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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advise please.

99 replies

MrSpoc · 07/10/2011 11:28

Firstly, yes I am crap at spelling and grammar so please try not to nit pick.

Here is the situation so I will try and keep it brief.

Ex and I have a bad relationship but in the middle is our DS now aged 6. I was contact by Ex Sis who wants some very personal details of mine in order to get my DS passport. But I am not registered on his birth certificate as his dad? (to try and not filter info my ex registered the birth behind my back whilst I was at work.. still not sure why).
As I am uncomfortable about giving out my personal details to someone I do not like or get on with I have suggested they pass on all their details and I will get the passport sorted.

AIBU?

Thanks all.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 07/10/2011 11:31

Do you mean your ex SIL?

If I were you I'd tell her you'll give the details to your ex instead.

If you don't want to talk to her, just email her.

SharrieTBGinzatome · 07/10/2011 11:32

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SharrieTBGinzatome · 07/10/2011 11:35

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Original poster
MrSpoc · 07/10/2011 11:35

Sharrie she does not need my details because I am not recognised as my DS dad. I am not on any legal paper work. (her choice)

Now the info my Ex's sister has asked for are very personal, Ie DoB where i grew up. Mothers maiden name etc.

Lets face it if she wants all my details then why would she not be happy to give me hers and I sort out the passport?

OP posts:
PrimaBallerina · 07/10/2011 11:35

Get a passport application form so you know what is actually needed and list the information on an email or letter to your ex.

Don't punish your DS because you can't all get along - no matter whose fault it is.

Bangtastic · 07/10/2011 11:36

If you aren't listed as his father on the birth certificate, then she doesn't need anything from you to apply for a passport.

Original poster
MrSpoc · 07/10/2011 11:36

well she should be more willing because it is her who wants the passport.

OP posts:
wellwisher · 07/10/2011 11:37

I don't understand why your details would need to go on the child's passport form if you aren't on his birth certificate Confused

HairyGrotter · 07/10/2011 11:38

I didn't have to mention DD's father when applying for her passport as he is not on her birth certificate, I can't see the problem if you are not 'legally' recognised as the father

worraliberty · 07/10/2011 11:38

I would have thought you and your ex would know all these details...or at least known them in the past and then forgotten about them.

I thought the issue was you didn't want her sister knowing them?

It's a bit odd hiding simple details like where you grew up and your Mother's maiden name from the woman you have a child with Confused

Original poster
MrSpoc · 07/10/2011 11:38

Bantastic that is what i have advised her and that is why I have said to send me all the documents and i will get the passport.

I am not punishing my DS in fact i want him to be able to travel and enjoy other countries but i am not happy with the info they are asking for.

As i said i will happily get the passport if they send me all the details instead.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 07/10/2011 11:38

sounds a bit suspect to me.. if you are not on the BC, then why would she need those details..

headfairy · 07/10/2011 11:39

I think you should give the details.... surely your ex knows most of them anyway (certainly my dh knows my dob, mothers maiden name and place of birth). It's not like you're giving her the pin number for your debit card is it. And if you object to giving your ex sil this information, how can you in all conscience as her to do something you're not happy doing.

It's for your ds, do it.

SharrieTBGinzatome · 07/10/2011 11:39

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LydiaWickham · 07/10/2011 11:40

ExSIL - why does she need the details? I'd be concerned your exP didn't know what her sister was doing, if your ex needed info she didn't already know about you for the passport, surely she'd ask you herself, either directly or in an e-mail, rather than ask her sister to do it?

If you aren't on the birth certificate, not sure you can get the passport for your DS, it will have to be the mother.

Give the info needed to the mother. Not to her sister - you could just e-mail her or call her and tell her over the phone.

MsVestibule · 07/10/2011 11:41

One of you has to pass on their personal details, and as Sharrie says, it's fairly basic info. However, if you're not registered as his father on the birth certificate, why does the passport even have to have your info on it? Officiallly, your son doesn't have a dad, unless you've subsequently signed a Parental Responsibilty Order (or whatever they're called).

Original poster
MrSpoc · 07/10/2011 11:41

I understand worraliberty and i agree but unfortunatly my Ex is not the person i thought she was. She has had dodgy dealings in the past so I am very sceptical of what info I would give to her,.

The reason why her sister wants my details is because my Ex does not have a passport but its her sister who wants to take my DS on a month long trip to Australia.

OP posts:
ScarahStratton · 07/10/2011 11:43

WTF is wrong with giving your ex your DOB, etc? That's not personal stuff, that's the sort of information you give out all the time - card application, etc. This is a woman you once cared enough for to have a child with. Grow up and stop using your son as a bloody pawn.

Original poster
MrSpoc · 07/10/2011 11:43

thats my thougts too squeakytoy.

I have said send me all their details and i will get the passport but they are adament that they will not do this.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 07/10/2011 11:43

Oh I see

In that case yes, I'd handle it yourself if I were you.

But you should really tell her she doesn't need your details anyway if you're not no the BC.

ShroudOfHamsters · 07/10/2011 11:45

She doesn't need your information as you aren't on his birth certificate anyway.

Perhaps you should direct your energies into applying for PR instead of making a childish point of refusing to give some (pretty mundane, actually) details to her?

You comment that 'your DS is in the middle of this' -well don't you see that your attitude here is helping to make sure that he stays there? Your DS is in the middle because of the behaviour of both of you. Why don't you at least try and start to resolve it?

I'm sure you're going to reply with more detail about how unreasonable she is, and for all I know she could be a complete nightmare to deal with. If so I feel for you! But the same applies. Why not just give the details? Simple small 'yes I'll do this for you even though I don't have to' - little drops in the ocean that might help, over time, a better relationship to develop. Even if all the aggression is on her side, it's your DS who suffers, as you rightly say - so do it for him!

'Yes, sure, no problem. I'd be pleased to contribute half the cost of the passport if you wish.'

It's easy. It's the good natured thing to do. If you can start to do that even when you don't feel like it AT ALL thanks to your ex's behaviour, your little boy will benefit, he really will.

SharrieTBGinzatome · 07/10/2011 11:45

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booyhoo · 07/10/2011 11:45

mrspoc, why are your details necessary when as far as the BC and passport are concerned, you dont exist? (i know you do exist and are his father but on paper you dont)

my ds1's father is not named on his BC and i neverr had to list any of his info at all on ds1's passport application. i just dont understand why your information is even being asked for.

Original poster
MrSpoc · 07/10/2011 11:46

ScarahStratton please read my post.

I am not recognised as my DS dad. Therefore the info she wants cannot be used for a passport.

I am not using my son as a weapon and i am not sure how you have come to this conclusion.

As i have said. she is more than welcome to send me all her details and i will get the passport. Is this not the best option.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrSpoc · 07/10/2011 11:48

i have done Worra but she and her Sis are pushing for my details even to the point of shouting abuse over the phone.

I have said i am happy for him to have his passport and i will even fill, pay and send off th forms but they do not want me to do this.

OP posts: