to quit work to be a SAHM?

[SAHMwannabe]

We have two children, and since the oldest was 3 months old I have worked full time, to provide for the children.

The agreement DH and I had was that he'd pay all the bills, and I'd pay my car, childcare and children's activities. Any money I had left over from my money went on holidays - this wasn't part of the agreement this was just the way it was.

Anyway oldest child is now in independent senior school (paid for by substantial scholarship and top up bursary, and I pay the minimal left over), and youngest child is going into prep school in September.

There is a substantial hike in fees from preprep to prep, and I was chatting to dh about this this evening. He has said he wants youngest to go to local state school (don't even know if they have space), and have the money for holidays etc.

I have said if we are not sending youngest to independent school, I am going to be SAHM parent, and be there for the children. I explained I wouldn't need car.

He's saying that I should carry on working to spend the money on extra curricular activities and holidays. I want to spend the time with the children.

If IABU about wanting to stop work and stay at home for the children, then tell me so. Part time work is not an option, I have asked my employer they have said no.

[lostboysfallin]

Do you know anything about your local state school? That seems to be low on the agenda. Will you even be able to get in. Cutoff here is January.

[kerstina]

Pushy dad it sounds like you are too worried about what your mother thinks. It is your and your wife's choice how you live your life. Are you making assumptions about what your wife did with her time ? Just hope you are doing your fair share with the kids and home. Glad you are not my DP

[wordfactory]

What reason did she give for quitting pushydad?

[TimothyClaypoleLover]

Adversecamber - Snap! My DH was sent to private school and SIL (2 years younger) was not. Although SIL is lovely she is still massively resentful of the fact and always thinks DH is golden child.

SAHMWannabe, initially I though sending only your oldest to private was wrong. however given that she is 16, at critical time in education and will not be in school much longer I don't think it would be fair to pull her out now. And as your DS is only 6 he will not really care/understand as there is such a big age gap rather than a couple of years.

If you want to be SAHM then if you can afford to do so, do it. Although obviously you will have to forsake certain luxuries. However, it seems to me that you and your DH have very different views on all sorts of issues and I am amazed they have only just come up now given the age of your kids. I am about to be a SAHM and DH and I have always been on similar wavelength. He is happy for me to be SAHM so long as I give up my dream of living in a mansion. I can live with that for the sake of being at home for the kids.

[WyrdMother]

PushyDad When I was made redundant, after we'd looked at all the figures, availability of work etc and realised that a job that would cover all the outgoings associated with it with enough left over tomake it worth while was a rare beast I went self employed, started a small cleaning business and did jobs where they didn't mind me taking my DC along.

Now I work a small number of hours at the local school, have a lot of time at home but somehow never have time to sit watching daytime soaps, Jeremy Kyle or cooking programmes. In fact the tele is rarely on during the day. (This is my lunch break btw, note that it is nearly 3.30, busy day).

I do occasionally watch crime shows or shoot em up movies of the Die Hard variety while doing the ironing.

Whatever your wife was doing that isn't necessarily what every SAH will be doing and not everyones finances work in the same way. Not saying SAHMwanabee should or shouldn't be a SAH, just that it can work fairly for some families.

[PushyDad]

The wife is a techie but a client was so impressed that he hired her as a manager. Knowing her personality as I do, I knew she wouldnt like the politics that comes with the job and I told her so. She spent years being a pleb, albeit a well paid one, so she fancied the idea of being a manager.

Well, MN forum is full of plonker/power crazy boss stories so you can imagine what she went through. She got to a point where the money wasnt worth the stress so she quit.

As for 'assuming' that she spent her free time watching tv that was what she told me she did. To be fair to her, she spent most of her life studying and then working. Apart from 9 months maternity leave she had been working non-stop.

Before you get too carried away with playing Supportive Girlfriend versus bastard of a husband, she envied the SAHMs at our school who seem to lead a brain dead life where having a good gossip/bitch at the school gate was the highlight of their day :) She fancied a bit of that after all the stress of having a job.

As you can see, Mrs PD share the same 'endearing' traits :)

[HappyMummyOfOne]

I think its very unfair your eldest gets the private education but your youngest doesnt. How will you explain that to him when he's older?

Your partner has to agree to you being a SAHM given you expect him to provide for you. Stopping working when a child is going to be out at school for many hours a day seems madness. Look for a part time job if you both agree that the household income can take the cut.

[jellybeans]

Yanbu. I have been a SAHM since DD2 and love it. I have another toddler now, but before him they were all at school and I was still always busy! Seeing friends, housework, studying and helping in school. Also, my DH has his days off in the week so we did 'weekend' stuff then like decorating or shopping or just days out. I feel able to be 'closer' to my kids since quitting full time (although part time was quite nice but not an option with DH's job hours) and it is great not worrying about snow/sick days etc. It enables DH to do his job with changing shifts. It also saves money as we share a car and have no childcare or work expenses. I have never been bored either!

[TimothyClaypoleLover]

Mutt - If financial circumstances change and you cannot afford to send DC2 to private school then what are you supposed to do? I agree that siblings of a similar age would resent it like hell, my SIL does as DH was sent private. Just (maybe mistakenly) assumed that because of the big age gap OP's DS will not be aware that his sister went to private school unless parents and sister make a big song and dance about it for the rest of his school life.

I think OP needs to put forward a case for just stopping work as DH obviously doesn't want her to unless she sacrifices certain things which she doesn't want to and there needs to be some compromise. OP, why have you decided to become SAHM now rather than when kids were younger? Just interested as obviously with them both being at school now and your DD being 16, it is not the same argument that could be put forward for having preschool age kids.

[callmemrs]

Pushydad- YABU to talk of sending your kids to 'indie' school. It isn't some cool, edgy thing- tell it like it is, it's private school!

[TimothyClaypoleLover]

OK, Mutt, see where you are coming from. That is why I think OP needs to have some sort of case for why she wants to be SAHM so her family and others can see exactly where she is coming from. She obviously doesn't need to justify to anyone why but her DH needs to know why and it sounds like he doesn't.

[Pixieonthemoor]

Sorry - can I just get this straight - if you work you can send both to private school but your dh fancies some nice hols so he wants to send no 2 to a state school??????? And you want to be a SAHM on this basis???????? Surely it should be both or neither in private. To treat them differently is an utter disgrace.

[PushyDad]

callmemrs - You do know that private schools are often referred to as independants or Indies for short?

It is a commonly used term in the forums as opposed to me trying to sound cool. Jeeze. If you are going to flame someone then not sounding like an idiot while you are doing it is a good 1st step.

[PushyDad]

DS got allocated a so-so state school so when he got awarded a scholarship at a leading indie, accepting it was a no-brainer.

DD was also awarded a scholarship at an indie but she was also allocated a place at a good all-girls state school.

Like the OP, we considered going indie with just the one DC. We asked a mum for advice and she said what is DD gonna think when DS comes home and talks about his science class is heading off to CERN, home of the super collider or how his school orchestra is performing at the Barbican in London?

It took us 24hrs to decide to send both to indie.

In 2011 visting my MIL in Devon was our 'holiday'. Prob will be again in 2012. We recently spent £2k on a 7 yr old car coz thats all we could afford.

Do we/I regret the decision to go indie with DD even though she got allocated a good state school? Not at all.

[whoneedssleepanyway]

Why does everyone feel the need to comment on the choices the OP is making regarding her DCs education, she hasn't asked if they WBU to send one to private and one to state. Maybe the younger one wouldn't get a scholarship like the older one has, maybe the state is more suited to that DC...whatever, she has asked AIBU to want to be at home with my children.

No OP YABU to want that, I would love to be able to be at home, drop my kids at school every day and pick them up at 3:30 rather than dumping them in after school club and breakfast club.

But I think you need to reach a compromise with your DP if he doesn't think you should do this as you don't want to end up resenting each other for making a decision the other one doesn't agree with.

Can you perhaps look for a part time job somewhere else if you current employer won't accommodate this?

[ZhenThereWereTwo]

If you can't afford the holidays you want then put both kids in state school and work. Once they are both school age you will only be seeing them a few hours a day extra anyway and the money you save could be spent on those family holidays and doing more extra-curricular activities with them out of working hours. Most schools now do a breakfast club and after school club that covers 8am-5.30/6pm.

[PushyDad]

who - I am addressing the question of sending one or both DC to indie because that is the subtext of the OPs post.

ie be stay at home home, send DC2 to state school, have nicer holidays.

[whoneedssleepanyway]

I agree it is relevant to the thread, but why do people feel the need to be so judgemental about the education choices.

Is it so bad to put one child in the state sector so the family as a whole can benefit from certain luxuries and enjoy holidays etc...I can't imagine that the OP's DH would be happy with this if he thought he was massively compromising DC2's education so where is the problem. DC1 has a scholarship....maybe DC2 wouldn't get one.

I think people are so ready to jump on their high horses about it being a disgrace that the OP should even consider this and whilst this is an extreme example it is impossible to treat 2 children exactly the same. For example my sister had DC1 when she was living in the USA so her DS has 2 passports US and UK, she wants a 2nd child should she stay living in the USA just so that child could have the same opportunity, of course not, she will do what is right for the family.

I think people are being very judgemental of the OP here.

[FetchezLaVache]

I still can't get over the fact you do the lion's share of the housework and childcare when your husband works fewer hours than you! TBH I think that needs addressing. I think as an absolute minimum compromise, if you keep working then your DH needs to pay someone to do his share of the housework, because it's utterly unfair and I can totally see why you'd want to be a SAHM, just to keep on top of it all.

I also completely agree with the posters who warn against allowing yourself to become financially dependent on this man.

[PushyDad]

"I think people are being very judgemental of the OP here"

The forum is called 'Am I being unreasonable?' If the OP does not want to hear anything negative then she should post to the forum 'I don't want your opinion. I just want to rant'.

Note to MN Webmaster - How about such a forum for posters who just want supportive replies?