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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

16 yo son,15 yo girlfriend sleepover !?!?

89 replies

Diveywivey · 28/09/2011 23:37

My son is just turned 16 and has just got his 1st girlfriend. I am really pleased about it and he seems happy. They are spending all their time together and I've had to impose making sure she goes home at a reasonable time, particularly in the week. He's known her for a while but have only been formally 'going out' together for a week. She is 15 and (he says) is 'experienced' (he is not) and they are not on the verge of having sex. He is asking if she can sleepover on Saturday with him on the floor and her taking his bed. I've said 'no' because she is 15 and he is only just 16 and they only just got together. Also I clearly am not ready for the idea of this and need to adjust to my son being a proper adolescent. He's basically a good boy tho' inexperienced and immature. She seems very nice tho' we don't really know her yet. Have not met or spoken to her mum yet but I get the impression that her mum's not too bothered what she gets up to - because "her mum trusts her" I'm told. Am I right to say 'no', when should I review my position and what next ?

OP posts:

Temperatures · 29/09/2011 01:18

AnyFucker if your moment of enlightenment was a period it would be late enough to be third trimester pregnancy

Morloth · 29/09/2011 01:47

Not a chance in hell here.

I was a hormone driven siren and would have jumped the bones of any willing teenage boy in those circumstances.

DH and I started dating very young and he was very sensible and made sure to never put himself in the position where he would need to choose between doing what came naturally and what he wanted to do as an intelligent young man.

DH was one of those 'late flowerers' but I can tell you now, if we had been alone, at night in a bedroom at the ages of 15 and 16 we would have been shagging.

God I miss being 16 sometimes, all that energy...

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 29/09/2011 01:53

OP - please don't flounce - people are just trying to give you a bit of perspective here and reassure you, believe it or not! Unlike you, most of us were once teenage girls.

Although you clearly didn't mean it in the way it came across, it did read as if you were making some unfair and out-of-the-blue value judgements about this girl of whom you know nothing.

She may be more experienced than him, or (especially given that she's younger) she may not. When I was that age I was totally inexperienced and assumed all blokes were worldly-wise James Bonds, wooing and bedding women with abandon. Clearly I was much mistaken.

The point is - you know nothing about this girl, and the chances are far greater that she's as inexperienced as he is, that they're both caught up in the romance of it all (you know how teenagers think they invented everything and are the first to do/discover everything) so looking in from the outside it probably appears way more intense than it actually is.

As for her sleeping over, you're right not to condone it - she's only 15 and it would be wrong to do anything other than not allow it.

If you can bear it, have a chat with your son and find out where his head's at and make sure he's fully clued up about the responsibilities (not just the fun bits) that come with a sexual relationship - age of consent, actual consent from partner, contraception, feelings and emotions, trust, STIs, pregnancy, whether sex means that exclusivity is presumed, etc, etc, etc...

troisgarcons · 29/09/2011 07:12

I'm going to throw another perspective on this.

My son is just 16, his GF isn't quite 15.

I've made it abundently clear that sleeping with her could result in him being on the sex offenders register. Kids that age don't tend to have clean breaks, it can get messy as they are still finding their emotions. Also, parental involvement is a lot more prevalent these days - everyones mother seems to get involved at some level - and you only need the mother to be outraged on the daughters behalf after a break and go trotting off down the police station.

AnyFucker · 29/09/2011 07:18

temp that's an interesting comparison...

StrandedBear · 29/09/2011 08:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Halbanoo · 29/09/2011 08:21

Next you'll be complaining about how the "worldly" 15 y.o. girlfriend "seduced" your innocent son.

It takes two to tango, ya know. And you're not helping at all by providing a venue.

That so would not happen under my roof. Not at all.

spookshowangellovesit · 29/09/2011 09:10

oh good god people you do like to make a mountain out of a mole hill. a father rightly concerned about what to do about his sons new forays in to the world of possible sex and you jump all over him. you all knew what he meant you just chose to take offence and if it had been his daughter and a experienced boy i doubt the same reaction (though i am sure you will say different).
you wonder why you have the reputation of a nest of vipers.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 29/09/2011 09:17

Dear God no - why on earth would you encourage it and make it easy for them by providing the venue?!

If they want a 'sleepover' (aka an excuse to shag) then he's in the living room on a camp bed and she can have his room. Then you lie awake listening for the footsteps and shout "get back to your own beds this instant" when you hear them.

Bubbaluv · 29/09/2011 09:19

I agree Spooks. I got the impression he was presenting the information as it had been presented to him, not as a personal, value-laden judgement.

He seemed pretty sensible and caring to me.

ShoutyHamster · 29/09/2011 09:35

No - she is underage.

I'm not sure how much more of a reasoned set of arguments you need? Oh, and the fact that it's your house and what you say goes? You don't need to do any 'persuading', I think.

Oh - and I really would make the attempt to adjust the way you seem to be choosing to approach this. I can assure you of one thing- that you have absolutely no idea how experienced your son is, or not. You really don't And you have no idea about her either. There is just a teensy red flag fluttering up here - you seem to be quite eager to frame this as all very nice and I'm pleased for him but essentially the story is that fresh-faced young Bobby is probably going to be gently led astray by the more experienced young hussy nice young girl you don't know yet.

For the sake of your future relationships with your son's future girlfriends or wife - please don't get into that way of thinking.

Do you know what? So far, the only slightly 'off' or distasteful thing I see here has come from your son. He has told his mother that she is 'more experienced'? How crass and inappropriate. That's not your business and isn't particularly complimentary to her - I wonder why he'd say that, to you especially? I guess he very much has a vested interest in making sure his mum continues to see him as 'a bit of a late flowerer and means what he says at the time... easily influenced' - he's not daft, is he, your 16-year old?

Sorry to be blunt OP - it would have been less so were it not for the 'up yours', possibly.

BettyCash · 29/09/2011 09:41

Be flattered he's asked your permission - and accept the invitation to exercise your better judgement.

pigletmania · 29/09/2011 09:41

I would say no, I just would not allow it. I am old fashioned but I would not be happy with it

Scholes34 · 29/09/2011 09:49

Seems to be an intensive amount of time they want to spend together so quickly and that in itself, regardless of what they might get up to, seems a little unhealthy.

pigletmania · 29/09/2011 09:52

Your house, your rules. I think it might be good for you to have a kittle talk to your ds about if you haven't done so before, about sex, relationships etc

pigletmania · 29/09/2011 09:53

Meant little, gah I am on my phone

WilsonFrickett · 29/09/2011 11:32

Oh come on spooks you think this is nest of vipers level? Its hardly a flaming, it's a response to a parent who has asked AIBU and been told that yes, he is and one of the ways that he has BU is in taking the information his son has chosen to present to him at face value.

2rebecca · 29/09/2011 12:04

No way. That is just asking for trouble. My teenage son has had several talks from me about the consequences of getting a girl pregnant unintentionally and having to pay for 18 years for a baby he may rarely be allowed access to by someone he may hate in a few weeks time.
Sleepovers are for little children to watch DVDs together, plait each others hair etc, not for randy teenagers.

EricNorthmansMistress · 29/09/2011 13:22

OP has flounced I see but I'd just like to make the point that she is underage - if she alleged that they had had sexual intercourse, even if they hadn't, the fact that they were allowed to sleep in the same room would lend credibility to her account. Your son could be very vulnerable if you allow this to happen. IMO the only acceptable response is NO - not at your house, and not at her house. You will review it after 6 months/when she is 16 - whichever comes later.

Teens in relationships do not stay abstinent for long. They can go from feeling not ready to feeling ready very quickly and even if your son doesn't intend to have sex yet, he may feel differently next week.

Dozer · 29/09/2011 13:29

Gotta love the teenagers, points to OP's son for his tactics!

Although part of the fun of teen sex is sneaking around.

Agree, she's underage, he needs a serious talking to about legal, sexual, emotional risks etc. And contraception. blah blah. And banning from sleepovers anywhere, obviously!

To the other OP who comments about their son only having sex at 19.5, are you sure? Or has your son spun you that old innocent-flower line too?

fatlazymummy · 29/09/2011 13:45

Just say no. My eldest never bought a girlfriend home to sleep and neither will my younger 2. We have a tiny house where you can hear everything and there just isn't any privacy.
As far as I am concerned teenagers don't have an automatic right to have sex indoors in bed whenever they feel like it anyway. That is part of an adult lifestyle and something they can work towards. Until then they can make their own arrangements, just like we used to do .

MrsFruitcake · 29/09/2011 14:51

I was 25 when I met DH, who was also 25. We had to have separate rooms at his parents house! This rankled though as his brother who got his GF pregnant after 3 months of 'dating' was allowed to sleep in the same bed as her whilst staying there. I suppose his parents thought the damage had already been done!

FWIW - I wouldn't allow it at those ages.

Pendeen · 29/09/2011 15:45

YANBU.

I wasn't allowed at 16 so I don't see why anyone else should!

Ephiny · 29/09/2011 15:53

Definitely wouldn't allow it. She's underage, and they've only been together for a week anyway - no way. Maybe if they were both over 16 and in a 'serious' relationship, but that's not the case here.

I agree about having the talk about contraception, consent etc, either way, as just because they don't have the sleepover doesn't mean they won't have sex.

justcallmemummypig · 29/09/2011 15:59

I would say no as she is under age, but you certainly don't need a sleep over to have sex.

Even if he says he isn't interested make sure you have lots of talks and about the emotional side too, provide contraception if necessary (just leave it in the bathroom cabinet or somewhere).

I am dreading mine being this age!

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