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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advise please.

99 replies

MrSpoc · 07/10/2011 11:28

Firstly, yes I am crap at spelling and grammar so please try not to nit pick.

Here is the situation so I will try and keep it brief.

Ex and I have a bad relationship but in the middle is our DS now aged 6. I was contact by Ex Sis who wants some very personal details of mine in order to get my DS passport. But I am not registered on his birth certificate as his dad? (to try and not filter info my ex registered the birth behind my back whilst I was at work.. still not sure why).
As I am uncomfortable about giving out my personal details to someone I do not like or get on with I have suggested they pass on all their details and I will get the passport sorted.

AIBU?

Thanks all.

OP posts:
Oakmaiden · 07/10/2011 11:49

Thing is, if the relationship is as bad as it appears to be from what you have said, I would expect that your ex will have deep reservations about whether you will actually finish the application, or whether you will spoil their holiday plans by failing to finish the application.

However, as far as I can tell if you were not married to the child's mother and are not named on the birth certificate then they don't need your details. And I don';t think they would need your mother's maiden name at all anyway - and am a bit suspicious they are asking for it. That tends to be used for "identification" purposes.

If you are willing to be helpful I would be inclined to email telling them your date and place of birth, but nothing further. It could be that they don't realise that it isn't essential to fill in the "father" details on the form.

LydiaWickham · 07/10/2011 11:49

See, before we had DS (or got married) I could tell you DH's DOB, where he was born and his mothers maiden name. This isn't highly confidential information.

I really don't think you can apply for the passport, I also dont think the sister can either, it has to be the mother. If your ExP wants the info, give it to her, but I wouldn't give it to the sister, who even if she's the one taking DS away, has no right to the info and is seems quite questionable as to why she wants it.

More to the point, are you not concerned that your exSIL will be taking your DS out of the country for a month at such a young age without his mother?

RubyLovesMayMay · 07/10/2011 11:50

Regardless to whether your DS's Aunt is the one taking him on holdiay it is yours or your ExP's responsibilty to get his passport done.

I wouldn't give her the details if you're not comfortable doing so, and as you're not on his BC I think its up to your ExP to sort this one out.

TipOfTheSlung · 07/10/2011 11:51

i wouldnt like to give my mothers maiden to someone I didn't trust either. It is something that is very often used as a security question

Original poster
MrSpoc · 07/10/2011 11:51

ShroudOfHamsters - have you understood what i have said. I have advised her that she does not need my details because i am not on the BC.

I do not need to get PR as i have access to my DS.

The info she has asked for is in-depth and i am not sure the REAL reason why she is asking for them. As i have said previously she has a colourful background to say the least and i do not trust what she would do with the info.

OP posts:
LisasCat · 07/10/2011 11:52

Actually, to all the people saying this info isn't that personal, it's exactly the kind of info that gets used to identify the holder of a bank account to the bank, so I too would be wary if someone I didn't trust wanted to know my mother's maiden name.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to be concerned.

Original poster
MrSpoc · 07/10/2011 11:54

SharrieTBGinzatome - the trip does not worry me. the sis is a nurse relocating to Australia. this is her dream for years. her parents and her are going the for a month for a holiday and to sort her final bits out. I am not worried that they are trying to sneak off or anything. but thanks for the concern.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 07/10/2011 11:54

hang on, why would your mother's maiden name need to go on a passport application? it wouldn't. that is suspicious in itself.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/10/2011 11:54

"Now the info my Ex's sister has asked for are very personal, Ie DoB where i grew up. Mothers maiden name etc."

To be blunt - these are the details required for identity theft. Do you think your XSIL would then borrow loads of money and leave you to face the debts?

nailak · 07/10/2011 11:57

mrspoc are you saying that your exp or her family have in the past been involved in fraudulent activities or betrayed your, or others trust in some way?

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 07/10/2011 11:58

I'm with squeaky on this - sounds highly suspect to me and, given that they're not needed for your ds' passport application, I would you advise you not to provide any personal info.

Don't be alarmed but my suspicious mind is wondering what else these details could be used for? Bank/credit card/loan scam? CSA claim? Visa application for ds to emigrate with his dm?

Were you married to your 'ex', do you pay child support for ds, and do you have regular contact with him?

Groovee · 07/10/2011 11:58

This sounds suspcious to me as you'd only go on the passport if you were registered on his birth certificate. It sounds like they want the details to get a credit card or something with that info.

As for not having PR you do know that if you have your son and he becomes ill or has an accident you cannot give authorisation for anything as you need parental rights for that. Dh's cousin had to fight to get the parental rights for his son to ensure if anything happened then he could authorise anything.

Hardgoing · 07/10/2011 11:58

Mr Spoc, I would go on the website gov.uk and look under passports. If it says there that you don't need the father's details to gain a passport, they mail this link to them in a polite email, saying 'look, even better, you don't need my details to apply for a passport'.

Of course they don't want you losing filling in forms etc.

And what right would you have to stop the child going abroad, if you don't have PR and are not named on the birth certificate?

Just repeat the same thing again and again, you don't need my details, or my permission, to get a passport and take my DS abroad.

Original poster
MrSpoc · 07/10/2011 11:59

potentially thats what i was thinking.

OakmaidenFri 07-Oct-11 11:49:24
Thing is, if the relationship is as bad as it appears to be from what you have said, I would expect that your ex will have deep reservations about whether you will actually finish the application, or whether you will spoil their holiday plans by failing to finish the application

im sure (but not certain) that she does not beleive this as i always drop everything for my son.

I realy wish there was an easier way to do this.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrSpoc · 07/10/2011 12:00

i never realised that groovee. i suppose thats not the type of thing you generaly think about. Thanks

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 07/10/2011 12:00

Oh, have just seen your last post MrSpoc, XSIL is relocating to Australia? I know I am a cynic, but I would not touch this with a bargepole. She could use your details to amass debts and then bugger off to the other side of the world. Given that your details are not needed for the passport, I would tell her to swivel. You sound as if you will be far more polite in refusing.

Original poster
MrSpoc · 07/10/2011 12:01

Yes nailak.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrSpoc · 07/10/2011 12:02

izzy i do pay CSA and see my DS. Luckily we were never married so at least the seperation was not as messy as it could of been.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 07/10/2011 12:02

mrspoc- the info they are asking for is not needed on the passport application. please ask yourself why they would be wanting this infor from you. i would strongly advise not giving any info. they do not need your details to get a passport for your son!!. there is sonething else going on here.

amicissima · 07/10/2011 12:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 07/10/2011 12:05

If you haven't got any legal documentation that registers your interest in ds, so to speak, this may be the wake-up all you need to avail yourself of a free half hour consultation with a solicitor who specialises in family law.

BalloonSlayer · 07/10/2011 12:10

I wouldn't give anyone my mother's maiden name unless I was 100% sure about what it was for. It is the security question for almost all financial stuff, isn't it?

Further to that - your DOB, where you were born and mother's maiden name are also the 3 bits of information you need to get a copy of a birth certificate.

PhishFoodAddiction · 07/10/2011 12:11

YANBU- the info they are asking for is often used for financial purposes isn't it? Do you suspect this is why they really want it?

None of your information is needed for DS's passport application if you are not named as his father on the birth certificate. Repeat this over and over until they get the message.

(I'm not sure why your ex needs to ask though, surely she already knows your DOB and place of birth?)

Original poster
MrSpoc · 07/10/2011 12:11

obviously i initialy wanted to co-operate but then i remembered about the birth certifcate.

Once i pointed this out they were adament that they still needed my details for the passport. At this point all my bells were ringing (grin)

That is why i have offered to do all the paperwork, pay for the passport and send it away but they are not happy with this option.

OP posts:
izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 07/10/2011 12:14

Please seek legal advice on this - or maybe ask on the legal board? - but it is my understanding that paying child support through the CSA is not in itself conclusive proof of paternity.

If, for example, your ex emigrated with ds to Oz or left the UK to live elsewhere, you would need to estabish paternity before being able to take legal action such as making ds a Ward of Court or other measures to ensure that you play your rightful part in his life.