to quit work to be a SAHM?

[SAHMwannabe]

We have two children, and since the oldest was 3 months old I have worked full time, to provide for the children.

The agreement DH and I had was that he'd pay all the bills, and I'd pay my car, childcare and children's activities. Any money I had left over from my money went on holidays - this wasn't part of the agreement this was just the way it was.

Anyway oldest child is now in independent senior school (paid for by substantial scholarship and top up bursary, and I pay the minimal left over), and youngest child is going into prep school in September.

There is a substantial hike in fees from preprep to prep, and I was chatting to dh about this this evening. He has said he wants youngest to go to local state school (don't even know if they have space), and have the money for holidays etc.

I have said if we are not sending youngest to independent school, I am going to be SAHM parent, and be there for the children. I explained I wouldn't need car.

He's saying that I should carry on working to spend the money on extra curricular activities and holidays. I want to spend the time with the children.

If IABU about wanting to stop work and stay at home for the children, then tell me so. Part time work is not an option, I have asked my employer they have said no.

I work with someone who went to state school whilst her sibling went private. She resents it hugely and it has affected her relationship with her parents. You just can't send one child to private school and the other not, if you can afford to send them both. Think your dh is being ridiculous about this - how does he think it will affect your ds?

But Schmee, in that case the dh could say the same surely? He has to keep working (presumably he too has worked since, and before the child was 3 months? ) to fund the household, if you want to get picky about who works for what surely the OP has responsibility for half of the cost or running the house? Being female doesn't automatically mean you have an opt out.

So, essentially, to.your husband, holidays are more important than giving your children equal opportunities?

I think a big discussion is needed regarding the way the house works and finances are shared.

But your domestic work split needs adjusting!

YANBU

Although what's with the "DH pays for x, I pay for y"? Business all about? Surely it's one family, one pot of money?

If your daughter is 16 she only has a couple of years at school left. Can't you just forgo the holidays for a couple of years. You don't have to fund university.

The problem here is that your DH has a very odd attitude to money. The last thing you want to do with a man like this is give up your financial independence. Why would you want to be dependent him when his attitude is so weird?

So your DH wants you both to continue to work so that you can take nice holidays?
And he wants you to both work, but you to do the lions share of the chores and child rearing?

Hmmmm....

Not quibbling about what works for other folks but just want to say that being a housewife (that's the way I think of myself, DC is at school) is not automatic boredom for everyone. I can fill 6 hours and a darn sight more easily - housework, cooking, baking, laundry, DIY, Gardening, menagerie care, finances, shopping (a lot of shopping around), volunteer work plus a few hours a week working at my DC's school.

SAHM wanabee, I found that I could save as much as I could earn after pre/post school and holiday childcare plus travel and wardrobe expenses, so you may find you can squeeze more out of what you have. In return there is always someone to take DC to school, pick them up, be there in holidays, when they are sick etc. This is not what I expected to be doing but it works for us and I'm not bored and not twiddling my thumbs. Essentially I put as many "work" hours into our life as my DH does with the plus (in my opinion)that I'm rarely doing laundry at 11pm these days.

However I aknowledge that we are lucky, we can manage with fair comfort if not style on one wage (small mortgage).

Maybe it could work for you, maybe it wouldn't, differnt strokes for different folks but whatever you do, you and your DH need to be on the same page.

I'd sort out the current house work, child care balance before deciding anything. No wonder he doesn't want you to give up, it's a win win for him atm.

I see what you're saying about the eldest got the 'cash', the youngest gets the time... I kind of have two questions, either/both may be impertinent so don't feel obliged to answer!

1. What does your DH do when not at work, if it's not helping with kids/house?

2. How did you get a bursary with both parents in FT work?

I was also going to say being an SAHM with kids at school can be really good with going into school to help out and do activities and things. Oh, unless that's your idea of hell, in which case - don't do that.

I agree with Goolash. It sounds like your DH is onto a good thing at the moment; you working to fund the luxuries he wants, you doing all household chores, and him being able to order you around and tell you what you can and cannot do.

Like Goolash said, sort out the current situation before sorting out the SAHM/work/school thing

Why are you not answering the question about sending one private and one state?! This seems very unfair on the one you will be sending to the state school. If I were your child I would be very pissed off to know my sibling is at private school but I at state school so my family can afford luxuries. You can't have one at private and one at state - it is very unfair

I have to say I disagree with those that think that it's unfair if the OP has one at private school and one at state school. Circumstances do change, and I think with a big age gap as the OP has between children, as adults the children will be mindful of that.

I understand, OP. You have worked really hard and done the housework outside of working hours, and now feeling resentful that he wants you to still do that but not spend the money on DS's schooling but on holidays? And you'd rather if that were the case stay at home and spend your time with him? I am not sure if YABU or not, but I do understand. You and I have slightly different problems but the sentiment is the same. My DS goes to state school, and my DD is 2. Family childcare is not working (bit unreliable) but paying for day nursery would make it seem less worthwhile in terms of profit made vs stress and lack of time with the children. DP (like yours) does nothing around the house and nothing with the kids bar put a DVD on for them, and I am doubting I can change him that much so end up doing everything but go to work. I want to be a SAHM but DP wants me to work as he sees it as 'lazy'. He doesn't understand the effort involved in getting my DFamily to watch DD for one day. He doesn't realise that being home a lot this past few months has been making family life much better and the £40 or less 'profit' I would make a couple of days a week does not make it worthwhile.

Maybe you could point out the benefits to your DP of you being a SAHM? And your point that you were happy to work your backside off (to put it bluntly) when your children were benefitting, but not when it's to pay for big holidays while your DS attends state school?
PS. If nothing else you need to pull him up on the inequality in housework if you carry on working. It's one thing doing it all if you are a SAHM but it is having a laugh if he's doing that little and you work more hours as you say.

WyrdMother, I agree that it doesn't automatically mean boredom. I used to have no problems keeping busy and entertained as a SAHM of school age kids. It was really nice to have weekends and evenings free and not have the stress of sick children, school holidays, getting children to clubs like
cubs.

I remember working with someone years ago who had a young child, it was her decision to work when he was little and then give up when he started school. She wanted him to come home after school and have long summer days at home, now I can now understand her thinking. I don't think it's necessarily daft to become a SAHM when your children go to school. I'm now happily back at work but my children do miss getting home before 4

Whatever works but any decision has to be joint. if a dp already happily let's their partner be responsible for most of the house and child related drudge when they both work full time. Then talks about his and her money? Id be worried about how attitudes may develop towards the SAHM.

As other posters have said, your DH is having a laugh if he thinks it's ok for you to do all the housework and childcare and work FT just because he earns more. That definitely needs sorting out one way or another, so I can sympathise with your 'well I'll just be a SAHM then' strop. Is part time an option so you can spend the time with your DS and not have to pay for after school childcare?

Also weird approach to dividing up the finances. Seems very odd. Having said that, I guess that 'holidays v working hours v school fees' is a fairly common dilemma. If the two of you disagree on this then you need to deal with it the same way as everyone else, ie sit down and talk about it, with the figures in front of you, and try to come up with an agreement (or at least a compromise).

I would usually say you shouldn't send one DC to state school and another to private unless you really can't afford it, but in this case it may be ok because of the age gap so less opportunity for direct comparison.

Why the fuck are you doing all the cooking and cleaning if he works fewer hours than you?

In an equal partnership earning more money doesn't buy you more leisure time than the lower earning partner. It shouldn't work like that. And you shouldn't stand for it.

YANBU I think you will be happier and therefore your children and husband will be too. You will just end up becoming resentful if things do not change. He either supports you more with the children and home or you give work up to concentrate on the kids and housework.

I think I'm with those who say its unwise to send one to private and one to state. It could breed a lot of resentment from both. I know because I went to state school and my brother went to private.

My brother went to the private school because most of his friends were and he was starting to get into trouble in the local comp... fair enough, my folks did what they thought was best.

Thing is, most of MY friends also went to the private school, and I was getting bullied and was utterly miserable, but was told that private wasn't an option as they just couldn't afford it (fair enough), so I muddled through and they eventually helped me sort things at the local comp... the resentment festers though as we did have to sacrife family holidays for my brother's education, he hated it too as the private school seriously messed him up.

Much as I see my parent's logic NOW, back then it created massive issues.

If you want to be a SAHM, I would suggest the only compromise open to you that's fair is to send BOTH children to state school and then you'll have a bit of money for the ocassional holiday.

I am going to make a massive assumption here...

Is your DD not his child? Is he her SD, and therefore could not say how she was educated, but he has a say in DS' education?

I cannot otherwise see why your money is divided in this way, unless he came along after 1st child.

Only you know your DS- is the state school good? Is he a child who needs his mum there after school? If it's what DS needs, then you should do it, but if he's happy with the situation at present, then there is no way I think you could send him state when DD has been private. There is too much chance of resentment.

Whilst I agree with the inequality thing between children there is a big age gap between children - when DS was born DD was just about to start secondary school. People's finances do change over 10 years - and I think we all realise that in the last 10 years prices have gone up (and school fees especially so) much more than wages.

At the point where DS was born OP's family could afford private school for one, childcare for the other and the lifestyle they wanted (including holidays).

6 years later they are in the position that they cannot afford both children in private school and the lifestyle they want. DH wants to compromise on school fees, OP on lifestyle. I actually think that taking DS out of private school because of the change in circumstances is ok. No one would be saying they must keep DS in private school if they genuinely couldn't afford it.

OP - have you considered looking for another part time job so that you earn "something" but still see your DS after school at least sometimes? You might find that more rewarding than full time SAHM.

Also I'd say it might be worth considering continuing to work, putting DS in state school for the the next 4 years and putting some money aside for private secondary - this would give you holiday money for now and the means to give him the same private education as his sister.

How much money do you make atm? Doing what? could you e.g. Freelance? Or take on a TA job?

Yup, you are being unreasonable.

A couple of years ago Mrs PD unilaterally decided to quit her £65k job to be SAHM (DCs were in Year 5 at the time). She recently went back to work but only because we decided to go Indie for Year 7 and we needed two incomes for that.

It is going to be £25k a year up to 6 Form and then there is University. It would have been nice if we had banked £65k x 2 years as a safety net. As it is, what with the talk about a double-dip recession, I spend a lot of time worrying about the family finances.

If she wanted to take time off to get her Masters then I would be cool with that. If DCs were toddlers at the time then I would be cool with that. But to spend two years watching Jeremy Kyle, cooking programs, afternoon soaps etc.

I kept this secret from my mum for the two years. As a young mum she laboured in the fields with the youngest strapped to her back. Needless to say, mum wasn't going to very complimentary about my young heathy mother of year 5 kids quitting to be a SAHM.

what difference doe,s it make to be a SAHM if your child did go to a state school, and all of the others diden,t go to a state school what difference would it make and why the sudden change?