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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my friend may be right?

103 replies

JaneFonda · 19/10/2011 17:20

For those of you who don't know, I gave birth to gorgeous twin girls (Grace and Poppy), in August, and they were premature.

Since then, it has been very much a rollercoaster ride, they've both had their setbacks and are still in hospital, but we're hoping things will be fine.

The thing is, today I was talking to my friend whose DS was also premature last year, and she has been incredibly supportive, except for today when she suggested that maybe Grace and Poppy were so ill because of me. She said that she had done everything 'right' during pregnancy which is why her DS improved really quickly, but my DDs aren't doing so well so it was probably down to how I 'behaved' when I was pregnant with them.

I feel utterly awful. I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was around 5 months gone, so I had been drinking occasionally, hadn't taken folic acid, eaten seafood etc. AIBU to think that maybe it IS my fault? :(

OP posts:
Sirzy · 19/10/2011 17:22

Your friend is talking bollocks.

Different children recover from things at different rates. Dont worry about what you did or didn't do just look forward to watching your children grow!

marianhalcombe · 19/10/2011 17:22

What an awful thing to say to you.

She is really your friend?

I can't imagine how she could think that was a remotely appropriate or even accurate thing to say.

purplewerepidj · 19/10/2011 17:24

What a bitch!

ScarahStratton · 19/10/2011 17:24

What a shitty thing to say. And absolute bollocks. Not much of a friend, is she usually so blunt and ignorant?

squeakyfreakytoy · 19/10/2011 17:24

Dont blame yourself, because there is nothing that you can do even if it was due to anything you did before you knew you were pregnant.

Many mothers do not know they are pregnant until 3 or 4 months, and have been doing all the things you did, but give birth to healthy babies. Many mothers who have been preparing for pregnancy for months prior to the conception, and followed every bit of advice can have babies who are premature and poorly.

Dont beat yourself up over something that you can do absolutey nothing about, and could not have done anything about. You didnt know you were pregnant.

And good news that the babies are doing well now :)

HauntyMython · 19/10/2011 17:24

What an utterly disgusting thing to say. I can't believe a friend would even say that :(

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 19/10/2011 17:24

What a cow.

Don't listen to her. God knows why she wants to hurt you like this when you have both been through the same thing, but don't listen to her!

It is NOT your fault.

do you feel strong enough to tell her that she's upset you?

PandorasSocks · 19/10/2011 17:24

She's talking utter shite and obviously has issues.

Ignore her.

ChrissasMissis · 19/10/2011 17:25

What a thoughtless thing to say! I wouldn't pay any attention to her. My parents generation had completely differing attitudes to pre and post-natal care and managed to produce perfectly healthy children (as my mother keeps reminiding me when I am deemed to be "precious" about things...). Every pregnancy, every baby and every mother are different!

franjipani · 19/10/2011 17:25

Hmmm, she sounds nice! I don't know much at all about premature babies but aren't twins more likely to be prem? Unless she is medically qualified with suitable experience, I'd hope she was just being insensitive and a bit thick. Enjoy your family and don't let her ridiculous assertion upset you.

Sure someone will have come along with something far more useful whilst I'm posting.

Bunbaker · 19/10/2011 17:25

What a dreadful thing to say. I can't believe anyone would do that.

fuckityfuckfuckfuck · 19/10/2011 17:26

Well she's just being nasty. But to get to 5 months with twins and not know?? You must have stomach muscles of steel Grin

exexpat · 19/10/2011 17:26

You have premature twins, and she had a premature singleton, and she thinks any difference in outcome must be to do with what you ate/drank/did in early pregnancy? How stupid is she?

ditavonteesed · 19/10/2011 17:27

how very fucking dare your friend say that. it is nothing you did and nothing that can be changed, for a start you have twins, they are more likely to have problems. you keep strong for your girls.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 19/10/2011 17:27
Shock

This is not a friend. Why on earth did she feel that it would be helpful, productive or even just plain kind to say something like this? Millions of women for generation upon generation have found themselves pregnant after they've eaten all sorts of stuff washed down with copious amounts of alcohol (sorry, DC3!) and their babies have been born perfectly healthy. Whatever the reason for your DCs being born prematurely and still in hospital, I'm willing to bet money that it isn't due to seafood.

Can you discuss this with your consultant, just to put your mind at ease? Oh, and in the meantime, tell you friend to "do one", as they say - in the nicest possible way, of course Grin

Congratulations on the birth of Grace and Poppy (gorgeous names btw!) - you must be thrilled Smile

gothicangel · 19/10/2011 17:28

your friend is a twat (sorry)

but thats a horrid and very evil thing to say, and so untrue,

hope your ok and your twins get better soon x

Likesshinythings · 19/10/2011 17:29

The only unreasonable one in this situation is your friend. Even if it was likely that your "behaviour" was to blame (which it isn't, I'm sure) she has no business saying something so hurtful and rude. As a mother herself she should know better.
Hope your girls are on the mend and home soon.

valiumredhead · 19/10/2011 17:30

What an utterly thoughtless thing to say! I am horrified - doesn't sound like a very nice friend to me. I also think she is talking bollocks.

Hope the twins improve and are home very quickly, my boy was 8 weeks prem and I remember who horribly stressful it was :) x

LaurieFairyCake · 19/10/2011 17:30

Quite simply even if it was true (which is impossible to tell) then she should have kept her mouth shut as you can't do anything about it now.

There are some things you don't wonder out loud.

She clearly was missing her filter today.

BadNails · 19/10/2011 17:31

That's an incredibly shitty thing to say to you. Send her my way and maybe she can tell me why I'm laid up in bed doing my best to hold my baby in when I did the whole folic acid, no drinking, no smoking, avoiding all my favourites food stuff since she is such a fucking expert.

Angry Sorry, perhaps I'm taking it a little too personally.

JaneFonda - you were already at risk of a premature labour with twins and believe everyone here when they say your 'friend' is a gobshite. It was not your fault.

You and your twins are in my thoughts and I hope you get to take them home soon.

diddl · 19/10/2011 17:31

To coin a phrase I would say that it´s the "luck of the draw".

My PFB was pre 30 weeks, very small for his dates and was out of hospital before his due date.

Funnily enough, girls did seem to take longer to recover and those born 32-34 wks.

Tiredprobably · 19/10/2011 17:32

All the things you did before you knew you were pregnant would have shown their affects by now like fetal alcohol syndrome or mid line defects from lack of folic acid, unless they have been diagnosed with any of those things then none of it could be helped. Babies premature or otherwise do things at their own rate, your friend is silly to suggest otherwise! Congratuations on your beautiful babies.

PhilipJFry · 19/10/2011 17:33

Agreeing with everyone else who's saying your friend is massively out of line. And that's the restrained version (personally I think she's a complete fucking twat for saying such a horrible thing).

I'm betting she isn't a doctor or expert and knows NOTHING about your twin's medical situation. Her suggestion is ridiculous.

WhoWhoWhoWho · 19/10/2011 17:33

I am so shocked at this - particularly as she has herself has had a premie!

My sister's little boy was born premature last year and was in hospital for a long time. It was a dark scary time for her and the family. She had a perfectly healthy pg, her 4th in fact, she did nothing differently than with her other 3 dcs.

Sometimes these things just happen.

This 'friend' Hmm is a thoughtless insensitive BITCH to say such an awul thing to you.

MrSpoc · 19/10/2011 17:33

Your friend is a TWAT and is actually not a FRIEND.

It is well known that twins are more prone to being premiture. I am sure you do everything humanly possible.

I hope all is well and i wish your family luck.