 12:53

I'd be flattered too, (and was when various elements of ours were copied by others - admittedly some time later).

Guests are going to be more at them copying you. They will enjoy yours and will be more bored at theirs, if anything, with having to go to exactly the same place again so soon, than be impressed.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 23/10/2012 13:01

Gretna Green?
The whole wedding thing does my head in. Thats why DP and I are sodding off to the Shetland Islands to do the deed next year. Just us and the kids!

elliejjtiny · 23/10/2012 13:08

My sister got married in the same church that I did and used the same caterer. There were a few other things the same as well but I can't remember what. I was flattered and a bit smug that my ideas were so good that she used them as well. Totally different weddings though (and the food at mine was better )

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