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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

..... Constant decline of sleepover invite

77 replies

Giddymiss · 17/02/2012 06:49

My DD is 7 and very keen to have a sleepover with a close friend who comes to tea at our house probably once a week during term time (because it's a good thing to do, they are friends, DD is an only child, it helps with friends mothers childcare arrangement and my part time work commitments means I can help out on a regular basis).

Both families are friendly and we share are family days out a few times a year.

I've never poisoned friend with my home cooking - lol. No limbs have ever been broken. They always play nicely together.

Problem is every invitation has been declined - politely and dare I say it in an overly flowery way with excuse that whilst mum is ok with it it's the dad that's says no/feels child too young etc.

However children talk freely don't they and it's obvious this child does go on sleepovers after all. This is leaving my DD upset and confused.

I would appreciate opinions - from both sides of this dilemma - please feel free to speak candidly. Thanks.

OP posts:

rhondajean · 17/02/2012 13:13

DD2 is seven and she doesnt go on sleepovers as theres none of the parents among her friends I am particularly friendly with and would want her over night with. DD1 at the same age went to sleepovers because one of my closest friends has a daughter near the same age and I felt comfortable letting her stay there.

DD2 also stays with her sometimes.

I think seven is very young for sleepvers and it was only because I had a friend I knew really well and totally trusted that DD1 was allowed to go at that age.

It could be something similar. It was no reflection on any of the other children or parents, but I knew with my friend bedtime routines etc were similar and if there were any problems I could tell her easily.

youarekidding · 17/02/2012 13:13

I am confused. And YES I've read the thread.

This girl goes to other sleepovers or mum hosts them at her house (according to FB?) - or both!

Could it be the girl isn't ready to stay away yet and she doesn't invite your DD for one because they have such lovely quality time together already?

I have hosted the odd sleepover for other children (who are friends DC's but friends with my DS iyswim?) but wouldn't let him sleep over yet.

warthog · 17/02/2012 13:18

i don't think it's a silly thing to post about. it is hurtful when this sort of thing happens.

changeneeded · 17/02/2012 13:22

the child may be a bed wetter and only happy to disclose with certain friends, My DN is 10 and only has 2 children he trusts immensly over for sleep overs and only sleeps at sleeps at these 2 childrens houses. he would not want to stay or have other friends stay regardless of how friendly etc they are at school on tea visits. He has a very close circle of friends who he socialises well with but he would not want to have sleep overs. therefore they decline alot of sleep overs without saying the true reason.

warthog · 17/02/2012 13:37

that's a very good point, changeneeded.

NellyTheElephant · 17/02/2012 15:52

As others have said 7 is still very young for sleep overs. My DD1 is just 7. She has often stayed on her own with her cousins (so claims to her friends to have done LOADS of sleepovers), but in fact her first ever sleepover with a friend rather than family was this week. The friend she went to stay with has never been on a sleepover herself but desperately wanted my DD1 to stay with her so I agreed. DD1 was fine and loved it, but I have to say I am not overly keen to encourage her going on sleepovers mainly because I will feel obliged to have them back and to be honest I don't really want to host lots of small children overnight that much. It is really hard work! I have had one 7 yr old school friend come to 'stay' for a sleepover, but I had to call her mother to come and get her at 11pm as she wanted to go home (not ideal). My DD2, who has just turned 5, has been to stay with her best friend from school - mainly because we live absolutely miles from each other (both out in the sticks in opposite directions from the town that they go to school in), so play dates without staying are hard to manage. I had said 5 yr old friend back to stay the other day and that wore me out completely (what with the bouncing and shrieking, over excitement, occasional tears and general managing of someone else's small child), even though she was totally fine and slept well and showed no sign of wanting to go home.

I am totally fine with my nieces and nephews coming to stay, which they often do and there are also certain close friends of mine whose children I happily have to stay even though they are not actually family - they are sort of pseudo family, close personal friends. School friends though are a different matter, even though I may know and like / have coffee with the parents - maybe that is the distinction that you are coming up against. Within another year or so all this will fall away as by 8 or 9 I think children seem to often stay the odd night with friends.

flyingspaghettimonster · 17/02/2012 18:51

My DD is 8 and has had sleepovers since she turned 7 with one friend or at our house, but not with her other friend. This isn't because I trust them or like them less, but simply because they have an above ground pool that isn't adequately locked away from the kids... they mentioned their DD can unlock the door and get into garden to play before they wake up and I know I wouldn't sleep a wink for worrying the kids might try a sneaky swim. Admittedly I was more worried about this when they first started inviting as my daughter couldn't swim... they stopped inviting by the time I was more okay with it.

This same friend can never come to our sleep overs as she has seizures at night so her parents would worry to much.

There could be lots of reasons. Can you not ask and say your daughter was upset because she heard that sleepovers elsewhere were allowed? Maybe ask if there is something you can do to set dad's mind at ease?

FayKnights · 17/02/2012 19:00

Does she really go to other sleepovers though or is she just wanting to join in when the others are chatting about it? She may have bed wetting issues or night terrors.

FaithHopeAndKevin · 17/02/2012 19:06

Is it.something to do with you doing childcare for them, and they want to keep you for that? So Friday for a sleeper and Tuesday for childcare would be 'too much'?

rogersmellyonthetelly · 17/02/2012 19:23

I dunno, my kids have been having sleepovers at grandmas and aunties since they were tiny, but they have just had their first proper sleepover at a friends this month age 5 and 7. They stayed together and I am close friends with the friends mother so I was ok with it. For other friends I don't know so well I think they are still too young. It may be a bedwetting issue, or it may simply be that your house is too far to call and collect if needed or that the mother doesn't feel she knows you well enough yet.

FabbyChic · 17/02/2012 19:25

Id ask why she is allowed sleepovers elsewhere but not at yours, id be pretty pissed off to to be honest.

LondonMumsie · 17/02/2012 19:26

Was going to say what changeneeded said. In fact, have experienced exactly that - wondering why we were turned down when others weren't and then finally being told yes and the reasons explained. My son's friend was not happy to come to us as my daughter (much younger than him) did not bed wet. This didn't apply at other house's.

HillyWallaby · 17/02/2012 19:30

Some people are really, really funny about sleepovers. I've always had loads of them, and my kids have always gone to loads, but there have been friends who just won't be allowed to sleep over, ever - full stop.

I suppose they have their reasons, so just don't worry about it and invite someone else.

oldraver · 17/02/2012 19:31

it helps with friends mothers childcare arrangement and my part time work commitments means I can help out on a regular basis

Maybe she is just using you.

jubilee10 · 17/02/2012 19:44

My friend continually invited my ds (s/n - which my friend thought were a figment of my imagination) for a sleepover with her same age son. She would go on and on about it despite being told that he could be unsettled overnight. Eventually she asked him if he would like to stay and he agreed so I gave in and let him. He eventually fell asleep at 4am on the front door mat and she didn't dare go to bed in case he went out the door. Strangely enough she didn't ask again.

COCKadoodledooo · 17/02/2012 19:57

Ds1 has a best chum, arrangements here sound very much like yours are there. Ds1 has slept over at his chum's house several times, chum has never once slept over here. I have no doubts that it's exactly as his mum says, that he just doesn't feel ready/want to. One day he will, I'm sure.

AuntyKate · 17/02/2012 20:13

You seem to be on good terms with the mother, why not ask if she has concerns about the sleepover and try to get to the bottom of her anxiety.

I sometimes refused my children sleepovers for very minor reasons, sometimes a child said something or there was a feeling the parents drank heavily or were not reliable.

You also need to remember its never a good idea to push your point, if her husband is cited as the problem, just be grateful you are not unwittingly sending your daughter where she is not 100% welcome.

runningwilde · 17/02/2012 21:43

Dobyou have older children? Older sons?! I'm not saying it is right, but if you do, the dad may be uncomfortable because of that!

MommaJaz · 17/08/2017 19:50

I completely understand where you are coming from, but like a few other posters have said I would just suck it up and let it go & maybe find a relative close in age or another close friend for your little one to bond with instead. I am going through this as well with one of my husbands cousins. Said cousin always invites my 8 yr old over for sleepovers with her child who is also the same age, but she always declines our invitations with the excuse that her partner is not fond of their child sleeping out. I now say "excuse" because I initially had no issue with that as it Is their child and their right to make decisions thinking of their childs safety/comfort first, after all that is a parents job... but I began to feel different after overhearing a conversation btw this cousin with a school mom she had just met less than a year ago about allowing her child to spend the night at her house. In this conversation she accepted the other moms invitation for her child to attend right in my face, no hesitation, nothing about the fathers feelings towards it & suddenly it dawned on me that maybe my husbands cousin wasn't so fond of me like I thought. Oddly enough she still invites my child over to her place and always wants to go on playdates, but still if we reciprocate the invitations to go out or stay in she rejects us. I can't comprehend what the issue is but I decided it was best to not care or try anymore, as its clear that something btw us doesn't click. Also my child has voiced his feelings of feeling excluded when he wants to do something with his cousin and it honestly hurts me to know he feels this way. All in all for the sake of my child I've decided to ignore this cousin in every way now, makes me sad but it is what it is. There will always be people who will treat you different/ not appreciate you, and others who will do anything and everything for you/with you. Go where the love is.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 17/08/2017 19:52

Child is now 13 so I imagine they are over it.

grecian100 · 17/08/2017 20:28

OP you need to accept that for whatever reason they do not want their dd staying over with you so you should stop asking.

Redglitter · 17/08/2017 20:31

Since the OP posted 5 and a half years ago the matters probably resolved one-way or another

SingingSeuss · 17/08/2017 20:43

I agree with Grecian. Accept they don't want their kid sleeping at your house and don't ask again. It doesn't make her better friends with the kids she has sleepovers with and some people just don't want their kids sleeping over at lots of different peoples houses. Mine only sleep over at grandparents and very close friends (if we are also sleeping over) and I don't see that changing.

PandorasXbox · 17/08/2017 20:45

Why oh why do people bump years old threads

sadiemm2 · 17/08/2017 20:54

Oh my... I've just read yet another zombie thread I wonder if this ever was resolved. OP, do let us know....

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