Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

16 yo son,15 yo girlfriend sleepover !?!?

89 replies

Diveywivey · 28/09/2011 23:37

My son is just turned 16 and has just got his 1st girlfriend. I am really pleased about it and he seems happy. They are spending all their time together and I've had to impose making sure she goes home at a reasonable time, particularly in the week. He's known her for a while but have only been formally 'going out' together for a week. She is 15 and (he says) is 'experienced' (he is not) and they are not on the verge of having sex. He is asking if she can sleepover on Saturday with him on the floor and her taking his bed. I've said 'no' because she is 15 and he is only just 16 and they only just got together. Also I clearly am not ready for the idea of this and need to adjust to my son being a proper adolescent. He's basically a good boy tho' inexperienced and immature. She seems very nice tho' we don't really know her yet. Have not met or spoken to her mum yet but I get the impression that her mum's not too bothered what she gets up to - because "her mum trusts her" I'm told. Am I right to say 'no', when should I review my position and what next ?

OP posts:
MindtheGappp · 28/09/2011 23:38

No, no, no!

MsHighwater · 28/09/2011 23:39

She is 15 so is underage. You are right to say "no". No review before she is 16 and then only when you are comfortable. Your house, your rules.

worraliberty · 28/09/2011 23:40

A week?? Yes of course you're right to say no.

Do you trust your son by the way?

squeakytoy · 28/09/2011 23:40

No, no no and no... dont allow it. They are too young, they have only just met. You cant stop them doing what they want to do when they are not under your roof, but condoning it is an entirely different matter.

You may have been given the impression her mum isnt bothered, but that is very possibly untrue, as you havent met the mother.

Let him walk her home, snog and do whatever en-route, then come home alone.

CarnivalBizarre · 28/09/2011 23:46

Absolutely not! My 15 yr old son (now 21) got his 17 yr old girlfriend pregnant on an impromptu sleepover - if they are saying that they are not having sex ...they probably are - don't take their word for it

Vallhala · 28/09/2011 23:47

It wouldn't happen in this house, no way!

squeakytoy · 28/09/2011 23:50

Also, if they are going to be in the same room, I would bet my last penny that no way will he be sleeping on the floor either! Grin

I cant say that my parents met any of my boyfriends parents, ever, until I got married. But I was never allowed to have a boyfriend stay over. The first man I ever slept in the same bed with at my mums house, was my husband, AFTER we were married!

I remember my cousin and his fiancee coming to stay for a few days once. It was separate rooms for them too! Grin

Original poster
Diveywivey · 28/09/2011 23:52

Thanks for the support. It's hard when you're bombarded with how they are going to be good and suggestions of how they'll make sure nothing happens etc. I think maybe I will set a date to review it when she is 16. I could also suggest they get her mum to ring me meanwhile. If she does phone then at least I will know her position on the matter. If she doesn't then I can say that her mum hasn't told me she agrees to it. Blimey, one day it's "why can't my son get a girl friend ?" and the next it's this !

OP posts:
Cathycomehome · 28/09/2011 23:53

Don't allow it.

worraliberty · 28/09/2011 23:54

I think you're being unfair on the Mum to suggest she's not too bothered what her daughter gets up to because she trusts her.

I'm not saying she should necessarily trust her, but trust does not always equate to 'not being bothered'.

Cathycomehome · 28/09/2011 23:58

Honestly, it's really hard work with an unplanned pregnancy and you need to guide them (her mum and dad too) to get this right.

When I became pregnant by my (at the time) boyfriend, it changed everything, for all of us.

This is a really big deal - do all you can, but try not to forbid things.

WilsonFrickett · 28/09/2011 23:58

I think you need to decide what you find acceptable and then stick to that. Sounds like this has caught you on the hoof a little? But, for example, if you don't want a couple of adolescents shagging in your second bedroom, why would you commit to reviewing it when he hits 16? Decide on your ground rules and stick to them.

AnyFucker · 28/09/2011 23:58

You are right to say no

Stick with it

WilsonFrickett · 28/09/2011 23:59

Oh and squeaky is wise. Listen to her

Original poster
Diveywivey · 29/09/2011 00:00

I do trust my son by the way, at the moment anyway. He's a bit of a late flowerer and means what he says at the time. Apart from the pregnancy/STDs issues I'm worried that she is most likely far more more worldy wise than him and he's easily influenced.

OP posts:
Cathycomehome · 29/09/2011 00:01

See above.

WilsonFrickett · 29/09/2011 00:02

Brilliant, start by blaming the girl. You'll make a great MIL Smile Why create the conditions for him to break that trust then?

squeakytoy · 29/09/2011 00:04

I dont think you can realistically expect to have a conversation with her mum, especially when she is 16 and can legally do more or less what she wants, as can your son. But you can still put your foot down and say "not under my roof". If you dont feel comfortable with it, then do not allow it. Your house, your rules applies here!

If her mum says it is ok, once she is 16, for your son to stay over at her house, then fine. It doesnt mean you have to allow it though.

Bear in mind, at this age, there could be another new gf in a few weeks, and another, and another.. so I would say, for now at least, no sleepovers.

AnyFucker · 29/09/2011 00:05

erm divey, stop thinking of your son like a precious flower and this girl like some hormone-driven siren

it's not coming across at all well

squeakytoy · 29/09/2011 00:05

By you not allowing it I mean, just because he can stay at hers, does not mean you have to allow her to stay at yours.

CheerfulYank · 29/09/2011 00:07

I'd say absolutely no too...

Of course I did sleep over at my first BF's house, and we didn't have sex. Pretty much everything else under the sun though!

His mother knew but mine didn't. He really did sleep on the couch, but only because his stepdad was liable to get up at anytime during the night and it was a very small house. :o

Original poster
Diveywivey · 29/09/2011 00:10

I'm not blaming the girl. "MIL" ? = mother in law ? That'd be FIL in my case I guess. I just know my son and that just about everyone is more worldy wise and experienced than him but there's plenty of stuff there for a whole bunch of other threads. Clearly I am NOT creating the conditions for him to etc. I'm looking for sensible support and also reasoned arguments that will help me persuade my son why it's not on ... :(

OP posts:
LeBOF · 29/09/2011 00:10

The girl is underage, and the repercussions for her of a teenage pregnancy are likely to be far greater than for your son. I think that you and your son's assessment of her 'experience' aren't really relevant, tbh. It is simply unacceptable to create the circumstances which could result in real harm to her. It would be a definite NO from me.

squeakytoy · 29/09/2011 00:13

You are Dad then? Is Mum in the house too? What is her opinion on it?

worraliberty · 29/09/2011 00:13

I do trust my son by the way, at the moment anyway. He's a bit of a late flowerer and means what he says at the time. Apart from the pregnancy/STDs issues I'm worried that she is most likely far more more worldy wise than him and he's easily influenced.

Ohh purrlease Grin

Like she's going to jump on him clad in PVC and chain him to the bed Wink

Seriously though, you trust your son and that's ok. The girl's Mum trusts her daughter and that means she's not too bothered what she gets up to?

Swipe left for the next trending thread