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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ban them from looking after DS!

92 replies

hiss42 · 16/09/2011 14:53

My DS is 4 weeks old. DP's parents have been moaning about having him for the night (erm... he's 4 weeks old..?). I obviously said no (really nicely, he's BF and he is so young!) but they asked to take him out for the morning shopping. I couldn't find a reason to say no, and I'd be able to catch up on some housework.

When they got back after two hours, I thought it was weird they attached the car seat back on the pram, and pushed the pram into the house, rather than just carrying both in. It's one of those ones that has adaptors. After about an hour of them being here, I asked how they got on with folding the pram etc. After a shifty look at each other, FIL admitted that they hadn't been able to get the adaptors off, and so had put the car seat in with them on. This meant the seat was belted in, but rather than being flat down on the seat of the car, it was balanced on two plastic prongs.
(www.mamasandpapas.com/product-urbo-sola-zoom-glide-car-seat-adaptor-cybex-aton/279325301/type-i/)

At this point I said oh, you have to click this simple bit, which FIL did though verbal instruction, not me showing him. I also said to them I know how hard it is if you dohn't know how to do it, as when me and my mum had taken DS to asda when he was a few days old, we were in the car park for an hour stressing out as we didn't know how to get the adaptors off, and we'd had to do the exact same thing!

After they left I thought the situation over. Although I had put DS in the car in the same way they had, firstly I am his mum and therefore it's my judgement. Secondly it was a 2 minute drive, compared to the 20 minutes they did. It was not a light decision on my part, I started to push him home in the pram, so DP could take it apart when he got home and my mum take the car back, but the midwife called and said she was outside so we were in a rush!

I texted FIL and asked why they hadn't just called and asked me how to do it. He said that he didn't want to worry me and that he felt it was safe. I wasn't that annoyed until I read that response. The fact my 4 week old wasn't secure in his car seat was a really idiotic thing to drive back any way. I'm so angry they took that decision without calling me or DP and trying to hide it by putting it back on the pram.

AIBU to be annoyed at them? i know i did it too but it was a different situation entirely and that was my decision as his parent to do that and they had no right?

OP posts:

Silverstar2 · 16/09/2011 14:55

Annoying as it may be he is safe, and they know for next time. Put it down to experience.

aldiwhore · 16/09/2011 14:56

YANBU to be annoyed. You WBU to ban them from looking after your child again though.

What you need to do is give them a masterclass in babycare and the modern way of doing things. My FIL tried to take my youngest out of his car seat once, whilst we were doing 70mph on the motorway "to comfort him".....

whackamole · 16/09/2011 14:58

I think you are being a little bit unreasonable. You did the same thing, doesn't matter that you were only 2 minutes from home and they were 20 - anything could have happened. Also, I accept I may me misreading what you are saying, but the seat was still strapped in securely, right? Just not as flat as it should be because of the adaptors? I would've thought that was more important.

FabbyChic · 16/09/2011 14:59

Id have to say they are trying, and you know yourself how hard it is, I've to wonder why you didn't explain it at first when they took your son if you knew yourself how hard it was the first time.

See no reason not to let them have your son again.

DragonsEx · 16/09/2011 15:00

I think both situations are the same, sorry, :(

Birdsgottafly · 16/09/2011 15:02

I think that t is a typical problem that you hit when first presented with a new type of pram. I once thought i was stranded because i couldn't fold a new buggy that i had bought.

It is natural for you to mull it over because your DS is so young.

Go through the set up and taking apart every piece of equipment that you will need then to use and how important it is to use them.

The danger in a car highers as the speed limit does, not the length of journey. He was probably more aware of danger because of having your DS, so extra careful.
You have done well to let them have him, so soon, you don't have to unless you feel comfortable doing so.

buttonmoon78 · 16/09/2011 15:05

Sorry but I agree with the general feeling.

If it was difficult you should really have ensured that they knew how to do it. You can't ban them but you can ask them to call if they ever have a problem again.

FWIW, if you were 2 minutes drive away wouldn't it have been no slower to just continue walking rather than dismantling the buggy and unloading etc? I would have walked regardless of who was waiting.

I am however totally at them agitating for an overnight visit.

kelly2000 · 16/09/2011 15:05

YABU if you ban them from looking after him, especially as you did the same thing yourself.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/09/2011 15:05

I would probably just explain to them that you would prefer them to contact you about that sort of thing, it is no trouble etc.

But I really struggle with GPs wanting babies overnight, or all to themselves. Purely because it just didn't happen when I was a kid, so it seems very odd. I can see that it could be considered kind to offer new parents an unbroken night's sleep or a few hours to themselves, but in so many of the threads I've read here it doesn't seem to be about relieving the parents, but is instead about gratifying the GPs. Odd.

ddubsgirl · 16/09/2011 15:11

dont think aboout the what ifs,he is home and safe,next time they know how to put the seat in,its was a mistake & bad judgement on thier part but to ban them?abit ott!
i didnt have a clue how to clip my dp cousins car seats in because we never had them when mine were babies,we didnt have a car!they prob didnt either.

Atropos · 16/09/2011 15:13

WhereYouLeftIt Are the threads you're reading by grandparents stating their need to be gratified or by parents interpreting grandparents suggestions and offers that way? Of course, there will always be grandparents who think they know more, are better qualified or have more rights than the parents, but they are very few and far between. Most grandparents feel hugely privileged to have grandchildren in their lives and remain loving, caring and concerned about their sons and daughters. As a general rule, daughters and their mums, in particular, embark on a new and closer phase in their relationship with the birth of the next generation.

DoMeDon · 16/09/2011 15:16

YABU and a bit unkind. I understand how protective you feel about your DS but they love him too and would be distraught if you didn;t let them have him again. Maybe explain how upset you felt after as you realised how unsafe it was.

Ulitimately you made the same judgement call they did though.

Birdsgottafly · 16/09/2011 15:35

Whereyouleftit- i am in my 40's and it was the norm for children and babies to stay with extended family, where i lived.

I think that one difference is the smaller family size means that you are not as done with looking after babies, as you once were, so perhaps are overkeen to get your hands on one .

Most of the GF welcome the change in the responsibility with their GDC's, as they were working long hours when their own were young, what with no maternity leave/benefits.
It is, for the child a very special relationship, when it works well.

Only on MN have i come across it being considered normal to be uninterested in family and their babies.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 16/09/2011 15:42

You sound like a pain in the arse looking for any excuse for them not to have him tbh

notherdaynotherdollar · 16/09/2011 15:42

so you are annoyed they did exactly the same thing as you

confoosed

Ormirian · 16/09/2011 15:46

LOL at you screwing up too but it being OK because you're his mum

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 16/09/2011 15:48

Oh ffs, i,ve been pulled in by that stupid trainer hiding husband woman havent I ?

Please feel freento call me a twat.

I am a twat.

Pootles2010 · 16/09/2011 15:50

Sorry but you are bu. You did the same thing they did! Your midwife waiting around for you is hardly life or death.

They tried to do it properly, and they'll know next time. Trust me, you want the gp's on side. You're going to need their help at some point! And of course that's not to mention the importance of your ds's relationship with them etc etc.

Notinmykitchen · 16/09/2011 15:51

Sorry OP YABU. You can't reasonably say that it is OK for you to make mistakes, but not for anyone else.

ErnesttheBavarian · 16/09/2011 15:52

only 4 weeks old and talking about banning them! If your mum had struggled with the clips would you ban her?

Poor IL.

Think you're out of order tbh. PFB or not. No need to do anything other than politely and carefully show how to do it and ask them if they have a problem to call. It wouldn't occur to my fil to use his mobile if he were stranded in the middle of nowhere with a broken leg.

your link doesn't work, but I bet it was secure even with the clips on, probably only risk of damaging car upholstery.

You're really lucky to have people who want to look after your dc at all. Obv. nights at this stage is too early, but there are thousands of MN, inc me who'd be green with envy to have rellies who can and will look after dc. I think you're being unfair.

And I repeat, if it were your parents, I bet you wouldn't be talking about bans. Think how that makes your dh feel. I say this, as from your description, they were asked to use a piece of tricky equipemnt, didn't quite get it right 1st time, as you didn't, but the baby from what you've described wasn't in any danger and didn't suffer at all from any lack of care, so being annoyed is OTT, never mind talking about bans.

Original poster

hiss42 · 16/09/2011 15:57

no I don't want them on my side! They are the exact type whereyouleftit is describing! They want him for their own entertainment, not to help us at all. They never leave us alone, yet never offer to give us a lift to the supermarket etc. And I was pretty much forced into letting them have him, as "they didn't have another day off at the same time for another two weeks"!.

I realy think it was different and yes Ormirian I am his mum so I can screw up. That's the point, I just don't think it was their judgement to make. Obviously an accident could of happened in the car park, so the length of our journeys wasn't really what I was getting at.

It's the fact they transported him unsafely without consulting me (I could of explained over the phone) then weren't going to tell me, and even put the pram back together to deceive me! All because they didn't want to worry me!

in the future I can see that as him banging his head as a toddler and me not being told because he seemed okay and they didn't want me to worry, until he dies in his sleep from internal bleeding,... (ridiculous but it is the same principle!)

and I think i can be protective, I've carried him for 9 months, had a horrendous forceps delivery and they insist on taking him away from me when he's only 4 weeks old and do dangerous things without my consent. It doesn't matter what I do with him,, it wasn't their place to make that decision.

OP posts:

CocoPopsAddict · 16/09/2011 15:58

You are being totally unreasonable.

Ormirian · 16/09/2011 16:00

OK, then, clearly you aren't being unreasonable. You've answered your own question!

DoMeDon · 16/09/2011 16:00

If you don't trust their judgement then deny them access. Have you found a way to address your birth trauma? It may be a case that you look back at this time and realise it effected you more than you realised. Has been the case for many of us on MN.

Pootles2010 · 16/09/2011 16:01

So you're allowed to screw up but no one else is? If you were that bothered you'd have shown them how to do it before they went.

It doesn't matter what you do with him?! You don't sound very protective to me. Surely as his mother you should consider his safety, and yet you don't.

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