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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DP

80 replies

yippeekaiyay · 07/10/2011 11:35

I work ft

DP is currently out of work, and as such is a 'SAHD' - he does the school runs, the house work, the cooking etc.

Well, that is in theory. He does the downstairs only, minus the downstairs bathroom and refuses to take any part in the clothes washing.

This morning i got up for work to him gettin at me for one thing after another. First it was about not being on top of the washing, 2nd was for not washing a pan I used last night (to cook a lasagne for this evening at 10pm last night) 3rd was for the fact there was not a clean towel in the bathroom and 4th was for taking a pack of crumpets to work with me earlier in the week for me breakfasts as I don't normally get time to eat before I leave......

I got really pee'd off with him. Its not like I get in and sit on my arse all evening. I come home, normally help him with dinner, wash the dishes, make packed lunches for ds and I for the next day, iron school uniform and work clothes for the next day, bath ds, do homework with ds, read a story and do bet time with ds plus other random stuff that I need to do

I often don't sit down until 10pm or later. I work 40 hours per week.

Fair enough he looks after a lot in the house and the childcare, but inbetween this he goes to the gym (a lot) I never get any time to do things like go for a run or to the gym

I was so cross this morning with his attitude towards my not having done the things he has (in his head) assigned as 'my jobs'

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 07/10/2011 13:53

No a single job application?! Is he depressed? Ill? Taken losing his last job really personally and now feeling shit and lacking in confidence?

Original poster
yippeekaiyay · 07/10/2011 13:59

I think he is depressed.

He was referred to our local mental health team to 'talk'

He didn't go tpo his appointment. I have bi-polar so the focus of every argument turns to that.

OP posts:
AbbyAbsinthe · 07/10/2011 14:00

Not being funny, yippeekaiyay, but is he really depressed? Hmm To me is sounds like a severe case of lazyitis. And I would say that about a SAHM or a SAHD.

God I feel for you. I could rant all day about this.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 07/10/2011 14:03

I don't think he's depressed, I think he's a lazy cock and that you need to have it out with him.

nickelbabe · 07/10/2011 14:05

if he is depressed, he needs to go to his appointments!
even if it's just rule out depression!

or maybe he knows he's not depressed and is actually just lazy. If he goes to his appointments, they'll know, so he won't have any more excuses.

Ephiny · 07/10/2011 14:11

Well if he actually has depression (i.e. an illness) than that changes things a bit - it might have been helpful to mention that in the OP though!

Agree he needs to be going to his appointments and getting the help he needs in that case. Also exercise is supposed to be good for depression so maybe that makes the gym sessions a bit more than a luxury as well.

Original poster
yippeekaiyay · 07/10/2011 14:11

I don't think he is lazy, he is really active - more so than me. I am not defending him either, I am thoroughly pissed off with him, but I do think his ego has taken a huge knock. Hence why I don;t say anything to him - I don't want to make things worse!

Argh, I wish he would just get a job so i could afford a cleaner and everyone is happy!

OP posts:
blackeyedsusan · 07/10/2011 14:15

are you sure he goes to the gym for 3 hours everyday? if you are then where is your 3 hours of frree time with no children?

his job at the moment is looking for work. he should be doing that and then sharing out the housework/child care between the 2 of you so you both get equal free time.

JugsMcGee · 07/10/2011 14:18

Doesn't he want to spend the evening with you? If he helped, you'd get everything done a lot earlier than 10pm.

I'm currently in maternity leave with a 7.5mo, DH works FT. I do all the housework during the day and cook dinner for when he gets home. If I'm helping DS with his dinner, DH will wash up, if not, I will. DH then spends some time with DS while I clean the kitchen/highchair/dining room. We take it in turns to do bedtime/make a cup of tea. Both of us are free to do whatever once DS is in bed as everything has been sorted.

Do you get to spend any time with DS if you're so busy in the evening? I'm happy to do the housework in the evening because DH has been at work all day and I'd rather he spent the time with DS.

Original poster
yippeekaiyay · 07/10/2011 14:21

Ds plays out as much as he can possible get away with, he is really sociable with about 10 little pals in the street calling for him every 5 mins. I am happy as this makes ds happy. I read him a story, bath him and do homework with him every evening.

OP posts:
DorisIsAPinkDragon · 07/10/2011 14:23

If you don't want to have it out with him (tbh I think this is the most honest and cheapest way of dealing with things) have you thought of mediation.

Quite frankly your relationship IS on the line here albeit at the early stages (although that could be argued about too).

He IS taking the piss. his job is to look after the house and find a job he is doing neither of those things. He is doing fuck all that he doesn't want too and ou are running around like a blue arse fly trying to keep it together but ultimately will probably only make yourself ill (bi-polar or not this is a distinct possiblity).

Your choice is have this out now in the open and discuss it, or continue to let it fester under the surface as you resent him and ultimately his part in your relationship.

What's the worst he's going to do if you do discuss this?

BruciesDollyDealer · 07/10/2011 14:25

right, we have done the bashing (deserved) now you need to do something practical

I would suggest you both sit down calmly and draw up a list of what you both expect of each other, work wise. You can then go through each task/chore/job and discuss it

BruciesDollyDealer · 07/10/2011 14:28

Argh, I wish he would just get a job so i could afford a cleaner and everyone is happy! Hmm

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 07/10/2011 14:29

You two need to do some serious talking.

  1. About the jobs that need doing , how they will be divided up and how much leisure time each partner will have.

  2. About the household budget, is he aware how bad the financial situation is?

  3. About him getting investigated/treated for depression.

But you make it sound like raising the above subjects just ends up with a row, is that the case?

AbbyAbsinthe · 07/10/2011 14:33
Original poster
yippeekaiyay · 07/10/2011 14:37

Yes, raising the subject will cause a row.

I have texted him 3 jobs in our area just today that have gone live on the internet this week - that he is more than capable of and I haven't even had a reply

OP posts:
WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 07/10/2011 14:41

When I was depressed (it was BAD, with anxiety and other stuff chucked in) I found it very hard to get things done and be motivated. It just seemed impossible. Still if he feels like he really needs to get help.

fedupofnamechanging · 07/10/2011 14:44

I think you do have to raise the subject, even if it results in a row. Clearly things cannot go on like this.

nickelbabe · 07/10/2011 15:02

just because he's active doesn't mean he's not lazy!

It means he's selfis hand lzy - he's got enough energy to do the thing that he wants to do, but not enough to contribute to the household!

That's what I do! I'll spent 2 ½ hours at a dance class in an evening, but if I have to hoover or something, then I can't be arsed! Doesn't mean I won't do it, but it's amazing how something you don't want to do is harder to do than something you do want to do.
that's what laziness is.

Shutupanddrive · 07/10/2011 15:14

OP you are making excuses for him, he's a lazy sod and needs a kick up the arse! Have it out with him even if it means having an argument

Bledkr · 08/10/2011 10:01

Point out the gym membership will have to be the first cut back if he doesnt get a job.

dreamingbohemian · 08/10/2011 10:35

Well first, he is BU for having a go at you -- if he is upset about things he should discuss them with you, not be all irrational.

But I do agree with minimiss above, that a number of the things you say you do in the evenings is really time spent with your child and shouldn't be included in housekeeping.

It does sound like your DH could do more, why won't he clean upstairs? Could you have a proper conversation about how to divide up cleaning -- just cleaning, not other stuff? You said he assigned tasks to you 'in his head', that sounds like you've not really talked about it properly.

I think it's important not to make one parent responsible for all the cleaning, whatever the circumstances. It sets up a bad dynamic and then the person who doesn't clean has no investment in keeping things tidy. I don't think it would be unreasonable if you did the dishes (especially if he cooks) and the laundry. But then he really should do everything else.

dreamingbohemian · 08/10/2011 10:44

Oh sorry, things moved on a bit.

You said earlier he was waiting for some certificates before applying for jobs -- how long will that take?

I hate to say it, but I think you need to stop job searching for him. I have done this in previous relationships and it never, never works.

If money is an issue then sit down and talk over the budget with him -- show him, not just tell him, that he needs to work, any work at all.

I find it worrying that you said if you talk it comes back to you being bipolar. Do you mean he's nasty about it to you?

kiwimumof2boys · 08/10/2011 10:47

I'm a SAHM and I would love to be able to go to the gym !! (really miss it) but can't afford it, and would only be able to go at 5am (too lazy !) or 9pm (err no thanks !)
I also do most cleaning - vacuming, bathroom, kitchen, grocery shopping etc . . . DH helps in weekends and often makes his own tea (he's vege and I'm not, me and kids often eat meat, he also really enjoys vege cooking)
I really think your DH is depressed ? sorry i know others have said it, sorry to go on . . . but maybe something you need to look at ? was the redundancy expected or out of the blue ?
YANBU

ChippingIn · 08/10/2011 10:50

If things are that tight and he's not even looking for a job - why is his gym membership still being paid?

He is being a selfish, lazy prick who needs a kick up the arse.

Why are you so afraid of having an arguement about this? How much longer are you prepared to be a doormat for?

If he's depressed he needs to go to his appointments, if he's not he needs to stop being such a selfish git. What self respecting man could sit there watching his wife go to work everyday then come home and do all that in the evening when he's swanning off to the gym & fecking about in the evenings?

... and what the fuck is wrong with him that he can't do the jobs upstairs or the bathrooms??

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