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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

..... Constant decline of sleepover invite

77 replies

Giddymiss · 17/02/2012 06:49

My DD is 7 and very keen to have a sleepover with a close friend who comes to tea at our house probably once a week during term time (because it's a good thing to do, they are friends, DD is an only child, it helps with friends mothers childcare arrangement and my part time work commitments means I can help out on a regular basis).

Both families are friendly and we share are family days out a few times a year.

I've never poisoned friend with my home cooking - lol. No limbs have ever been broken. They always play nicely together.

Problem is every invitation has been declined - politely and dare I say it in an overly flowery way with excuse that whilst mum is ok with it it's the dad that's says no/feels child too young etc.

However children talk freely don't they and it's obvious this child does go on sleepovers after all. This is leaving my DD upset and confused.

I would appreciate opinions - from both sides of this dilemma - please feel free to speak candidly. Thanks.

OP posts:

Cottonbrain · 17/02/2012 09:25

This sleepover subject is a tricky one isn't it?

It's probably best to accept that, for whatever reason, now isn't the time for this friend to have a sleepover with your DD. it sounds to me that the children are young still and perhaps it will change over time - there does have to be a limit on how many playdates it is possible to arrange/reciricate etc and this applies to sleepovers too really doesn't it.

Might be good even to just step back a bit and see the whole scenario with fresh eyes - IMO regular tea dates with the same kid does seem one sided but if it works for you then good for you -

Gumby · 17/02/2012 09:26

My 7 year old has been on a sleepover
He slept fine, 9pm to 6.30
I think it's better at a young age, the older they are the more they want to play xbox until 2am

OlympicEater · 17/02/2012 09:33

I decline invitations for DD (7) as she often has nightmares and comes in for a cuddle and so she doesn't want to - she lasted til 2am at a friend on the same street before coming home.

However she doesn't want to lose face in front of her friends so probably does talk about her sleepovers. She has stayed with her cousins as dsis didn't mind her climbing in for a cuddle in the middle of the night.

She has also stayed at another friend who she is not that close to - what she omits to say is that it was the whole family who stayed over as we are friends with parents, so actually she was sleeping in same room as us.

There could be lots of reasons why they don't want to sleep at your house - maybe the other house is within walking distance so they can go collect if there is a problem if they don't drive / have had a drink?

QuickLookBusy · 17/02/2012 09:39

I've had to make excuses for my DDs in the past. They may have enjoyed playing with someone but didn't want to sleep there. They could never come up with a valid reason, it was just something they felt. I wouldn't force them at that age to stay somewhere they didn't feel happy. So I think you just have to accept it.

I agree your DD should have lots of different people home for tea/sleepovers, not just this little girl.

Original poster

Giddymiss · 17/02/2012 09:40

Thankyou everyone for your words of wisdom - I think I'm making too much of situation and really thinking outside of (my small) box that is my head. Common sense shall return.

OP posts:

LilacWaltz · 17/02/2012 09:43

Why are you so keen on sleepovers????

They are 7 and don't need them!

girlywhirly · 17/02/2012 09:54

I don't think 7 is too young for sleepovers, although it depends on the child and how well they get on with the family they will be staying with. They could be trying to hide their DD's possible bedwetting as another poster said, or sleepwalking, or night terrors. I don't think it's a personal slight on you.

Given the fact that you entertain the child each week which helps the mother out with her child care, perhaps the childs father should consider this before refusing to let her come on sleepovers. Would he be willing to come home early from work to look after her, although my feeling is they'll just find someone else. I think you should be honest from the start that you are going to be unable to look after the child regularly from now on so that they can make alternative arrangements.

I agree that widening your DD's circle of friends is beneficial, and I think reducing contact with this friend would be too. Who knows, the girls may naturally become less close as they make other friendships, which is completely normal, or the father might relent and let her come on a sleepover in a few months time. Freeing up this after school time each week will become useful in the future if DD wants to join clubs and activities.

Original poster

Giddymiss · 17/02/2012 10:11

Can we close this thread now? I realise im hanged up on something which really is silly - many situations offered in this thread I hadn't thought of - its not important. The tea date thing is not the issue can't see why it should stop as the children have fun and that's all that matters really. DD will be starting horseriding soon so that will help her make a different circle of friends with similar interests.

OP posts:

LilacWaltz · 17/02/2012 10:13

I don't think you can actually 'close' a thread

Tabliope · 17/02/2012 10:20

To be honest, if I was this mum and dad I'd be really annoyed with you keeping on asking when they've given you a reason - the mum is ok with it but the dad isn't. It's very rude and could be seen as hassling someone by keeping on inviting the girl, putting the parents on the spot yet again. I'd be saying no to you on principle that you've haven't had the decency to let it lie - they've said no, you should respect that whether you agree with it or not. By keeping on you're creating a problem and I'd want to keep my distance from you - it's too clingy.

Original poster

Giddymiss · 17/02/2012 10:40

Point taken Tablihope - thankyou.

OP posts:

QuickLookBusy · 17/02/2012 10:47

Giddymiss I'm sure you can ask for the thread to be deleted?

Report your OP and tell them you get the message and don't want it to go on.

Or you could just hide the thread

LilacWaltz · 17/02/2012 10:48

Mnhq don't delete threads that easily!

QuickLookBusy · 17/02/2012 10:54

Well it might be worth a try, if the OP wants to?

CremeEggThief · 17/02/2012 10:56

I would say that this family could just as easily be seen as the rude ones, as they are not giving you a valid reason and they're happy to let you take care of their daughter once a week while they work. Do they reciprocate your kindness in any way? I think it's good that you are going to attempt to broaden your DD's friendships circle, and I hope she enjoys her riding lessons.

purits · 17/02/2012 11:00

Stand your ground OP. You said "This is leaving my DD upset and confused." She should be your concern, not posters on MN.
You said that you have the other child to you on a frequent basis but didn't mention being invited back. They don't see sleepovers the same way as you.
Time to invest effort in someone who is more compatible and reciprocal IMO.

purits · 17/02/2012 11:01

x-posts
[slow typer emoticon]

purits · 17/02/2012 11:03

Oh, and " I am OK with it but OH won't agree" is an old chestnut.

Ilovedaintynuts · 17/02/2012 11:03

As a child I hated sleepovers at certain houses. I was quite sensitive and didn't like chaos or the child stayed up too late. One house I wouldn't sleep at because it smelt funny.
7 is far too young to be analysing why they are refusing sleepovers IMHO.

Original poster

Giddymiss · 17/02/2012 11:18

Errrrr sorry to sound dim but what does "OP" mean?

OP posts:

TotemPole · 17/02/2012 11:22

OP is you, Original/Opening Poster.

If can also stand for original/opening post.

Original poster

Giddymiss · 17/02/2012 11:23

Thanks for explaining.

OP posts:

Cherriesarelovely · 17/02/2012 12:26

Well, I guess you have 2 options OP, either stop asking or actually ask them what the problem is which could be embarrassing/upsetting for both parties!

I have been on both sides of this. DD is not really into going for sleepovers and most of her friends are. She does enjoy having friends to stay here though and one of her friends mums thinks DD is being "unfair" in not wanting to go and stay at their house when their DD stays at ours! I can see that DDs friend finds this frustrating but her friend is much more outgoing and extrovert than DD and I am not going to force DD to stay at someone's house if she doesn't want to.

On the other hand DD has a couple of friends that are reluctant to do things with her/us and to be honest it can be a little hurtful but we can hardly be annoyed when we are in the same situation with other children ourselves!

I do understand your frustration and confusion but I really would leave it. If your DD keeps asking why her friend is not allowed to stay I would just say "I don't know" which is true. I really hate these horrible little situations that come with being a parent!

Cherriesarelovely · 17/02/2012 12:27

Iloved you sound just like my DD! Very sensitive, lovely though!

EauDeLaPoisson · 17/02/2012 13:01

My DD had a similar problem with another girl she liked. Her mum would always say they were 'busy' yet this other mum used to go on on facebook about how the girls are enjoying their sleepover.
In the end I just encouraged my DD to mix with a wider range of kids which she did. It did feel like a slight and miffed me a lot tbh but then I just realised some people are cliquey and will never change so its pointless even thinking about the whys and wherefores

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