to quit work to be a SAHM?

[SAHMwannabe]

We have two children, and since the oldest was 3 months old I have worked full time, to provide for the children.

The agreement DH and I had was that he'd pay all the bills, and I'd pay my car, childcare and children's activities. Any money I had left over from my money went on holidays - this wasn't part of the agreement this was just the way it was.

Anyway oldest child is now in independent senior school (paid for by substantial scholarship and top up bursary, and I pay the minimal left over), and youngest child is going into prep school in September.

There is a substantial hike in fees from preprep to prep, and I was chatting to dh about this this evening. He has said he wants youngest to go to local state school (don't even know if they have space), and have the money for holidays etc.

I have said if we are not sending youngest to independent school, I am going to be SAHM parent, and be there for the children. I explained I wouldn't need car.

He's saying that I should carry on working to spend the money on extra curricular activities and holidays. I want to spend the time with the children.

If IABU about wanting to stop work and stay at home for the children, then tell me so. Part time work is not an option, I have asked my employer they have said no.

[Wafflepuss]

Just get a cleaner for a few hours per week then. Job done.

[awomenscorned]

Agree with ninky.

[SAHMwannabe]

Maybe I'm throwing toys out the pram, he has effectively said that due to the additional cost of dc going to prep school, it's a no to prep school, and he'll have to go to state.

It's not that we couldn't afford to send him to prep, I just wouldn't be able to fund the holidays and pay the extra for prep.

So I've said right I'm not sending him to state, and work all these hours, and get home in time to cook dinner read and get him into bed, with no additional benefit to his education or long term development/prospects, therefore I'm going to be a SAHM so that I can spend the afternoons with him.

I'm also aware of the disparity, between the kids, because as much as the youngest can moan that they didn't get the money spent on the education, the elder one can moan that they never got the time at home.

[squeakytoy]

If the kids are going to be at school, then you can get a part time job.

[AKissIsNotAContract]

So how old is the dc at senior school? Are they boys or girls?

[ChocolateIsAFoodGroup]

awomenscorned you mean I should go to work now and escape the children while I still can?! You may have a point! (Though they're being so lovely today it's all I can do to keep myself from eating them.....)

[awomenscorned]

Ahh ok, well I think you pull eldest out or send them both. Your dh is being a knob. Could you afford a week in a caravan?

[ceeveebee]

I find it very odd that you keep your money so seperately. It doesn't seem like a healthy way to run a marriage. Will you find it hard to have to ask your DH for money once you give up work?

Also, I wonder whether you aren't just planning to give up work to "spite" your DH? Did the conversation go something like this:

DH: "we should send DS2 to state school to save money"
OP: "well in that case I will give up work"?

[SAHMwannabe]

16 year old girl, 6 year old boy. Girl only has 18mths left, won't pull her out, and very little change in her fees, due to bursary, scholarship being %s. I can save her amount, for final year before stopping work.

[SnapSnafu]

It's a lonely life being a SAHM when your kids aren't toddlers. Most other mums work, so the coffee thing is rare, and pretty boring once you have little else in your life to chat about (apart from your kids, yawn). It doesn't have to be either or, you could look for a different part-time job, in a different field if necessary.

I am staying on top of household things better now that I'm working than when I was SAHM with kids at school, because I am motivated, and enthusiastic about life. Housework is something to fit in round your life, it's not the stuff life is made of, imho.

[awomenscorned]

choc No,no just think 3 steps the housework up somewhat.

[SAHMwannabe]

Might have ceeveebee [sheepish]

[Kayano]

I sort of get the spite thing coming across too tbh

[awomenscorned]

Yes op I think tommorrow's a new day but your dh is a twit.

[ChocolateIsAFoodGroup]

Ah! awomenscorned methinks I am in De. Nile. about how No. 3 will change my life!

SAHMwannabe it sounds like P/T might be the way to go if you want more downtime in the evening to prep for the next day, plus a more relaxed way of life? But to give up work entirely? Really? Don't do it; the kids are older now - I think you would find your life focusing too much inwards with all that extra time on your hands....

[NinkyNonker]

I see your point in a tit for tat type way, but I think you would both be being unreasonable to create such disparity between your children purely for finances.

[schmee]

YANBU not to want to work (and be away from your children) in order to fund the holidays that your husband wants. I think that's what you are asking.

As to whether you will be bored or not, only you know the answer to that. As my mother used to say "only boring people are bored" so I don't think that's necessarily an argument to say that you should stay working. I don't think you were asking about this though.

It's not reasonable of your husband to dictate that you should earn for holidays (his priority) and not for your child's education (presumably your priority).

You also sound like you think you are due a break having worked since the oldest was 3 months old. You may be right. It sounds like you are working without control over how to spend that money which doesn't seem right.

[cruelladepoppins]

OP, is this also to do with you not being entirely happy with the way the house is run right now? If you were a SAHM the house would be run better? If you were a SAHM you would appreciate extra time with your children rather than running all the time to stand still? Are you happy with the way you and DH share the running of the house - or not? Would you feel better able to work if DH took on some of the responsibility?

Could you use some leverage on your DH along lines of "One of the reasons I want to stop work is so the house doesn't get on my nerves so much. Suppose we try a new regime - you do x,y and z, I will stay at work for now and see how we get on?"

I see where people are coming from on the education front - I knew a family of 4 where the 2 boys were sent to private school and the 2 girls went to local state schools, and I felt it was Not Right - it sent a message to the girls (and everyone else) that they were not as important as their brothers. Not saying that's the case, just that's the impression it gives.

I have opposite problem on the work front - I work full-time, DH is always suggesting I go down to 4 days a week, but I know I would just spend the extra day doing housework and frankly I prefer my job!

Good luck.

[MrsWuh]

Could you send the youngest to state primary school, and then transfer him to independent senior school at age 11? It sounds as if there's quite a age gap there, so you wouldn't have to fund two lots of fees at the same time (or not for long anyway) and then the youngest can't ultimately complain that he missed out on an expensive education.

Must admit, I really don't see the point of starting to be a SAHM now they're both at school.

[awomenscorned]

Choc, it will be fab, in fact can I tell you a secret? We're trying for no.4. Shhhhh

[AKissIsNotAContract]

Interesting that it's the girl who got the private education over the boy. This is what my parents did too - my sister and I were sent to private school and both my brothers to state. It has caused such a rift in our family - different outlooks, different accents. There is a lot of resentment.

[ChocolateIsAFoodGroup]

awomenscorned I'll keep your secret if you keep mine (no one IRL knows I'm preg)



Right; off to have a pregnancy-induced nap (nap time in US, not bonkers, really....)

[SAHMwannabe]

It's true I'm not happy with the house, I am always tired, DH works less hours I do, but gets paid (alot) more money than I do, but I have to do all the childcare, running to school, dc's teacher made a point yesterday to dh, that this was the first time they had met. It's only February, what's 6 months!!

Plus all cooking, cleaning (when I do it), washing, ironing when I do it is all my responsibility. As I go out to work for the children and not due to paying the bills.

Well fine, I'm not going out to work for the children, as the youngest's education doesn't need paying for, so I'll be at home to do all the chores, and attend assemblies etc.

[awomenscorned]

He's a catch.