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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

16 yo son,15 yo girlfriend sleepover !?!?

89 replies

Diveywivey · 28/09/2011 23:37

My son is just turned 16 and has just got his 1st girlfriend. I am really pleased about it and he seems happy. They are spending all their time together and I've had to impose making sure she goes home at a reasonable time, particularly in the week. He's known her for a while but have only been formally 'going out' together for a week. She is 15 and (he says) is 'experienced' (he is not) and they are not on the verge of having sex. He is asking if she can sleepover on Saturday with him on the floor and her taking his bed. I've said 'no' because she is 15 and he is only just 16 and they only just got together. Also I clearly am not ready for the idea of this and need to adjust to my son being a proper adolescent. He's basically a good boy tho' inexperienced and immature. She seems very nice tho' we don't really know her yet. Have not met or spoken to her mum yet but I get the impression that her mum's not too bothered what she gets up to - because "her mum trusts her" I'm told. Am I right to say 'no', when should I review my position and what next ?

OP posts:

Woodifer · 29/09/2011 16:02

From about that age - I was allowed to have boyfriends stay over. My mum's reasoning was that if you are going to do it you're going to do it - so your home is safer than say the back of a car, or a mate's house or an alley way.

I was definitely interested/sexually active (in a hands on way!) from about 13/14 - but didn't actually have sex (as in intercourse) with anyone until I was 19.

Better to educate in safe sex and provide condoms IMO than to ban stuff out right - provision of condoms is likely to kill ALL ardour through embarassment!

Crumbletopping · 29/09/2011 16:10

No no and no again.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 29/09/2011 16:16

Hang on, since when was acknowledging that a 15yo girl might be more worldly wise, her mother a bit liberal and one's son a late bloomer being judgemental? And who's said that the girl is predatory?

I talk as someone who was that 15 yo. Sometimes it's like feminism never happened.

Should you return to this btw OP I would say don't allow the sleepover yet. It's too soon in their relationship. Make sure you've had The Talk (several of them). Probably wait until his GF is 16, to becalm those that'd accuse him of paedophilia. And do talk to her mum.

swallowedAfly · 29/09/2011 22:15

it would be statutory rape not paedophilia jenai.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 29/09/2011 23:24

there's no such thing here as statutory rape, swallowed.

squeakytoy · 29/09/2011 23:28

The police would not be interested in a relationship between two teenagers who are only a year apart in age.

LeBOF · 29/09/2011 23:31

Unless you are in Ireland, maybe. But it's still not to be condoned or facilitated, in my opinion.

Bogeyface · 29/09/2011 23:35

Jenai is right. Statutory Rape is an American thing. Over here it would be sex with a person under the age of 16, ie: the age of consent. You are not deemed able to give full and informed consent under 16 but courts recognise that a 15 year old may believe that they understand the full ramifications of what they are doing and fully consent to it, whilst not actually understanding at all.

Infact, there are alot of cases that are reported by parents that dont make it to court because the CPS know it would be a waste of time. My H's best man works in Child Protection (words to that effect, I cant remember exactly) with the police and he has to deal with sexual abuse and rape for every age from newborns (yes, really :( )to teenagers. He said that alot of their time is taken up with interviewing underage pregnant girls and their BFs who have been reported by the girls parents. And if there is a small age difference, such as a 15 year old girl and a 17 year old boy, in a relationship and who both who gave consent then they dont proceed because it isnt in anyones interest and the chances of conviction are very small. The CPS will then refuse to proceed with alot of the small number that they do go on with.

scottishmummy · 29/09/2011 23:50

not statutory rape,thas wrong.police will look at ages of both,capacity,their understanding of situation, their ability to consent and weigh up choices.

LeBOF · 30/09/2011 00:00

Bit of a red herring, really. And the OP is long gone.

flyingspaghettimonster · 30/09/2011 04:29

I think as a parent that you are right to say no on this. Remembering back half a lifetime ago, though, I lost my virginity a week shy of 16 (quite deliberately) and there is no way any parent could have stopped it. Teens are too sneaky. With my first boyfriend we both pulled a sicky and he cycled over to my house (10 miles) - the business lasted 10 seconds, less time than it took to figure out the condom, and within minutes of finishing my mother returned from work early!! She wasn't due for another two hours. She came straight up to my room with some tea for her poor, ill daughter and I barely had time to stash the boyfriend under my (very messy) bed! She sat there for a couple of hours, chatting to me about how she was glad I was happy with him, but didn't I think I could do better, he was very nice but so very ugly and spotty.... I was so embarrassed that he was lying underneath us listening to her slagging him off for such a long time... luckily, she went back to work and it turned out he had slept through it all... anyhow, after that there was no stopping us and we even took a tent to school so we could set it up on the way home in a secluded wilderness, or if we just had an afternoon watching movies we could always find ten minutes of privacy... no parent could have managed to prevent it from happening.

All the same, you are doing the right thing, I just guess I am saying you need to mentally prepare for the truth that if he isn't already, he will be sexually active very soon.

SaffronCake · 30/09/2011 04:37

This would scare me, what if she were to fall out with him. I'm sure they are both mature enough to choose sex but that "what if" would hang over me. What if she falls out with him? What if there is some kind of confusion about consent? What if they make a baby? These things do happen. I would worry about the potential for a massive blow to the welfare of the boy if this situation went wrong as much as I would worry about the welfare of the girl

SaffronCake · 30/09/2011 04:38

Sorry. Didn't mean to repeat that bit. It's late.

swallowedAfly · 30/09/2011 06:45

ok so here they don't call it statutory rape they call it sex with a minor? i was asked to press charges against someone as a 15yrold and i was told it was statutory rape hence me calling that and thinking it was called that. same thing though aye? sex with someone who cannot give consent as they are under the age of consent therefore rape in law?

wasn't saying he'd get prosecuted btw - there's lots of crimes that don't end up being prosecuted whilst still involving someone breaking the law.

my real point was that it would be that which i call stat rape and apparently is legally called sex with a minor (?) rather than paedophilia. the use of paedophilia seemed to be suggesting it was hysterical responses that people who agree with the law on age of consent hold. this sentence: Probably wait until his GF is 16, to becalm those that'd accuse him of paedophilia

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