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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DP

80 replies

yippeekaiyay · 07/10/2011 11:35

I work ft

DP is currently out of work, and as such is a 'SAHD' - he does the school runs, the house work, the cooking etc.

Well, that is in theory. He does the downstairs only, minus the downstairs bathroom and refuses to take any part in the clothes washing.

This morning i got up for work to him gettin at me for one thing after another. First it was about not being on top of the washing, 2nd was for not washing a pan I used last night (to cook a lasagne for this evening at 10pm last night) 3rd was for the fact there was not a clean towel in the bathroom and 4th was for taking a pack of crumpets to work with me earlier in the week for me breakfasts as I don't normally get time to eat before I leave......

I got really pee'd off with him. Its not like I get in and sit on my arse all evening. I come home, normally help him with dinner, wash the dishes, make packed lunches for ds and I for the next day, iron school uniform and work clothes for the next day, bath ds, do homework with ds, read a story and do bet time with ds plus other random stuff that I need to do

I often don't sit down until 10pm or later. I work 40 hours per week.

Fair enough he looks after a lot in the house and the childcare, but inbetween this he goes to the gym (a lot) I never get any time to do things like go for a run or to the gym

I was so cross this morning with his attitude towards my not having done the things he has (in his head) assigned as 'my jobs'

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 07/10/2011 11:36

I would say he sounds like a lazy twat to be honest.

Once he has done the school run, what exactly does he do for the rest of the day?

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 07/10/2011 11:37

He is. And I say that as a SAHM.

Original poster
yippeekaiyay · 07/10/2011 11:39

Squeaky - he goes to the gym for about 3 hours, potters about, does the end of day school run, takes ds to the park, comes home and starts dinner (sometimes - yesterday he was asleep on the sofa when I got hime, no dinner to be seen)

OP posts:
fluffystabby · 07/10/2011 11:40

I'd be telling him to get his finger out of his arse and do the SAHD job properly.

He's playing at it and taking the piss

BruciesDollyDealer · 07/10/2011 11:41

tell him you will be leaving your job at the end of the month and he now needs to provide the income for the family

fedupofnamechanging · 07/10/2011 11:41

I think he's taking the piss. If you are working full time and he is not, then he should be doing a lot more than he currently is. He seems to be treating you as if you don't have a right to take food out of the cupboard in your own home - as if your only function is to bring in money.

He should be doing the laundry if he is home all day and he ought to be doing most of the housework, during the day. When you are both home, domestic tasks should be shared.

HamstersDontSwim · 07/10/2011 11:43

He is taking the pee.

Is he the type to admit it when he is in the wrong?

pootlebug · 07/10/2011 11:43

So he's not looking after any kids through the middle of the day as he/they are at school? He should be doing the washing etc then.

If he were looking after a couple of toddlers all day I'd have much lower expectations, but with several hours in the middle of the day to himself he should be doing this stuff BEFORE he gets chance to swan off to the gym.

PegsOnTheLine · 07/10/2011 11:43

DH is also currently out of work and being SAHD- he does school run, housework, laundry and when I come home, dinner is on or ready to be served along with a glass of wine.

He also manages to look for work and go to meetings/interviews.

Your DP is VU

Shutupanddrive · 07/10/2011 11:45

He is BU! He should be doing the washing and the majority of the cooking in my opinion. Where is ds when he goes to the gym for 3 hours? Assume you have some sort of childcare arranged for that? So he doesn't even look after him all day really

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 07/10/2011 11:46

I work 3 hours a day and I do everything at home. MY dh works 10 hours a day and doesn't do anything. I think it os only fair that the one at home does most of the work there.

He is being lazy and unreasonable.

Original poster
yippeekaiyay · 07/10/2011 11:47

Ds is at school when he is at they gym

He will definitely NOT admit he is wrong.

He will feel I am belittling him by pointing out that I am at WORK all day, bringing money in to the household.

OP posts:
fluffystabby · 07/10/2011 11:50

Well if you're belittling him by telling him you are out at WORK all day, tell him that's fine you'll give up work and sit at home all day and it's now his turn for x amount of time to go out and earn the money to keep the family.

Shutupanddrive · 07/10/2011 11:50

So he's got all day free when ds in in school? Totally unreasonable!! Show him this thread!

squeakytoy · 07/10/2011 11:50

I work from home, my husband works 12 hours a day (sometimes more) out of the home. I dont expect him to do anything other than relax when he gets home. At weekends if he isnt working he happily helps out with jobs around the house, but during the week I do the lot.

In between working, washing, cleaning and shopping, and being a carer for my MIL, I still manage to get plenty of free time to go to the gym or meet up with friends.

LauraShigihara · 07/10/2011 11:51

You should both be having some rest-time but you seem to be having far less than he does.

Laundry, ironing, cooking and cleaning all come under the SAH parent's work description.

I'm at home currently with a school aged child and I would be ashamed of myself if DH had to scrabble about in the evening picking up the slack. We BOTH work hard.

YANBU

ShroudOfHamsters · 07/10/2011 11:52

Then belittle the lazy twat, because a LITTLE person is exactly what he is right now.

A LITTLE partner who doesn't pull their weight in the family

A LITTLE dad who does the bare minimum concerning the children, but all the heavy tasks - washing, cleaning - oooh he's too pathetic to take that on!

A LITTLE husband who is totally not up to the job of supporting you emotionally - showing he loves you by respecting you and your right to equal free time, etc.

Show him this. I'd find it really hard to respect a man who couldn't see what needed doing and have the guts to tackle it. 3 hour gym sessions? I suppose he'll need all the buffing he can muster to catch his next meal ticket when you throw him out, eh? - he is purely decorative after all...

fluffystabby · 07/10/2011 11:52
ceebie · 07/10/2011 11:57

Clearly he is being unreasonable BUT... could some of the issues be related to him feeling frustrated at being out of work and not wanting to be a full-time house-husband? By wanting you to do some housework he is trying to make it shared rather than his department.

Maybe it's time the two of you sat down together and reassessed who does what in your household. Clearly he needs to do the bulk but you seem willing to help out in the evenings and weekends. For example, if he really hates laundry, perhaps you could agree to that if he could take on making packed lunches instead or perhaps he could prepare dinner solo without your help, so you have a chance to relax / do other things / have time with DS?

Original poster
yippeekaiyay · 07/10/2011 12:01

ceebie i think you have hit the nail on the head. He is going to the gym to relieve stress of being out of work. He is waiting for some certificates to come through and then he will feel prepared to go ahead and apply for the jobs he wants. he does lack confidence in a big way.

I just want him to realise that I am not frikkin superwoman. I am happy to pitch in, I don't want to make him feel like a housewife but I am sure he thinks that when I walk out the door i just sit on my arse all day doing nothing.

OP posts:
Makiko · 07/10/2011 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Makiko · 07/10/2011 12:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Ephiny · 07/10/2011 12:26

I wouldn't use the term housewife, but surely he should be doing the same work and shouldering the same responsibilities that you would if he was out at work and you were a SAHM? Sounds like you think he should be excused from doing his fair share because he's a man, or that it would be demeaning somehow for him to do 'housewife'/women's work?

AbbyAbsinthe · 07/10/2011 12:27

He's taking the piss. And you need to tell him. I have been there, OP, and it took me 3 YEARS to say something, because I didn't want to emasculate him. But in the end, we lost our house, and eventually our marriage, and this sort of attitude contributed greatly.

If you want to stay married - you NEED to say something.

Bledkr · 07/10/2011 12:29

He is basically living a fantasy life.Im on mat leave and would love to just do the fun stuff like playing with baby and school runs and trips to the park with some nice long gym sessions thrown into the mix.
Unfortunately tho,the boring stuff needs to be done,washing,cooking and cleaning,this is because dh works ft which enables me to take the full yera with my baby and also helps with dd's when he comes home and overnight.I want to let him have as much of a rest as possible cos i love him and am fair. He is not showing you that at all.3 hours in the gym indeed,who is he,a pro athlete.