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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my friend may be right?

103 replies

JaneFonda · 19/10/2011 17:20

For those of you who don't know, I gave birth to gorgeous twin girls (Grace and Poppy), in August, and they were premature.

Since then, it has been very much a rollercoaster ride, they've both had their setbacks and are still in hospital, but we're hoping things will be fine.

The thing is, today I was talking to my friend whose DS was also premature last year, and she has been incredibly supportive, except for today when she suggested that maybe Grace and Poppy were so ill because of me. She said that she had done everything 'right' during pregnancy which is why her DS improved really quickly, but my DDs aren't doing so well so it was probably down to how I 'behaved' when I was pregnant with them.

I feel utterly awful. I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was around 5 months gone, so I had been drinking occasionally, hadn't taken folic acid, eaten seafood etc. AIBU to think that maybe it IS my fault? :(

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 19/10/2011 18:21

Have read only the OP so may be repeating other responses.

Your so-called friend is talking utter bollocks and needs a good slapping Angry. The only reason you are even considering that you are to blame is that well-known factor of maternal guilt. By and large we take responsibility for everything, rational or not, feasible or not. If a meteor fell on your house you'd 'feel' that you had somehow attracted its attention.

You had twins FGS. That alone makes a huge difference. Natural variations between individuals of a species probably accounts for everything else.

" She said that she had done everything 'right' during pregnancy"
I recommend you kick her smug little arse into touch and break contact with this person. She is no friend to you to make you feel undeserved guilt like this.

SayGhoulNowSayWitch · 19/10/2011 18:26

Congratulations on your babies, and hope they continue to do well and are out of hospital soon.

Your friend is being utterly UNsupportive by saying such a thing. As someone else mentioned - is she usually so blunt? What a terrible thing to say! Especially as she has been through a similar experience.

Not much of a friend IMO.

YABU to think any of it is your fault. Tis the luck of the draw.

Un-MNy hugs to you.

margerykemp · 19/10/2011 18:32

that's an awful thing to say! Shame on her.

DirtyBat · 19/10/2011 18:33

What a horrible thing to suggest. She doesn't sound like a very supportive friend tbh.

It isn't your fault at all.

Aren't a lot of twins born prematurely anyway? Also, even if they were born at the same stage as her DS, you have two girls, so they must have been much smaller (please do say if I'm talking rubbish, I'm just making an assumption).

Hope you have your lovely girls home with you soon.

QueenofJacksDreams · 19/10/2011 18:39

Your friend is a cunt simply put, I hate that word but I will use it for her.

You are not to blame for your babies being premature and ill lots of twins are born premature in fact I think the majority of twins are born premature and of course twins are always going to be smaller than a single baby so of course they're going to need more time to recover.

You don't need friends like her. Concentrate on your babys and do not blame yourself for anything thats happening with them it is not your fault.

Whatevertheweather · 19/10/2011 18:43

What a stupid stupid woman she must be (and that is being generous!). Did it not enter her thick head that the fact that she had a premature singleton and you have had twins is likely to be a contributing factor? Or one of the other million or so different variables that affect recovery rates. It was not your fault. Fwiw I didn't find out I was pg with dd1 until I was 5 months - in that time I drank, smoked and took no folic acid (Blush). DD2 was very planned, I did everything right and sadly we lost her near term. There is no rhyme or reason for these things.

Maybe you should send her a link to this thread Wink

Hope Grace and Poppy continue to get stronger and come home soon Smile

Iteotwawki · 19/10/2011 19:01

She's an arse and it's not your fault. You didn't mention their comparative gestations but as little as an extra week can make a huge difference. Twins also tend to take longer in scbu because on average they're 2/3 (or less) the weight of singletons, sharing space and blood supply has that effect.

What's "right" in pregnancy differs from one country and culture to another, from one generation to the next (new research disproving old). Please don't give what she said another thought, she is wrong.

Congratulations on your twins, hope they're home with you soon.

exoticfruits · 19/10/2011 19:03

Simply not true-ignore.

Shaz2011 · 19/10/2011 19:07

It's not your fault don't listen to her, you can do everything by the book & your child could still have something wrong, if she was a true friend she wouldn't of said that, don't worry about her as long as your children are improving (even slowly) that is all that counts

QuietNinjaZombie · 19/10/2011 19:08

Well. What everyone else said especially galxayweaver.

piratecaaaaaaaaaghhht · 19/10/2011 19:10

lol, like heavensmells said, she has totally contradicted herself.

what about the people that go to 9 months and piss it up and smoke knowing they are pg, and the ones in Take a Break who didn't know they were!!!

QuietNinjaZombie · 19/10/2011 19:12

Oh and congratulations x

MooncupGoddess · 19/10/2011 19:20

Obviously YANBU, but as your friend has generally been lovely and supportive it would be worth saying to her, 'Er - did you mean to say that? As it has really upset me.' It's possible that it 'came out wrong' and she's been feeling bad ever since.

TandB · 19/10/2011 19:24

What a nasty, cruel cow.

I wonder if she is desperately trying to find something to feel good about in her own situation and has decided to put you down in order to do that - sort of "oh well, at least things are going better for me than JaneFonda because she did xyz".

Ignore and distance yourself.

StoneSoup · 19/10/2011 19:26

What kind of friend says this sort of thing? Really? She is not supportive and I would question whether she is even your friend.

DogsBeastFiend · 19/10/2011 19:32

And your "friend" obtained her medical degree where, exactly? From the back of a cornflakes box perchance?

As others have said, she's talking bollocks.

duvetdayplease · 19/10/2011 19:41

Hi, please don't listen to your friend at all, she is not being nice for whatever reason. Unless she herself is a doctor with access to your twins' notes she can't have a fucking clue anyway - a consultant would be wary of making such a sweeping statement.

During our time in hospital we saw babies come in and heard the consultants say each time - we don't know how long it will take for them to get better, each baby is different. You may find one of your twins is strong enough to come home a little earlier than the other - because the babies themselves are a little different.

If you are having guilty feelings (or any difficult feelings) - which is a very normal response to having poorly babies - then I can personally recommend the BLISS helpline, they helped me a lot.

Sending best wishes to you and your babies.

wakeupnow · 19/10/2011 19:44

Jane ok a horrid thing for her to say BUT what no-one else has pointed out - was she trying to help you find out why this may have happened BUT it came across v.badly cos maybe she'd had a bad day HTH

Whatmeworry · 19/10/2011 19:48

Thats not a Friend.

And this is just the beginning of the snakes and ladders game that bringing up kids is...your friend will find her own snakes, believe me!

ihatecbeebies · 19/10/2011 19:48

What a nasty woman!

But if she's claiming she 'done everything right' and you didn't and that's the reason her DS progresses quicker than your DD's then surely her DS wouldn't have been premature in the first place then if she done it all the right way? Surely her pregnancy wouldn't have been complicated and her DS would have been born at full term.

flicktheswitch · 19/10/2011 19:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EverybodysScaryEyed · 19/10/2011 19:59

Well I think this may have been foot in mouth syndrome as you say she has been very supportive and helpful

perhaps this is what she has told herself to make herself feel better about her baby being premature. she is problably cringing inside right now thinking about what she said

As everyone says she is completely wrong but I would ignore if this is the only thing she has done/said that has been upsetting to you.

Congrats on the babies by the way!

luluscadoo · 19/10/2011 19:59

What a horrible thing to say. Yes she may have been better during her pregnancy, but you did not know you that you were pregnant.

You had twins so it is not the same, twins nearly always take's longer for them to recover.

She's obviously just want to make her self seem superior ignore her.

FairyBlueBell · 19/10/2011 20:04

Ignore her, she is clearly talking straight out of her arse.

Jux · 19/10/2011 20:44

What complete and utter bollocks. And she's your friend?Shock I think you'd better avoid her for a while.