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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to quit work to be a SAHM?

100 replies

SAHMwannabe · 02/02/2012 21:20

We have two children, and since the oldest was 3 months old I have worked full time, to provide for the children.

The agreement DH and I had was that he'd pay all the bills, and I'd pay my car, childcare and children's activities. Any money I had left over from my money went on holidays - this wasn't part of the agreement this was just the way it was.

Anyway oldest child is now in independent senior school (paid for by substantial scholarship and top up bursary, and I pay the minimal left over), and youngest child is going into prep school in September.

There is a substantial hike in fees from preprep to prep, and I was chatting to dh about this this evening. He has said he wants youngest to go to local state school (don't even know if they have space), and have the money for holidays etc.

I have said if we are not sending youngest to independent school, I am going to be SAHM parent, and be there for the children. I explained I wouldn't need car.

He's saying that I should carry on working to spend the money on extra curricular activities and holidays. I want to spend the time with the children.

If IABU about wanting to stop work and stay at home for the children, then tell me so. Part time work is not an option, I have asked my employer they have said no.

OP posts:
awomenscorned · 02/02/2012 21:23

YANBU to want to be SAHM. YABU to send one child and not the other when you can afford it.

Kayano · 02/02/2012 21:23

Errrr why? They will be at
School? Why does it matter which school they are at as to whether you work or not?

I don't understand that thinking at all?!

ChocolateIsAFoodGroup · 02/02/2012 21:23

Well, if you want to, and can afford it, then go for it, of course!

Personally (and I'm a SAHM to nearly 5 year old, nearly 2 year old and one in utero - does that count?!) I'm planning on re-entering the workplace when the youngest is in school; for me, I would get bored with 6 hours in the day with nowt to do (just me, not slamming anyone else's choices).

Have you thought how you might fill the time when they are in school?

awomenscorned · 02/02/2012 21:23

To private school that is.

AKissIsNotAContract · 02/02/2012 21:26

Why are you sending one child to private school and the other to state school? That seems like much more unreasonable decision than whether to be a SAHM.

grooveisintheheartahahahah · 02/02/2012 21:27

You've worked full time since your youngest was 3 months in order to pay for your car, childcare and children's activities?

But, the things your salary paid for would have been expendable had you have been a SAHM anyway?

Doesn't add up.

callmemrs · 02/02/2012 21:27

I don't really understand either.

If you want to be a SAHM and you have a partner who also thinks its a good thing and will support you, then go ahead. But which school your children go to is not really relevant. Personally I would be bored shitless not having a job while the kids are at school all day though

NinkyNonker · 02/02/2012 21:29

If the state school would be better for your child then yanbu to send him there and save the money for whatever you agree. If sending him there is just a cost cutting measure to allow your husband his hols then he is being unreasonable. Difficult one though on the giving up work, if all his money goes on the running of the house I could understand him wanting hols and not seeing the benefit in your staying at home when both kids are at school.

Original poster
SAHMwannabe · 02/02/2012 21:29

See DH says we can't afford it, as we can't have all the "luxuries" holidays.

Whereas I say we can afford it, re different reasons - independent dc is at school from 8.15-5.45 this makes work perfect. State school they would be there 9-3. I would collect and drop off, so would have the time available 9.30-2.30.

Never being SAHM maybe I am being unrealistic, but I see my day being taken up with washing, cleaning etc, errands, meeting other mums etc.

OP posts:
grooveisintheheartahahahah · 02/02/2012 21:29

"He's saying that I should carry on working to spend the money on extra curricular activities and holidays. I want to spend the time with the children."

That's the crux of it there. He wants to carry on spending your salary as you always have, you want to change how things are.

Mutt · 02/02/2012 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
SAHMwannabe · 02/02/2012 21:31

It is purely cost cutting measure, DH admits that the independent school is much better for our dc than the state school. But my working would be just paying the fees, and no holidays.

OP posts:
grooveisintheheartahahahah · 02/02/2012 21:32

"I want to spend the time with the children"

"Never being SAHM maybe I am being unrealistic, but I see my day being taken up with washing, cleaning etc, errands, meeting other mums etc."

I don't mean to be rude, but perhaps he's just seeing the vast contradictions in what you say you want to do and what you see yourself actually doing?

sponkle · 02/02/2012 21:33

fab name groove :)

Wafflepuss · 02/02/2012 21:34

You're going to need money for therapy sometime down the line when your younger dc realises you didn't want to pay for his education but were happy to fork out for his brother.

ChocolateIsAFoodGroup · 02/02/2012 21:34

SAHMwannabe as a full time SAHM to 2.4 children Grin the oldest of whom is not in school yet (live in America; school starts when they're 5), I can promise you I spend very little time washing/cleaning/errands/cooking etc (I home cook every night, btw, I just cook very, very simple things Grin).

Seriously, if I had all kids in school, I would so not have enough to do to fill 6 hours....

So, for me, I'm in the exact opposite situation to you: Once all the kids are in school full time, I'll be pounding the pavement job-searching!

I think your expectations of SAHM are unrealistic given that your kids will be in school - I really do think you will be bored.....

awomenscorned · 02/02/2012 21:34

As its a cost cutting exercise YABU, of course you shouldn't give up work and send DC2 to state school. Hmm

Mutt · 02/02/2012 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NinkyNonker · 02/02/2012 21:35

If all his money goes on running the house then I get him being reluctant to give up anything more interesting than essentials just for you to sit around at home with both kids at school. What is in it for him? Don't get me wrong, I am a SAHM to an 18 month old and if both parties agree then cool for one being at home when kids are at school, but otherwise you would be being unfair. It has to be a joint decision.

Essentially you are saying you are happy for one son to receive potentially a less selective education (you haven't said if there is anything behind this decision other than finances?) so that you can sit at home and potter and see other mothers.

Original poster
SAHMwannabe · 02/02/2012 21:36

Groove I'd have the time from 3-5.45 that I haven't previously had with the children, and I said to him, that I would like to be able to have dinner ready for when family get home, and the washing done, and put away, and the house clean and tidy, unlike the hovel that I find myself cleaning at weekends, and cooking dinner at 7.30/8 at night.

OP posts:
Kayano · 02/02/2012 21:36

You might get a couple of hours with one of your children but honestly don't see the point.

Maybe he also enjoys spending time and having holidays with the children and thinks why do you get extra time and I don't?

If he works constantly he probably really enjoys his holiday family time and I withdraw that option completely because of a school issue is probably annoying hin

awomenscorned · 02/02/2012 21:37

choc you think that now, wahahaha Grin

awomenscorned · 02/02/2012 21:38

Get thee to work.

redskyatnight · 02/02/2012 21:38

If your salary currently pays towards DS1's fees, can you even afford to do this? What if the fees go up (which they doubtless will)?

NinkyNonker · 02/02/2012 21:38

Slow post, sorry. You are both being unreasonable. You should keep working and both kids get the same opportunities, holidays or not. Otherwise why send one? If money is so important or tight, pull the other one out too.

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