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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..... Constant decline of sleepover invite

77 replies

Giddymiss · 17/02/2012 06:49

My DD is 7 and very keen to have a sleepover with a close friend who comes to tea at our house probably once a week during term time (because it's a good thing to do, they are friends, DD is an only child, it helps with friends mothers childcare arrangement and my part time work commitments means I can help out on a regular basis).

Both families are friendly and we share are family days out a few times a year.

I've never poisoned friend with my home cooking - lol. No limbs have ever been broken. They always play nicely together.

Problem is every invitation has been declined - politely and dare I say it in an overly flowery way with excuse that whilst mum is ok with it it's the dad that's says no/feels child too young etc.

However children talk freely don't they and it's obvious this child does go on sleepovers after all. This is leaving my DD upset and confused.

I would appreciate opinions - from both sides of this dilemma - please feel free to speak candidly. Thanks.

OP posts:
cookcleanerchaufferetc · 17/02/2012 06:55

I would not have my Dc doing sleepovers at 7 as it is too young. I work and don't want kids staying up late and being ratty the next day. My DC can do them from 11! Just my opinion.

Are you sure the friend is doing sleepovers elsewhere? Are they with family members or friends? I think it is time to stop asking.

YellowDinosaur · 17/02/2012 06:55

Who does she go on sleepovers with? Might be family or other people that her Dad knows better than you. Or it might be that whenever their dd comes back from yours she is hyper and they are worried that she won't settle. Or it might be that she doesn't go on other sleepovers but is making itup / your dd is getting the wrong end of the stick etc.

If you are friendly with the mum next time that you see her I'd say something along the lines of ''as you know dd really wants your dd to come for a sleepover and is getting upset because although she is not allowed to come here she is saying she has been for sleepovers with X. If you don't want her to come here that is obviously totally fine and up to you but I wonder if there is another reason given that she does go on other sleepovers?' I reckon you oculd say that in a friendly way that wouldn't put the mumsback up and get to the bottom of it.

SittingBull · 17/02/2012 06:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

troisgarcons · 17/02/2012 06:56

Ummmm. Well. there are people I allow my 11yo to have sleep over with and people I don't. Has nothing to do with the cleanliness of the house, the cooking or indeed the ability to play nicely. It's just a vibe.

Maybe the other mother doesnt get your particular vibe?

Icelollycraving · 17/02/2012 07:02

I think seven is pretty young for sleepovers.
There is clearly a reason if she is going on other sleepovers. Do the parents know you & dh well? Did the play dates start to help out the other mum when she was working?
Perhaps the sleepovers are with family rather than friend.
Stop asking,if you are repeatedly turned down,the result is no. I imagine it fills her with dread each time,the refusal upsets your dd.

Icelollycraving · 17/02/2012 07:03

Another thought,perhaps the parents work & want to spend time with their dd rather than her going on sleepovers?

JamieOliveOil · 17/02/2012 07:06

I think 7 is too young. My DS (nearly 9) has been invited to a few sleepovers and I have always declined. He occasionally stays over night at his Cousins' house. I just feel that he is too young to be away from us with people who aren't family.

I recall from when my SDC's started having sleepovers that it's a slippery slope and they end up wanting to have them all of the time.

OP, do you think perhaps your DD's friends' parents have declined as they don't want to have to invite your DD back and therefore get into the habit of sleepovers?

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 17/02/2012 07:06

Well it depends, do you know who tge other sleepiness are with it could be grandparent or other family members. I can see this is going to be me in a few years, and dh will be saying that but would be fine for family members.

kiwimumof2boys · 17/02/2012 07:08

I wouldn't take it personally - some kids just don't like going on sleepovers. My younger sister would only sleep over at her best friends house (which was just down the st) and would not want to stay at anyone elses's. I remember my poor mother telling a nice mum on the phone some phony excuse that my sister was unwell when they tried to invite her to stay over.

She got over eventually.

Dustinthewind · 17/02/2012 07:10

Who does the other child go on sleepovers with?
Other friends at the same school? Relatives?
Is she pretending that she does, so that she isn't made to feel weird by not doing so?
You may never know, do you and your daughter value the friendship enough to keep it even if you don't know the answer and she never does a sleepover with you?

troisgarcons · 17/02/2012 07:11

BTW - 7 isn't too young if you know the family and friends very well.

south345 · 17/02/2012 07:15

My nearly 7 year old doesn't like sleeping out he still attempts to but we get upset phone calls at 11pm, maybe the girl just sleeps at family houses?

Original poster
Giddymiss · 17/02/2012 07:17

She is going on other sleepovers - with a friend and not family etc. this is openly spoken about and evidenced on Facebook (I dislike FB by the way) by mother who yes works but is keenly hosting sleepovers with very late nights with other child

Yes both sets of parents know each other well - the dads have been out on school related dads nights etc.

Yes of course there is (unspoken) reason. Perhaps it's just a case of too much interaction already with my DD (actually this could be feasible). Maybe if we slacken on weekly tea play dates then the sleepover would be "granted".

Yes I (think) too much about things - DD has other friends and this is a useful exercise in writing my dilemma here as its helping me see the broader scheme of things and that I should encourage a wider selection of friends home for tea.

OP posts:
BeeWi · 17/02/2012 07:19

It'd be interesting to know who the other sleepovers are with. My nephew will do sleepovers with family members but not friends because he still has problems with bedwetting. Obviously family know about this and understand but you can imagine it'd be mortifying for the poor fella if others outside the family knew.

BeeWi · 17/02/2012 07:20

Oops. Posted before I saw your reply.

troisgarcons · 17/02/2012 07:20

Does your daughter go to their house for a sleep over?

If not, then, there is no insult or slight - the other families are just closer than yours are to them. However if your daughter does go to their house and the inviation to your house is declined, then there is an unspoken problem.

I don't see that cooling the frequency of after school teas once a week will bring a resolution to it though. I do agree with broadening friendship circles #.

nothingoldcanstay · 17/02/2012 07:35

Perhaps she doesn't want to do the return favour?

She may feel that your and her DD's are being forced into a BF type relationship (and you get this vibe too I think) especially if your DD is now making a big deal of sleeping over.

Perhaps she doesn't agree with your night time routine for her DD as differences are more important at age 7. If you put them to bed early or later than she does or expect lights out if she has a late night reader etc etc.

Don't push it because refusal often offends (and it's upsetting your DD)

sunnydelight · 17/02/2012 07:50

My kids (DD8 and DS13) don't sleep over at other people's houses with one exception on the part of my 13 year old. They just don't want to and I see no point in forcing the issue because some parents have decided that it's the norm (or in some cases quite fancy a night off without having to pay a babysitter). Mine like sleeping in their own beds; they have plenty of friends and love going to other people's houses but are ready to come home at a certain stage. Similarly they love having friends over but are happy to say goodbye at bedtime.

I have nearly fallen out with a very good friend of mine because she, like you, can't understand what for her is an issue, for me it's just not. She puts huge pressure on me, constantly makes remarks in front of my kids about what a shame it would be that the fun can't continue "because you don't do sleepovers. One time she pretty much forced me to agree to having her DD to stay; she asked a childcare favour for me to have her daughter for the day - no problem, happy to help - then said that she couldn't drop early in the morning so her DD would have to stay over. I really couldn't say no. The bottom line was her daughter was desperate to stay so my friend totally ignored the fact that we didn't want it. It was a complete nightmare as DD just wanted to sleep alone, in her own room, leaving the guest to sleep alone in another room which I felt awful about. Respect the way that other people choose to live family life, don't me "that pest who just can't take no for an answer".

ragged · 17/02/2012 09:03

I think you'll drive yourself crazy speculating, OP. Ask directly why not and if they won't give a decent answer then you'll have to let go. I don't blame you for being frustrated but you've got to accept they have some weird reason they won't share, otherwise.

ragged · 17/02/2012 09:04

And PEOPLE read the thread: the child in question frequently sleeps over at other people's houses (her friends'), is encouraged to, even, but isn't allowed to sleepover with OP's child. That is what OP can't understand.

Floggingmolly · 17/02/2012 09:15

Some kids just don't like being away from home over night. my dd was 10 before she wanted to. My 4 year old has received around 6 invites so far Hmm, I wouldn't dream of allowing any of them, it's far too young.

Floggingmolly · 17/02/2012 09:17

Oh sorry Blush, didn't get the child has other sleepovers. maybe the kids just don't get on that well?

Proudnscary · 17/02/2012 09:18

I think maybe take the hint and get over this one. It's not a big deal so don't make it one.

Dustinthewind · 17/02/2012 09:19

Read the thread, ragged? What, all 23 posts?
Too much effort. Smile

warthog · 17/02/2012 09:19

well i think you have to back off. don't ask them round every week for a play date. if they ask why, tell them. say you don't understand why they won't let their dd stay for a sleepover when she's obviously going to other friends.