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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my friend may be right?

103 replies

JaneFonda · 19/10/2011 17:20

For those of you who don't know, I gave birth to gorgeous twin girls (Grace and Poppy), in August, and they were premature.

Since then, it has been very much a rollercoaster ride, they've both had their setbacks and are still in hospital, but we're hoping things will be fine.

The thing is, today I was talking to my friend whose DS was also premature last year, and she has been incredibly supportive, except for today when she suggested that maybe Grace and Poppy were so ill because of me. She said that she had done everything 'right' during pregnancy which is why her DS improved really quickly, but my DDs aren't doing so well so it was probably down to how I 'behaved' when I was pregnant with them.

I feel utterly awful. I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was around 5 months gone, so I had been drinking occasionally, hadn't taken folic acid, eaten seafood etc. AIBU to think that maybe it IS my fault? :(

OP posts:
immortalbeloved · 19/10/2011 20:56

YABVVVVVU to even consider for one second that she might be right!

God only knows what possesed her to say such a stupid ridiculous horrible thing, but it really does say more about her than it does about you

If your girls have been in SCBU you must have been in contact with other mums of premmies? would you judge them and think they are to blame for their babies condition? My guess is you would never dream of such a thing and you should be as kind to yourself as you would be to anyone else

Please dont let her shake your confidence, sending lots of grow big and strng vibes to your DT's xxx

MrBloomsNursery · 19/10/2011 21:04

Angry. You know she's talking bullshit, deep down you do. Not taking folic acid doesn't induce premature labour. Babies are born through wars and famine - some are premature some are not. You were already at risk with twins to have an early labour anyway. Your "friend" (I hope ex-friend now) is a complete and utter cow. Please don't feel bad.

Hope your little ones get better soon and come home quickly.

Bue · 19/10/2011 21:04

You friend is not only a bitch, she is also extremely stupid.

SparklyGothKat · 19/10/2011 21:05

What a nasty thing to say. I have had 4 premmies and they were all different. Ds1 was in scbu for 4 days, dd1 was in for 5 weeks, dd2 was in for 3 weeks and ds2 was in for 10 days. They all progress at different times.

Bledkr · 19/10/2011 21:08

NONSENSE. I have twice not known untill quite late that i was pg both times doing stuff i shouldnt have.My ds2 was born at 28 weeks and was 5lb 1 and didnt even need help to breath even tho id drank when pg.
From drinking when pg the effects if any would not show untill the child is over. Im really surprised at your friend,what acruel and vicious woman.

Bledkr · 19/10/2011 21:12

older not ever sorry

cottonreels · 19/10/2011 21:15

How thoughtless and she is totally wrong, yanbu. The very best of wishes for your little treasures. Thanks

brighthair · 19/10/2011 21:19

Rubbish
My mum did everything by the book and had me - prem, jaundiced and anaphylactic to dairy and eggs
My friend - only found out 2 weeks before she gave birth that she was pregnant. Smoked 20 a day, drank copiously, took class A drugs. Healthy happy baby good weight and overdue

blackoutthesun · 19/10/2011 21:20

yanbu

your post has made my blood boil!!! i mean how fucking dare she!!!
but you are a better person then me as i think i would have ripped her head off

you did nothing wrong (have seen your other posts), so please don't waste another second on what this vile woman has said

lots of love to your two girls (lovely names btw)

Pancakeflipper · 19/10/2011 21:21

She is talking pants. Huge big smelly pants.

My youngest sister was 2 months prem. My mother didn't know she was pregnant until nearly 6 months pregnant. My mother hadn't taken any folic acid, she'd eaten soft cheeses galore ( we'd been on holiday in France and I should think she was having a tipple of the French vino too), she had been helping with the livestock - sheep/goats etc...

And my sister was absolutely fine except for being early. And she's a mighty fine adult ( though annoying).

So there is no rhyme and reason.

Your babies are on the roller coaster and you get to join to the ride.

My youngest went full-term and I did everything you should do in pregnancy and we are on the roller coaster of hospitals/consultants etc and have been for 3 yrs. It's the way of life.

Tell her to keep her ignorant smug mouth firmly shut in future.

Gigondas · 19/10/2011 21:25

Wow nice friend . I didn't realise how much more likely twins are to be rem- 3 out of 4 sets that I know of we're all born at 31/2 weeks.

As others have said many people don't realise they are pregnant. You cant link ghat

BrawToken · 19/10/2011 21:28

She isn't a friend. I know people who behaved much worse than you and had beautiful healthy children and others who did everything they could and had early babies. You sound like you are doing a great job. Congratulations on your beautiful girls. xx

umf · 19/10/2011 21:32

Perhaps she finds it easier to cope with the vicious unfairness of life by pretending that people have control and deserve their fates. I think a lot of the obsession with what you eat in pregnancy is about that, since it goes far beyond the actual statistical risks.

Original poster
JaneFonda · 19/10/2011 21:36

Wow, thank you everyone for all of the responses, I honestly wasn't expecting you to all say that she was in the wrong (in fact I thought some of you might have thought I did do something wrong Blush).

To whoever said about her being jealous of attention I get, I really hope that isn't it - it's not like the attention is for a positive thing, or that I get a kick out of it, it is just from lovely people who genuinely care about how my DDs are doing.

I would never dream of suggesting to another mother of a premature baby that she was to blame, but I suppose part of me thought that it's possible I was, just because I didn't know until a lot later than most people. I suppose I'll always blame myself for that a bit, and have secretly thought that maybe if I had done something differently my babies wouldn't be in this situation. Her saying it just kind of backed that up, I suppose, but a massive thank you to all of you lovely ladies who are wonderfully supportive of everything!

I sometimes feel a bit aware of posting LOADS about Poppy and Grace, but this is a real support network for me, so thank you ever so much. :)

OP posts:
EllaDee · 19/10/2011 21:40

There is no question at all she is wrong.

And I don't think anyone saying she's jealous of attention means you get a kick out of it, not at all!

I suspect she is very upset about something (perhaps the stress of her own baby's prematurity) and this is her way of lashing out.

But honestly, from what you say you have done nothing wrong. Please don't feel that.

... oh, and btw, I love it when people post on here about their babies, it is heart-warming (I really mean that, I'm not a gushy type). So don't ever apologize for doing it too much!*

*Well, you know ... when they're 18 and you're posting about university, then we will tell you it's too much and YABU. Wink

Gigondas · 19/10/2011 22:01

Jane - glad you are getting support. All the twins I spoke of are happy healthy and thriving as is my dn who is 16 but was born at 27 weeks. All the best for poppy and grace

sallysparrow157 · 20/10/2011 02:15

I am a paediatrician and have spent a long time working in neonatal units. A hell of a lot of our preterm babies are born to mums who do everything you're advised to do throughout pregnancy (including those who are conceived with fertility treatment, so mums who knew the very second their babies were implanted and lived by the book from that second) and a hell of a lot of our term healthy babies are born to IV drug abusers, alcoholics, smokers and so on.
Most preterm babies are born early for reasons completely out of the mother's control. I have NEVER seen a baby born prematurely purely because of something done by the mum

Your friend is talking out of her bottom.

noseybitch · 20/10/2011 02:27

Shit thing to say, not a true friend at all and a load of rubbish. If you didn't know you were pregnant, it's a moot point anyway. I think you should write her off as "toxic".

lifechanger · 20/10/2011 05:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

duvetdayplease · 20/10/2011 13:20

Agree that you should listen to sallysparrow - print that post out and put in your wallet to read every time you have a wobble. I was told guilty feelings are part and parcel of having a poorly baby - but just feelings, nothing to do with the reality.

starfishmummy · 20/10/2011 13:22

If I were in this position she would no longer be my friend.

neighbourhoodwitch · 20/10/2011 18:43

God no, she is TOTALLY WRONG.

Becaroooo · 20/10/2011 18:50

Some people validate themselves and their actions by treating other people badly.

Fact.

Some "friend"!!!

Sevenfoldedbloodybodies · 20/10/2011 18:52

omg
your fiend is a ...ex friend I hope
what an awful thing to say

Becaroooo · 20/10/2011 18:52

Oh, and I did "everything right" in my first pg....folic acid, dont drink, dont smoke, very careful about what I ate, exercised etc etc

My son was born with undx IUGR and was very poorly for a long time and it is still affecting him to this day (he is now 8)

So...what would her theory be about that, then???? Hmm