Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

AIBU or is DP

80 replies

yippeekaiyay · 07/10/2011 11:35

I work ft

DP is currently out of work, and as such is a 'SAHD' - he does the school runs, the house work, the cooking etc.

Well, that is in theory. He does the downstairs only, minus the downstairs bathroom and refuses to take any part in the clothes washing.

This morning i got up for work to him gettin at me for one thing after another. First it was about not being on top of the washing, 2nd was for not washing a pan I used last night (to cook a lasagne for this evening at 10pm last night) 3rd was for the fact there was not a clean towel in the bathroom and 4th was for taking a pack of crumpets to work with me earlier in the week for me breakfasts as I don't normally get time to eat before I leave......

I got really pee'd off with him. Its not like I get in and sit on my arse all evening. I come home, normally help him with dinner, wash the dishes, make packed lunches for ds and I for the next day, iron school uniform and work clothes for the next day, bath ds, do homework with ds, read a story and do bet time with ds plus other random stuff that I need to do

I often don't sit down until 10pm or later. I work 40 hours per week.

Fair enough he looks after a lot in the house and the childcare, but inbetween this he goes to the gym (a lot) I never get any time to do things like go for a run or to the gym

I was so cross this morning with his attitude towards my not having done the things he has (in his head) assigned as 'my jobs'

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:

loveglove · 07/10/2011 12:31

My DP always takes charge of housey things when he's been out of work! The rest of the time we share. He is unreasonable to get at you for not doing everything. Maybe a rota for the laundry might be good, or doing it between you on a weekend.

ceebie · 07/10/2011 12:40

Argh! Wrote message and lost it.

I'm sure he doesn't think you sit on your arse all day doing nothing - but he is probably very envious of the fact that you have got a job to go out to.

If he is already feeling frustrated, then you getting more frustrated with him is unlikely to help either of you. Make some time to sit down and talk, and really listen to how each other feels, and see if you can work something out. HOWEVER, make sure it doesn't turn into a competition about who's working the hardest. Neither of you is allowed to blame the other - you tell him how you feel about your day / workloads / leisure time without commenting about how he could do more, and he talks about his feelings without blaming you for it. And neither of you can react defensively to the other's feelings, by feeling like you're being blamed for it, if you see what I mean.

Surely he can still apply for jobs ahead of his certificates arriving? A prospective employer would need to see them before confirming a job offer but he could still go through the interview process in the meantime.

Also, volunteering (either with a relevant company or a charity) would help his CV and might be god for his confidence?

Nowtspecial · 07/10/2011 12:44

Write down what you do and he does for a whole week and then show him the list, maybe he is just clueless, tho if he doesn't wash his own clothes he's a wanker.

minimisschief · 07/10/2011 12:52

Why is it the case that the other day when i saw a thread similar to this people were saying things like

it is not your job to do the housework it is 50/50 despite the fact one works and the other doesnt.

and from the original post she said he does his share of the housework and looking after the kids.

so why are you all calling the guy a lazy twat? He is doing his part of the housework and she is helping out too.

SecondRow · 07/10/2011 12:59

What was the situation prior to him being out of work? Did you both work FT? Or has he previously been sole breadwinner and doesn't appreciate how much there actually is for the SAHP to do?

Ephiny · 07/10/2011 13:02

I don't think it's reasonable for housework to be 50/50 if only one partner works - unless in particular circumstances, e.g. of the person at home has all their time taken up with caring responsibilities, or if they're unwell or something. Haven't seen the thread in question so don't know what exactly was going on there. But in a case like this where the children are at school it seems fair for the SAHP to be doing more of the housework (not necessarily all, but the larger share) not spending hours in the gym and moaning at their partner because the washing hasn't been done for them!

Makiko · 07/10/2011 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

yippeekaiyay · 07/10/2011 13:06

we both worked FT prior to his redundancy

OP posts:

SecondRow · 07/10/2011 13:10

So is he now doing more, the same or less parenting and housework than when he was working FT? And you? And the same for leisure time? Listing it all out is probably the only way to get him to see what is fair.

troisgarcons · 07/10/2011 13:11

Hilarious if the roles were reversed there would be a monumental outcry on MN that being a SAHM IS a full time job, and the poor bloke who is out working is a lazy bugger if they don't scrub the bogs and cook 3 meals a week, do the bedtime story run, and do their own laundry becasue SAHMs should only deal with occupying the children.

Who ever is the SAHP, IMHO, is responsible for the running of the house, the majority of the childcare when the other person is at work.

YANBU to expect all that to be done. Weekends are different - a fair share of chores should occur.

fluffystabby · 07/10/2011 13:14

I would say the same if it was a SAHM who was at home while kids are at school.

That's the crucial thing IMO - this is not a situation where he's at home with two toddlers to look after - the child in this situation is at school for a large part of the day

minimisschief · 07/10/2011 13:18

yeah that is all very well and good but you are only assuming that the op isn't bigging up her role or why the guy is complaining. If the sahp is complaining about things there is obviously some back story to it that she hasnt mentioned.

He does dinner, she does the washing..nothing wrong with that.
she does her own lunch for the next day aswell as childs..may aswell while she is there
Does some ironing

the rest of what she does is with her child which he or they probably did because she doesnt get to see alot of them.

so lets see his typical day would be
get kids breakfasts, his breakfast
take them to nursery
bring them back from nursery
entertain,look after and clean up after them
while they are at nursery he would have to do washing up, his own lunch, hoovering, tidying, dusting, cleaning stuff like sinks,toilets, baths, floors, worktops
he does dinner

not really lazy when you think about it. Putting something in the washing machine, some ironing, some dishes and the downstairs toilet is hardly anything

QueenVictoria42 · 07/10/2011 13:20

I work part time - 15 hours a week, and this means I have 2 days off. I cook every evening including weekends (sometimes DP will as he enjoys it - he certainly doesn't demand i have a meal on the table!), I also do ALL laundry and am responsible for dusting/hoovering/keeping the bathroom clean/ironing - basically anything housework related. I also still manage to go to the gym 3-4 times a week (during the day). My DP can do housework, however he works full time, and I think it is fair that as I have the time during the day, that I complete this work - we both then have our evenings free. He does make packed lunches and takes out the bins/recycling! We both know that when I return to full-time work that household duties will be shared because they will simply have to be.

QueenVictoria42 · 07/10/2011 13:24

Oh I should probably add that DP never complains or makes suggestions. He also never told me that this is how it would work when I went part time. I decided it was only fair, since his wage is basically what's supporting us.

Inertia · 07/10/2011 13:24

The difference is whether the at-home parent actually has to do child care during the time that the other parents is at work. If the at-home parents is , for example, trying to establish BF with a newborn while also caring for a toddler and a school-age child, then most of the day will be taken up with dealing with the needs of the children, and other household stuff needs to be distributed accordingly.

Here, MrYippee has the bulk of every day free- he really should be doing the majority of household stuff. If he were spending most of each day actively seeking work- sending off CVs, going to job interviews etc- then fair enough, but he's not.

Yippee, I do think you need to have a conversation about how household tasks are shared, as your DH seems to be conveniently forgetting the household stuff you already do as well as working FT.

(Disclaimer- have just got in from work and am MNing while I eat my lunch prior to cleaning the house and then collecting DCs!)

Inertia · 07/10/2011 13:26

At-home parent is- apologies for awful typo (twice!)

incognitofornow · 07/10/2011 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

JustinBoobie · 07/10/2011 13:32

Fucking hell, if that's the life of a sahd then I want it!!

Cheeky nobber!

I feel for you OP, he's taking the piss and should be doing more to help you out. Then maybe your evenings might allow you to relax

Original poster

yippeekaiyay · 07/10/2011 13:40

Missmischeif - he doesn't clean the bathrooms, doesn't touch the upstairs of the house at all infact.

He brushes and mops, tidies round, hoovers the hall and washes the brakfast dishes.

He usually does dinner but not always. If the kitchen is a mess in the evening I tend to clean it so he doesn't have loads to do the next day. I am definitely doing my fair share!

OP posts:

CocktailQueen · 07/10/2011 13:43

Lazy arse, taking the piss!!!! Ask him what he'd expect YOu to do if you were SAHM - would he expect you to cook, wash, housework etc?? Bet he would! - and then point out that he's not doing any of those things. Poor you.

nickelbabe · 07/10/2011 13:45

both DH and I work full time. I work more full-time than him, because I do 6 days a week, and he does 5.
He gets up at 5 every day, apart from his days off!

he makes the majority of the meals (he finishes work after 2 o'clock and makes my lunch for me, and usually my dinner) (i do breakfast)
he washes the pots, cleans out the cats, gets the chickens up in the morning, feeds them and fills their water, and does general household improvements. He also does most of the shopping.
I hoover sometimes (he does it on his days off, and I do it the rest of the week)
I clean out the chickens.
everything else we share.

This is before DCs, of course, but the point is that we each do our bit.
I would expect that if he were off all week, he would do more cleaning, tidying and sorting (and when he's on leave, he does)
I would also expect that if I were off all week, I would do the lion's share of the chores.

This however is on a proviso - if one of us was at home because a child in our care was also at home, then the majority of the SAHP job would be looking after the child, and chorse would be shared equally as it is now.
the SAHP would be our full-time job.

The OP's H hasn't got a child at home all day, and most of every day without the child is spent at the gym. That's not fair - any time spent in the day, that would be at home, when there are no other responsibilities should be spent doing chores or things that improve family life (so we include in this sorting out paperwork, putting up shelves, clearing out crap, that kind of thing)
Not our own leisure pursuits (unless it's gardening)

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 07/10/2011 13:50

I would have said it was either equal or you being unreasonable but seeing as your child is at full time school then he is.

Original poster

yippeekaiyay · 07/10/2011 13:52

I think what is grating on me the most is that he hasn't even tried to find work. It has been months and he has not applied for a single job.

I spend every lunch hour scouring the web for jobs he is qualified to do, even jobs that he is more than qualified to do....and he never rings them. Not a single fecking one. I dispair.

We can not physically survive on my wage alone anymore. He needs to pull his finger out and I don't know how to tell him without causing an argument

OP posts:

nickelbabe · 07/10/2011 13:52

especially as you're doing all this housework stuff until 10pm, when he's not doing that.

I would advise you have a week's holiday away from home.
seriously, DH has gone away this week fishing, and when he's not here, it's amazing how much I notice that he does as his share!

nickelbabe · 07/10/2011 13:53

and you're doing his jobhunting too?!

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread